"Through the mirror I have sought
The ugliness I know you thought
Your eyes and love can only bear
The handsomeness of Raoul
But for you I only scare.
You cringe at my touch
And fear my embrace
My face which demons dare to chase
But in the mirror we both now stand
Staring into the future's land
And through the mirror I have sought
The hideous teasing life has brought."-Excerption from the diary of Erik.
Erik's POV
I was in heaven! Christine not only made my sore face completely vanish, but she also kissed me….Passionately! The last time we had shared a kiss, it was chaste. Not that I didn't find it breathtaking, and it did satisfy my lifelong urge. I could have lived out the rest of my life with nothing but chaste kisses; really, I could have. I am a monster, and I always learned to keep myself satisfied with what ever heavenly things came my way. I knew years ago that no one was ever going to want to bed with me, which is why I have limited myself to….well, to releasing myself. Yes, I could bring myself pleasure, but I could never kiss myself, which is why I was simply happy with the chaste kiss I had received. Oh, but when Christine kissed me again….sparks flew! I felt everything; her tongue, her lips, I tasted her saliva against my own! But could we stop? No! We fell back against our bed, and I began kissing her neck. She called my name! god! She had called my name. I couldn't take it anymore….Once she called my name, I was lost, lost in ecstasy and I couldn't stop my body's hormones from causing me to get an erection.
I had to stop before I couldn't, and pulled away. She seemed upset over my actions, but it was for the best. But Christine knew what was happening to me, and switched the subject. We cleaned the flat, had dinner and laid with one another right before going to bed. I had been on my legs for far too long in the past couple of days and when I awoke, my body was feeling it. My legs were in agony, and I rolled over on my back, only to grasp the sheet in pain. From my thigh all the way down to my ankle throbbed in the worst pain since I had been beaten. The doctor had told me to stay in bed, but I never followed orders. Christine would help me! She always did. I reached over, expecting to touch her shoulder, but instead I felt empty blankets. Christine was gone….
"Christine?" I called out her name in agony, hoping she would come around the corner. But as the moments passed, nothing happened. Maybe she was in the kitchen…But I didn't hear the familiar bouncing around like I usually did.
"Christine? Oh, God, Christine, I'm in agony….Are you out there?"
But I didn't get an answer this time either. It was then that I knew she had left the flat. How I hated when she was gone, but I knew she would return in time. I only hoped it was a short time because I needed her help. Why was I thinking like this? I had been on my own my whole life, never needing anyone's help….So why was I turning lazy all of a sudden? I threw my head back against my pillow, and opened my eyes. There, in Christine's empty spot was a small leather book with a piece of parchment sticking out of it. Curious, I lifted the book, and placed aside the paper that was sticking from it. When I opened the leather binding, it took me straight to a page in the middle of its thickness. This was no book from my library, this was handwritten, handwritten by Christine. I myself kept a journal from time to time….mostly to jot down my thoughts, usually the ones I couldn't tell Christine. If she ever dared to read it, I would be livid, and I wouldn't expect any less from her if I did the same with her diary. Then again, what Christine didn't know wouldn't hurt her right?
This was so wrong, but at the same time, it felt so right. I flipped over to the next page, and looked down at her beautiful handwriting and read the entry.
"Dear Diary,
I thought of him again. I cannot get my mind off of Erik. Back in Paris I had been able to get away from him, and let him leave my thoughts. The opera house had been big enough to disappear for a few hours. But now, I am living with him. He is there all the time, and these thoughts…..these thoughts have only been getting worse and worse. I know I shouldn't think about these things because I am married, but how can I not want to do it with him? The sex Raoul and I had was never good at all, and my body ached in agony for days after we would make love. But things with Erik could be different, right?"
My heart stopped in my chest. Christine; my Christine thought about making love to me! How could she want something like that? My body was just as hideous as my face, if not worse. How could an angel want me? How I wanted to slam the book shut and pretend I never read such a thing, but I couldn't, I was hooked. Like a good book, I couldn't stop reading, and flipped right to the next entry.
"Diary,
Tonight I had a dream. I am writing it down as I remember it happening before I forget. It was such a wonderful dream, diary. Erik and I were dancing in the main room of his flat, I even remember the music being something he had written for me. I don't know why, but there was this gleam in his eye….like he was hypnotizing me. My hands wandered to his trousers, and soon we were back against his bed. We made love, diary! I remember every detail about it. He touched every part of my body before lovingly caressing my back and pulling my pelvic up against his own. He cared about hurting me so much, that he slowly entered me. Oh, diary, it felt wonderful. I was sad when I awoke….and right now, at this very moment, Erik is laying beside me asleep. I feel that I will not sleep another moment tonight…not after feeling that….but how I wish it were real…"
At this point, all the blood in my body was rushing to my pajama trousers. Christine….Oh, she wanted something I had yearned for my entire life. In all the years I have been on earth, the closest thing to sex was reading books and erotic stories. Being a virgin never usually bothered me, but now….now it was driving me completely mad. Quickly, I slammed the book shut, and placed it aside. Not only were my legs pounding with pain, but now my manhood was throbbing with the need for Christine…or a release. Why must I torture myself! When my arm hit the side of Christine's mattress, I felt the piece of parchment I had pulled out of the diary. But being the curious man that I was, I couldn't just place it back into her diary without reading it…..now that I think about it, I really wish I would have, for it was a letter to Raoul….
"My dearest Raoul,
Please do not worry about me. I am in a far away destination, one which has filled my empty heart with such joy. I have gotten word that you have been searching high and low for me. I know not writing you was a terrible thing to do, but it had to be this way. First, please know that I do love you, but not in the way a wife should. You were once my lover, one that I couldn't bear to be away from. You were the one who protected me from the Phantom of the Opera. But the opera is done and my choices are made. I thought being married to you would have been the best time of my life, but now, ten years later I am at my breaking point. You drink, you spend no time with me, and the worst of it all is that you beat me. A man should never raise a hand to a woman, especially his own wife. I have not existed to you for a while now, unless it was for your fist…I have met someone else, someone who needs me more than anything in the world. I may not love him, but he has given me a place to stay and that's what matters.
I wish you all the happiness the world could offer you. I will love you forever, but only in distance….
Christine."
My heart crumbled as I read the last few lines of the letter. "I may not love him…"
A great pain occurred in my chest, and I threw the letter aside. My heart was laughing at me, telling me about how much of a fool I was for letting my obsession for Christine rise once again. She didn't love me….She didn't love me! This phrase sang in my head over and over again. She didn't love me! Was she playing a game with me all along? Had she fixed my mask just so I wouldn't have to take it off ever again? Perhaps she was that cruel. I rose from my bed, not caring about the agony my legs were in, and stumbled into the bathroom. That line! Oh, that horrible line tore through my heart like a thousand knives. When I was reading her diary, my body was getting an erection, but after reading that letter, it immediately sucked the life and raging hormones from me. I tore away my mask, and looked into the only mirror I had inside my flat. I hated mirrors, and only kept one hanging on the bathroom wall just incase I needed to clean my wounds or look at myself before taking Christine out. But she didn't love me, so there was no reason to keep it any longer. I stared at my grotesque reflection cursing God for what he had done to me, and wishing I were dead.
My blood soon turned boiling red, and my fist smashed into the glass. I had only done this once in my life, and that was when I fist saw my reflection as a child. I didn't care about the pain my knuckle was in or the blood seeping from my flesh. No, all I cared about was that I was hideous, and Christine would never love me. The shards of glass fell into the sink, and I took a sharp end, and sliced it over the scars in my left wrist, slicing them open, hoping my vein had been cut. But was this enough? No! I couldn't let myself live! I sliced open my right wrist as well…. It was done! I was dizzy, and both my wrists were bleeding out tremendous amounts of blood. "Good," I thought. I'll be dead in no time….I can finally meet my maker, and burn in hell for all eternity unloved and lonely like always.
I grew weak and cold, laying there on the bathroom floor in puddles of my own blood. I wasn't dead yet, but I knew I soon would be.
"Erik? Erik, I'm home!" came a happy voice.
It was Christine! No, she couldn't see me like this! I had to die before she came walking in here. But I couldn't move, I was completely paralyzed. I knew I only had a little bit of life left in me, but I couldn't let her see me like this.
"Erik? Where are you?" her voice was happily teasing me, and I even heard her giggle. "Are you in the bathroom?"
I even saw her come around the corner with a smile on her face, but when she saw me laying there, her smile turned to horror. She rushed into the blood filled room, and scooped me into her arms.
"Erik! Erik, talk to me!"
I was freezing, and when I looked up into her face, I only saw a bright light. Soon, her voice had been drowned out with the sound of my heartbeat pounding against my ears. This had all happened before when I attempted suicide, but I always woke up…..I completely blacked out after that, and waited for the Devil himself to show up, but he never did….for I awoke.
My sight was blurry, and I could hear voices coming from the other room, but they seemed so far away. I remember the softness of my pillow caressing my unmarked cheek as my mask did the same for my deformity.
"Just watch him, and let me know if his condition changes." said a voice.
Was this a doctor's voice? I tried to move my head, but my body was drained of all energy, and I could feel a slight pinching sensation coming from my forearm.
"Make sure he drinks plenty of fluids. His body is going to need this to produce the blood cells he lost."
Yes, I was thirsty….never had I even been so thirsty, but I was so tired that I just blacked out again. When I awoke once more, I felt my legs propped up on pillows, and heard my phonograph playing a soft tune. I pressed my face into my pillow, and groaned in agony.
"Erik? Erik, can you hear me?"
It was Christine! Why was I still alive? Why was I still in this hell with the one person who hated me?
I opened my eyes to see her standing there at my bedside. She seemed exhausted, and upset over my actions, but I had a right….Oh, why couldn't I just die?
I let my head shift to the other side of my pillow so I didn't have to look at her, but the sight I saw on the night table was worse than looking at Christine. There on the night table was a jar of some sorts filled with blood, and a tube stretching from its lid all the way into my forearm….At least I finally knew where the pinching sensation was coming from. I arched my back, and yelped in pure excruciation before allowing my body to relax.
"Don't worry, Erik. Accidents happen, and it was my fault. I shouldn't have gone out and left you here all alone. You fell against the mirror and almost died because of my neglect."
Damn! Christine thought this whole thing was a fall accident. She didn't know I had intentionally done this to myself, hoping I would die.
My throat was parched, and I couldn't speak. She held up a glass of water to my lips, and I drank it until the dryness in my throat had gone away.
"The doctor says you need plenty of liquids. Are you still thirsty? I could get you some juice this time?"
Even though my throat was still dry, I couldn't gather the strength to speak. Instead, I laid there as she stroked my hair. She didn't love me….that's all I had to keep telling myself. She was using me as shelter and nothing more. I was a complete fool for ever thinking she could love me, and like an idiot I fell for such beauty. Christine had to know I wanted to commit suicide. I couldn't just keep going on like this….I had cut myself, and for good reason; she didn't love me! I kept my gaze on the jar of blood that was dripping into my body, wondering where it had come from.
"We're one, Erik."
Her sweet voice has entered my ears, and I turned to face her. It pained me to do such a thing, but I did…I faced her.
"From now on, you'll always have a part of me running through your body. I gave you blood, Erik. The doctor said you would have died without it."
Christine wanted me to live! I looked at her arm to notice that she had a cotton ball placed over her vein. She had given me blood! The blood in the jar was hers, and it was dripping into my body! No…I couldn't act like this. Yes, it was such a beautiful thing having the blood of an angel entering my body, but I couldn't be happy! She didn't love me! She didn't love me! Than why did she donate blood to save me? Oh, the horror of such a thing! The horror of such confusion!
But I couldn't just lay here in silence while she sat there thinking this had been an accident. But first, I had to know why she had given me blood.
"Ch…Christine?"
It hurt so much to talk, but it had to be done. She leaned in, and smiled, running a hand down my cheek.
"Yes, Erik?"
"Wh…Why did you….give blood?"
The only words that would save me now was for her to tell me what I've always wanted to hear. If she said "Because I love you" I would surely die of pure happiness. God! What was I thinking? There I go again! Always wanting what I couldn't have!
"Because…"
God! She was going to say it!
"Because…Because I…."
Yes, yes, say it! Save my soul, Christine!
"Because it was the right thing to do."
The paperclips holding my broken heart together instantly shattered and I felt the other half of my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. "It was the right thing to do?" Right. Exactly why I thought killing my self was "the right thing to do" as well. Tears pushed to my eyes, and I laid there as they streamed down my cheeks.
"Erik? Why are you crying?"
How I wanted to ask for the shard of glass to cut my wrists again. I was hurting, but from the inside. My heart had finally shattered into two pieces and ice was already beginning to freeze what ever kindness I had left within me.
"You think this was an accident?" I growled. "You really think I fell against the mirror and hurt myself?"
"What are you saying?"
"Are you stupid, Christine! Both of my wrists are cut on the vein and you think this was an accident? I did it, Christine! I shattered the mirror and cut my wrists on purpose!"
My throat was to a point where it was killing me, but I didn't want to stop! I was livid and completely mad! Christine had driven me past the point of no return!
"Why?…why do that to yourself?" she was crying, but I showed no emotion what so ever.
"Because I wanted to die! I saw your letter to Raoul, Christine! You will never love me!"
Christine didn't say a word, and cried….but why? Why was she crying.
"I gave you a second chance, and this is what you do! You write to your lover and feed him a bunch of garbage about how you're living with me and cannot love me….Do you know what that's called, Christine? In America we call that someone a "No good Whore."
"I am not a whore, Erik! And yes, I am afraid to love you."
Now she was changing her words! She wouldn't admit to "May not loving me" but admitted that she was afraid to love me…
"Because of my face? Is that it? Is that why you made me this mask? So I wouldn't have to take it off ever again? So you could kiss me and look into the eyes of someone you wanted me to be?" I snapped at her like a poisonous snake.
"Your face frightens me, Erik…..I feel for you within my heart, but when I look at your face, I feel nothing but fear."
"So in all these dreams and fantasies you've been having…am I wearing my mask? Am I fucking you with my mask on….Do you beg me while looking into this mask? Or is it my monstrous face?"
"How dare you! You read my diary!"
"You didn't answer my question!"
"And I will not!"
I tore away my mask, and looked at her, only to see her turn away in fear.
"Would you kiss me now?" I asked with a heavy heart. "Would you beg me to give you my body like this?"
Her eyes slowly turned towards my face, afraid to look.
"Erik….I'm…."
"Christine, this is me…And no matter what you say, no matter what you do….This face will never disappear. I can hide it with a mask, but it will never go away. Oh, Christine…."
I was sobbing into my hands bandaged wrists now. Christine didn't love me, and she never would…..She loved a man I couldn't be….
"You will cause me no more pain." I growled. "I have given you your second chance, and all you did was cause me more pain. I know you will never love me, Christine, for you fear my face…"
"Erik…"
"No! listen to me! You will cause me no more pain, because you are leaving this place."
"No! Erik, please don't mqke me leave. I begged you last night!" she cried. "I begged you to never stop."
"Because I was wearing my mask! I'm not stupid, Christine."
"Then give me one more chance. I can never get used to your face, Erik, because you always hide it from me. Yes, it shocks me, but if you keep it off, I will come to find it natural."
She was on her knees begging me for my forgiveness, but there wasn't any to give. But why give her another chance? My heart couldn't take anymore, and I knew by letting her hurt me again, would only be the death of me….But that's what I wanted didn't I? death! That's all I ever wanted! But why give her a third chance? She had given me blood. If I couldn't spill my seed into her, at least she had spilled some of herself into me….Life! She had given me life, even though life was the last thing I wanted.
"Promise me that you will only wear your mask outside of the flat. Let me get to know you wholly, Erik, face and all….Let me get to love you."
She would never love me, and I knew every time she would look at me, it would only be in fear.
"In time, I know I can overlook your face and love…"
"Do not give me false hope, Christine!" I barked. "For I do not love you…."
Ok, perhaps I lied on the last line, but I was angry….What else was I to say? "Oh yes, Christine, I do love you, and someday, I hope you look upon my hideous face and love it…"
Right…like that would ever happen. My own mother didn't even love me, so why was I to believe Christine ever would?
"I'll get you another drink." she kindly offered with a hint of fear in her voice.
"No, I grow tired. Just leave me alone, Christine."
The blood dripping into my body was making me woozy, and I soon fell into a deep slumber, hoping that when I awoke, Christine would smile at my face, and make love to my aching body….but these were dreams and nothing more….Oh, God, give both Christine and I the strength to carry on and love one another…..
Ok, there was some drama in this chapter, and I would like to thank JudgePhansexy and Phantom Night Rose for the awesome ideas…I know I promised for Erik not to get hurt and such, but sometimes I just can't help myself cause it keeps the story interesting. I promise the fluffy bunnies are coming soon….fluffy adorable bunnies…And by bunnies, I mean chapters… I know you're all waiting for Erik to strip down and make Christine his own, but waiting just makes the story more irresistible. Next chapter will have Raoul/Christine sex reference…Yuck! I know…Christine explaining about her naked fop…I'd leave him too…Ewww… Please review, and thanks again!