Where We Are
Chapter Eighteen
'It looks empty' Susan stated.
They were parked outside Carol's house, watching to see if Tag was inside. Carol had wanted to come to the house first, to get clothes and some other things they would need before going to the hospital, and Susan had insisted on coming with her. They attempted to leave Zach with Mark but the toddler kicked up such a fuss that they ended up taking him with them.
'Right, let's go, before he comes home or something' Carol said and both woman stepped out of the car. When Carol opened the back door and unbuckled Zach's seat belt, he hopped out of the car and stared, out mouthed, at his home.
'Mommy! Look, it's our house!' he screamed, then ran swiftly up the porch steps and banged on the door, 'Daddy!'
'Great' Carol muttered to herself, then quickly followed Zach up the steps to the door. 'Baby, daddy isn't here right now' she said gently, bending down and taking Zach's little shoulders in her hands.
'Where is he?' Zach asked.
'He's in work. Come in, let's go inside and get some more of your toys' she said. She stood up and unlocked the front door, relieved that her key still worked. She had half expected him to change the locks. Zach gave a squeal of delight once he got inside and immediately darted up the stairs to his bedroom. Carol and Susan entered Carol's bedroom and began to pack more of her clothes. Once they were finished in Carol's room, they moved up the stairs to Zach's. He was playing on the floor with all his toys thrown around the room. He was picking up toy after toy, hugging it, playing with it for a few seconds, then throwing it away to pick up another and repeat the process. Carol smiled and bent down to her son's level.
'Which toys do you want to bring with you?' she asked.
'Bring where?' he replied, cocking his head to one side.
'Back to the hotel?'
'Aren't we staying here?' Zach inquired.
'No, we can't. We have to go back to the hotel. Now, come on, which toys do you want?' Carol asked again.
But Zach had flung himself down on the floor in full tantrum mode, kicking and screaming and banging his fists off the wooden floor. Carol attempted to stop the tantrum but after a few seconds Zach started to scream, 'I want my daddy!'
It was then that Carol realised how much all of this had hurt her son. She felt tears roll down her own cheeks as she watched her son cry for his father. It was heartbreaking and she didn't know what to do to make it better for Zach. Completely breaking down, Carol gathered the toddler into her arms.
I know, baby, I know' she sobbed. She sat back against the dresser, holding her son tightly and cried, cried for the perfect life that had seemed to have and she knew it could never be the same again. She cried for the nights when she and John would put Zach to bed together, read him stories and kiss him goodnight. She cried for the evenings she would sit in John's arms with a glass of wine. She cried for the times John would tell her he loved her. She cried for the times she would watch from the back door as John played with Zach in the garden. But that life was over now and it hurt her to know that she would never get it back. Not now. But she had to make this better for Zach, she just had to.
Susan was sitting beside them, one hand on Carol's shoulders as the nurse shook with tears. Carol was glad she was there but knew it was another's hand she wished was holding her now, and that too hurt, because it could never be like that again.
Eventually, after mother and son had cried themselves dry, Zach sat up in Carol's arms. 'Can I see my daddy?' he asked.
Carol glanced at Susan and then looked back to her son. She wiped away the last of her tears. 'Listen baby, we're never going to live with your daddy again. Daddy and mommy don't love each other anymore but we do love you, okay? And I promise we will always love you. But we have to go now, so can you pick out some toys and I'll pack them and then we can go see Mark again?' Carol requested.
After a few long seconds, Zach nodded and stood up. Carol did too, when to his closet and pulled out some of his clothes, passed them to Susan, who folded and packed them.
'Are you okay?' Susan asked.
Carol took a deep breath. 'I never thought I'd say this, but I think it would be a good idea to let Zach see John. He's only three years old and he doesn't understand why he can't see him. All this has hurt him so much already, if it will help, then maybe it's not such a bad idea' she said.
Susan bit her lip and Carol knew what she was thinking. 'He might be a lot of things and he might have done a lot of things but I know John would never hurt Zach, not physically anyway' she said.
Susan sighed and nodded in agreement. Carol turned back to Zach. 'Are you ready?' she asked.
Zach nodded, holding up a Thomas the Tank Engine train set, a SpongeBob soft toy and a Dora and Diego book. Carol took them, added them to the bags and then picked Zach up.
'Let's go then' she said. She, Zach and Susan left the house quickly. Back in the car, Carol did a U-turn and headed towards County.
...
It was almost dark when they arrived at the hospital. When they came through the doors, Carter, Haleh and Weaver were standing at Admit. With loud screams, Carter and Haleh rushed over to hug Susan, welcoming her back and asking how she had been. Weaver approached Carol and Zach.
'Hey little guy' she said to Zach. Zach hid his face in Carol's neck as a response.
'Zach, don't be rude, say hello to Dr Weaver' Carol told him.
'Hello Dr Weaver' Zach muttered. Kerry smiled, then looked up at Carol.
'How are you?' she asked. She had been truly worried about the nurse in her absence and was glad she had returned to Chicago.
'I'm okay I guess. I went to stay with Susan in Phoenix for a while, like you said I should but I don't think it really helped clear my head. But, really, I'm doing okay. I just came in to talk about work. I'm going to need some time off' Carol said, moving passed the awkward past of the conversation and concentrating on what she came to talk about.
'Of course, that's no problem. How long do you think you'll need?' Kerry asked.
'I'm not sure. Things are a bit messed up right now. Can I let you know?' Carol said.
Kerry nodded. 'No problem. Carol, if there's anything I could do, please let me know' she said.
Like she had before, Carol found it easier to talk to her boss that to her friends and she nodded. 'Thank you, Kerry. That means a lot,' they she turned to Susan. 'Are you ready?'
Susan nodded, promised Carter and Haleh that she would call in again soon and then turned towards the elevators with Carol and Susan. When they emerged on the Psychiatrics floor, Susan stopped Carol.
'Are you sure about this?' she asked.
Carol didn't respond, she turned and walked down the familiar corridor that led to John's office. She tried hard not to think about the last time she had been here, knowing the mental images of what she had seen might cause more tears. Just outside John's office, Carol turned and handed Zach to Susan, then approached the door, took a deep breath and knocked.
'Come in' called that all too familiar voice. Carol opened the door and stepped into the small office.
Everything was as she remembered it. Photographs of her and Zach still sat on his desk, next to his name plate. Even she screensaver was still that photo of the three of them taken at a carnival down at Navy Pier. It was if nothing had happened.
John was sitting in his chair, staring up at his wife, trying to believe that she really stood there. Slowly, he stood up. The silence that hung between them was deafening. After what seemed like a year, John opened his mouth to speak, but Carol beat him to it.
'I'm not here to argue. I'm here to talk about Zach' she said quickly.
It was as if he had not heard her. 'Carol, I'm so sorry' he pleaded.
'You're not sorry, John. If you were sorry you wouldn't be trying to take away the one good thing I have left in my life. But as I said, I'm not here to argue' she snapped, trying to hold back her anger.
John gulped. It was clear he had never anticipated a confrontation with Carol, and now he was lost for words.
'What you've done, to me...to our marriage...to our life together...well I can almost take that. It's hard and there are times I wish we could just start over but I know in my heart there is no going back now. But I will not allow you to break Zach's heart too. No matter what goes on between us, Zach should never have to hurt over it and he has been hurting. It's not fair on him and honestly, I can't watch him cry over you anymore. I'm going to be here in the hospital for another hour. Zach is outside with Susan. If you promise that it would do him good to see you, I'll let him stay with you for the hour. And I'm not saying that I'm not going to fight you at this stupid custody hearing, because I am. Zach is my whole life and I won't lose him, I can't lose him. So, it's up to you. One hour to try and make right what you put wrong in your son's life, or I walk away now and I can promise you will never see him again' Carol got through her speech, her hands shaking.
John nodded hurriedly. 'He can stay. I'll cancel my appointments, anything. Just let him stay with me' he said.
Carol took another deep breath and willed herself not to take back her offer. 'And remember, if you try to run off with him, or do anything stupid, your chances of gaining custody will crumble. You are to stay in this office, you got it?' Carol ordered.
John looked like he was going to argue but thought better of it. Carol turned to the door. Before she opened it, she spoke again, her back still to John. 'I wish things had turned out different and it terrifies me to even consider leaving Zach with you, so please, do this one thing for me. Zach deserves better' she said, then opened the door. Susan was sitting in a chair opposite the door. She stood and passed Zach to Carol who hugged him tightly for a few seconds, then pulled him back to look at him.
'Mommy has some things she needs to do and you're going to stay with daddy for a while, okay?' she asked. She knew she was doing the right thing when the little boy's eyes lit up in excitement and he nodded his head ferociously. Carol forced a smile. She turned and brought Zach back into the office with her.
'DADDY!' Zach shouted, wriggled out of Carol's arms and shot across the room.
John laughed and swung Zach up into the air, then brought him down to hug him tightly. 'I missed you, kiddo' he said.
'I missed you too, daddy' Zach said.
Carol stood by the door, her heart breaking as she watched her son reunite with his father. Quietly, she slipped out the door again, right into Susan's arms where she sobbed until her eyes hurt.
They returned to the ER, hoping to find some sort of distraction while Carol waited for Zach. And they did. Mark was waiting for them. Susan's eyes lit up when she saw him and she ran to hug him. Some of the staff watched with smiling faces, but to them, Susan and Mark were seeing each other for the first time in over a year. They didn't know what happened in Phoenix.
When Carol joined the two, surprisingly Mark shot her the biggest smile she had seen in days. She knew something was up right away but didn't have the energy to consider what it was.
'What's wrong?' Mark asked, resting a hand on Carol's shoulder.
Susan answered for her. 'She just dropped Zach off at Tag's office' she told him.
Comprehension dawned on Mark and he pulled Carol closer as another tear leaked out if her eye. She brushed it away impatiently.
'What are you so smiley about anyway?' she asked.
'Well, there's someone who wants to see you' Mark said. Carol's eyebrows came together as Mark took her hand and led her towards the lounge. He pushed open the door and Carol looked around the room.
Her heart stopped in her chest and her breath caught in her throat. Tears blurred her eyes again. All her questions were answered in a flash and for just a few seconds, her problems had disappeared.
He stood and smiled that smile at her and she felt her knees trembled. She felt as if she was twenty-three years old again and falling in love for the first time. A laugh escaped her lips, a genuinely happy laugh.
She dashed across the room and into his open arms, tears now running freely down her cheeks.
'I missed you so much' she whispered.
I missed you, too' Doug murmured back, his heart rejoicing as he held the woman he loved, wishing he never had to let go, ever.