A/N: You guys rock. I love your reviews and I'm really glad that you like this so far. I'm gonna try to respond to you guys too. Keep going, PLZ. It really is what I feed of nowaways. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now, less talking, more reading. R&R! Enjoy.
"It'll be fun!" Means it might be really shitty, but rather we all be miserable together, than alone. It was Freddie, trying to convince me with a lying high pitched voice, to go to this lame ass party at some girl's house.
Well, it wasn't just a random girl. No, scratch that. It was. Her name was Gerry, but
everyone called her G. She was as random as a person could be. Most of the time she would just do what everyone else was doing. Never heard of a free will or personality for that matter.
She, being a friend of Emilys, was, as randomly as her personality, seen at the Fitches from time to time. They were a small group of friends, just like we were.
Emily and Katie was born six whole minutes apart. That doesn't sound so special, but it also meant a year apart. See, Katie was born three minutes to twelve on new years eve, something she loved reminding us about when the day grew closer during Christmas. Emily, on the other hand, was born three minutes past twelve, the next year.
Six minutes turned to a years gap and Emily's been a "year younger" ever since. Which meant that she was in a grade under us too. Hence, other friends than us. Not that she wasn't welcomed, she was. But the whole year thing was pretty good for both of them. They never became those irritating twins that was exactly the same. Emily and Katie had different interests, different clothes, different hairstyles, well. Different everything. Especially different friends. Gerry being one of them.
"Do you honestly think you sound convincing right now, F?" I ask, giving him an eye roll with my words.
"Probably not, but fuck it. You're coming. I've got pills!" He squealed again.
This lightened my mood in an instant. I loved pills. I loved drugs. I loved anything that took me away from this cold heart-wrenching reality. This empty and haunted room that I didn't even understand why I was arguing for. Why would I even want to spend a second more than necessary in here? I wasn't going to anymore. And by the sound of Freddies pleased humming over the line, he knew he just convinced me of going.
"You're in luck today, little boy. I'll be over soon." I said with a hint of a smile in my voice before hanging up.
After a shower, some make-up and ten outfit try-outs, I found myself in the house of Fitches for probably the thousand time.
"They're on the nightstand, hun." Freddie's voice was muffled by the thick closet doors in his room that was swallowing him whole while searching for a shirt of some sort. A second later he came back out, struggling to get his head through the collar of a skinny worn-out t-shirt. It was his favourite. A greyish dusty old t-shirt with the print almost gone. I don't even know what it was in the first place. I just know that he loved it. Even more so these last couple of months. I had a feeling I knew why.
"Effys favourite, huh?" A smirk.
"Or my favourite, perhaps?" A glare.
"You know, there's nothing wrong with liking her, Freds." I said with a bit more seriousness lacing my words.
We've talked about Effy before. Many times before. But never really touching the subject that eventually was going to be brought up some day. Like today.
"Oh, stop it, N. It doesn't matter. She's with a new guy every other month. It was just a compliment. Just leave it?" He was silently begging. His eyes searching mine. Searching for some sort of understanding, and normally I would just back off and give him what he needed but not today. Not this time. Not anymore.
"No, I fuckin' won't this time, Freds." I wasn't harsh. I wasn't mad. I was smiling when I said it. It was a light statement. I just wasn't going to leave it.
The thing was, Freddie had been drooling over Effy since he first laid eyes on her. He was six years old and the Stonem family had just moved to the neighbourhood. Tony, her older brother, was helping her father empty the car, while Effy was sitting by the door just observing it all. Freddie had recently moved in with the Fitches, the Stonems next door neighbours, and was too, observing. But not the moving in process. Not Tony, not her father, not the car nor her slightly irritated mother yelling at her father to be careful with the vases. No, just her. Just observing observe her family. And when she felt that familiar feeling of being watched, she just turned to Freddie, and observed him too. This, in contrast to Effys reaction, made him feel uneasy and at the same time exhilarated. The same feelings he's had towards Effy ever since. A combination of unease and exhilaration.
"She's not that little girl sitting in a dotted dress anymore, you know?" I almost whispered with a voice so fragile. I didn't want to hurt him, or make him feel as if I was mocking a precious memory of his that he's confided in me.
"There's only so much observing one can handle." I said. Speaking for myself in too many
ways than one.
And suddenly this wasn't the time nor place to be having this conversation. It was a stupid decision of me, wanting to talk about something like this right now. For many reasons. A few of them being the deep red water that will swallow me whole if I start dipping my feet, like I just did with that sentence.
I knew he wasn't up for it either. Thankfully, he turned the subject around before I had the chance to backtrack all the words. It was way too late for that anyway.
"I know, okay? I know. But you know what?" He said, eyebrows raised. "There's too much talking and too little pill-taking in here. I'm disappointed, Naomi." Mock frown.
Thankful as I was, I just accepted his refusal to talk about Effy with a understanding smile and leaned myself over the bed to reach the pills on the table. I didn't notice that my top rose a bit with the movement, but someone else did.
"What's that?" I instinctively froze. I knew exactly what he was referring to. The bluish bruises on my lower back. The bruises he knew nothing about, and it was killing me not telling him about it. But telling him about it could mean the end of me. He would probably hurt Tom. Very bad. Which in a way isn't a bad thing at all, but if he'd survive, Tom on the other hand would hurt me. Very bad.
"What?" I pretended, and kept my eyes focused on the pills now in my hand. I quickly popped two in my mouth and swallowed hard. An act that seemed normal to Freddie, but was for an entirely different reason than the pills to me.
"That mark on your back. What happened?" It wasn't like he was on to something. It could have been anything. I could've just fallen from the stairs. And for the second time in a minute or so I was thankful again. Thankful that he didn't look more into it. That he didn't try to search my eyes for an answer. Thankful that he left it at that. That his eyes was observing the pills I was currently occupying in my hand rather than the small of my back.
"Oh, that. Hah. I don't know. Might have gotten it from work. Nina accidently hit me with door on her way in the other day. Doesn't hurt, I'll be fine." I gave him a finishing wink. He left it at that and downed two pills.
A interrupting cough from the door startled both of us.
"Anything left for me?" Katie said with a smile while waltzing into the room, sitting down beside me on the bed.
"Um. If you go back out, try that thing called knocking and wait for an answer, it just might be your lucky day." Ah. A man with strong principles. If there was someone respecting the privacy of others, it was Freddie. Barging in always annoyed him.
Katie, being the girl that she is, shot him a death glare but did as she was told. She was used to it by now and never really got offended. I don't really think she could care less.
When the knock came, I couldn't help but giggle a bit. The pills were starting to have its infamous effects. I could feel a faint flutter inside my ribcage rising, my heart beating with ease instead of struggling with every breath.
"Well, come on in then." Freddie called out.
But the beating of my heart suddenly stopped being light and feathery like it was mere moments ago. It was now rapidly increasing speed, thumping harder and harder for every breath, making it harder for me to focus on anything, really.
"I just came to say that Katie went to get the water gun. She's loading it now in the bathroom. You know what happens when you tell her what to do, Freds." A familiar raspy voice said from the doorway.
And with Emily now standing here, with newly showered hair and nothing but a pair of knickers and a thin white tank top on, being the reason for my now even heavier breathing, I can do nothing but avert my gaze from her slim form.
I have been in love with Emily Fitch since I was twelve. I didn't even realize it at first. You'd think that the shaky hands, the increasing heartbeats, the shortness of breath when I see her and those a little too friendly dreams at night would give it away. But it wasn't until that December night it really hit me. When her touch was scorching me and her scent was soothing me. I was sixteen then. I'm nineteen now. Seven years of loving. Three years of actually knowing it.
"You alright, Naomi?" Emily asks. Her voice filled with nothing but concern. And as her eyes reaches mine again, I can feel myself becoming more and more lightheaded by the second. I know it's mostly the drugs. Her and the drugs. With every feeling intensifying when popping pills, my shaky hands and shortness of breath is something I no longer can keep to myself.
"Yeah, you alright, hun? You're shaking." Freddie joins in.
"It's, it's just the pill." I choke out with a weak smile, convincing neither of them, and slowly lean back against the bed, trying to regain a somewhat normal heartbeat.
"You sure?" Freddie again. He's moved over from the floor to the bed and is now gently brushing away a few strands of hair from my face. Emily has closed the door and locked it so Katie wouldn't come in and drench this whole room and everyone in it.
"Here, drink some water." I don't know when it happened but Emily is suddenly way too close to me with way too little clothing holding out a glass of water for me to take. She's kneeling in front of me again, just like that time, and it takes everything in me to keep me from asking her to leave. Because she's the reason for this. Why I can't fucking breathe.
I shakily take the water from her hands, careful not to accidently touch her fingers during our short exchange and really really really try to calm down with every sip of the liquid.
Freddie places a hand on my stomach just to show that he's there and that I shouldn't worry or panic. His way of saying that everything is okay, that nothing bad is going to happen, that I won't die just because I'm having some sort of a panic attack. And it might just be the lack of air inside me that makes me imagine seeing a look of what I wish would be jealousy but might just be concern when Freddies hand is trying to soothe me.
After a few minutes or so, my erratic breathing returns to a somewhat normal state, well, as normal as it can be with Emily Fitch so close to me. And when I open my eyes I'm met by the smallest of smiles from her.
A loud banging startles everyone of us.
"There's your knock! Satisfied? Now let me in!" Katie yells from the other side of the door.
"Drop the water gun first." Freddie says.
"What? How did yo-.. Emily! You bastard!" Katie huffs and bangs at the door even harder. "You guys suck!"
"Whatever, then! Naomi, Tom is downstairs, says he wants to have a word with you. Hurry up now, would ya? I'm leaving in fifteen! Effy and Cook are already on their way." She mutters while shuffling down the corridor, back to her room.
Those worrying brown eyes is back on me in a split second. And it's not Freddies. The panic attack that had just calmed down was starting to return, the drugs intensifying everything again. This time though, just pure fear. And with Emily knowing exactly what it is because of this time, and Freddie not having a single clue, she puts me out of my misery without even asking.
"I'll tell him you guys already left." She says and with an emotionless voice and hastily exit the room without even waiting for an approval from me. Not that she needs to.
I couldn't be more thankful, because something inside me tells me that meeting Tom right now could have ended me in a second. Freddie doesn't seem to question Emilys action. He knows that me and Tom rarely get along, and assumes that the last thing I want to do is talk to him after having a panic attack.
"Fuckin' hell, N. You scared me!" He says, somewhat relieved, somewhat nervous still.
"I'm okay. I'm okay. I promise." A shaky breath. "Sorry for that." I smile weakly.
"I'm holding you to your promise, blondie. You ain't leaving me."
I seldomly think of someone as beautiful. People tend to either be particularly pretty, sexy, hot, mint, nice, cute. Anything but beautiful, really. That is, of course, until I witnessed
Emily Fitch sitting on the floor with a beer in her hand, giggling at some lame joke G just pulled.
Like all those times I've spent secretly watching her, this is not an exception. With her wavy hair carefully caressing her bare shoulders, her nose wrinkling when giggling even harder now, and her perfectly shaped lips leaning against the bottle, all I can think of is the definition of beauty.
The explicit definition of beauty is a quality that gives pleasure to the mind or senses. And when she accidently catches my stare, I can't help the pleasure overtaking me. The warmth, starting in the pit of my stomach, spreading throughout my body like a volcano eruption. Through my arms, leaving the sweetest of tingles inside my fingertips. Over and over and over again.
We're all sitting in a smaller open room, just next to the living room, which by now is probably a raging dance floor. With not that much of a crowd around us, an idea obviously came to Gerrys mind.
"Lets play I've never! Come on!"
Effy throws me a somewhat bored look, I give her the infamous eye-roll. We're not doing much else anyway. Cook on the other hand loves to let people know what he's up for in bed. 'Cause everyone knows it's always about sex in the end. It begins with a few innocent ones, just to end up in plain porn.
"I'll go first! Now drink if you have, ok? Hmm.." She scans the room with her eyes thoughtfully. "I've never had a crush on a teacher." And then she takes a sip. Emily starts laughing at this, much to Gerry dismay. "Mr. Howell in political science was fuckin' mint, Ems, and you know it!" She retorts. Emily just shakes her head while still giggling.
So beautiful.
"Mr. Howell is nothing compared to that fit guy that was some kind of nurse assistant like for six months or something, before we graduated, remember?" Katie says.
"Oh yes. We all remember." I pitch in. "Katie was suddenly feeling nauseous every day those six months. That fit guy eventually thought she was pregnant." I disclose to the rest of the group. They all start laughing and I eventually join. Katie does too.
It goes on like that for a couple of rounds. Suddenly I've emptied three more beers and popped another pill that I had left in my jeans pocket. Confessions, confessions, confessions. Every round making us more drunk. More honest. More careless.
"Okay, okay. My turn. I've never had a crush on a friends brother or sister." Katie says and smirks at Effy while taking a gulp from her beer. Effy just rolls her eyes (we all do, in this group). Almost every girl Effy met developed a crush on her older brother Tony. Except for me. But I wasn't innocent right now. Far from it.
Emily suddenly takes a small sip from her bottle, surprising me but also disturbing me more than what it should. She trows a glance at her friend Luke who seems to join in on this little innocent secret, responding with a sly smile.
And while being more drunk, more honest and definitely more careless, I casually take a sip, not even noticing it myself at first. Until I realize what I'm unveiling for everyone when the liquid runs a trail of regret down my throat.
Everyone is looking at me.
Options, exits, quick escapes screams inside my head.
Would they fall for it if I said I was just thirsty? No, no. That's stupid. I could never pull that off. I'll just say that it was Tony when I was thirteen or something. Yeah. That's good. But no, Effy knows I never liked Tony. One of the reasons why we're pretty good friends. She knew straight away when we met that I wasn't after her brother. All the other girls were. Like Katie. Fuck. FUCK. Can't I just say it was someone they don't know? But none of us really has other friends. I'm fucked.
Suddenly it feels like the whole room when quiet. Everybody's waiting. For me to do something. Say something. But someone reaches me to it.
"Fucking lezza! You don't think I've noticed how you've been looking at me?" A voice comes to life. They aren't siblings by blood, but they are by heart. I instantly freeze, and unnoticeably flinch at the lezza part of it all.
You could've heard a fucking pin drop.
It takes a while for me to register which twin that actually was talking to me and the hugest wave of relief washes over me as I see Katie smirking against me.
Thank. God.
They all start laughing and while mockingly giving her the finger, I give a smile of true gratefulness for getting me out of that train wreck of a mess that was growing closer and closer by the second. Not that she had any idea of what she was doing. She was just teasing and being her narcissistic self. Not even thinking for a second that it just might be her six minutes younger sister my heart is all about.
A heart that is racing so fast it makes swallowing almost impossible as I look at her and see that she's the only one not laughing. She's just looking at me with eyes that are impossible for me to read. I'm doing everything in my power not to spill it all with my revealing blues and speeding heartbeats. Trying to control the urge that is Emily Fitch.
And I'm finally about to let out the breath that I feel like I've been holding in forever when she looks away, lifting her bottle to her mouth. Only to feel that pleasure explode in the pit of my stomach when she glances back again, mixed with the fear of her knowing all my secrets and the relief that I'm still alive. Feeling.
Oh, Emily Fitch. The things you do to me.