"All I ever wanted was to be part of your heart,

And for us to be together, to never be apart.

But now as I see the look in your eyes

I know the fear is real and so are the cries.

In my heart this hurts so much

To never feel your angelic touch

But know I shall always love

My angel that soars high above…" -Excerption from the diary of Erik.

Erik's POV

Christine had helped me through the second darkest hour of my life. It was like I had fallen asleep from all the agony I was in, and woke within a wonderful dream. Christine, the girl of my dreams was massaging my feet, changing my shirts and caring for my wounds. Ten years ago, this woman would have never done this fore me. But why was she doing it now? I knew it was probably to pay me back for letting her stay. In my heart, I knew I still held feelings for this woman, but knew those feelings would never come alive. I was too afraid of having my heart broken again, for I knew at this moment the only thing holding the two halves of my heart together were a few paperclips. If I was to open my heart and love Christine again, I knew it would shatter.

Christine had called out a doctor, but he was as useful as a white crayon. It had been the same doctor who had told me I would never walk again when I was first beat to a pulp. He even suggested that I check myself into an asylum. I knew it would eventually happen, but as for now, I wasn't giving up. When my pain became too much to handle, Christine shot me up with a dose of my morphine, and I was able to fall into a feverish slumber. My body couldn't make up its mind what it wanted to do. I was hot, then I would turn cold, then hot again…I tossed within my blankets, pulling more on me, and then shedding them when I became too hot, but that wasn't all; I was also dreaming. It was horrible! A horrible nightmare! I was back in the gypsy camp, my master pulling me to a tree…the same tree where the worst night of my life happened. I was ten, my body trembling as my master tore away my clothes piece by piece. I cried "no" over and over again, but he wouldn't listen to me. He slammed my face up against the bark, and took me from behind…

"Erik! Erik wake up!"

I jolted awake, covered in sweat, and gasping for air. I plopped back down against my pillows, and ran my fingers through my hair, wiping the sweat away from my forehead.

"Erik? You were screaming."

"I'm fine." I assured, opening my eyes only to notice the pouring rain hitting against the window above my bed.

"You were having a nightmare, would you like to talk about it?"

"No, I would not." my anger came out just a tiny bit, but it was enough to scare her.

"Sorry, Erik, I didn't mean to anger you." she paused, and placed a bowl of soup down on the night table. "I made you supper."

"Thank you."

I closed my eyes, and relaxed my body once more.

"Well, aren't you going to eat? It's going to get cold."

"I haven't the strength. I'll eat later."

"Here, let me feed you."

Christine went for the bowl, but I stopped her. I wouldn't be treated like a baby!

"Damn you, woman, leave me be."

"Erik, you should really get a bath. You've been sweating and while you're getting cleaned up, I could change your sheets."

"What do I look like? A helpless child?"

Christine lowered her head, and bit her lip.

"No, I just want you to be comfortable."

I sighed, Christine was right. Damn my anger for treating her like that. She turned to leave, when I called for her.

"Christine?"

She turned and looked at me, her eyes filled with sadness. Christ! She was only trying to help.

"I….I'll get a bath. I do smell just a bit filthy."

Christine simply nodded, and headed towards the bathroom door. She seemed so upset, and I knew it was because of me.

"I'll draw you a bath."

With that, she disappeared behind the door. It was my worst memories that fueled my anger, and sadly, all I had were bad memories. When Christine returned, she pulled back the blankets and gently lifted my legs over the side of the bed. I cringed, but Christine pulled me to my feet and kept her hold on me as she slowly walked me to the bathroom. If it wasn't for her holding me up, I was sure to have fallen to the floor. Getting to the bathroom took every ounce of energy out of my body, and when she placed me down on the toilet, I sighed.

"Christine, I'll unclothe myself." I told her, my voice soft and kind. "Just change my sheets and come back in a few minutes."

Christine didn't argue, and left me alone. I was glad because I didn't want her to see the horrible scars that covered my body. It took a few moments to disrobe myself, but once I was completely naked, I lifted my legs over the side of the tub, and slipped into the warm, soapy water.

If I was feeling anything right now, it was the guilt of how I had treated Christine. She didn't deserve such treatment, and yet she had received it. I sat there massaging my mangled legs, letting the sweat and blood slip from my body. The room was silent…too silent. Had I really upset her that much?

"Christine?"

I called her name, hoping she would answer me. Only she didn't answer me, she came barging into the bathroom as if I were drowning in the bathtub.

"Erik, don't scare me like that."

I sat up, letting the top part of my back expose itself to her.

"Christine, I must apologize to you. I didn't mean to yell like I did."

She didn't say anything, and simply nodded before taking a seat on the toilet.

"I freshened the sheets on your bed."

"Thank you, and thank you for making me dinner. I'm just tired and irritable."

"Well then, it's best for you to sleep anyway."

Christine grabbed a towel, and gently dried my hair with it.

"Can you stand?" she asked.

"Perhaps, but I don't want to stand with you in my presence. Please respect my privacy."

Christine seemed to understand, for she left the bathroom, and came back carrying a long nightshirt. She turned away from me, to let me stand in privacy, and once I stood up from the tub I placed the shirt on. The shirt was so long that it came down to my knees, covering my whole body.

"You can turn now."

I was leaning against the wall in my nightshirt, waiting for Christine to help me back into bed. She took me by the arm and helped me lay down before fluffing the pillows under my legs.

"Thank you."

"Are you comfortable?"

"Yes, extremely…." Christine began to walk towards the door, when I stopped her. "I'm hungry, but I can't possibly feed myself."

Christine turned with a slight smile on her face.

"Does this mean you want me to feed you?"

"I need to eat don't I?"

Christine didn't say another word in fear that I would become angry again, and sat down on the side of my bed. As much as I hated being fed, I opened my mouth to receive each spoonful that she was holding towards me. The soup didn't taste bad at all, and I actually enjoyed it…I would have enjoyed it more if I didn't have Christine feeding it to me. When I reached my limit, I stopped her, and relaxed against my pillow. When Christine left with the empty bowl, I had expected her to return to my room, but she didn't. Though, I could see her shadow on the wall in the other room, and from what it was displaying, it seemed as though she was sitting by the fire, probably reading one of the many books I kept on the side tables. I didn't care, for I was extremely tired and my morphine was working.

Though, when I closed my eyes again, I went right back to the same nightmare. Only this time, I was face down on the ground in front of a bonfire. The gravel was digging into my flesh, as I felt two large hands pulling down my torn trousers. My own hands dug themselves into the gravel, pleading over and over again for my master not to do it.

"Shut up you little demon!" he shouted this as he turned me over on my back. "You will obey your master!"

His monstrous hands fondled with the buttons of his own pants, as I laid there helpless and sobbing.

"You should be happy to be having this done to you. For there is no woman on this earth that will ever want the body of a demon."

I laid there looking around, my body sweating and waiting for the pain that was to come. As I was, from behind the fire, I saw Christine…. She was standing there watching the whole thing.. I held my hand out to her, pleading her to help me.

"Now you will pleasure me with your mouth, demon." my master growled.

I was grabbed by my hair, and forced onto my master, I cried, but my master held a knife to my neck. My eyes continued to watch Christine, but she only began laughing…She was laughing at me!….

"Erik! Erik, wake up!"

I jolted awake, coughing and gasping for air.

"You're sweating."

It was Christine. She hurried away to the other room, giving me just enough time to catch my breath. When Christine returned, she was carrying a glass of water, and a damp cloth. Some hours must have passed, because the last time I saw her she was wearing a dress, but now she was in her nightgown, and her bed's covers were no longer neat. Damn me! I had woke her up! She forced the cup under my lips, and made me drink the cold water that was filled in it as she wiped my face with the cloth.

"Erik, would you like to talk about it?"

I finished my water, before tearing off my mask and throwing it across the room in anger. I then buried my face into my hands and sobbed. Why! Why had I been born so hideous? Why had God placed me on this earth only to be molested and raped by an evil man, abandoned by the only woman I ever loved, and tormented by everyone? Why? I was waiting for Christine to leave me, just like she left me ten years ago, but instead, she sat beside me and placed her hand over my back.

"Erik, please tell me what's wrong. Please tell me why you're so upset."

How could I ever open my heart to this girl? How could I ever tell her about my past?

"You would laugh." I sobbed.

"Erik, I would never laugh at you. The world may laugh, but I could never be so cruel."

"You would think differently of me. If I told you the things that have happened to me, you would find me just as filthy as I do."

I tried to face her, but she only closed her eyes and handed me my mask.

I snatched it from her, and placed it on.

"How can I tell you such things when you can't even look at me. Oh, Christine, all I ever wished for was someone who could look at me and love."

"Erik, please, tell me….tell me."

I was glad she couldn't bear to look at me, for I rolled over and sobbed face down into my pillow. How could I bear to look at Christine and tell her that I was molested.

"I…I had horrible things done to me."

I squeezed the pillow close to my body, and rolled over on my back.

"I had a master who….who enjoyed molesting me."

I pressed my eyes shut, and waited for the laughs that were bound to start….But instead of a laugh, Christine gasped. She gasped….No one had ever felt sorry for me, not even my own mother…I opened my eyes, to see Christine sitting there with tears running down her cheeks.

"Erik…I…I…never knew…"

I wrapped my arms around my chest as if giving myself a hug, how embarrassing it was to be telling her this.

"You never knew because you never asked. Do you think I enjoy telling people how the only act of sex I've ever experienced is getting raped from behind and giving a man pleasure…."

I felt my stomach churn at this point, and leaned over to vomit into the chamber pot that was under my bed. When I finished, Christine pulled me back onto my pillows and wiped her eyes.

"You must think me to be just as hideous on the inside as on the outside. I don't blame you…"

"I don't think any different of you."

My heart stopped when she said this. How could this not change her opinion about me?

"I'm glad you told me, Erik. I feel for you."

My breath caught in my throat, and she leaned down to wipe my mouth with a cloth.

"I'm glad you told me because now, I know what your nightmares are about. It bothered me not to know what bothered you. Do you always have them?"

I nodded.

"They're not as bad as they used to be, but they do haunt me at least three nights out of the week."

"When I used to have nightmares, do you know what my father did to make them go away?"

I shrugged.

"He would make me hot chocolate."

I tried to smile at her positive attitude, but couldn't, for my nightmares were still haunting me.

"Well, what do you say?"

"You would make me hot chocolate?"

Christine laughed, and helped me up.

"Come on, let's get you out of this bed for a while. As much as it is needed, there's a saying about how too much of a good thing isn't good."

It hurt so much to be lifted up to my feet, but Christine never let me go as she drug me out into the kitchen. I couldn't bend my legs to walk, but Christine held her patience with me. Once we were there, she sat me down in my usual chair, and propped my legs up on the chair beside it.

"Could you get me my robe?" I asked her. "Please."

I usually never said please, but this girl, this angel had been so kind to me that it would only be monstrous of my not to use manners. She filled a pot with some water before setting it on the stove and walking into the next room. When she came back, she was carrying my black robe in her hands, and helped me put it on.

"Better?"

"Yes, thank you. Where are my braces?"

Christine walked away, and came back carrying the destroyed braces and placed them down in front of me. There were screws missing, bent and twisted pieces of metal sticking from them…Yes, I was great at fixing broken objects, but these would take me weeks to fix; not that I was going to be walking anytime soon.

"Fixable?" Christine questioned.

"It's going to take a miracle to save these. I'll get them to my workshop in Phantasma as soon as I can."

I placed them on the floor, and Christine took a seat in the chair beside the one my legs were propped up on.

"I bet it feels good to get out of that bed."

She gently placed one of my feet into her lap, and began massaging it. This took me by surprise. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, it's just that I couldn't get used to this. I was so used to living alone without a single loving touch, but now….now was so different. My foot crackled beneath her touch, and I sighed deeply. On the kitchen table, I noticed a few of my scores sitting there, and reached over to grab them. My desk was beckoning me, but I knew I couldn't walk over there. Instead, I stayed satisfied with just looking over the unfinished score I had in my hands while Christine continued to massage my foot.

"What are you reading?"

"It's a score to some new music I'll have performed in the spring."

"You still write?"

My eyes moved from my page to her.

"Yes, but only scores for carousels and pipe organs."

"Why? You write songs so well. You did write them for me back in Paris."

"In my mind I hear melodies pure and unearthly, but I find I can't give them a voice…." I gulped. "Without….you."

Her touch on my foot became extra soft, and I couldn't even bear to look at her.

"You know, Erik, I could sing for you….right now…"

I couldn't! I wouldn't allow her to do such a thing. If I heard her voice, I would never be able to let her go again. Her voice is the exact thing that had trapped me into loving her before, and I wouldn't allow it to happen again. My heart wouldn't be able to take it!

"No, please don't sing for me."

"But why? You always loved when I sang for you."

"That was in the past, Christine."

"But you just said…."

"Enough!" I screamed this, but I quickly corrected myself, and let my voice repeat this in an even softer tone. "Enough…."

It was then that the water in the pot began to boil, and Christine stood up to stop it.

"Erik, where do you keep your chocolate?"

"On the top shelf."

There was only a little bit of chocolate in the cabinet because I couldn't eat it. I once ate a small piece, and it made me vomit.

"Don't add too much of it into mine." I reminded her. "I don't feel all so well."

Christine placed the small mug of hot chocolate down in front of me, before joining me again with her own.

"I have to go into town tomorrow." she said. "We need produce and we're running out of bread."

I was so tired, that the only thing I could do was nod. I took a sip of my hot chocolate, only to see her hand stretched across the table, and placed itself over my feverish forehead.

"Erik, you should really see a doctor. Your fever is very high, and I know your legs are bothering you, not to mention the wound on your head."

"You brought a doctor over here and he did nothing."

"Erik, I could find one who cares for the oddities."

I slammed my mug down on the table, and squeezed my fists.

"So that's what you think I am; a freak! I don't need special attention, Christine."

"I didn't say that you did."

"Then why are you suggesting a doctor who cares for freaks? Is that what I am to you!"

"No, you're not, but you need a doct…"

"No, I do not! I don't need anything from you and especially some doctor!"

"Your legs need tending to, and I am not a nurse!"

"Nor are you helping me!"

I didn't care that I was in pain, I was so angry, that I stood up, forgetting about my legs, only to fall on the floor.

"Erik!"

My body screamed in agony, and I lifted myself up by my arms, but couldn't find the strength to stand. Christine rushed to my side, and lifted me up.

"I don't need your help!" I argued. "I've been alone ten god damn years, and I don't need you now."

"You're going to kill yourself, Erik."

Christine wouldn't listen to me, and helped me back into bed before I seriously hurt myself. She once again propped my legs up on the pillows and covered me up with my blanket.

"Erik, tomorrow you and I are going to the doctor's office. You can't stay in this condition, it will do you no good."

This girl was only trying to help me, and yet I had yelled at her again. Why did I find it so hard to be kind? Deep down within my heart I knew there was some kindness within it, but why did I find it so hard to show her that kindness? Perhaps it was because my body still knew the pain she had put me in ten years ago….or maybe it was my heart protecting me again. Even if my heart was trying to keep me from getting hurt, she didn't deserve to be treated like this. She has shown me nothing but kindness since she's been here…Yes, maybe it was a little overbearing at times, but still, her heart was in the right place….Damn me! Damn me for thinking like this! This was the same woman who called me hideous and left, why was I seeking the kindness in her?

"Christine?"

She had been walking towards the door, but turned when she heard my soft voice.

"Yes, Erik?"

"Don't let me fall asleep alone. I know my nightmares will only come back if you do."

Christine turned off the lights in the kitchen, and walked back to her bed. It was then that I was able to close my eyes. I believed her to be in bed, but when I heard the sound of moving furniture, I opened my eyes to see her pushing her bed up against my own.

"Christine?"

I didn't know what she was up to, but my heart's pace quickened once she crawled in beside me. Yes, our beds were only big enough for one person, but when both beds were pushed together, it created one big enough for the both of us. Why? Why was she doing this to me? She took both of our quilts, and covered them over both of our bodies.

"Christine?"

No, she couldn't sleep here! I was a virgin! My body was begging for this! I couldn't give my body what it wanted, for if I did, I would never be able to let Christine leave in the spring. Why couldn't she just sleep in her own bed? What was she doing? I knew if she touched me now, my world would shatter in two and I would once again be obsessively in love with her.

"Calm down, it's going to help with your nightmares." she assured. "When I was a girl, my father would sleep with me."

"You shouldn't be doing this…"

"Why? Because I'm married? Erik, it's only to help you. I won't touch you, this I swear."

Christine stayed to her word, and kept her arms at her side. This was torture for my body. Never had she laid beside me before. I sighed, and placed my head down on my pillow, closing my eyes and inhaling the smell of her hair that was so close to me. And it was then, for the first time in my entire life that I was able to sleep without fear. No more did I feel coldness beside me, for I felt the heat of her own body laying up against my own. Perhaps I couldn't find the strength within me to love her like I had in the past, but one thing was for sure, this, was heaven….

Ok everyone, please review! Next chapter will be fluffy and cute. Oh, and some of you have been wanting me to update Phantom Royale, and I promise you that I will…It is not abandoned, just placed on hold for the time being, but I promise that it will be updated as soon as I get a chance to think about the next chapter. Thanks!