Where We Are

Chapter Seventeen

I miss him.
No you don't, don't be stupid.
It was nice seeing his face again.
He was making things more difficult.
What if I still have feelings for him?
Don't be ridiculous!
I miss him.

Carol woke suddenly the next morning. She lay on her back for several long moments, thinking about John and Zach and the custody battle and work and...Doug. No, you are not thinking about Doug! she told herself firmly. He had been on her mind since they had parted ways at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. He had insisted on coming to the airport with her, Zach, Susan and Mark. Just before they went through to the departure area, Doug had pulled her aside.

'Are you sure you're going to be okay?' he has asked.

Carol just nodded her head. Honestly, she didn't know exactly what was going through her head at that point. She still felt irrationally let down by the fact she would be leaving Doug and might possibly never see him again. But she knew she needed to focus on Zach and the custody hearing and whatever else was to come.

Doug had smiled at her then and momentarily, Carol felt a little weak. She remembered that smile, his carefree ways, his compassion for children, the way he held her during those stolen moments at work, the way he ran his hand through his hair when he felt awkward or embarrassed, that twinkle in his eye that matched his smile. All those little things she had once loved about him came rushing back and for one fleeting second, she wanted to beg him to stay with her. She hadn't realised it until then, but he had kept her strong these last few days. Pouring out everything to him in that hotel room had made her feel better. Being held by him as she contemplated losing her son had calmed her. And now she was flying back to Chicago and facing the biggest battle of her life...alone. She forced herself to think rationally. She wasn't alone, she had Susan and Mark and Jen. But that's how she felt right then, as she prepared to leave Doug again.

Then Doug had nodded his head towards Mark and Susan, who were waiting in line to go through to departures. 'Keep an eye on those two' he had said, chuckling. When Carol looked at him questioningly he had added, 'I sort of walked in on them having a bit of a moment yesterday. About time, don't you think?' Carol smiled as she looked over at her friends. So that's why they seemed so happy. That's another reason Susan wanted to come back to Chicago.

'Yeah, about time' she had muttered, forcing a smile.

'Can I call?' Doug had asked then.

Carol had told him he could, then said quick goodbyes and hurried back to Mark and Susan. As they stepped through the security area, Carol had turned and saw that Doug was still there. She waved quickly and then he was gone.

I miss him.
No you don't!

Now, she Susan and Zach were in a hotel room, having checked in upon their arrival in Chicago at almost three in the morning. Susan lay beside her in the double bed and Zach was still asleep on the small pull-out couch. Carol reached over to check the time and was shocked to see it was almost noon. She stretched and got out of bed and moved to the window.

The streets of Chicago were already a hive of activity. Pedestrians, cyclists, cars and buses crowded the road and she heard the familiar sounds of the El train rattling in the background. She sighed and started, mentally, to make a list of things that had to be done that day. Talk to Weaver, find another day care for Zach, speak with Jen at some point, find some sort of a permanent residence for the foreseeable future. She moved to her bags, knowing it was time she got ready to face the day ahead of her. It was then she realised she would have to stop off at her house to get more clothes; her and Zach's choices of clothing were now severely limited.

As she dressed, Susan woke. 'Hey' she mumbled sleepily, rubbing her eyes.

'Hey' Carol replied, pulling a woolly jumper over her head. 'Could you watch Zach while I go to the hospital to talk to Weaver?'

Susan pushed back her messy hair and nodded. 'Sure, but do you really think going to the hospital is such a good idea. Tag might be there' she said.

'Yeah, I know, but it has to be done. Plus, I know Friday is usually a busy day for-' but she was drowned out by Susan swearing loudly. Zach's eyes flew open.

'What?' Carol asked, going to Zach and picking him up.

'I was supposed to be going on a date tonight...in Phoenix!' she almost shouted.

Unexplainably, a loud and genuine laugh burst out of Carol's mouth. It felt weird to laugh. 'With who?' she asked.

'A doctor at my hospital, we've been out a few times. Oh well, I probably would have called it off anyway' Susan mumbled.

'Because of Mark?' Carol asked, smiling slyly.

Susan looked shocked that Carol knew but she blushed and nodded anyway.

'Well at least things are going right for someone' Carol said, then turned to dress Zach.

D&C

Doug's fax machine rumbled to life and within seconds was spitting out page after page carrying anything that might help Carol keep Zach. He had phoned Vanessa, like he promised, and she was more than willing to help. She never asked why Doug had not called but wished him and his "friend" luck with the custody battle.

But even as the fax machine printed what had to be more than fifty pages, Doug still felt as if he had let Carol down. He doubted this information would be helpful, and anyway, Jen was a lawyer and she would have access to all this stuff.

He was only back in DC a few hours and already he regretting leaving her. He had promised he would help her win custody of her son and he seriously doubted he could do that now. What could he do from DC? And he missed her. Missed her so much it felt like physical pain, like his heart was tearing in two. He knew his heart was tearing in two and he couldn't do a thing to stop it.

He sat down behind his desk in his office and lowered his head into his hands. He should have offered to go back to Chicago with her, like Susan had. But then he remembered what she had shouted at him, just before Mark and Jen had turned up in Phoenix, about his presence making things worse. Did she still feel that way? He gripped his hair in his fingers in frustration, nearly tearing it out. Oh how he missed her.

His office door creaked open and Megan, the nurse, stuck her head in. 'Dr Ross, your first appointment is here' she said, smiling.

Doug's head snapped up. 'My first appointment? Megan, I just got back, I didn't schedule any appointments' he said.

Megan blushed. 'I'm sorry Dr Ross, but Dr Mason scheduled some for you because he knew you'd be back today' the young nurse apologised.

Doug shook his head and sighed heavily. 'Fine, send them in. Who is it anyway?' he asked.

'Oh little Eden James, for her monthly check up' Megan said brightly.

Doug froze. Alicia! How could he have forgotten about her...again! But before he could object he heard Megan say, 'Dr Ross will see you now,' and seconds later the office door banged open.

'Dr Ross!' Eden shouted, sprinting around his desk to hug his arm. She grinned up at him like he was Father Christmas or something. Alicia was standing in the doorway, smiling too.

'H-hey mischief. How are you?' Doug asked, standing up and picked Eden up.

'I feel fine. Dr Ross, when are we going ice skating again?' she asked as Doug placed her on the exam table against the wall.

'Eden!' Alicia scolded, moving into the room and leaning again Doug's desk.

'What?' Eden asked, holding out both hands and shrugging.

'Well, we have to check you over first, don't we?' Doug said quickly, avoiding looking at Alicia.

'And then I get ice cream?' Eden asked, excited.

Doug forced a smile. 'You sure do' he said.

He set about examining the five year old, asking all the usually questions, Alicia answering them brightly, though Doug kept his back to her. Once he had finished and assured mother and daughter than Eden was doing great, he called Megan back and asked her to take Eden to the cafeteria for her usual ice cream. It was only after Eden was gone that Doug finally turned to face Alicia.

She pushed away from the desk and approached Doug, stopping not half a foot away from him. Doug felt himself growing hot and attempted to dodge her, but she reached up and took the collar of his shirt in both hands, then smoothed them down and patted his chest.

'How was Phoenix?' she asked, smiling.

'Eh...It was...eventful' Doug replied, truthfully, trying not to look her in the eye.

She was straightening his tie now. 'That's good' she said.

Doug forced a smile and then stepped away from her and behind his desk. Alicia seemed a bit surprised at first but then took the seat opposite him without saying anything.

'I thought you said you'd call when you got back' she said.

'Well...I'm only back a few hours and I came straight to work. I was going to call tonight' he said, trying to sounds convincing. Alicia nodded as if satisfied by his reply. Then she stood, came around then desk and slipped into Doug's lap.

'I've been thinking about the other day. You left after just a kiss' she said. Her tone suggested she was trying to be seductive and Doug knew he was right when she bent her head and kissed his neck.

'Well' he said, standing up and almost dumping Alicia on the floor, 'I had an early flight, didn't I?'

'You don't have one tomorrow morning' Alicia said, attempting to wrap her arms around his neck but he stepped away quickly.

This time, she didn't miss his attempt to avoid her and her eyebrows came together. 'Doug, what's wrong?' she asked, perching on the corner of his desk.

Doug sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He hated that he had to do this. He had never set out to hurt Alicia but he knew he couldn't go on like he had never seen Carol again. He was foolish to think that after four years he could have gotten over her so easily and their recent encounter confirmed that. It was no use trying to form any sort of relationship with someone, someone who had had their daughter to think of, when he knew his heart would always belong to Carol.

'Things have changed, Alicia, since I left' he said, quietly.

'Changed? Doug you left three days ago. What could have changed?' she asked, folding her arms across her chest.

Doug hesitated. He didn't even know how to say it. I'm in love with a woman I've haven't seen in four years, except that I just happened to dump into her in Phoenix. Not likely that Alicia would take that well.

'It's her, isn't it?' Alicia asked suddenly.

Doug looked up at her confused. 'Who?'

'The one you're in love with' she sighed, as if in defeat.

'Doug, it's been obvious since the day we first slept together that you were in love with someone else. I guess I just hoped you'd get over her and want to be with me. And I honestly thought that you had gotten over her after the other day. But it's written all over your face now. It is her, isn't it?' she asked again.

Mutely, Doug nodded.

'Can I ask her name?' Alicia asked. She didn't seem angry or upset, just as if she was giving in.

'Carol' Doug croaked out.

Alicia sighed again and stood up. 'I'm taking it that you met her again in Phoenix?' she asked and when Doug nodded she added, 'Then why come back here?'

Doug almost laughed. Wasn't that the exact same think he had been thinking before Alicia and Eden arrived? He shrugged.

'It's complicated. She lives in Chicago and she has a lot going on right now' he told her, not sure why he was doing so.

Alicia smiled in a sympathetic sort of way. 'And don't you think she'd like your help with whatever is going on right now?' she asked.

When Doug just looked up at her questioningly, she just shook her head. She leaned in and pressed a kiss to Doug's cheek. 'You should be with her. Even I can see you can't stand being away from her now' she said.

Carol's face soared to the front of his mind, anger and fear clear in her expression. Then he saw Zach, playing quietly on the bed as Doug held Carol and told her everything would be okay. He longed to see them, to see them both and make sure they would never be parted. He nodded, trying to hold back a few tears that suddenly stung at his eyes.

Alicia turned and headed for the door.

'Alicia' Doug called at the last minute. She turned. 'I never meant to hurt you.'

She smiled. 'I know' she said simply, then shut the office door behind her as she left.

It took only seconds for Doug to pick up the phone and dial the familiar number. Dr William Mason, Chief of Staff, answered after two rings.

'Will, I need a favour. I need some time off' Doug said, hurriedly.