Ch3
Where am I? Where did Rin go? What happened, what's going on? I thought the Doctor said he wouldn't – now the Doctor tells me Len, I've decided to give you one more shot, so don't do anything stupid. I don't think I did anything wrong, I hope I didn't, all I remember doing was passing out because I couldn't breathe and then losing my feelings and then now I'm here.
But I don't feel anything. I don't feel. I don't feel any more. I still can't see or move. But I don't feel scared or panicked or lonely or sad. What happened to me? What did he do? What did the Doctor do to me?
He tells me not to worry, because he found a way to shut off my emotions so I wouldn't get worked up and kill myself. So I guess he still hasn't let me out.
I want him to let me out. I hope Rin comes back to let me out. I don't think the Doctor will let me out.
The Doctor says that someone special is here to see me. But I don't know how they can see me if I'm inside of a test tube. Well, I guess they can see me. I just can't see them.
The Doctor keeps telling me that he's going to have to tell me something important so he'll have to turn off my mental processes again. I hate him for doing this to me. I don't think I'm a light switch to be turned on and off. I'm not a robot. I'm a person. I'm a person, I want to be a person. Not an electrical appliance…
"Sorry Len, but listen here. I'm going to drain the test tube now. After you are out, I need you to lay low for a while and keep quiet. Your special visitor is waiting in your room, so go there first. Deactivation of test tube functions commencing… restoring emotions, mental processes, and physical movement…. Now."
H-huh? He's letting me free? I can get out? I'm free? I squeezed my eyes and opened them, eager to see. Water still gurgled at my feet, but I didn't even care. The door to the tube opened, and fresh air burst in, making my skin tingle. It was cold. But it felt so nice… felt so nice. Freedom feels so nice.
I coughed and sputtered and fell on my knees as soon as I stepped out. The tile was cold and hard and it didn't feel much like freedom. But I looked up and looked around the room, glad that it still looked the same as it did when he shoved me in there. It wasn't like those scary sci-fi movies where people get locked in time and then they're freed and it's hundreds of years in the future. So it was okay.
I looked up to the window he was standing in, the same one where I saw him smile and press that button, but this time he wasn't smiling and his hand wasn't on a button. He just looked at me.
I stood up slowly, my legs shaky and unsturdy. I feel like I would just fall over like the card houses they make on TV out of those cards. One person sighs and the whole thing falls over, that's what I feel like. But I took one step forward and then another, and then I could walk okay again, so I started going back to my room. I feel like the Doctor is watching me, but I don't turn back to him to look. I don't want to. Even if his eyes have laser vision burning holes in my back, I don't want to turn back and look at him.
When I get to my room, I'm so so happy. It's Rin! I never thought I would see Rin, ever ever ever again, because the Doctor told her to leave and never come back and he said I could never leave the laboratory ever again but then Rin was sitting right there, on my bed. As soon as I came in she smiled and stood up, running up to me and hugging me. I'm so happy right now. Rin says she was so worried, but I tell her that it's okay because the Doctor didn't kill either of us.
Then me and Rin just sit on the bed. She says that I was in there for almost three weeks, but I don't remember it at all. I just remember a day or two.
I rested my head on her shoulder, and she put her hands around me again. It makes me feel so happy and safe when she does that. I started to cry and tell her how scary it was. I feel bad about always making her listen to me, but she doesn't say anything about it and just hugs me. It makes me feel so safe and special. Not the kind of special the Doctor always called me, but the kind that makes you feel like no one can take it from you. The kind of special that, only one person can be, the kind of special that is only me.
~.~.~.~
Rin came to visit me again today. She says that it's Sunday today, and that tomorrow she's going to tell everyone that I was sick. But I told her that I'm going to sneak out and go to school tomorrow, because I like school. She had a worried look on her face, but I told her that I'm totally fine and won't stop breathing at lunch again. I suddenly realized that I forgot to say sorry for that, but when I said sorry she got mad and clenched her fists, shaking them back and forth.
She seemed to be avoiding the fact that I'm not a real person. I guess the Doctor told her everything. It must be hard for her to have to deal with the fact that she was made from a computer program. But it must be even harder for her to know that she almost had a brother, too, but he failed and doesn't function properly.
~.~.~.~
Today I left the house before the Doctor woke up, just so I could sneak to school. At lunch, everyone was happy to see me. It made me happy. If they missed me, then it must mean that I'm their friend, too. But now I feel different. I always feel like we can't be close like we used to be. Not even Rin and I. Because they, they're human, and me, I'm… I—I don't know what I am. Maybe I'll still disappear into thin air instead of shorting and dying as a hunk of metal and flesh.
~.~.~.~
The Doctor got so mad at me yesterday that he locked me in my room, so I'm still stuck in here today. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel dull inside. Maybe the gears that do what a heart does got rusty. Or maybe the metal rods that make up my bones are decomposing and turning into aluminum.
I don't feel happy anymore like I used to. I used to still be happy even though I thought I would just one day disappear. Now I just feel empty. I don't have a heart, I don't even have real body parts. But I can't even call myself a robot, because I'm still half alive, too. I wish I knew what I was. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Maybe I will just stop going to school like the Doctor says. I should just listen to him now. He knows so much more about me than I do. Even if he drowns me in water tubes and pokes needles in my arms and puts metal blocks on my chest and measures me and does experiments with me, I think he probably knows more about what I should do with myself than I do.
It's too hard to keep going to school. I don't think I should be around real people any more. I might spread like a disease and make them inhuman, too.
But… I don't want to die either. And I don't want to never see Rin again, either. I don't know what to do with myself. My head hurts. I feel tired, maybe I'll just climb into bed and sleep my life away, until the gears stop turning and the pumps stop pumping.
~.~.~.~
Why am I alive? Why did the Doctor make me and Rin and everyone else? For them, they don't need to know why they're alive. To everyone else, they just are, and they're happy with that, because they have the understanding of life to just accept that they're alive and that's the end of it and they're alive just because they're alive. But since I don't have the understanding of an alive person to understand that I'm alive, because I'm not alive, I want to know why I exist. One day, I'm going to find out the truth of why the Doctor made me. I want to find out the meaning of my birth. And I think that the Doctor is the only one that has my answer.
~.~.~.~
Today the Doctor came into my room and told me that he had a surprise for me. I got scared and asked him if I had to go back in the test tube, but he laughed and said no, you don't, it doesn't involve you today. So I told him okay and we went to the lab together, and right there sitting on the edge of the lab table was a girl with a long blonde ponytail on the side of her head. She looked up at me but her eyes had no life in them, and I stepped back a little. She scared me, just a little.
Len, the Doctor said, this is Neru Akita. She's the newest model to be created through my People Creator. I asked him People Creator? What's that? It sounds kind of scary, and it is actually. He said that's what he makes the people with, including me. That's what had the error when it made me. But now it doesn't have errors anymore and the doctor makes more people with it. The Doctor keeps talking. Neru, like the model before her, was a success. Now there's two models after you, Len, and they both are fully human and alive.
But I asked him why the girl doesn't look alive. He said it's because inside of her, things are still forming. He says she should be alive by tomorrow. I don't know whether to be excited or scared. I just feel kind of disgusted, how the Doctor makes people. And then he messed up and then a thing like me came out. Someday, I think, I want to destroy his people maker. I think the real humans should be left to the stork, how humans are supposed to be. I don't want any more Len Kagamines in this world. One is more than should have ever existed.
~.~.~.~
Today I was surprised. Neru was up and walking around. I went into the TV room, and she was sitting on the couch with a bowl of cereal. I felt a little bad. I'm scared to eat cereal, because milk is like water and then I'll die.
Who the hell are you? She asked me when I sat down next to her. This is my couch so get off. I did but I looked at her and felt sad. She won't let me sit on my couch. I told her I'm Len, I live here, and you just got here yesterday, and this is actually kind of my couch and I sit here every day. But she just snorted and kept watching TV.
I sat on the floor next to the couch and had to watch from the floor. Something felt very unbalanced inside of me. I hope she leaves soon.
~.~.~.~
The Doctor says that Neru won't really remember these days at home once she gets adopted. I wonder how that works? I don't think anyone would want to adopt Neru, though. She's annoying and rude and irritating. I even like the Doctor more than her.
I guess she likes herself, too. I tell her not to do things because it's mean, and she just keeps doing it. But it's weird. The Doctor made her from nothing, yet she exists and knows so much. She even knows more than me. I don't understand how, she's only been alive for two days.
~.~.~.~
Today Neru came into my face and said to me hahaha, I'm getting out of this dump tomorrow. And then I'm going to school, which sadly for both of us it's the same one as you. I asked her why she doesn't like me, and her answer confused me. She told me I don't hate you, you're just the same as any other person I've ever met.
Besides that just being plain confusing, I don't understand how she can say that. The only two people she's ever met are me and the Doctor.
~.~.~.~
Neru left today. I can finally sit on my couch again. But it feels a little empty, I don't know. I miss Rin and everyone at school. I'm scared to ask the Doctor if I can go back, though, because I don't want to be locked in my room again.
I did ask the Doctor why Neru said she knows people. He said it's because when people are created through his machine, fake memories are made into a past for them, as well as the knowledge a person of their age should have. I don't know what to think. I didn't get memories. The only memories I have are the ones after the first day I was awake here.
And I remember that I didn't know anything. The Doctor had to teach me everything I know now. I guess my brain was just another part of me that didn't form correctly. I really am just a failed person.
~.~.~.~
I went back to school today, the Doctor said it was okay. I got to sit next to Rin at lunch, but she still had her arms around Kaito and he had his around her. I guess they're still going out. I wish I could be the one Rin was hugging. Or I wish that Rin would hug both me and Kaito, and then everyone would be happy.
~.~.~.~
Gakupo says that men need bonding time, so he invited me and Kaito to his house. I don't know what it's like to have manly bonding time, since I don't even understand what the difference between girls and boys is except for lumpy chests.
Gakupo showed us all of his samurai sword collection. It was kind of scary, I've never seen so many sharp things in one place, except for the Doctor's exacto-knife cabinet. But those are small, for little wires. These ones make you feel like they're for chopping heads and arms. I hope I never have to get chopped with one of them.
Kaito looked just as scared as I did, though, so we told Gakupo that we had to go and we went to go get ice-cream because Kaito said he wanted some. I asked him how they make it, because it's so cold and creamy but it still stays in place and it's strange. I've never had it before. It's hard but soft at the same time. He just shrugged and said I don't know, but it's tasty, so we both ate our ice-creams together without any more questions.
~.~.~.~
I'm so scared. Something's wrong with me today. The Doctor's ready to put me in the test tube, but I told him no no no I am not going in there again. I can't move very well, and it hurts to breathe. It's hard to get the air in and out. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm scared. I think the ice-cream had extra water in it. Maybe it made something short-circuit inside of me.
I hope that tomorrow, I wake up and find out that today was just a bad dream.
~.~.~.~
Today the Doctor says that he's created an upgrade for the mechanical parts of my body, so it'll make the parts inside of me more efficient, and then I'll get better. I still can't breathe well or move today. It's worse than yesterday. I'm scared, I can't get off of my bed. I can't even really talk.
The Doctor poked something into my hand, and something warm started spreading through my arm. Then it spread to the rest of me, and it felt like I was under a big comfy blanket, clearing my lungs and loosening my joints. But then it changed, and I turned to ice. It felt like every single thing under my skin turned into blades and knives.
I started screaming and thrashing, the pain reaching from head to toe, searing at my fingertips. I don't know what went wrong, I don't know, but it hurts, it hurts Doctor, make it stop please, please. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder, me still screaming and crying and flailing about. What had started as a cure had turned to an absolute disaster.
~.~.~.~
So my friend Luka named this story Test Tube Len. I hadn't been liking its given name, so I myself began calling it Test Tube Len. And that name sticks even now. I love my TTLen 3
TTLen: I don't think it's the Doctor that hates me, I think it's you. D':
Me: Lol. Sorry TTLen.
TTLen: :C