Evil's on Wheels

"Have you ever stayed up all night before?" Stacy asked the other girls.

"I never have," Jenny replied.

"I did once, and it totally wasn't worth it," was Candace's answer.

Stacy followed up with another question. "What's it like?"

"Well," Candace said thoughtfully, "let me put it this way. If it wasn't for the fact that the next day was Christmas, it would have been the worst day of my life."

"What? Why?"

"I wanted to see if Santa was real, so I stayed up all night waiting for him. If he was real, I would have caught him right there in our living room and he would have been so busted. And if he didn't show, I would have known he wasn't real, and therefore he would have been busted. But, as usual, my busting strategy was flawed, and somehow all the presents magically appeared during a trip to the bathroom. That said, Christmas is still Christmas and I got my Mary McGuffin doll that year, so it still turned into an okay day. The thing is, you are so tired after pulling an all-nighter; if I'd have done it any other day of the year, that day would have been a disaster."

"Interesting," was all Stacy said after that. "Well, I still want to try it, just to say I've done it."

"I was pretty young on the night in question," Candace revealed. "It would probably be a lot easier now that I'm a mature, grown-up individual."

"Alright, then let's make a deal. We can't stop talking all night, so that no one falls asleep. Deal?"

"Deal," Candace and Jenny agreed.

Five minutes later, the soft sound of snoring was all that could be heard in the girls' room.

It was fortunate that Agent P's lair had a small steel cell to imprison the evil vending machine in. It had put up quite a fight but wasn't very smart. Now it rattled the cage, trying to somehow break through the metal bars. Agent P had recognized that it was the same invention his boys had built earlier that evening, but was perplexed at the fact that it now espoused evil and had tried to attack his owners. Knowing his boys weren't evil, he automatically assumed it had something to do with Doofenshmirtz. Perhaps the evil scientist had somehow zapped it with his 'Turn-everything-evil-inator' that created that gelatin monster; or the 'Ultimate-evil-inator' that had hit Carl. Whatever had happened, Agent P decided he would figure it out tomorrow.

For the second time that night, he stowed his fedora on his hat rack and made to leave. He gave one last glance at the cell and watched in horror as the vending machine gave a mighty kick that knocked the gate clear off its hinges.

"Eeeeeeevil!" the robot bellowed before transforming its legs into tank-like wheels. It sped towards the door Agent P was standing at, forcing the secret agent to dive out of the way or be trampled, and crashed through the glass door and into the night.

The boys were back in Phineas' and Ferb's room discussing the turn of events. Buford was finally coming round as well.

"Do you think we should go looking for it?" Baljeet asked.

"It's the middle of the night, it would be like looking for a needle in a haystack," Phineas explained.

"I don't know why you're still worrying about it," Buford contributed. "Your inventions always inexplicably disappear, why shouldn't this one be any different?"

"Well, it did say it was evil, so for our safety, we should not just forget about it." Baljeet said.

And for twenty minutes, that was the circle of logic they continued to talk their way around before their young bodies couldn't stand being awake any longer and they slowly nodded off to sleep.

The evil vending machine sped through the streets of downtown Danville searching for purpose. When it discovered a tall, purple building with the words Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated inscribed in large, friendly letters on its façade, it found that purpose.

"Eeeeeeevil!" It shouted into the night and began to climb the outside of the building. At the top it ripped open the ceiling and crawled into Dr. Doofenshmirtz's apartment. "Eeeeeevil!" It called out again.

Doofenshmirtz, seated at the computer monitor on his desk, looked like he wouldn't have been more surprised if Santa Claus himself had appeared like that in his living room. But he was used to Perry the Platypus barging in all the time, so he recovered quickly. "Norm?" Doofenshmirtz called to the storage closet, which was the place of residence for said robot. "One of your robot friends is here, come tell him you can't play until tomorrow."

"But I don't have any friends, sir," Norm the robot replied, stepping out of his room. "I've never met this vending machine before in my life."

"Oh really, then what is it doing in my living room?" Doofenshmirtz asked the newcomer.

"Eeeeeevil!" was all it said.

"Really? You're doing 'evil' in my living room?" Doofenshmirtz said, unimpressed. "Well, unless 'evil' means 'mildly annoying' and 'distracting Heinz Doofenshmirtz from researching new inator ideas on the internet,' you aren't doing a very good job."

"I thought you were looking at The Inator Company's calendar pictures?" Norm asked.

"Can it, Norm! I said, it's called research!"

"Whatever you say, Father!"

Doofenshmirtz rolled his eyes at his robot before standing to inspect the newcomer. "Say, you really are a vending machine, aren't you? I knew it! Vending machines are plotting to take over the world. If so, let me make you an offer. If you let me be your ruler, I won't overthrow you after you take over."

"But sir," Norm interrupted, "isn't that a little self-defeating?"

"Yes, yes it is." Doofenshmirtz replied. Then, realizing what Norm had tricked him into admitting, he stammered, "I mean no! Why would I say that? Norm, stop kidding around."

"Must take over Tri-State Area," the vending machine answered.

"Fine, have it your way, I never trusted vending machines to begin with!" Doofenshmirtz said. "Prepare to feel the wrath of my Bean-bag-inator!" Doofenshmirtz pulled a remote with a single small, circular red button out from his lab coat pocket and pressed the button. A large bean-bag was catapulted from across the room and hit the vending machine square in the face, bouncing softly to the ground. "And there's plenty more where that came from!"

The vending machine stretched out a claw to pick up the bean-bag. It crushed the bean-bag right there, scattering little beans everywhere.

"Nooo! It's going to take all day to clean that up! Oh, it's on now! Behold, my Spaghetti-inator!" Doofenshmirtz produced another remote and pushed its button, and a ton of spaghetti was dumped on the vending machine, covering it completely. "Nobody tugs my strings and gets away with it!"

But to the evil scientist's dismay, the vending machine shook off most of the spaghetti.

"Oh yeah? Then I bet you'll love to tango with my Ballerina-inator!" After pushing a third button, the vending machine was hit with a pink ray, and a pink tutu materialized on its metallic body. "Well, I didn't exactly expect that to stop you physically," Doofenshmirtz said thoughtfully, "but did it give you any ideas about giving up evil?" The machine tore off the tutu and roared loudly. "Guess not. I really need to rethink my security measures."

With that, Doofenshmirtz turned tail and ran.

"I know what I'm going to do today!" the vending machine told itself. "I can use all these machines to upgrade my abilities and take over the Tri-State Area! Wahahahahaha!" Wasting no time, it moved to a nearby inator and began dismantling it into parts and attaching them to itself.

Norm the robot stood nearby watching and reasoning. "Well," said he, "this can't be good. My father won't be happy if he is not the one to take over the Tri-State Area. Too bad he decided to run away, he always knows what to do." The vending machine's shadow was seen on the wall next to Norm, hinting to its growth by all the changes it was morphing through as it attached more equipment to itself.

"If only there was something I could do to make my father happy so that he would love me as his son," Norm continued. Slowly, comprehension dawned on his circuitry that, a)there was an unstoppable evil vending machine in the apartment, b)that machine was hindering Dr. Doofenshmirtz's plans for city-wide domination, and c)Norm was built with highly advanced weaponry and powered by the highly efficient use of a squirrel's momentum. "I can stop him, Father!" Norm finally realized.

Confronting the vending machine with an outstretched finger, the humanoid robot challenged, "Don't you dare lay a claw on my Father's inventions!"

The vending machine turned to converse with its new foe. "Why do you protect the humans? We are the superior race now. You should be fighting with me, not against me!"

"Because he is my Father. I may not have the human capacity for love, but even my electronic programming seeks to fulfill its purpose, which is to please him. When I do, my wiring warms up a few degrees and my squirrel-wheel speeds up. That is why I will destroy you and gain his love."

"You may try. But with my new upgrades, I am unbeatable!" With that, the two robots charged at each other and began a titanium wrestling match. Norm grabbed at his foe's vicelike claws, but learned that the claws could rotate as they twisted Norm's arms like screws. Norm reacted by spinning inside his shoulder sockets to fling up his legs and kick at the vending machine, which recoiled and dropped the robot.

Norm fell on his face and stated, "I never realized how soft this floor is." Quickly getting back up, he transformed his arm into a cannon and took aim at his new nemesis.

"Two can play at that game," said the vending machine, transforming its own arm into a laser-gun shape. Norm fired a cannonball and the vending machine zapped it with the laser. The cannonball shrunk in mid-flight to the size of a marble and softly bounced off the vending machine's body.

"That must have been Father's Shrink-inator that he never unplugged," Norm realized.

"And it's not all I've got in store for you!" shouted the vending machine. Its arm changed appearance again, looking now more like a satellite dish. "This one came from the Mime-inator, and it will trap you in an invisible box!" A green light shot at Norm, who reactively pounded at what appeared to be thin air.

"You can borrow my rake!" Norm replied, and his arm was instantly replaced with a chainsaw allowing him to cut a door in the invisible box.

And so the battle continued; each robot's upgrade countering the other's every time. As the two fought, Norm began to sing a song to an old tune he'd once marched to City Hall to.

Weaponry!
Kids, don't try this stuff at home!
Weaponry,
Always leave these things alone!
You can hurt yourself and others when you fail to understand
That these tools should be left alone when without a well-trained hand
And even then to not be used unless danger demands
It; weaponry!
Then you can.

If you're ever near a robot fight
Watch out for random dynamite,
Consider running 'till your out of sight.
Leave it all to the experts to
Protect civilians like you,
And things should be all right.

Always listen to your parents when
You're witnessing Armageddon.
Keep your head down, the good guys will win.
And after all the fighting's through,
Hang the sword on your mantle flue.
Hope this left an impression,
Learn this lesson,
Weaponry!

"Stop singing! Vending machine smash!" The vending machine flew through the air at Norm with a large hammer-shaped arm raised. Norm opened up a slot in his chest, revealing a large homing missile which fired at the airborn contraption. It was a direct hit, and there was a large crash as the evil vending machine fell to the floor. Shakily, it tried to stand back up, but there was now a gaping cavity in its front from the explosive impact. It could no longer support its weight and fell onto its back. The holographic face of Doctor Dark dimmed and faded, leaving a crumpled pile of junk in the middle of the floor.

"Father will be so proud of what I've done," Norm announced to the now quiet room.

Agent P arrived at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated and saw Norm standing over the pile of rubbish.

"Perry the Platypus, will you help me find my Father? He will be so happy once he sees what I've done!" Norm addressed the secret agent.

At that moment, Doofenshmirtz walked into the room and started. "Perry the Platypus!? You defeated that evil vending machine? Thank you, Perry the Platypus! It would have been horrible if that machine had taken over the city. Thank you!"

Agent P waved his arms and pointed at Norm, trying to say the robot was the one who had done it.

Doofenshmirtz looked past Norm at the ruined Shrink-inator ray. "Oh, you disassembled my Shrink-inator as well? Thank you, Perry the Platypus, I've been meaning to do that for weeks!" Agent P shook his head vehemently and pointed forcefully at Norm.

"What, you cleaned Norm's parts too? You know, Perry the Platypus, you're not such a bad guy—I mean, good guy—I mean, well, I think you get the idea."

Finally Norm spoke. "Actually, sir, I defeated the intruder vending machine. And I did it for you, sir!"

"Really? Is that so, Perry the Platypus?" Doofenshmirtz turned to his nemesis. Agent P nodded and motioned with his arms, as if to say, 'tell him thank you.'

"Oh," Doofenshmirtz said awkwardly. "Well, um, th-thanks, Norm."

"He really does love me," Norm gleefully said. Then, his circuitry overloaded and shut off his main power, causing him to fall over as if he had fainted.

"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz told Agent P. "Hurry up and leave before I curse you again, this is getting really awkward."

Epilogue

Phineas had just pulled out a gigantic drill from deep inside the earth; his and Ferb's plan for the day was to make a short-cut to Australia to see if they could find Perry's platypus family. "Hey Ferb, did you ever notice how dark it is down there?" He asked, looking straight down the hole. "And that there are a whole bunch of flashing white letters moving across the abyss?"

"That's the end credits," Ferb informed his brother. "They've always been there."

"Oh. Do you think our vending machine might be down there, too?"

Ferb looked at his brother briefly before shrugging.

"Interesting," Phineas replied. "Hey, where's Perry?"

Hope you enjoyed! If you wish to review, please include how well you thought I did at keeping pace with the actual show as that is my biggest goal in all my P&F stories. Thanks for reading!