Summary: What if there had been no Blight when Lilith Cousland joined the ranks of the Grey Wardens? How would she have coped with her new role and what relationships would she have forged when free of the pressure of saving the entire country?
A/N: I'm not even going to bother trying to come up with an excuse for not writing for so long – apparently I'm just terrible at organisation. But, I re-read the last chapter of this story yesterday and it made me think that maybe it was about time to try and make myself write another, because I'd forgotten how much I liked it, even though I actually like it slightly less than when I started. Oh well, here goes. Thanks again to anybody and everybody who reads this, but super, extra special thank you's to anyone who has actually been reading from the beginning and will give this story (and me) a second chance. On with the chapter!
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age: Origins or any of its characters (just my Lilith Cousland) and receive no profit from this story.
Morrigan led the party through the trees until they reached a small clearing on the edge of one of the Wilds' many stagnant ponds. A large wooden shack, clearly the abode of the witch and her mother, stood off to the side, its rear wall embedded back into the forest, and next to a small fire in the centre of the dell stood an old woman dressed in peasant's clothing, peering curiously at the arriving group.
"Greetings, Mother." Morrigan began, approaching the woman in question, "I bring before you four Grey Wardens who-"
"I see them girl," The woman interjected harshly, "Hmm, much as I expected."
At this, Alistair scoffed disbelievingly, "Are we supposed to believe you were expecting us?"
"You are required to do nothing, least of all believe." She replied enigmatically, "Shut one's eyes tight or open one's arms wide… either way, one's a fool!"
"She's a witch, I tell you! We shouldn't be talking to her." Daveth piped up from the very back of the group, eyeing the woman nervously.
"Quiet, Daveth." Instructed Ser Jory, "If she's really a witch, do you want to make her mad?"
At this, the old woman's piercing gaze turned to the knight. "There's a smart lad." She spoke, her tone somewhat condescending, "Sadly irrelevant to the larger scheme of things, but it is not I who decides." She continued, an unnerving glint of withheld knowledge help deep within her eyes, "Believe what you will."
She stepped forward now, turning her attention to Lilith at the head of the group. "And what of you, the Lady Cousland?" She asked, a slight upturn to her lips as she watched Lilith's eyes widening in shock, "Does your woman's mind give you a different viewpoint? Or do you believe as these boys do?"
"How do you know who I am?" Lilith demanded, feeling her hackles rise in defence at the gleam in the old woman's pale yellow eyes.
"My dear child," she replied, laughingly, "I know many things. To explain how I came to that knowledge would be tedious and I am not wont to waste time."
"This certainly feels like a waste of our time." Mumbled Alistair under his breath.
She continued, ignoring the comment of the other Warden, "Speak then, girl. What say you?"
"I- I do not know what to believe." Lilith replied honestly.
"A statement that possesses more wisdom than it implies." The woman returned, approval lacing her tone, "Be always aware… or is it oblivious? I can never remember. So much about you is uncertain… and yet I believe. Do I? Why, it seems I do!" She finished, with a short cackle of laughter.
"If you know who I am, then you must know of my brother." Lilith started, seemingly disturbing the woman from her momentary musings, "Tell me, have you seen him?"
"Both Cousland heirs wandering about in these dark and dangerous forests? What strange times these are, indeed." The old woman replied wistfully.
"Please, have you seen or heard anything of him at all? He was leading a scouting party to search out the Darkspawn."
"I do not involve myself in the affairs of others, child. I am content with my life of seclusion. It is Morrigan," she now turned a disapproving eye onto her daughter, "who so enjoys looking in on civilisation, who listens to their silly tales. Oh, how she dances under the moon!" She laughed.
"They did not come to listen to your wild tales, Mother." Morrigan interjected, her tone one of exasperation.
"True, they came for their treaties, yes? And before you start barking," she continued, as she turned to her hut, "your precious seal wore off long ago. I have protected these."
"You… Oh, you protected them?" Alistair asked, as the scrolls were handed over.
"And why not?" The woman asked defensively, "I sensed they're usefulness had not yet expired and look how right I was. Take them to your Grey Wardens and tell them this Blight's threat is greater than they realise!"
"Thank you for returning them." Lilith said gratefully.
"Such manners." She replied, sounding shocked, "Always in the last place you look – like stockings! Oh, do not mind me." She continued with a laugh at the unusual stares she was receiving from the group, "You have what you came for. See your guests out, girl."
Morrigan turned to her mother disbelievingly before heaving a defeated sigh, "Oh, very well. I will show you out of the woods. Follow me."
As the group turned to follow Morrigan, Lilith heard the old woman call out to her.
"There is yet more upheaval to come in your life, child," She warned, her features once again set in seriousness, "You must overcome all adversity or perish… and the cost of that may be more than you realise."
Lilith watched with a sense of foreboding as the woman turned her back and retreated into her home. When she was gone from view, the Warden jogged to catch up with her party, coming to a stop next to Alistair at the head of the group.
"Well that was strange." He spoke wryly, but his eyes conveyed concern as he looked sidelong at his companion.
"Indeed," Lilith returned, not wanting to think back over the encounter, "but we have the treaties now and that's all that matters."
"Yes, yes I suppose you're right." Alistair replied, though he still sounded sceptical.
xXx
Upon arriving back at Duncan's camp, the vials of blood were immediately handed over alongside the treaties before the Warden Commander was pulled to one side by Alistair.
Lilith used the barrel of water outside Duncan's tent to clean her equipment of the spawn's viscous ichor that had become splattered across all of her person, all the while keeping one eye on the conversation between her friend and their leader. From the worried glances that were being not-so-subtly thrown in her direction, she knew that their topic would be her admittedly confusing episodes in the Wilds, but she found herself wishing that Alistair hadn't made such a fuss. Once she had decided to embrace the foreign feeling instead of fighting it, she had felt a calm clarity befall her and surely that could only be a useful state to achieve in battle.
As she finished wiping down her blades, she saw Duncan approaching her, his features, already somewhat haggard with what one could only assume was years of stress as Commander of the Grey, creased with concern. Despite this, his voice was light and calm when he spoke.
"Alistair has informed me of your reaction to the Darkspawn's presence," he began and held up a hand to prevent any interruption Lilith would try to make, "and while it is certainly unusual, I can assure you that there is no need to be concerned. I will, however, ask you to spend some time with my Second in the morning; he can help you to focus your mind when the creatures are near so that you will be in no danger of being overcome by the sensation."
"Yes, of course, Duncan." Lilith replied, surprised into instant obedience by his composed reaction after the much more frantic one of Alistair.
"Very well. I have had the circle mages preparing. With the blood you've retrieved we can begin the Joining ritual immediately."
"Shouldn't we be allowed to know what this ritual entails?" Ser Jory asked, stepping forward with Daveth.
"I will not lie." Duncan began gravely, turning his attention to the recruits, "We Grey Wardens pay a heavy price to become what we are. Fate may decree that you pay your price now, rather than later."
"What… What does that mean?" The knight interjected again, his countenance turning paler by the second.
"I can say no more at the moment; we should begin. Lilith," he turned his attention to her once again, "I will need to you to accompany our recruits to the old temple."
Lilith nodded her assent, beckoning to the two men to follow her.
xXx
The sun was beginning to set, streaking the sky in brilliant shades of pink, orange and yellow, when the group of three ascended the stairs to the old temple.
"The more I hear about this Joining, the less I like it." Ser Jory stated to no-one in particular.
"Are you blubbering again?" Daveth asked, frustration creeping into his tone at the knight's complaints.
"Why all these damn tests? Have I not earned my place?"
"Maybe it's tradition, maybe they're just trying to annoy you." The thief replied, clearly hoping he could shut the other up.
"Calm down." Lilith interposed, "Worrying about this won't help anyone."
"Yeah, Ser Knight. Try not to wet your trousers before the ritual even starts." Daveth sneered.
At this, Jory seemed to turn defensive. "I have just never engaged a foe I could not face with my blade." He said, turning to Lilith as though to explain his fear.
"I understand, Ser Jory." She conceded, reasonably, "But there is nothing to be done for it now."
She was glad to finally see Duncan approaching, not sure how to reassure the nervous knight when all she could remember of her own ritual was pain and hellish nightmares.
"At last, we come to the Joining." Duncan began and Lilith stepped back as he explained the ritual to the two men and how it is that the Wardens gain their unnatural powers in fighting the spawn.
"We speak only a few words prior to the Joining, but these words have been said since the first. Lilith," she looked up at the mention of her name, "if you would."
She nodded her acquiescence, remembering the words from her own Joining, when they were spoken by a solemn and nervous-looking Alistair.
"Join us, brothers and sisters." She began, bowing her head as if in prayer, "Join us in the shadows, where we stand vigilant. Join us as we carry the duty that cannot be foresworn. And should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten and that one day, we shall join you."
"Daveth, step forward." Duncan instructed, retrieving the large chalice from the table behind him.
Lilith watched as the thief took the goblet from Duncan without trepidation, feeling that she had perhaps misjudged this man who faced a possible death without fear. Daveth returned the empty cup to Duncan's waiting hands, a moment of stillness passing before an agonised groan was ripped from the man's throat, piercing the silence. He stumbled backwards, revealing the stark white of his rolled back eyes to Lilith and Ser Jory, and the young Warden couldn't help the gasp of dismay that escaped through her lips. The knight beside her turned upon hearing the noise and the sight of her horror seemed to increase his own ten-fold, but Lilith didn't notice, couldn't possibly tear her eyes away from the scene in front of her no matter how much she wished to. She watched, rapt, as Daveth fell to his knees, still screaming as he clutched his throat, before he simply turned limp, slumped onto the floor and was still.
"I am sorry, Daveth." Duncan spoke, looking down upon the man's body before turning his cold gaze onto Ser Jory and summoning him in turn.
Lilith watched, feeling detached from herself, as the knight took a few faltering steps backwards, away from both Duncan and the unmoving form of his fellow recruit. His eyes kept flitting back to Lilith's face, to the abject horror that was still etched there and the shining tears threatening to fall, as though hoping her fear would vindicate his own, but the Warden Commander matched him step for step, ignoring his excuses and pleas. Lilith continued watching, frozen until she saw Duncan draw his weapon. She squeezed her eyes closed as tight as she could, hearing the clash of steel on steel before the unmistakeable sound of flesh being pierced and a pained grunt was issued forth. The young noble turned on her heel and ran, the only things registering in her mind her own racing heartbeat and the almost sorrowful mutter of 'I'm sorry'.
xXx
Alistair was dismayed when he learnt what had unfolded at Daveth and Ser Jory's Joining, but for how horrible such a loss was, he couldn't help but be more concerned about Lilith and how she was faring after having witnessed it first hand. Duncan, knowing well of the friendship that had formed between the two and being concerned himself, had relayed her reaction to Alistair and so the blonde set about trying to find her, which wasn't nearly as difficult as the last time she had disappeared.
He went first to the corner of Ostagar that had been given to the Wardens to set up camp, seeking out her tent, and was both relieved and troubled to hear the quiet weeping coming from within. Ignoring the gentlemanly part of his brain that told him it was rude, he brushed his way through the tent-flaps without invitation and was greeted by the sight of Lilith hunched over on the edge of her cot, her face buried in Max's neck as his fur muffled the sobs that wracked her thin body. Watching her for a moment, Alistair couldn't help but think how small and young she looked, clutching her hound to her like a child with a stuffed toy.
The mabari noticed his entrance, his soft, almost comforting whines caused by his mistress' distress turning to a growl of displeasure as he bared his teeth at the intruder, ready to fight off anyone who would try to harm her while she was vulnerable. The change prompted Lilith to lift her head in question, finally allowing her to notice Alistair standing at the entrance to her tent, granting her a look of such pity that she almost wanted to throw up her defences. But as much as she wished she could hide her vulnerability, especially as she was to join a battle in less than twenty-four hours, she couldn't bring herself to push her friend away. She brushed her hand down Max's neck a few times, soothing him and telling him that she was safe, before giving a strained, wobbly smile to Alistair that was supposed to be reassuring. From his reaction, she couldn't help but think that she must have fell a mile short of her target, as her friend rushed to sit next to her on the cot and pull her into a comforting embrace.
At this small gesture, Lilith's sobs redoubled, but Alistair was determined to let her spend her anguish in tears against his chest if that was what she needed and he was vindicated when he felt her hands clutching into tight fists in the rough material of his shirt.
They stayed locked in the other's embrace for some time, until Lilith's body was no longer shaking with the force of her sobbing and her tears turned only to the occasional sniffle. She pulled back from the circle of Alistair's arms, feeling mortified when she spotted the damp patch she had left behind on his shirt and mumbling an apology to the floor by their feet.
"I shouldn't have gotten so upset." She spoke quietly, her voice coming out rough and shaky, "When it was my own Joining, I just- I didn't realise." She continued, turning wide eyes up to her friend as she tried and failed to find the words to explain. "And I've seen so much death." She dropped her gaze back down, now speaking almost to herself.
She startled when she felt warm, calloused fingertips pushing her hair out of her still-damp eyes and brushing it behind her ear. She smiled at the small act of comfort, remembering when her father had done the same after she had fell down and scraped her knee and how it was only then that she had been able to stop her tears. But instead of pulling his hand away, Alistair let it rest against the side of her face, using his thumb to wipe away the remnants of wetness against her cheekbones. She glanced up into her friend's warm amber eyes in surprise, before bringing her left hand up to clutch at his right in silent thanks. Their hands dropped to the space between them, still entwined.
"Are you going to be alright?" Alistair spoke for the first time since finding her.
"Yes, I think so." She replied, although she knew she didn't sound very convincing. "Thank you… for everything, for being here for me." She finished, smiling genuinely.
"You're welcome." With this her friend stood up to leave, but just as his hand was slipping from her grasp, Lilith grabbed it tightly again.
"Would you…?" She started to ask in a small voice, not able to look the blonde in the eye, "I mean, well, could you possibly stay in here with me tonight? I don't really… want to be alone." She finished, feeling her cheeks turn hot with embarrassment.
Alistair gave her fingers a reassuring squeeze, prompting her to look back into his face to see him smiling brightly. "Of course, whatever you need. I'll just see if I can find a spare bedroll from somewhere." And with that he disappeared back out through the tent flaps.
xXx
Alistair returned some time later, grumbling to himself about how difficult it was to find a bedroll in a camp full of soldiers sleeping rough, to the sight of Lilith already fast asleep on her cot, Max curled up by her feet and snoring lightly. He blushed a little when he realised that she was still using his old shirt as night clothes, noticing how the overlarge collar had slipped down to reveal the line of one lithe shoulder, and contemplated leaving for his own tent. However, he decided against it, feeling like it would be a betrayal to leave her alone after he promised to come back, even if she was already out for the count and wouldn't notice, and so he quietly came around to the side of the bed, placed the roll on the floor and, before settling in for the night, placed a feather light kiss on Lilith's cheek.
A/N: Okay, so there was actually a lot more dialogue in this chapter that was taken straight from the game than I had thought there'd be. I hope that doesn't bother anyone and thanks so much for reading!