That day had thrown everything her parents taught her out the window. Her happiness had been shattered, irreparably. It took her a while to start trusting people again, but she did. Yet, there was always this small sliver of doubt inside her heart, that sliver kept her from being truly happy. She remembered how happy her parents had been together, they were content with being farmers after being chased out of Saint Petersburg. She coughed up more iron blood as the room started to spin, she swore she could smell the cold snow that almost always blanketed her hometown. The snow that always lay in front of their graves in the mountains.
The tears streamed down her cheeks as she knelt in front of the old gravestones. The snow was taking rest in the engravings of the Russian letters. The prayers she knew for the dead came out of her mouth, and even though they were originally in every language, she translated them all to Russian so her parents could understand her. Even after 98 years, she was still worried they wouldn't make it to heaven. They had struggled enough in life, they deserved better.
"I'm all alone now." She whispered softly. "Piotr is presumed dead, Mikhail was dead by the time you two were killed." She barely got the last word out. She still blamed herself, after all this time, for their deaths. The men had come to kidnap her, Piotr was already in America, they tried to fight them off as she ran from their farm house towards the lake, the warm summer air made her shirt cling to her back. Her Mama had instructed to go to her secret spot in one of the caves. Halfway to the lake her Mama screamed out in pain and she turned around to see their house on fire, men approaching her at inhuman speeds. They had killed her parents just to get her.
"Seems like it was just yesterday when you held me in your arms Mama," she said, her emotion spilling out of her, remembering her mother's arms around her, rocking her to sleep one night when the thunder had scared her. The lullabies she had sung to her were the ones she sang to her children when they were growing up.
"There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again, Papa." Her hand ran over the letters in his name, she saw him out in the fields with Piotr while she and her Mama played in the house, she was too young back then to do any real work, but she did what she could. He would always pick her up on his shoulders and carry her down to lake for lunch, she sat there listening to him describe his travels with her uncle. In their youth the two of them had been to every corner of the globe. Yet there was nowhere on earth that her Papa loved more than being with her Mama, and even at the age of 6 she knew that's what she wanted. To be able to love someone so much; that not even the most beautiful place on earth could compare to being with that one person.
"If you could see me now, what would you think of me?" Her greatest fear, not being enough for her parents, no one really knew that because they weren't alive, but she had done so many terrible things in her life that she worried constantly that if she were going to heaven upon her death, even though she was bound to limbo for all eternity, that her parents would reject her for the monster she had become.
"Some days I feel broken inside. The monster takes over and I can't help it. I try being the woman you were teaching me how to be, but," she choked on a sob, "the things I do, even as myself are completely against everything you believed in. I can't even teach my daughter the same things. She hates me, she hates her father; I don't know what to do. Help me, please." She pleaded, the tears stopping as she realized she was talking to shadows, to air, they couldn't tell her what to do, how to show her daughter that she loved her with all her heart. Her daughter was one of the most important people in her life. If she was failing her daughter, surely she was failing everyone else.
"Are you proud of who I am?" She asked the bitter cold as she walked away from the graves.
Her parents, God bless them, we're the kindest people on earth, and as she was growing up she wanted to be just like them when she had children. The blood got caught in her throat as she tried to cough, struggling to breathe, she coughed more and more. Where were her children now? The fact that their father was a God sped up their aging, so they had moved out of the house years ago. She missed the days when she could just hold them in her arms and forget about the rest of the world, focusing only on their tiny breaths.
'I hate you all!' the words echoed in her head as she sat on the couch, sipping her tea. What had they done to anger her? They had tried to be good parents, sure they weren't perfect, but who was? The hot tea scalded her tongue and she cursed in Russian, setting the cup down on the coffee table. Imbued with a newfound sense of strength she walked upstairs to her daughter's room. Opening the locked door with her magic. The teenager bore a striking resemblance to her mother, and their powers were very similar. She was sitting on her bed, facing the wall.
"Kalina," she said softly, "what will make you realize that your father truly does love you?" The teenager didn't turn in response.
"Nothing will." She said adamantly.
"Why not?" She asked, taking a couple hesitant steps towards the bed.
"Because! Enough with 'your father loves you' stuff!" She said as she suddenly sat up, turning to face her mother.
"It's true Kalina." She said softly to her daughter, taking a confident step towards her.
"I don't care!" She yelled out, Illyana's heart started to break as she heard those words come out of her daughter's mouth. When she was a younger she feared she would be a terrible parent. Now all these fears were being brought to light. "You're not good parents! Stop trying to fix that!" Her heart shattered and she looked down sadly at her daughter.
"What, what do you want us to do?" She asked trying to keep her voice even, trying to keep any trace of emotion on the sidelines.
"I don't want you to do anything!" She said with so much hate.
"You just want us to leave you alone?" She asked, walking back towards the door.
"Well no…" she said getting up, walking towards her mother. "I just want you to stop trying to be perfect parents!" She sat back down, utterly confused on what to say to her mother.
"We're not trying to be perfect parents," she said with a sigh, "We just want to help you. We don't want you to make the same mistakes we have, go through the same pain we have. We just want you to be happy." She said as she sat down next to her daughter on the back, rubbing her back.
"I don't want to be happy," she said sadly, "happiness never works out. I was happy for a day, ONE DAY! And now it's gone." Tears welled up in Kalina's eyes and she inhaled sharply.
"Is that what this is about?" She asked sadly. "Happiness comes from within, not from what you have or who you have around. Don't let that affect you." Kalina looked at her mother with a childlike sadness.
"I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for. You're still learning too. I'm not a perfect mother, but I'm trying my hardest, and so is your father." She said as she wrapped her daughter up into a hug.
"I'm still sorry. I'm just really confused. You are perfect parents… you always were." She held onto her mother tightly and she rubbed her back, kissing the top of her head.
Her daughter, her lovely Kalina, the reason why she and her husband had initially gotten together, how she missed that head strong girl who was so much like her. Hopefully she wouldn't endure the same fate she had. The blood continued to choke her slowly, her skin turning pale, pale as snow. They had always told her she was too tan to truly be Russian. The years in limbo had altered her skin color. It wasn't her fault, when she was younger she did look like the snow that covered Baikal.
They stood on the bank of the oldest freshwater lake, looking at the cover of snow that lightly blanketed the surface. His arm was wrapped around her shoulder and she was using his as a pillow. For a while they just stood there, content in the silence and the other's presence. There was nowhere on earth she would rather be, her life was finally looking up and she never wanted this happiness to end. After a while she took his hand and walked with him. Slowly they made their way towards an old house. The snow fell lightly around them and she kissed his cheek.
"I'm glad you're here." She said to him as they walked arm in arm.
"I'm glad you brought me here." He said with a smile and she got an idea. She bent down, grabbing some snow and formed it into a ball. "Oh you wouldn't." He said, taking a couple steps away from her, she smirked and threw the first ball at him.
"But I would." She grinned as he got hit and then started running, he bent down to pick up some snow and made a couple snowballs then started launching them at her, their combined laughter filling the air. For every snowball she made with her own hands, he made three with his magic. Their throws were almost always on target, at least to where the other used to be standing, with the fast reflexes that fighting awarded both of them, they were rarely hit. He was standing out in the open, while she was hiding behind a tree. He walked around to where she was and threw some at her point blank, he was happy, and so was she. "Are you alright?" She asked shortly after a snowball hit him straight in the face. He brushed off the snow on his face, apparently unaffected.
"Never better." He said as he walked up to her, smashing on top of her blonde hair. A tiny shriek escaped her lips as her hand smushed the last snowball right into his face. He leaned down and kissed her briefly, making her head spin and dizzy with excitement, then his strong arms were around her waist and she was hoisted off the ground and lifted onto his back. The snow crunched beneath his feet as he carried her over to a nearby snow bank, she squirmed in his arms as she figured out what he was doing, but his arms just held her tight. She begged him to let her go, but he just kept on walking until they reached the bank. "I love you, Illyana." He said as he threw her in, the snow acted like a cushion as she screamed out playfully, the cold invading her bones.
"You'll pay for that." She muttered as she brushed the snow off her clothes, he offered his hand to her and she pulled him in with her, kissing him softly. He smiled and held her close in the snow.
Those days with Loki were the days that she felt alive, felt like there was nothing she couldn't do. There were times when she wanted to slap him for the things he did. Yet she couldn't, well she could but she didn't like to. Her body slowly slid to the side, falling over as she lost control of it, suffocating from the lack of air.
She was pacing around the living room of the large house when she heard footsteps. She stopped moving to listen to them. They were soft, light, and hurried. They rushed down the stairs, snaking through the kitchen and into the living room. Suddenly there was a body on her, arms wrapped her neck and a tuft off brown hair was visible from the corner and she laughed, spinning around. The boy latched onto her back laughed loudly and started poking her should.
"ILLY GUESS WHAT?!" He said excitedly. She smiled at him
"What Ty?" She asked.
"LOKI LET ME USE THE SCEPTER AGAIN!" He said with a devious grin, she groaned aloud and shook her head; they would need to have a talk about that later. "HE SAID I CAN USE IT TO KILL THE NEIGHBORHOOD RACOONS!" He said laughing. "Do you know what Utopia is?" He asked, his young voice growing serious. His brow was furrowed and he hugged her neck tighter.
"Utopia is the perfect place." She explained plainly while giving him a piggyback ride around the first floor.
"Perfect? I never thought a place like that existed Illy!" He said and his legs wrapped around her stomach, holding on tightly to her. She nimbly ran up the stairs with him on her back, a smile on her face.
"Technically it can't, but that hasn't stopped people from trying." He looked down at the stairs, unwittingly tightening his grip on her, afraid to fall.
"What does Utopia do?" He asked her, she stopped for a second to think.
"Shall I give you the real definition, or the one I think you'd like?" He smiled widely.
"Both!" She laughed and nodded.
"Let's start with the one you'd like. What a Utopia does is keep people safe, gives everyone complete happiness, nothing is needed nor wasted. Everything is in harmony. There's no hate or violence."
"Wow… I want to go there Illy. It seems like the definition of heaven." He mused, resting his chin on her shoulder. She reached out her hand and ruffled his hair, he laughed. "Can everyone go there?" She laughed, thinking up a witty response.
"If you take showers." He narrowed his eyes and groaned.
"Are you trying to say I don't take showers, Illy?" She laughed and rolled her eyes.
"Considering the first time I met you; Dom was trying to get you to take a shower and you refused, yes." He smiled.
"Well I do… occasionally. When I smell really bad," a smirk appeared on his face, "so what's the 'real definition' of this Utopia place?"
"A lie." She said plainly.
"Really now?" He asked then smiled his signature half smile. "And you seem in a really good mood!"
"You'll understand when you're older, and I am in a good mood." She said with a smile, as she spun him around in a circle.
"That's great! And Illy…" he said crossing his eyes and laughing, "I think I'm flying." She smiled and laughed, continuing to spin him around.
"Ask Robert if you actually want to fly." He raised an eyebrow and stared at her.
"Robert? Can he fly?" Then he pulled himself away from her and stared up at her with bright eyes. "Oh my gosh… ILLY! YOU'RE SMILING… AND LAUGHING!" She put him down, her smile growing.
"Yes he can. It's wonderful. And what's wrong with smiling and laughing? He stood on his toes and tilted his head, staring her down. She half expected for him to ask where Illy had gone.
"Nothing! IT'S PERFECT! I just haven't seen you smile in a while… that's all!" She smiled more.
"It has been a while." He smiled.
"A very long while." She picked him up and smirked.
"Let's go kill some raccoons."
"Hell yeah!" He yelled as she carried him outside.