Do You Collect Coins?
Buford awoke with a start. It was still dark and the others were all snoring softly in their beds. After listening to their breathing for a moment, he realized what had woken him: he was hungry.
He got up and went to the Slumber Party machine. Earlier, Phineas had made a pizza from scratch with this thing, maybe he could make another. He didn't know how to operate it, but it was a vending machine-how hard could it be?
The only problem was that he couldn't see which buttons did what in the dark. "Where are the toppings at?" he whispered aloud.
Buford decided that if he hit all of the buttons, one of them was bound to make him a pizza, so he started punching everything he could see at random. The machine began to whir in attempt to process so much input. Steam started to issue forth from the top and it began to shake uncontrollably, rocking back and forth in place and making a racket. The noise was loud enough to wake the other boys.
"What's going on?" Phineas started.
"I don't know, I was trying to make another pizza and the machine started going haywire!" Buford responded.
"What buttons did you press?"
"Um, let's see, I pressed that one and that one, and this one and this one, and all those ones over there."
Phineas turned on the light to see where the bully was pointing. "So what you're saying is, you pretty much pressed all of them?"
"I guess you could say that," Buford responded.
The machine was now flashing lights randomly and making various odd noises. "Well," Phineas said, "let's wait and see what it does."
The machine slowly quieted back down and stopped vibrating. The four boys held their breath, anticipating the final result. The dispenser flap opened and a pizza appeared, just like it had earlier that evening.
"Looks like it worked," Baljeet commented.
Then two arms and two legs all made of metal protruded from the corners of the machine and it stood up. The face of Doctor Dark appeared on the front, making it look like a robot.
"Want to take another guess?" Buford said, taking a cautious step back.
"Maybe it'll be friendly," Phineas optimistically tried.
"Evil!" Doctor Dark's voice shouted out like a battle cry.
"Or, maybe it'll be evil," Phineas retracted his previous statement. "Buford, did you push the 'evil' button?"
"You guys installed an 'evil' button on this thing?"
"I can't recall why it made sense at the time."
"Why is it looking at us like that?" Baljeet interrupted.
The nascent AI in the vending machine's processing cortex detected the life signatures of the four boys. A list of simple calculations were computed, and the machine began to move.
"Must take over Tri-State Area," the monstrous voice spoke. It took a step across the room and lifted a large claw that functioned as a hand, bringing it down hard to crush the boys where they stood.
"Look out!" Phineas warned, and the four kids dodged as the claw smashed against the floor.
"Must take over Tri-State Area," it repeated, taking another step forward.
"We gotta stop this thing before it smashes the whole house down!" Phineas yelled.
"Lawrence, go tell the boys to quiet down before they smash the whole house down," Linda told her husband after they were both awoken by the thunderous crashes shaking the walls.
"Yes, right away," he said as he crawled out of bed into his slippers. He tightened his night robe and paced down the hallway.
"All right, boys," he said, opening their door, "your mother asked me to tell you to settle dow—." He was cut short by what he saw in front of him. There, on the ground, sat a freshly baked pizza with all his favorite toppings-sardines, onions, and Canadian bacon. "As I was saying," he continued, not bothering to look in the corner where four boys and a vending machine were watching his every move, "your mother asked me to tell you to save a slice for your father." Bending down, he picked up some pizza and turned back out into the dark hallway, without ever actually seeing what was causing the ruckus. "Carry on, boys."
The patriarch vanished from view, and the vending machine turned back to the children.
"What do we do, Phineas?" Baljeet whispered.
"This thing has to have a weakness of some sort," Phineas replied.
"Violence is always the answer," Buford said, stepping forward to face the robot. "Hey you, your mom's so old that she still uses slide rules and vacuum tubes!" The robot let out a roar of rage at that.
"Buford! What are you doing?" Phineas asked.
Buford brushed him off and taunted the machine again. "Your mom's so fat, the scale she was dating wanted to break up with her!" The robot became visibly more infuriated. "Your mom's so dumb, a washing machine beat her in a spelling bee!"
The robot picked the bully up and tossed him like a doll over his shoulder. Buford crash landed in Ferb's bed and immediately saw stars. "Thank you, Mr. Bumblebee, this shovel is lighter than a hungry bubble," Buford mumbled with a dazed look on his face.
"That is why you should never insult a vending machine's mother by comparing it to a washing machine," Baljeet quipped.
"Guys, I've got an idea," Phineas told the others. "But first, we have to lure this thing downstairs. When it tries to crush us with its claw again, everyone scatter and run for the kitchen!"
The robot advanced the boys again, raising its claw for another strike.
"Now!" Phineas shouted, and they all jumped to the side and scrambled out of the room.
"Must take over Tri-State Area!" the machine rumbled before following them out the door, leaving Buford alone on Ferb's bed.
Agent P had finished with the post-mission paperwork and was getting ready to enjoy some well deserved rest with the kids. He returned his hat to its place on his hat rack and hit the switch to take him back to the secret entrance behind Ferb's bed.
When he stepped into the boys' room and assumed his house pet disguise, he was surprised to find Buford alone, muttering nonsense as he lay on Ferb's bed. He made a sweep of the house to find the others. Linda and Lawrence were in their room, Candace's door was shut tight, the only place the boys could be was downstairs. Perry crept down on all fours and started hearing noises coming from the kitchen.
"Alright, we made it to the kitchen, now what is your plan, Phineas?" Baljeet panted.
"Well, I figured that since it is a vending machine, its biggest weakness must be healthy food," Phineas replied. "Everyone grab something healthy, and let's try to scare it out of the house."
The vending machine turned the corner to face the boys as they stood in the kitchen. "Nowhere to run now!" It shouted.
"Look what we've got!" Phineas told it, and the three boys each held up a food item.
"Spinach!" Phineas yelled, holding it high over his head.
"Lima beans!" Baljeet mimicked Phineas.
"Tofu." Ferb spoke calmly, also holding it aloft.
The robot bellowed in response before staggering backward and disappearing behind the corner.
"I can't believe that actually worked," said Phineas with mild surprise.
Perry saw that a giant robot had Phineas, Ferb, and Baljeet cornered in the kitchen. He immediately leapt into action, springing on the back of the robot and using his weight to try to pull it away from the boys. It staggered backwards, and Perry was able to remain hidden behind the machine to assure that none of the kids saw him. After he had pulled the machine back to stand over a secret trap door which led to his lair, Perry activated the switch to open the entrance and they both fell through the floor. A split second after the entrance closed shut, the boys rounded the corner, food items still aloft, and realized that the vending machine had mysteriously vanished.