A/N: Houston, we've got an update. First of all I just wanted to show my appreciation to you guys, so a HUGE thank you to Tartiflette, hereforcoinlaundry, my-other-ride-is-your-mum, IAmAwesomeBecauseMyNameIsSam, ithinktherefore, Brucas2006, Laura121, lumagoo1015, justallan, Whoa, lobstercheese, OnTheSly for your reviews. Don't stop. I love them. And thank you to everyone else reading this. Means the world. Secondly, I just really wanted to say that to hear you guys praise my writing means a lot. English isn't my first language, so you can imagine the feeling. Also I apologize for every grammar error that may occur. Now, let's get reading, shall we? Let me know what you think! R&R! ENJOY.
Dreams about red, more vivid than ever before, engulfs me every night. They usually occurred after seeing her, maybe an exception every now and then, but now. Now all I see is red.
It feels like it came from nowhere. The intensified longing for Emily. I'm not surprised, really. These last couple of years I've been chasing any kind of intoxication, something that would remind me of the fact that I am more than a walking dead. Something to remind me of what makes us human other than the blood running through our veins. And that's probably why I always felt drawn to her. Every time she was around it stirred something in me. Human reactions I'd never experienced before came to life near her. I came to life.
And just like any other addiction, you eventually crave more. And more. What does surprise me though, is that I managed to keep it on a regular basis for years. Settling with the few glances and sporadic interactions we shared. Settling with mostly watching her from afar.
But it's just growing and growing for every day. Every night. Becoming too much for me to handle sometimes. Dreaming about Emily always feels so real, that when waking up only to realize none of it really did happen, I physically feel my heart hurting. Breaking.
Sometimes, like now for instant, I wake up in the middle of the night. Cheeks flushed, hands shaking and a heart that's breaking.
I let out a sigh, run a hand through my hair and pick up my cigarettes from my desk and head towards my window.
While inhaling a much needed drag, my thoughts return to red. When I dream about kissing her it always tastes the same. A hint of raspberry spreads from the tip of her tongue, overcoming me. Her lips are always so soft. So soft. She tries to stifle a quiet moan, but I always feel it vibrating on my own lips. When my hand reaches underneath her shirt, carefully caressing her stomach, inching closer and closer to her breasts, I wake up. Just like I woke this night. But this night it didn't end there. This night her shirt flew off, and mine too. This night she caressed me too and if I think back on it hard enough, I can still feel the ghost of her illusionary touch. This night I felt more in a dream of red than ever before.
Another drag to calm me.
The sound of a window being pushed open disturbs me from my thoughts. As I glance to the house from where the noise was coming from, I see a dark figure climbing out of what has to be Emily's bedroom. I instantly freeze and feel how this heart of mine breaks even more. I crouch down a little, not wanting whoever it is to see me, suddenly feeling like an intruder.
I try to get a glance at who it is. First trying to tell myself that it could be anyone of her friends, only to realize that friends doesn't need to sneak out of other friends bedrooms. Friends are allowed to stay. This is someone who obviously isn't a friend.
Is it a boyfriend? You'd think Katie or Freddie would've mentioned Emily seeing someone. Even if we're not really in the same crowd, juicy news like that could never be kept by a gossip lover like Katie. Are they keeping it a secret? Should I ask Freds about this? Who is this person? Why are they leaving now at three in the morning? Images of Emily and this anonymous being having had sex all night runs through my head, like thousands of knives stabbing me over and over again. The thought of someone touching her, and her wanting to touch someone disturbs me even though I know it shouldn't. I just, can't help it.
"We'll talk tomorrow?" the dark figure whispers up towards the window, and I'm assuming Emily gave a nod back since I never heard a reply from her, but that doesn't bother me. No, but what does bother me and at the same time relieves me is that the whispered voice was everything but a dark, manly voice. It was a female voice. Leaving me utterly confused, not noticing how the cigarette have burned almost all the way down to my fingers.
After closing the window and returning to my bed, the thoughts of Emily being with another girl consumed me. Is she gay? Or was it just a friend? Maybe there's a really good reason for this. Maybe there's none at all. And then, the question that hurt the most stung behind my eyelids, even though I tried my very best to suppress it.
Does Emily have a girlfriend?
And this time I swear that I could hear my heart break.
I eventually fell asleep, again consumed by dreams of red. Only this time they weren't as pleasant as the one before. This time all I could dream about was Emily with this stranger. This unknown person that obviously has access to her bedroom. Something I could only wish for myself.
I woke up to a rainy Sunday, feeling more nervous than ever before about going over to Freds today.
The morning passed in a blur and hours later I found myself on the doorstep I've stood by so many times before, anxious to get rid of this nauseating feeling inside my stomach. Thankfully I was greeted by Katie and we headed down to the basement almost immediately.
Effy, Cook and Freddie were already there, sitting in a half circle waiting for us to join them. We all greeted each other with a welcoming nod.
"Naomikins, ye! We're waiting here. Come on, then." Cook said, throwing me a wink and a pleased smile with the joint leaning on his lips, waiting to be lit.
"Party's here now. Go on, then!" I said, occupying my usual seat on my persian cushion.
The tension inside me slowly subsided as I felt the familiar soothing feeling flooding my senses. I passed it on to Freddie, leaning back as I exhaled the smoke. Letting the drug overtake me.
"One fit bird ye, that Gerry girl." Cook said, thinking back on the party the other week.
"You slept with her? Uew! Gross!" Katie said, making an disgusted face for emphasis.
"Nothing gross at all about that girl, I say. For being a year younger, she was well experienced, if you know what I mean." He said with a satisfied smirk. "One of the best I've had actually." He finished. Katie just kept her repulsed face, making gag noises every now and then.
When the spliff eventually was back in my hand I heard the creaking sound of the stairs coming to life. Even before she was visible before our eyes, I knew it was her. But the footsteps belonged to more than one person and I instantly started to panic, thinking back on the dark figure from last night.
The only thing I knew was that I could not stand seeing Emily with whoever that was right now.
But speaking of the devil. It was only Gerry.
"It must be my lucky day, today." Cook grinned and started patting the small empty space beside him. "Come join us, ladies, why won't you?"
I glanced around our circle, not seeing anyone who seemed to mind Cook's invitation. Everyone was well out of it by now anyway. Except for me who was more than aware of what was going on.
Gerry didn't seem to mind and gladly accepted the invite. She seated herself next to Cook, with Emily slowly walking behind. I suddenly realized that the only place left to sit was next to me, and I immediately felt a heat radiating through my body, my already wobbly legs growing even more unsteady the closer she got.
"Got any room left there?" Her hoarse voice asked, brown eyes glancing down between the red cushion and me, leaving me speechless. I simply nodded as casually as possible in this moment and made as much room as I could for her to sit on.
"Thanks" she said quietly after making herself comfortable mere centimetres from me. I passed her the spliff, not really knowing what else to do or say. I'm so unaccustomed to being this close to her, heart and brain fighting for dominance, chaos and order in a fist fight inside.
And the sweet smell of her raspberry shampoo reaches my nostrils as she passes the spliff across the ring to Gerry, having to lean over me, draping me in red, in the process. Killing me slowly.
I start picking at the seams of the cushion as I always do, distracting me from the red that will swallow me whole if I can't suppress these impulses, and lately these impulses has become harder and harder to keep in check.
"Nai, what ever happened to Dylan? Fit bloke, yeah." Katie murmurs from the floor.
Dylan was a guy I met during a graphic design course at uni last semester. I was never really interested, mostly because everything I've ever been about is red, but a girl has her needs and he was.. well, he was comfortable. He was there when the thoughts about Emily became to much to bear, letting me just, breathe. I broke it off after two or three months, and he didn't hold any grudge. I think he knew what we were, and what I needed him for. Thinking back on it, I think he did the same with me. Just needing someone to offer this safe haven where the air is a little lighter than everywhere else.
"Nothing really." I didn't really have anything else to say. There wasn't anything else to say.
"I thought you fancied him?" Probing.
"I wouldn't have ended it if I did, would I?" It was a useless conversation. I felt myself becoming more and more agitated by this. Especially in front of Emily. Picking harder at the seams. When glancing around I'm met by Effys indigo eyes staring right at me. They're not accusing, they're not harsh, they're not saying anything. They actually remind me of Emily's eyes at the party, when everyone else was laughing but her. Like she was on to something.
"Right, right.." Katie nods. "Still fit, though." She finishes. Finally.
"So?" Emily interrupts. I thought we were done with this conversation?
"So.. what?" Katie glares back, frowning, not really understanding what she's trying to get at.
"Why does it matter? That he's fit, I mean." Questioning her sister. The only person, well except for Cook that is, who's never valued intelligence, interests, skills and other personality traits in a boyfriend.
This obviously bothers Katie. She might be used to us all telling each other off, but not her younger sister doing the same in front of us. Her friends. She squints her eyes, looking straight at Emily.
"You wouldn't know, would you?"
I have no idea what's going on between them, and I know it's not my place to intervene, but when I hear Emily's faltering comeback decay inside her, I can't help myself.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I frown.
A sneer grows on her lips, directed towards Emily. Everyone who knows Katie also knows what that facial expression means. She's about to insult Emily. Or say something Emily probably won't appreciate her disclosing.
But I reach her to it. Backing Emily up.
"You'd rather live the rest of your life with a fucking vegetable for a brain but has the looks of a Hollywood dream rather than someone you actually can have a decent conversation with?"
Katie rolls her eyes and I hear Emily letting out a relieved sigh.
"No, that's not what I'm saying. Never mind. We're not getting anywhere with this." She leaves it, but I know it's only because she didn't really have anything to counter with. Knowing we were right.
An hour or so has passed and I really need a cigarette. Katie has dozed off on the floor, Gerry is making out with Cook on the sofa, Freddie's playing a game of cards with Effy and Emily's sitting with a crossword looking utterly concentrated. Eyebrows frowning, deep in thought, not noticing me appreciating her beautiful features.
I look down at the puzzle, seeing where she's stuck.
I don't know what it is me, but the urge is uncontrollable now.
"Dingbat."
She looks at me as if I just insulted her, which, depending on how you interpret it, I kind of did. But that wasn't what I was getting at.
"No, no, not you. The word that's missing. It's dingbat. A font with pictures instead of letters."
Her offended expression eases in seconds, and she smiles that oh so beautiful smile making me think that my heart might explode right in this moment.
"Thanks. You like crosswords?" She looks at me, surprised.
"Yes? You seem surprised?"
"No, I just.. I just didn't think of you as the crossword type." The mere thought of Emily just thinking of me makes my stomach flutter.
"Fuckin' love'em."
A pause.
"I'm going out for a smoke, care to join?" I ask. I couldn't help it. I can't anymore. I can't stop this. I even think I'm using a flirty voice. Oh god. Thankfully Freddie and Effy are sitting by the table a few feet away from us, not hearing our exchange of words.
She still looks surprised. Like she never expected me to actually talk to her.
"Sure." She nods and stands up.
Shit. What am I going to say? What are we going to talk about? My wobbly legs makes themselves noticeable as I almost fall over when getting up. Emily steadies me by grabbing my arm, making me stumble even more than before. This results in my cardigan sliding down a bit, revealing a bruise that doesn't go unnoticed by brown eyes.
"Shit." I curse, but not because of my lack of balance, but the burning of her touch on my skin.
She has this look in her eyes now. It resembles a look of pity and I almost want to scowl at her, because the last person I want pitying me is her. Even that night, when she saw everything, that kind of pity never entered her orbs like now. She looks at me like I'm fragile. Confusing my tentativeness with hurt when the truth is it's only love. For her. I pull the fabric back up, not meeting her eyes. Ignoring this pity fest that's taking place in here.
"You coming?" I mumble, finally glancing back up at her. Grateful that the pity is now gone. Like it was never there in the first place.
And when she answers me, it all comes back. The red, the nervous hands. Flashes of previous dreams. Soft lips, warm skin. I'm forgetting every boundary I've ever made when it comes to Emily. I can't restrain it anymore. The craving. Needing her to follow me. To talk to me. To just be close.
"Lead the way."