Sorry I forgot to upload more of this! _

I'm gonna go and upload the next 3 chapters for you guys. Enjoy!

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Ch4

"Hey, Len, can you hear me?"

I blinked my eyes open, flitting my eyelids against the bright light over my head.

"Len, are you awake? How do you feel?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but nothing came out. I felt disoriented, like my mind was detached from my body. The Doctor's voice was too direct, too strong…

"Oh, sorry, buddy. Forgot. Anyway, you don't seem to be feeling anything at the moment. Good. Get some rest, yes?"

I closed my eyes again. I hurt. All over. And I didn't feel a thing. Again. I started drifting off to sleep, faintly figuring he turned off my emotions again.

~.~.~.~

Hey, Len, Len, are you okay? The Doctor's told me everything, I got worried you weren't there Friday, and then you weren't here today at school, he says you've been asleep for a day, and the last time you—Len?

I opened my eyes, this time finding myself in my room. I sat up, seeing Rin beside the bed, smiling at me. I smiled back and opened my mouth to greet her, but again nothing came out. I put my hand to my chest, trying to tell Rin hi Rin, I'm glad you came, I'm okay now, but I wasn't before, but nothing came out.

And then I felt a weird tug at the back of my neck. I moved my hand to feel what was back there, and discovered something stuck to me. And then I saw a wire on the bed, attached to a machine of some kind, and the other end… going up towards my neck.

I started panicking, why am I attached to this, why am I plugged in, I'm not a machine, I don't have plugs, since when was there a plug on me, what's going on? I tried to pull it out but Rin gasped and grabbed my hand telling me no, Len, don't take that out, you're on electrical support right now, the upgrade messed up your main operating system, that machine over there took over for now, if you unplug yourself you might die.

I don't know why, but it makes me mad that everyone knows more about me than I do. I don't care that it's because the Doctor told her it, she still knows that and I don't. And I don't want to be plugged in to a machine. I want to stand up and pull it out and tell Rin and the Doctor see, I'm not dead, I'm alive.

You can't do that Len, Rin says, because you won't be alive if you unplug it. How do you know that? She just read my mind! Rin, how did you do that? That was weird. And I'll still be alive, I—

No, you won't be alive Len, Rin says, and I didn't read your mind, the machine also displays what you're thinking on that screen, see? I looked over and saw exactly what I was thinking on the screen. Cool! Cool! was on the screen. How does it do that? How does it do that? was on the screen. I looked away. That's confusing, seeing my thoughts on the screen. I don't like that. And then I realized that it was showing my thoughts because it was plugged into me. That stupid machine, stupid Doctor, stupid everyone. I wish that I was either human or dead, because being half human and half dead and half machine is just too much.

Don't think that Len, Rin says, because I would miss you if you were dead.

And when I think about it, I think too, I would really miss Rin if I died.

~.~.~.~

The Doctor says that I can't go back to school until he installs new vocal cords into me. He's still trying to figure out what went wrong when he tried to install the upgrade in me. That word makes me mad, upgrading me. People upgrade machines and computer programs, not people. But then, I realize, I almost forgot, I am a machine, I am a computer program.

~.~.~.~

The Doctor told me that he has to leave the port on the back of my neck, and that from now on he's going to use that for tests instead of the magnetic distribution system in my hand. I don't really know what he's talking about, but all I know is that now I'm going to have to explain why I have a computer port on the back of my neck to everyone at school.

He said he's going to try upgrading me again, and I get scared, because the last time was too much to handle, and if that happens again I'd rather stay like this, but he says it shouldn't happen this time because he's using the port, so instead it'll just deliver the computer signals, or something like that. I didn't feel anything when he did it. But I felt a lot better afterwards, I felt stronger and more energetic and breathing was nice and easy again. I wanted to tell him thanks, Doctor, but my voice still doesn't work. But he said you're welcome and laughed, and then he left the room, and I looked at the screen and saw my own thoughts again. I think the Doctor has been getting nicer lately, now that he stopped lying.

~.~.~.~

When I woke up this morning, my throat hurt really bad. I realized that I wasn't in my room but was on the lab table, in the laboratory. The Doctor came over to me right away and asked me do they work? And I asked him does what work, but then I realized that I could talk, and the he said good and walked away. I don't really feel that great today though. My voice is all scratchy and weird. It feels weird to talk again. I decided not to go to school, but I'm definitely definitely going back tomorrow.

~.~.~.~

Len! Hey, Len, we've been missing you, what's been going on? That's what Meiko said when I sat down at the table today. Kaito looked over too, and said oh gosh Len, I hope you're not allergic to the ice-cream, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry Len, but even though that would have been a good answer I tell him no it wasn't that. Rin gives me a look, though, and I get the feeling I'll have to deal with her later.

Luckily, no one noticed the port on the back of my neck. But I'm dreading for when someone does. Or at least when someone tells it to me. I mean, people sit behind me in all my classes. I'm sure someone's noticed by now.

~.~.~.~

I was sad that today is Saturday, because I had just gone back to school and was looking forward to it. But I have lots of make-up work to do, and it usually takes me a really really long time to do it. Since I'm a robot, I wish I had a super robotic computer brain, so that I could do math and other stuff all fast. I bet I'm dumber than the rocks outside on the sidewalk.

~.~.~.~

Today the Doctor told me something I would rather have never heard. He said that since I keep getting more problems and am deteriorating, he says that I won't last very long. He says maybe a few more years, at most.

Now I feel like there's a timer sitting on my head, showing how much longer I have left to be alive but I can't see it because it's on top of my head. I realized today that I really really really don't want to die, I'm scared. I don't want to stop working, I don't want to disappear.

But then, I think, if I died, the world would be better. Because, the world should be made of only humans, humans and their machines, and not people like me caught inbetween.

~.~.~.~

I don't feel good today. I feel like there's a weight inside of me, and I always feel like crying. I don't want to die. I don't want my gears to stop turning, I don't want my pumps to not pump and my machines stop working. Today just kind of slummed by. I don't know if that's even a word. But it sums it up pretty good.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror today and I think I look different. My eyes don't seem too blue anymore. They look like dirty water in the sink after you finish washing the dishes.

But I think that's a good thing. Something that's ugly on the inside should look ugly on the outside, too.

~.~.~.~

Today Rin stopped me at lunch and said to Kaito sorry Kaito but I have to talk to Len and then she pulled me over behind a building. Then she said Len, Kaito said something about ice cream yesterday, did you eat it? And I told her um yeah, it was so hard but squishy and tasty. And then she gasped and said they make it mainly with milk, and that's why I got all messed up. I didn't know what to think, either because I was dumb enough to eat it or something else.

Maybe my don't-eat-water system is failing too.

~.~.~.~

I think I've been getting too many answers, lately. I used to ask too many things but now I get too many answers, I wish I could hit an equilibrium like the real humans do. But I think I'm off because of me not being real, since I don't have human understanding and everything.

I wonder, though, if a robot boy like me can ever have human understanding. Especially if he knows he's going to die because he lacks too much humanity. I don't think robots can ever be human, because you're either human or machine if you keep living, not like me who is stuck in the middle and is going to stop working one day soon.

~.~.~.~

Today Rin pulled me over again at lunch and asked me if something was wrong with me, and I told her yes there's lots of things wrong with me, don't you know that the day I was born there was something wrong with me, I'm not human but I'm not machine either, I'm both, I'm a failed model. And she said no no no, not that, I mean right now, you're not asking questions and you've lost your spark, is something wrong?

I told her I hope I didn't lose my spark, because I guess that'd mean my parts would stop working now and I would die now instead of later.

And then she stopped and her eyes opened big and she said what?

And I told her didn't you know, Rin? I'm going to die, the Doctor says I have a few years at the most, because I'm just a faulty model that can't survive on it's own, so I'm going to stop working soon.

And then I regretted telling her, because she grabbed my shoulders and started crying. I didn't ever want to see Rin cry, it made me want to cry too, and I couldn't help it so I started crying too. She said I'm not going to let you die, Len, I promise, but I don't know how Rin can say something like that because she can't promise that I'm not going to die. I'm going to die whether she promises I won't die or not.

~.~.~.~

I wonder why it doesn't bother Rin that she's made from a computer program. Maybe because she's perfectly human, so she has nothing to worry about, she's going to mature and age and then die when she's old, like every human does. But I'm not going to mature or age. I'm just going to die.

~.~.~.~

Rin came to visit me today. It made me really happy, I'm glad that she comes to see me now. I always feel weird talking to her with Kaito right there, because her and Kaito are special when they sit together and I don't want to interrupt.

Rin said to me I'll be right back and then she went to go talk to the Doctor. I don't think I was supposed to, but I went to go listen in to what they were saying.

There's nothing I can do, the Doctor says, except to keep replacing faulty parts. It's more of a hassle than it's worth. I'll just study him for now and see what happens. I told you last time, Rin, he's not really alive and never will be. It's in your best interest to stay away from a faulty model such as him, and go make real, human friends. Len's told me about where you eat lunch. Everyone that you sit with, I made. I conditioned all of you to stick together. Only some of you heeded it however; not all of my creations sit with you. Rin gasped, and asked the doctor how can that be true? We're all made from computer programs? Why do only I know? And the Doctor says it's because you followed the monstrosity back here and then I had to tell you.

That was enough for me to hear. I don't want to be a failed monstrosity robot boy. I want to be a real person.

~.~.~.~

Today Rin came again but asked me if I wanted to go somewhere with her. I got excited and told her yes yes yes I do! But the Doctor overheard and said no, you can't go anywhere, you'll just wear yourself down faster. I felt so sad, because I wanted to go with Rin. But then I pointed to the side of my house and then snuck into the Doctor's room and went out the window.

I think that if I'm going to die anyway, I should enjoy my time left. I am alive, after all. Because, only alive things can die.

~.~.~.~

Today Luka smiled at me and told me to lean in to her so she could tell me a secret. Then she said, guess what, Kaito finally kissed Rin! I'm so happy for them, they're great together, aren't they?

And I didn't really know what to say to that, because even though they're great together, Kaito takes Rin away from me. She doesn't sit next to me at lunch like she used to a long time ago. Now Rin has to come to my house in order to just talk to me. It doesn't feel right.

And Rin doesn't look happy anymore. I wish I didn't tell her that I was going to stop working. Then none of this would have happened, and she would still be smiling and laughing her tinkly laugh like always.

~.~.~.~

Something terrible happened today. Well, maybe not too terrible, but it might have been. Neru transferred into my English class and my math class. And she came up to me and said, hey you, you look familiar, do I have a picture of you on my cell phone or something? And then she started looking through her pictures, and to my surprise she actually had one. Then she exclaimed aww, you look so much cuter in real life than you do here! and hugged me.

I think whoever adopted her did something very strange to her mind.

~.~.~.~

Today something weird happened. We were all sitting at the lunch table when a stork came and landed on the table. It put it's foot on Rin's sandwich. Then I asked it where it found it's babies, and then it clattered it's bill and flew away. It didn't answer me at all. I don't understand why no one will answer my question.

~.~.~.~

Today it was raining, so I had to stay home. I hate the rain. I wish that it would either stop raining forever and ever, or I could just walk in the rain. I wonder if the water in the Doctor's test tube was different than the water outside, because I don't think I short-circuited at all when he put me in there. Some day, I want to try walking in the rain. I mean, I'm going to die anyway, so I might as well try it.

~.~.~.~

It was still raining today. I don't know how long this is going to last, it makes me feel so unsettled and grumpy. I want to go to school. I want to see Rin and everyone else. Being stuck here at home just reminds me that I'm going to die sometime soon, and I don't want to think about that. Going to school gets it off my mind a little.

I think it was the stork's fault that it's raining. I think the stork hates me, because I'm not human like the babies it carries to people. If I carried real human babies to people, I would hate a weird person like me, too.

~.~.~.~

Today I asked the Doctor why he likes to make people. He didn't give me an answer, but he showed me his People Creator, and it's just a little machine that looks like a projector. It was plugged into a computer, and both of them were off. It's easy, the Doctor says, all you do is pull up a picture from the Vo—from online, and then turn on the People Creator. But it's only designed for a very special type of person.

And I asked him, what kind of special person? What's Vo? And he said I'll tell you someday, Len, but not now.

~.~.~.~

The Doctor went out to the parts store today and left me home alone, so I snuck up into the People Creator room and turned on the computer. I saw a picture of me and Rin. I guess that because Rin is on the left side of the picture, the people maker made her first. And then it tried to make me and failed.

I noticed though that Rin doesn't have that weird number on her arm. Neither do I. We were in his Completed Projects folder. I wanted to know if he was planning to make more people, so I went into his To-Do Project folder. There were so many pictures, I don't know how he decides which one to make next. Actually, I don't know how he can even do this. It's gross. Making people from pictures is gross. It's really gross. It's sick.

So I was about to delete his to do folder when he burst into the room and screamed Len don't do it or I'll ki—and then he stopped and said Len, don't delete that or you know what will happen.

And I told him I don't care what will happen, I just want you to stop making people. And he said I'm not going to stop, because my machine is brilliant and I could make more like it and sell it for lots of money. And then, we'd be rich, Len, and live in a big mansion. Besides, people are the gift of life, and by me making people I'm making life. I think that's fantastic, don't you, Len? Now let go of the mouse, get up from the chair, Len…

I don't want a mansion, Doctor, besides, I won't even be alive to live in one, and besides, Doctor, I don't want any more people like me in the world, one is enough, I don't want you to make more failed people, and I—

And as I was talking he pulled out some weird gun with a rod sticking out from the middle and mumbled sorry but you leave me no choice, and then he pressed it and I couldn't move anymore, I fall to the floor, what's happening to me, what happened, I can't move, why am I blacking out?

~.~.~.~

Electrical shock, he says, and I sit up. If you delete those files, Len, my work's over, y'see. I can't have that happening. Well I can, I mumble, and I'm so stiff. It's still raining today. I hope Rin didn't try to visit while I wasn't conscious, because that would make me mad. I hate how the Doctor thinks I can be turned on and off like his computer.

I wish he would take me more seriously. I can talk and think like a real person, I can walk and laugh and cry and hurt like a real person. It's just, I'm not a real person. I'm a fake real person. Real people aren't half machine. I guess the Doctor sees that. If I'm a machine, I'm sure he thinks that I can be turned on and off like one. But I don't want to be turned off and on like a machine, I want to just stay on like a real person. I don't want to have an off switch. The Doctor keeps telling me I am deteriorating and doing extra things will make me die faster, but he's the one shooting electrical currents at me to shut me down. I don't understand.

~.~.~.~

It finally stopped raining today, but it was still too damp outside for me to go to school. Being at home is boring, and I always feel scared that the Doctor's gonna shut me off again or put me in the test tube. I always feel like he's standing behind me, watching me, making sure I behave myself like a good dog, but then I turn around and he's not there. It's scary. I wish I could live somewhere else, somewhere without all the machines and experiment equipment and the People Creator. I want to live somewhere where I can just forget that I'm a failed human model, that all I am is an imperfect mechanical boy.

~.~.~.~