Reflection 3.01

"The deepest personal defeat suffered by human beings is constituted by
the difference between what one was capable of becoming
and what one has in fact become." —Ashley Montagu

Emptiness.

Nothing to see but an infinite black void. Nothing to hear but an echoing silence. Nothing to touch but... well, there was nothing to touch.

"Hello?" My voice had an echoing-quality, as if I were in the middle of a wide-open room with nothing around me but distant walls. I didn't hear it, per se, but I could feel it—as if it were ripples in the air that I could perceive. It wasn't quite sight, it wasn't quite sound, but it was there.

"Hey there, Big Brother." A familiar voice sounded out from behind me, trailing off into an odd tone towards the end of the greeting.

I didn't spin around, because doing that would imply that I had a body to rotate. Whatever I did, my perspective seemed to flip and I saw Jamie. Well, I didn't see her, see her, but I—well, let's just say that she was there and I acknowledged that fact.

It still didn't hurt to make sure. "Jamie?"

I had the impression of her rolling her eyes at me. "Yes. Who else would you find here?"

"I don't know. It depends on where 'here' is."

"The Darkness."

The Darkness. Before Jamie had recovered from her coma, she had been more or less trapped within her body whenever we were in her world. The absolute sensory deprivation had been a huge contrast to the freedom she had enjoyed as a ghost, so much that she had loathed the time when it came for me to turn in for the nights.

"'...and if it had been me in her place, I would have been driven stark, raving mad'," Jamie recited. She paused briefly, as if assessing me. "That is what you were about to say in your inner monologue, right?"

"Is that what this is about?" I asked. "That you're—oh Jamie, I am so sorry..."

"Oh hush," she growled. "I'm not insane. I'm made of tougher stuff than that. I'm perfectly fine—if anything, I'm better than fine."

"...which is exactly what a mentally disturbed person would be saying, in your place," I pointed out.

"My point is," she said, ignoring my comment, "is that all problems can be overcome. So you shouldn't be worrying about me."

"What is it that I should be worrying about, then?"

Her presence paused briefly, as if she was considering her next words. "I lost everything, you know," she finally said.

"What?" I blinked at the sudden change in topic.

"I was in a coma for over a dozen years, James. I lost my freedom. I lost the ability to do whatever I'd wanted, whenever I wanted. I lost my friends, my schooling, my life."

"Well, actually about your education, that's why I tried to keep you listening in on my classes—"

"Shut it. That's really the least of my problems, I'm just trying to be comprehensive. Anyhow... I lost my parents and I've lost the ability to walk. But you know what? It's okay."

"No, it's not okay," I said. "It's not right, and you shouldn't have had to suffer like this, I get that. I'm trying to help you!"

"I don't need your help! That's what I'm trying to tell you. I can manage, honest! It's like how they talk about people who've become blind. They say some of their other senses get stronger, or they at least learn to focus them a bit more to make up for their missing senses."

I had nothing to say to that, not in the face of Jamie's casual tone. She didn't sound bitter, or even upset. That by itself sent shivers down my spine.

"I've spent a long time thinking about this," she said. "Ever since I became aware of just what was really going on. It's like they say, I'm just... differently-abled. We're both remarkably similar in most aspects, but like two different sides of a coin. You can walk, run, and fight—let's say you're more physically capable than I am. By the same token, I have better control over our powers, better awareness—I appear to be stronger mentally."

"What?"

"Think about it, when's the last time you were able to read anything from me that I didn't want you to?" I felt a flicker of amusement from her, but given what she had just said I had trouble taking it at face value. "On the flip side, when I say that I can read you like an open book, I don't mean that you're incapable of dissembling—although to be honest, you really are bad at that. But I can read you.

"I've spent the last twelve years living inside your head, James. While you had to split your attention between your normal life and dealing with me, all of my time was spent dealing with you. It was my job to see the things you kept missing, so you never really managed to identify your blind spots and fix them up. Every night, I was locked in here, in the Darkness, and I spent every moment looking for a way out of it. Any skill needs to be exercised and practised in order to become useful, I've just been practising using my head a bit more than you have."

"I... I don't understand," I said. Oh, I understood the 'brains versus brawn' argument, that was an obvious point in hindsight and might have even explained how her mind's control over her legs had atrophied. It had rewired itself to meet the demand her activities had imposed in her spectral form, dropping the 'unused' pathways that she never got to utilise in her physical body. But as to the rest of it...

Jamie sighed. "You don't understand, James. You never have. What I'm saying is, I don't need you to baby me or even take care of me. I'm as fully capable as you are of living my own life. But you... for as long as we've been together, you've kept me in the dark." Her presence flared briefly, as in taking the whole of the Darkness around us. "Literally. I had to force my way out just to regain some sensation during my nights. Because you blocked me. Because you wanted to protect me."

"Okay, I get it," I said. "I'll try—I won't try to keep you out of the loop anymore. But you must understand, Jamie, I was only trying to do what was best for you. It's only natural. After all, I'm your big broth—"

"Why are you my Big Brother?" she demanded. "We're counterparts—twins if you will. Are you the older one because we were in your world first? Does that make me the Big Sister when you're in mine, then?"

Her presence flared again, then dimmed rapidly as if she were slightly exhausted from her ranting. "I want us to be on the same page too, James, to be on equal footing with each other. I don't want either of us to hold an advantage over the other."

"Sounds like a plan," I agreed.

"So, I had an idea," an odd lilt crept into her voice and I shivered involuntarily. "I've had to learn and flex my mental muscles by figuring out how my mind worked and how to bypass your blocks. You wanted to know where we were, James?"

"...yeah?"

"Well, we're still in the Darkness, that hasn't changed. But more to the point, we are in your world. In your body, actually. I've just put in a few mental blocks of my own into your head so you can't wake up on your own."

"Wait, what?" I began giving myself the command to wake up, WAKE UP! As before, when I had been trying to duplicate Jamie's feat of crossing over between her bodies, I had no clue as to what I was doing. "Jamie! This isn't funny!"

"It's not supposed to be." She actually sounded regretful, but again, without knowing what she was really thinking or feeling, I couldn't take it at face value. I felt utterly betrayed by her actions. I felt like my trust in her had been for naught.

"Don't be like that," she whispered. "This it to help you. It's going to make you stronger, in the long run."

"Jamie," I said, horrified. "I've no idea what you're trying to do, but—"

"No, you don't understand," she said sadly. "But I'll make you understand... and once you do, we can be equals again. We'll be brother and sister again, if you still want us to. But here, I'll do what you didn't—I'll give you a little hint."

Without any other warning, I felt as if a hole had been ripped open within the fabric of my being. Even as I reeled from the sudden pain, a brightness flared into existence far out in the distance, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

"Even as close as we are, my mind still works a bit differently than yours does," Jamie said conversationally. "So I had to guess how this would work for you, I hope it wasn't too unpleasant." She 'waved' towards the distant light. "If you can figure out a way through that gap on your own, you should be able to wake yourself up again. I'd suggest you try to figure out what I did and make it work for you so it's not as uncomfortable in the future."

I gasped, partially from the remnants of the pain, mostly from the dismay I was currently feeling. "Jamie... why are you doing this?"

"Like I said, I wanted us to be on equal footing. Don't worry if it takes you a bit. I'm not cruel, I'm okay with giving some tips either here or when you're visiting me and Karen. But. You have to be putting in your best efforts to improve on your own. I'm not going to help you if you aren't even trying."

"How long is 'a bit'?"

She was silent for several moments. "I spent over ten years as your puppet, James. As I've mentioned already, I think it's only fair we share all of our experiences."

Having made her pronouncement, I felt her presence retreating from my mind. And I was left alone.

...

The moment Jamie disappeared, I'd reflexively reached out to the link to search for her. But, like so many times in the past few days, I drew a blank. Either she was hiding herself even here in my world, which meant her mental strength was way beyond what I had imagined, or she had jumped back to hers.

Her world. Karen. Bits and pieces of yesterday afternoon floated towards the forefront of my consciousness. Events seemed to rush by in a blur, none of it made any sense to me whatsoever. People shouting, objects flying everywhere, scenery rushing by at incredible speeds. I had the feeling that everything would make sense if I could reach just a bit further, but whatever the distance I was unable to cross it.

I felt torn. Part of me wanted to immediately jump on the possibility of escape. Being trapped in my own body did not seem to be my idea of fun—I'd already seen its effects on Jamie and I had no wish to go through my own version of 'sanity'. At the same time, I wanted to try to rush back to Jamie's world and find out if Sunny's sister was okay.

Well, if what Jamie had implied was true, then accomplishing the former should bring me closer to the latter. The question was figuring out how I should go about that. Jamie had given me a way out—literally—but knowing it was there and managing to 'get' over there was two different things.

I didn't have Jamie's apparent talent for navigating other people's psyches. I wasn't sure if 'breaking through' was a purely mental affair or if I had to apply my powers somehow. If I were completely honest with myself, I'd be questioning just how truthful Jamie had been with me. She was clearly unhinged to some degree, but how much I couldn't say.

One thing she had been right about, however, was the fact that our minds worked differently. I still had no clue on how to approach the exit, but I could see her 'imprint' against the backdrop of my own mind. It was subtle, but noticeably distinct from my own thought patterns.

Just as I began to inspect it in detail, the mental impression I had identified as Jamie's seemed to swell slightly, then it abruptly evaporated into misty, ethereal traces that soon vanished.

I felt a thrill at first, thinking that I had beaten her little block, but then I realised that it couldn't possibly be that simple, or else she would never have been stuck for as long as she was in the first place. Then I felt a shred of horror, a sudden suspicion that she had never intended for me to wake up and had given me this false opening simply to toy with me.

My thinking was sidetracked, however, when the opening seemed to grow in size and brilliance, and I was swallowed in it's light. I had another brief moment of panic—about what, I couldn't say—and then I found myself back in the real world being roughly shaken awake by a firm hand.

"—up, you lazy son! Get up! You sleep all day and now you expect me to allow you to sleep all night too?"

I reflexively batted away my mum's hand, even as she got in a few extra slaps against my cheek. She switched to throwing my comforter away from the bed, a move my mind didn't protest, even as my body grumbled and groaned its disapproval.

"A customer is asking for you," she said as picked up a few stray articles of clothing and tossed them into the laundry basket. "Clean up and get downstairs, as soon as you can."

I blinked in surprise and not a little bit of confusion even as she exited my room. I patted my body down, then pinched myself to make sure I wasn't hallucinating or dreaming. Finally I glanced around, sweeping the room in an attempt to locate Jamie. I couldn't feel her presence anywhere, but neither could I spot her avatar.

Well, I thought, she did say I just wouldn't be able to wake up 'on my own'...

ooo

A few minutes later, having ran my head under the sink to wash up and throwing on some clean clothes, I stepped downstairs into the restaurant. The dinner rush had already passed so it was sparsely occupied, so I had no problem noticing a figure sitting off to the side, nearly half a room away from the next closest customers. He had pushed a chair away from a table in the corner in order to make room for his wheelchair.

He looked up as I approached, gave me a curt nod, then lifted the ceramic cup he'd been nursing in his hands and downed the contents in one gulp. He wore a displeased expression as he lowered the cup back to the table. "What kind of tea is this?" he complained. "I'd like to complain to the manager."

"It's green tea, Pete," I said as I slid into the chair opposite him. "And you shouldn't insult it. My mum brewed that."

"She can't brew up any proper drinks around here?" Pete countered. His hand tapped the plastic menu that lay on the table beside his cup. "And what's with this stuff? It's all seafood."

I rolled my eyes. "You didn't come here to badmouth my pop's restaurant, Pete. I'm fairly certain you got it all out of your system the last time you were here."

"True," he admitted. He reached for the steel pitcher in the middle of the table and poured himself another cup. "I'm actually here to spy on you."

"Spy on me," I repeated blankly.

"Yep. I'm being all sneaky about it. Speaking of which, where is that little sneak of yours?"

I paused, casting my senses out again in a vain attempt to locate Jamie. "She's... not around right now. We're actually having a bit of a fallout at the moment, to be honest."

"Oh?" Pete wrapped his hands around the steaming mug, waiting for it to cool slightly before he drank any more. "What's going on with that?"

"You really missed your calling, Pete. You're too good at this. I'd never even have guessed you were trying to shake me down for information."

"You're dodging the question."

I ran a hand through my hair in exasperation. On one hand, I really didn't want to indulge Pete, even if he was obviously making a half-hearted effort at this. Flurry must have put him up to it. She'd seemed worried about me the last time I'd seen her.

Yet at the same time, I really did need help. The problem was how I could obtain that assistance without fully explaining myself. I considered Flurry and Volley to be allies, possibly even friends, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to trust them with something this big.

But if not them, who else could I go to for help? My parents? The news about Jamie would crush them. And then they'd probably rip me a new one for letting it get so bad. On the other hand, they'd probably be willing to hide it so as to avoid troubles with the authorities...

"Hello, Earth to James." Pete had leaned forward and was snapping his fingers just in front of my nose. He leaned back as I started and shook my head. "What's going on in there? Having an argument with her? Tell her to get down here, we haven't traded greetings yet. I promise not to bite."

I shook my head. "It's not that... look, Pete, try not to take this the wrong way. But... I might need you to keep an eye on me when I'm asleep, at least for the next few days."

Pete immediately wheeled his chair away from the table. "Whoa. No. I don't know what brought this on but I can assure you—"

"Then get Elaine to do it," I said impatiently. "This is important, it's serious, and I already figure you're talking to her about me behind my back."

"Look, James, it's not like that." Pete held up his hands in protest, then paused and tilted his head. He nodded, "Okay, it is like that but it was mostly her idea. She's just worried about how you're holding up now that you're on your own. She's just being mothering, it's no big deal."

I shook my head. "It's just... " I felt my shoulders slump as I made my decision. "Look, it's kind of difficult to explain, but I really need your help. Both of you. Do you think we can meet up with Elaine tonight?"

Pete arched an eyebrow, but he reached into the breast pocket of his shirt and pulled out his phone. He tapped out a quick text, drinking his tea and wincing as he did so. Barely a minute later his phone vibrated in receipt of a message and he briefly glanced at it before pocketing it again. He shrugged. "She says she can meet us nearby. She gave me directions to a neighborhood not too far from here."

"Fair enough," I said, rising from my chair and waiting politely as he pushed his wheelchair back and manoeuvred it around the table. "Let me just grab my coat."

ooo

We were walking for only a few minutes when Pete suddenly spoke up. "Did you get a pet, or something?"

I didn't break my stride as I looked down at him quizzically. "What?"

Pete had placed a pair of glasses—almost like a visor—over his eyes that glowed faintly in the streetlights. He looked at me from one corner. "Motion tracker," he explained. "Hooked into a sensor in my chair. Low-key enough for most people to miss it. Looks like a cat is following us."

I rolled my eyes. "You're just paranoid," I complained, even as I reflexively reached out again for Jamie's viewpoint to augment my own. Force of habit. I sighed in frustration as nothing came through. "So, where is it?" I asked as I stopped in place and spun on my heel.

*mew*

I blinked as tiny kitten walked up to my legs, bold as brass, and stared up expectantly at me. "Eh?"

Pete hummed. "Cute kitty," he remarked. "It seems to know you."

I dropped into a crouch, looking it over with a critical eye. It did seem rather familiar... "Oh. I remember now. Jamie had found a box of abandoned kittens whilst we were on patrol a ways back. I guess this one survived." I couldn't help but reach out and run the back of my hand against its head briefly. The motion felt oddly familiar and the kitten accepted the petting with a pleased purring. "It does seem to recognise me, if it followed me this far. It's funny, I don't recall seeing it at all after that one night."

"Well, send it home or bring it along. We haven't got all night," Pete reminded me.

"Um, sure." I reached out with my hand again, this time laying it against the ground, palm up, in invitation for the kitten to climb on. It stepped onto my hand and I reached out with my other to pick it up and hold it against my side. It burrowed itself into the crook of my arm and resumed purring.

I could feel a rather silly grin growing on my face—Jamie wasn't the only one who had a weakness for cute things, especially when they were literally in my face. The thought of her, however, reminded me of my dilemma and I quickly schooled my expression as I turned forward once more.

Pete decided to forgo any wisecracks as we continued towards Elaine's rendezvous point. I found myself unsurprised to find that it wasn't terribly far from Sunny's house in Jamie's world. It was far enough away from the other houses down the row to have a reasonably private conversation and there were trees and bushes enough to hide us from casual scrutiny.

Elaine was waiting for us as we arrived. She didn't appear at all bothered by the late hour or the sudden summons, although she did arch an eyebrow when she noticed the extra member of our entourage.

"James," she said by way of greeting. "Peter told me you wished to speak with the two of us. He implied that you had something of a situation that you were unable to handle on your own."

I threw a glance at Pete. "You type fast," I commented.

He shrugged and simply slouched in his wheelchair.

I looked back at Flurry—it was hard to think of her by her civilian name—and braced myself. This wasn't just a personal matter. It was a problem that had spilled over to include innocents. It was time to put my personal feelings to the side and start thinking as a professional hero would. "It's... about Jamie," I admitted. "I haven't quite told you everything about her, or my power... and now some of it is coming back to bite me in the arse."

"Go on."

"Well, I guess I should start off by saying that Jamie, in some ways, is me."

Flurry and Volley traded glances, then Volley fished a small coin out of his pocket and flipped it towards her.

"—Except she's not me."

Flurry threw the coin back.

"I sort of... called her from a parallel world. Jamie is the me from another world, with her own life..." I sighed, "and she may have gone... slightly bonkers."

Flurry and Volley traded another glance, then both turned to stare at me. Flurry, for once, seemed to be at a complete loss for words.

After several seconds of silence, Volley cleared his throat with a brief cough. "I think we're going to need to sit down for this."

"You are already sitting," Flurry commented.

"I need a beer."

ooo

(a/n)—i kept starting and restarting this chapter, trying to find a good way to continue from where i left off. i have a rough outline of certain events that will be happening, but the devil is in the details. blarrrrgh.

here's to hoping this way works!

read and review, please! :D