I'm putting up a few chapters so you guys have something to munch on :D Enjoy!
Ch2
Everyone was looking at me weird today. It made me feel like I was fifty miles away from everyone, even when they were only a few inches away from me. Their stares make me feel so strange. I don't know what feeling it is. But it makes me sad.
Even everyone at lunch was avoiding me today. No one talked to me. Not even Rin. She just took a sidelong glance at me, her eyes looking less bright than usual, and turned back to talk to Miku. I don't think she cares about me anymore. If she ever did.
~.~.~.~
Today my math teacher said another interesting thing. He said that you can't prove you exist to other people, and that only you know you exist. But I think I'm the opposite of that too. I know that other people exist, but I don't think I exist. I wish I could prove I do, but I have this feeling that one day I'll fall over and scrape my knee, and all the binary numbers will leak out of me, and I'll be vaporized into the air and never seen again.
I almost feel like I'd rather have it that way, though. Everyone is still looking at me and avoiding me. I wish they would stop… I feel almost as lonely as I was when the Doctor left me alone last weekend. Maybe even more lonely. It's like everyone is gone, but they're right there. And I can't reach them.
~.~.~.~
Something exciting happened today. It's Saturday, so I was sitting at home on my bed, but then Rin came and visited me! I was so surprised, but so happy. I thought she would never talk to me again. This time, she came in, too, and I made sure to hide her from the Doctor in case he got mad. No one but he and I have ever been inside my house, so I was scared he would make me disappear if I made him mad.
So Rin and I hid in a storage room, and we just talked. Rin kept telling me sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry. I think she was apologizing because she thought it was weird that I lived in a laboratory and told everyone. She said she didn't know how to talk to me afterwards, because she felt bad. So that's why she didn't talk to me. It made me feel better that she came to tell me that today, instead of waiting. But I was still a little sad that she thought it was weird that I live here. Does she still think that?
I was going to ask her but then I heard footsteps. She heard it too, and we both got scared. He somehow knew where we were and opened the door. I was terrified of what he'd do. I hoped he would at least let Rin free, without running experiments or tests or anything bad on her. Sometimes they hurt, too. I didn't want her to hurt because of me.
To our surprise, though, he just stood in the doorway, staring at us huddled together in the corner of the room. He stepped in and crouched in front of us, him gazing directly into Rin's eyes. He started muttering to himself, how could this be, how is this possible, it can't be. Then he asked her what her name was. She told him Rin Ka—and he stopped her. He put his hand on her mouth. I wanted to know what her last name was. But I thought it was really cool that both our last names started with Ka.
He whispered to her, don't say it out loud here, he can't know, come with me, and he stood her up. She looked scared. I was scared too. I don't think I was supposed to hear him whisper that, but I did. I wanted to know why I couldn't hear Rin's last name. Maybe it's an old curse, I thought, like in those old stories from a long time ago with ghosts and stuff.
He looked at me sternly and frowned. Len, he said, go to your room, and go to sleep, and if you come out, you know what will happen. I nodded and left the storage room, looking at Rin as I left. I mouthed her a sorry, and she smiled at me a little as I walked down the hallway. They were going the other way. But what confused me was, they weren't going towards the front door.
When I got to my room, I didn't want to sleep, but since I was lying on my bed, all my thoughts of Rin put me to sleep. I just hope she escaped my house okay.
~.~.~.~
I feel like I missed a day. I think I slept all day Sunday, not waking up after I went to my room until it was time to go to school today. I've never slept that long in my life.
I was so happy to see Rin at school today. I was going to ask her if she was okay, but she asked me first. I asked her why she wanted to know if I was okay, since I just was sent to bed, but she didn't say anything. But I didn't get a chance to ask her if she was okay. Her eyes looked dull again. I think she was thinking about something bad about me again. She didn't sit close to me, and she didn't put her arm around me.
I asked her if something's wrong, but she said it's nothing and got up from the lunch table to take a walk around campus. I wanted to go, too, to keep her company, but Kaito beat me to it. Luka said that Kaito likes her, but she doesn't know.
I don't understand what Luka meant by saying Kaito likes her. I like her too. I like everyone else, too. I think all of us like each other. Everyone else doesn't treat me as strange any more, so I feel welcome again. But I still want to know why Kaito liking Rin is different from me liking Rin. I like her too, don't I?
~.~.~.~
Today Rin acted normal again. She and Kaito seemed a lot closer. She sat next to him instead of me. I felt sad. I don't know why she's so different and distant from me all of a sudden. I think the Doctor did something to keep her away from me. Maybe he knows something that I don't.
When I think about the way the Doctor speaks compared to Rin or Kaito or Luka or anyone else, the Doctor sounds different. I think maybe, I think that he's been lying to me, every day since I was born. He said high school is bad, but it's not. So he must have been lying about everything else he said too. I think he's been filling me with two years of lies.
~.~.~.~
Today Miku and Luka were talking about babies. I guess they have a class together about families and babies, and they have to carry babies around. I asked them where babies come from, and the whole table went silent. I asked them where the stork gets the babies he carries to people. So I asked where babies come from again. Everyone looked at me with weird looks, and went back to talking. But I still want to know where the stork finds his babies.
~.~.~.~
Today Kaito and Rin sat together at lunch again, but this time Kaito had his hand around Rin. Luka said that they're going out now. I wonder where they're going? I want to go, too. I think it'd be fun, for everyone to go somewhere together.
~.~.~.~
Kaito says that going out means girlfriend and boyfriend. He blushed. So maybe going out with someone means them making your face turn red? I don't know. I like Kaito though. He's very shy, but he tells me things when I ask him. Lots of other people just ignore me.
If me and Luka and Rin and Miku and Kaito and Gakupo and Meiko all went out together, would we all blush? I don't understand. They talk about going out together and having a party. They say I'm invited, too. But I don't want to blush. I think I look strange enough without a bright red face.
~.~.~.~
I've been thinking less and less about not existing. Maybe because, lately, I feel like I do exist, even if I don't. I do things every day, like real people, even if I'm not real and the things we do aren't the same.
I started to wonder, though. If I'm not real, why am I solid? Why am I not see-through or invisible? Maybe I really do exist, but just on a different level than the real people. That makes me feel excited. Maybe if I step out into the rain, I won't short circuit, maybe I'll get wet like the real people. Maybe my hair will stick to my face and my clothes stick to my body. Maybe I'll dance in the rain like real people on TV.
~.~.~.~
The Doctor said today that I was progressing. Progressing at what, I wonder? He's so crazy. I don't understand him at all. I think he is keeping a lot of things from me. I want to ask him why our beds are different. When I asked Kaito what most beds are like, he told me that they're soft and fluffy and warm. But my bed isn't, and I went to ask the Doctor why. He said that he lied to protect me. He said that I'm very special.
But I feel like he didn't mean that I'm special because of something good. I think he meant that there's something wrong with me. But, I guess I already knew that. I think that the Doctor knows, too, that I don't really exist. Maybe that's what he told Rin. Maybe he told her that I don't exist, and now she doesn't want to be my friend.
Wait… friend?
Is Rin my friend?
Is everyone at lunch my friend?
I still don't understand what a friend is, but I guess that Rin and Kaito and Luka and Meiko and Miku and Gakupo are my friends. Well, maybe not Rin. I don't think Rin is my friend any more. She won't talk to me at all anymore.
~.~.~.~
Today in my English class, we read a story about a robot. It didn't have any feelings, and it was like a living calculator. It was smart. And it was strong and good at sports. But then one day, it got wet, and it died. The people who were friends with it were sad and cried.
I guess that I'm not a robot, because I'm slow and weak, and I still have feelings. And I'm terrible at math, I don't understand it at all. But I wonder if I would die like the robot if I went out into the rain.
Maybe I can rule out my theory of circuits and wires under my skin. That would make me a robot, right? I don't think I'm a robot.
~.~.~.~
Someone in PE asked me today why I don't sweat. I don't know why I don't sweat. I don't drink water, so I guess I don't sweat. I guess I don't sweat because I'm not real.
Or maybe it's because I'm special, like the Doctor says. That's the answer he always gives me now. I asked him why I don't need to take showers, and he said it's because you're special, Len, that's all.
I think I'm glad I don't have to take showers, though. It sounds scary, like forced rain. I wouldn't want to disappear inside of a shower.
~.~.~.~
Today Rin talked to me again. She asked me if I had a pencil she could borrow. It made me happy that she talked to me, but after that she didn't say anything else. I wonder if it still bothers her that I'm not real. I wish the Doctor hadn't told her anything. Maybe then, Rin and I could still sit next to each other at lunch, laughing and smiling and hugging each other like nothing was wrong with me.
~.~.~.~
Today something scared me so much. I was sitting at lunch and suddenly couldn't breathe any more. I wasn't even eating anything, I was just sitting there and stopped breathing. I felt like exploding, and I was so scared, and I think I fell off the bench. I think I remember hearing Rin scream too. I don't know what happened. I don't remember anything after that, except waking up in my room and the Doctor hovering over me. Then he mumbled shit he's up, and something poked me and then I fell back asleep. I don't remember anything.
~.~.~.~
When I woke up this morning, my room was empty. I felt fine, so I started getting ready for school. But the Doctor stopped me. He stood in front of the door and told me I couldn't go. I got mad and tried to punch his stomach, but I guess I'm too weak. I never was that strong anyway.
But the Doctor laughed at me and said you're not going anywhere, Len. You're staying here today, and all the days after. And I asked him why, but he just said it's because I'm special. Again. I got furious, though, because I don't want to stay home. I want to see Rin, and Kaito, and… and my… friends.
~.~.~.~
I feel like I'm that robot that we read about in English class. I don't feel anything at all anymore. I don't feel angry, or sad, or anything. I don't feel anything. It feels so weird. I don't know how I can say it feels weird when I can't feel anything at all, but.. but I don't know. I don't feel like anything.
I feel like I'm dead inside.
The Doctor won't tell me anything, either. He tells me that he has to do a lot of research and experiments on me now. Normally I would feel scared but, but I don't feel anything now. I guess because I've lost my freedom. I'm like a bird in a cage now, and the Doctor's going to run his tests as much as he wants. I just don't care anymore. I could disappear into thin air like I'm always waiting for, and wouldn't have a thought left in this world.
~.~.~.~
Today the Doctor made me do something that he's never made me do before. He told me Len get inside that test tube, or you'll never go outside this laboratory ever again. It made my feelings come back, somehow. I was so happy that maybe I could go back to school if I did what he said.
But I'm scared. It's so big, and I'm scared he'll close the door after I step inside. What if I never come out? What if he's lying to me like all the other times? What if he just told me I could go back to school just so I'd go inside? I don't know anymore. He didn't even give me a chance to think, because I think he knows I was going to tell him no. So he put his cold hand on my back and shoved me in.
I'm so scared. I'm so scared. I don't even care that I hit my face on the cold glass inside of this thing. I don't care, I just want to get out. But he closed the door and now I can't get out. I start to cry and scream to the Doctor, let me out, let me out, please, please Doctor, let me out, but I see him smile and press a button. Water starts to fill the bottom, rushing around my feet. I start shaking my head, no, no, I'm so scared, Doctor, let me out! But the water just keeps coming, coming, and I shiver, ready to die or short circuit, or explode, or disappear, but it just keeps coming, and it finally goes over my head and I cough and everything just...
~.~.~.~
"Len, listen closely to what I'm saying. You are an imperfect being. Unlike your sister, you have malfunctioned. Your problems, so to speak, have been progressing at an overwhelming rate. I have been monitoring your physical deterioration each night ever since the day you were created.
"Although your sister and the models before her were created successfully, the program erred when you were being created. I was able to fix the program after you had been created, yet was unable to repair you.
"Your sister as well as the other models are all one hundred percent human, out in the world and living as we speak. However, Len, you are not. You are neither human nor machine. I am still trying to figure out what to call you. You do not age, you do not mature – you do not do many of the things required of a human. I had to install mechanical units into you in order to keep you alive. I've also installed devices to make you eat and sleep – as well as 'relieve yourself'. While most humans 'pee', you simply excrete mechanical waste. You do not drink things because I have programmed into your subconscious that drinking will kill you. It will. If water gets into your system, you will die. It can't be said whether water you drink will be absorbed into your body or simply discharged. That is why you cannot drink, for chance of death.
"Your body, although some parts do possess blood, is mostly made of a substance I have named Lenkamate. It is comprised of Oxygen and Carbon, as well as another substance I cannot identify.
"I will tell you more in time. I will now restore your mental process, so you can think to yourself and process all I have told you. However, your physical system is still offline. I still need to run more tests, and if you start breathing in the test tube the water surrounding your body will either drown or short circuit you. Restoring mental processes… now."
~.~.~.~
He lied to me, he lied, what has he done to me, what am I, why did he make me, where have I come from and where am I supposed to go? I want to see, I want to see, I want to move, let me out, please, let me scream out to you, tell you how scared I am and Doctor, why did you do this? Why didn't you let me die and try again? Why Doctor? Why won't you let me disappear or break down or shortcircuit or whatever, Doctor? Why am I stuck here, Doctor? What are you going to do with me? Who is my sister, where is she, why amn't I human too, Doctor, why did the program error with only me, why don't I mature, why can't you figure this all out, why won't you let me out, Doctor? Why did you make me, Doctor, why didn't you not make me and make everyone else, why was I born, what is the meaning of my life, Doctor, what's the meaning of my birth, why am I here, for what reason, Doctor, why didn't you just kill me when you knew there was something wrong with me? I want you to let me out, Doctor, even if I'm imperfect I still want to see, I want to be let out, I want to be free, I want to live with everyone else like I have been, Doctor, please won't you let me out?
Please hurry and finish your tests, Doctor, I want to see the sun shining in the windows and the dandelions on the sidewalk and the birds in the sky and all the people at school, Doctor, I don't like seeing black, I don't like not being able to move, please Doctor, please, please, please let me out!
~.~.~.~
"I'm sorry, Len, I had to shut down your mental process for today. You were thinking too much. Your strong mind started to activate your body's processes. Communicating directly to your brain like this just instigates more questions within you, it seems.
"You naturally ask so many questions, Len, because you lack understanding. You cannot grasp the living world because you are not truly alive. You have the mind of a two-year-old, instead of a maturing fourteen-year-old's brain. You have the capacity for the same intelligence, but lack it currently.
"Sometimes I wonder what else goes on in that brain of yours. You are truly fascinating, Len, which is why I—someone's coming..!"
"Len, can you hear me Len? Len, are you alive? Are you okay Len? Does this connect to your mind, Len? I—"
"He can hear you, that is a microphone that connects to his brain directly. But his mental and physical processes are deactivated right now. Don't even try, Rin. It's hopeless, your brother model is a complete failure. He simply cannot continue living in the world you and the other models do."
"I don't care! Get him out of there, now!"
"I can't. He is undergoing a vital test, and if he—"
"No! No! Len, you want out, right, right? I'm sorry for avoiding you! I just couldn't believe that we're—we—forget about that now, Len, I'm getting you out! I'm trying this button!"
"Don't, that one's his me—"
Where am I? Rin? Rin? Rin? Did you come to save me? Rin, Rin, please please please let me out, the Doctor's gone mad, he really knows I'm not alive, he knows so much about me, and I don't know anything, and I'm scared, I'm scared, please let me out, I want to see you, I want to live, I want to live with you and everyone else in the world, I don't care if I'm doing to die, I don't, I don't, I just want to come out, please, please let me out please! I—
"Are you mad?! His mental process will activate his body's physical processes, and he'll just end up killing himself!"
"….I-I…"
"Leave. You are human, you're alive. You have no need to return to this laboratory, the place of your birth. Children do not return to the place they are born. I have tests to run on him. Do not come back."
"B-but—"
"Leave."
"…"
"I'm sorry, Len, I just had an unwanted visitor. I am beginning to regret telling her that you are her brother. Forgive me, I did not intend for all this to happen. I just wanted her to be better off, by avoiding you, an imperfect creation. Dear god, I don't know what I have done. I have to rethink everything I've been doing. God, I don't know what I should do any more. If I ever reactivate you, Len, I'd hope you would forgive me."
~.~.~.~