A/N: Lovelies. Thank you. You guys and your reviews makes me happy. That's pretty awesome. It's such a boost. Really pushes one to write. Inspiring, that's what you are. And yeah, this is kind of a looong chapter. It wasn't even meant to be this long, but I didn't like the thought of splitting it up into two chapters, ruining the feeling of it. Well, you can be the judge of that. Let me know what you think. Is the progress of the story realistic? 'Cause that's one thing I really strive for when I write, and I'd really like to know if you think I'm straying way too far out there. Thank you for reading. Reviewing. And hopefully, enjoying. R&R!
It's been four days since we shared that bench. I've been trying my best to look at and think of anything else but her. It's been almost impossible. So I tried to stay away from the Fitch's House instead, drinking and reading mostly and spending some time with Effy and Cook. But this day is not just another day. It's a day of sorrow. A day of pain. Of love. And a memory. Because that is all you have left to hold on to in the end. When everything is gone.
The love that I feel for Emily is an undying love. It's pure and unwavering, yet extremely unnerving. And with her now having a slight clue of what's burning within me, my first instinct is to flee. Not from her. But from the heaviness that follows a love like this.
The soothing smell of wet asphalt along this street I'm pacing leads me to two strong dark marble columns, separating the dead from the living. As I enter the cemetery, I instantly turn left. I've been here so many times before. Dragged these feet of mine on the gritty path. When I reach her grave, I kneel down, placing the flowers I brought with me next to the tombstone.
Minutes passes by while I continue to sit there in silence. The pouring rain that first accompanied me when I got here has slowed down into a drizzle, wetting my already drenched coat. I like the feel of rain trickling down my face. Cleaning me. Cleansing me from everything. Taking everything with it to the ground. To the grave. Letting me shed these heavy layers of love and loss.
"I wish you were here." I whisper.
"I know you'd slap me on the head if you'd hear me. I know you wouldn't want me to grieve. But I.."
And it goes silent again.
"I just wish you were here."
"You know, sometimes when she looks at me I get this weird chill down the spine of neck, just like I used to get when you tickled me, do you remember?"
I let out a small chuckle, reminiscing inside this weary head of mine. Rain dribbling down, taking a replica of the memory with it.
"I know you didn't believe in crap like that, but I know it's you letting me know you're still here."
A loud sigh.
"But do you really have to go through her? Like she hasn't caused me enough heart attacks already."
I think of Emily and her brown eyes. How easy they are too drown in. The unfamiliar feeling of falling falling falling into the air, never crashing down.
I smile as I read her name on the tombstone in front of me. May Campbell. Sister. Mother. Grandmother.
My Grandmother.
"I know it sounds corny and a tad dramatic, but I'm afraid I might die if I never get to be with her. But at the same time, I'm just as afraid to die by just being.. with her."
I close my eyes. Letting the smell of this green scenery and a hint still left of the asphalt that followed me here be sucked in as I inhale a much needed breath.
"If you were here, you'd tell me what to do. Just tell me what to do. I can't stand it anymore."
I stand up, stretching my legs out and raise the hood of my sweater to my head.
"Mum would've probably said hi if she knew I was here. So, hi."
I look up at the foggy and grey sky, closing my eyes, relishing in the feeling of the cold rain against my already running tears. Taking them with it too. As I let out the hardest of breaths, I look back down on the grass that now covers this resting place of hers.
"I'll see you soon. You behave until then, all right?" No one else is here today. It's just me, the rain and the sound of my shoes scratching against the pebbles underneath as I turn to leave.
"I love you. Happy birthday."
I head over straight to the Fitch family, not even bothering going home first to change my clothes. I don't care that I'm drenched from head to toe. I don't care. Days like this, nothing matters. All I want is some peace. And the one thing I can think of that could ease this burdening feeling inside is the peace that resides in the Fitch's house.
Just one knock. Nothing more. It's Jenna that answers the door.
"Naomi! Hi, dear." Her tone is soft and warm, like a mother should sound. But her eyes frown as she takes in the state of me, sadness covering her mature features, like a mother would look.
"Come in, love. I'll put the kettle on."
"Here, put them on. You know where to leave the wet ones. I'll wash it later."
She hands me a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt that probably belongs to Katie. I go to the bathroom and peel of the damp textiles that's covering me, placing them next to the laundry basket. When I return, Jenna is sitting on the couch with two cups of tea in front of her, waiting for me to join.
This isn't the first time Jenna's seen me like this. Every year it's the same. When my Grandmothers birthday comes around, I always feel so lost. So alone. So scared. I miss her everyday. But too much on her birthdays. I become somewhat of a ghost. I feel nothing. Just this overcoming sadness, tugging at the heart strings. A dull ache.
She waits for me to speak. Whenever I'm ready. Never pushing it. But I don't want to talk today. I don't want to say anything. I just want to sit here. Just to sit.
She puts her hand over mine, giving it an squeeze before reaching for her cup. She smiles, and I can see that she's thinking about something.
"Whenever you were too much of a hassle, she'd spice her tea up with some whiskey." She laughs into the open air that surrounds us in their living room.
My grandmother used to live around here before she passed away. They were pretty close, her and Jenna.
"I can imagine." I croak out. Smiling back at her. "I was a pain in the arse sometimes." I state matter-of-factly.
"I'm going there later today. Going to pick some flowers from the garden. Fresh, just like she liked them."
I'm not saying anything. Jenna's not waiting for an answer either.
"You're staying for dinner. And the night. I'll prepare the food when I get back. Now get some rest, dear."
She kisses me on the forehead, and takes her cup as she stands up, walking out of the room.
I lean back on the couch, settling for a fetal position and fall asleep as soon as I close my eyes.
I wake up by the sound of the front door closing. I haven't got a clue of what time it is or for how long I've slept, still a bit out of it as I squint my eyes open. I'm feeling a bit feverish. Drained from energy. And emotion.
As soon as I hear a voice come to life, I know who it is. I know that voice, and it's husky but hushed at the moment. I'm assuming she's speaking on the phone, not knowing who might be home. I can't help but listen. I'm lying in the living room, after all.
"I don't want it anymore. I haven't for a long time. You just don't get, do you?" She sounds really annoyed.
"What? Lisa, you're talking shit." She sighs.
Never heard of a Lisa before.
"I'm tired and I don't want to be having this conversation. Leave it. It's over and done with. You can't just call me whenever it suits you." She kicks of her shoes, dropping her bag on the floor.
"And tell Luke to answer my fucking texts."
"Fucking hell.." She mutters.
The next thing I hear is, what I assume is the phone, slammed down on a table. It was Luke's sister. It had to be.
What did all that mean? Is she seeing her now? Was it her that was climbing out of Emily's bedroom? I hate Luke's sister. Fucking Lisa.
I hear her footsteps getting closer and closer for every step, suddenly coming to an abrupt stop as she probably sees me lying in here. I can't see her with my face on the opposite side of the couch, facing the opposite wall.
"Naomi?" She sounds startled at first, but it quickly turns into a distressed voice, panicking. "Is that you?"
She's walking faster and faster towards me, I can hear it. I don't even get the chance to answer when she continues.
"Are you all right? Did something happen?"
She's now in front of me looking down, worry written all over her face and body language as she kneels down to my level. She takes in the state of my face, my puffy and red stained eyes after both the crying and the rain. Frowning. Jumping to weird conclusions.
"He hasn't... you know, done anything?" She quietly asks, eyes darting over my body. Revealing what she's implying. "To you, has he?"
It took me a while to register at first, it went so fast I didn't have to time to say anything.
But as I realize what she's saying I hurriedly start shaking my head,
"No, no, god no." I say throatily. It's the first thing I've said in hours.
She closes her eyes and lets out a deep breath. Relief taking over.
"Good, good." She whispers.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." I say, looking down. I'm too drained to actually look at her. I'd just want to kiss her. Especially when she's so close. Her face a couple of inches a way, close enough for me to reach it if I tried, far enough for me to not feel her warm breath against mine.
"Don't worry, it's okay." She says, glancing around the room.
"It's my Grandmothers birthday today." I say, closing my eyes for a couple of seconds. The dull ache making it's presence clear once again.
"Oh.." She says with such a small voice. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I'm not."
"You obviously are. But I don't think I need to tell you how okay that is to be."
"I guess."
The door opens once again, startling Emily for the second time this day. She noticeably moves back a bit, creating a distance between us and clears her throat. I instantly miss her warmth.
"Emily, hi, love. Could you help me with dinner? I'm just going to fetch the groceries from the car." Jenna asks, popping in with her head from the doorway.
"Yeah, okay." She says, standing up.
"You feeling better, Naomi?" Jenna again.
"Yeah, I guess. Thanks."
"Dinner in an hour, okay? Go take a bath. You'll feel better." And with that she's gone.
"You staying?" Emily asks, looking at me before heading to the kitchen.
"Yeah, staying." I carefully say. Offering the slightest of smiles.
She says nothing. Just staring me down from above. Nodding slightly, a smile on her lips, before leaving the room.
I'm in Freddie's room, ready to head downstairs for dinner. I took a long bath and borrowed a t-shirt from Freddie. I found my own jeans lying on the floor, probably just forgotten them after spending the night. It felt a bit better, but not much. Still, the dull ache. Just, aching.
She's poking at the peas. She really doesn't like them. I put my fork down after eating the last pasta from my plate. During the dinner we had talked about my Grandmother. It felt good. Jenna shared some memories, I shared some. It felt better, honouring her rather then grieving. I still miss her, oh so much. But still.
Jenna. She's a lifesaver. And speaking about saved lives.
"Man, that was good." Freddie says, leaning back on his chair, placing his hands on his stomach.
We all thanked for the food and headed down to the basement. Freddie rolled one up. The rain was pouring down now, smattering against the windows. I love that sound.
It was just me, Freddie, Katie and Emily. It wasn't awkward or weird. It felt good. It felt nice and safe.
"This one's for May Campbell." Freddie announced, as he sat down and reached me the spliff. Locking eyes with me, he silently said everything he needed to say; I'm here for you. It's all right. Everything will be okay. You'll always have me.
I just look at him, tears starting to burn behind me eyes, thanking him.
"For May Campbell." We all say in unison as I light it up. I close my eyes as I take a long, deep drag and passing it to Katie. Emily watches the exchange. We passed it around until there was nothing left to do but to put it out and we then we just sat. Together.
"Remember when Dad took us to the lake that time? You dropped your mascot or whatever it was in the freezing water?" She said, directing the last part to Emily. I remember it well. I was about eight.
We all nodded.
"And you! Super hero over there." she pointed to me. "Digging your hand down to pick it up. You couldn't move your hand properly for hours!"
We all chuckled a bit. I couldn't move my fingers for minutes afterwards. It was really freezing. The water, colder than the coldest of ice you can imagine. But I got it. It was worth it. Emily was about to cry when she dropped it. I couldn't stand it. I just wanted her to smile. I remember thinking she was so beautiful when she smiled.
Emily looked at me, smiling that damn smile that was the reason for my temporary disability at the time.
"Snowball could have died!" she squealed, poking Katie in the ribs.
"Ouch, bitch!" she groaned while laughing. Freddie joined in too. We all did.
And that's how it continued for three more hours. Katie eventually went upstairs a bit earlier, saying something about a much needed rest. It was late. Freddie and Emily was playing a video game, and was just finishing up.
"Let me know if you need anything, ok?" Freddie said, turning off the game.
"Yeah, thanks." I was lying on the guest bed, now watching some shit documentary about people eating in their sleep instead of Emily kicking Freddies arse in some violent and rough fighting game.
They both said their good night's and left.
I didn't want to think about this day. I just wanted it to be over. Even though I ended up having a really nice time with them all, the dull feeling was still there, itching inside.
After more than an hour, the documentary was finally coming to an end. I heard the door open, and turned my head up to see who it was. It was pretty dark, the only source of light coming from the television. I wasn't scared, assuming it's probably Freddie not being able to fall asleep.
I turn my head back to the screen as I hear foot steps coming down and from the way that the dreary feeling that was swallowing me whole mere seconds ago just disappeared, like someone flicked a button inside me, I instantly felt nervous. I knew it was Emily as soon as she started walking down the staircase.
Her steps are so light, so feathery light.
"Hey.. you awake?" She asks with a raspy voice.
I move into the bed lifting me up by leaning on my elbow, making room for her to sit on. She plops herself down and looks at the telly.
I just want her to stay there forever. I want to freeze this moment in time, and just admire her, not needing to worry about anyone noticing. Just, watching her. Taking her all in.
"I never thanked you for saving Snowball."
I laugh.
"It's okay. It was nothing." I say. A small wave in the air, saying that it was really nothing.
"It wasn't nothing for me. I went through my old diaries the other day. It was hilarious." She said, chuckling a bit.
"Anyway. I went upstairs and read about that day at the lake. I was so ecstatic that Snowball survived. And then I had written that I really wanted to just hug you for doing what you did. The water was fucking freezing!"
I just smile. She was seven years old. The cutest seven-year-old I'd ever seen.
"And as I said, I never really thanked you properly. So, sit up, slacky. You're getting a hug."
I can't remember ever being hugged by Emily. It wasn't that we couldn't, it wasn't a thing we did. I didn't hug Katie that much either. Freddie and I hugged sometimes, but I wasn't that much of a hugger. I don't know. We just didn't.
Her arms are open, lifted to the side, waiting for me to embrace her. I tentatively reach forward, my heartbeat increasing the closer I get to the raspberry that coats her.
She's softer than I ever imagined. Her oversized tank top hangs loosely from her shoulders, providing me with more skin than I thought it would. Just Emily's skin under my hands. She's warm and she feels like a gentle summer night. Soft and spotless. Heavenly. I instantly change my mind. This is the moment in time that I want to freeze. With Emily in my arms.
When we parted, I wanted nothing more than her to stay. She made everything else go away. The aching, the sorrow, the memories. She put my mind at ease. And everything I needed in this moment was just that. Her calmness.
"Stay. It's boring down here for someone like me." I couldn't control it.
"Since I can't fall asleep." I wanted her to stay, there was no power left in me that could've fought that battle and won. I had no control whatsoever right now. I couldn't resist it any more. I just, needed her.
"There's plenty of room. Here." I lifted the covers up. No idea what had gotten into me. She looks just as surprised as I certainly was, hesitating a bit, asking me,
"Are you sure?"
All that is Naomi Campbell, every fiber of my being is begging her to stay. Begging her to stay because this might be the only chance I'll ever take to actually move forward with this. To try to reach her. Try to let her know that I'd die without her. When all the walls are down, when the what to do's and what not to do's are in the shadows, resting for the night, chances like this arrives. This is it. I'll never dare to do it another time. Another night.
"I'm sure."
She looks down on the empty spot underneath her, and glances back up to me. She slips her legs under the covers and lays her head down on the pillow, her eyes never leaving mine. And she shuffles towards me, just a bit. But it's a bit enough for me to feel her naked legs delicately touch mine. A shiver running through my whole body. Stomach dropping in an instant. Irregular heartbeats and sweaty hands. Just like that. If I would die at this exact moment, I would be happier than some people ever get to be in a whole lifetime. If I would die right now, It would be worth it. I'd never look back.
"Okay, then I'm staying." A whisper.