Tyler was one of her few friends, he knew her better than most people, despite being a child. She hadn't known him for long though. As she gasped for breath she hoped he was happy. He was the craziest child she had ever known, and her children were crazy. The first time she had met him was with Dom right after she had been with her and Clint Barton. Clint was a close friend; someone who was always happy, even when things had gone terribly wrong. He was the perpetual optimist, from her point of view; of course his fatal flaws were his brother and Natasha.
The heart monitor beat steadily, like his condition was somehow going to change, she thought to herself as she held the balloon and stuffed bear. The balloon had originally said get better, but she had crossed it out, writing we miss you instead. Next to bed the chair had been pulled out, Barney she thought. He had told her he had just been there. A small sigh left her lips as she sat down next to her comatose friend.
"Hi Clint," she said with a sad laugh, "it's Illy. I know you can't hear me. Barney told me he was here earlier, he told me what he said and, I guess." She said closing her eyes for a second. "I guess that's why I'm here as well. I miss you Tweety. You've been my friend for as long as I can remember. You were still there when I divorced Barney and married Loki. You've been there for me since the beginning, and this is me saying I'm here for you." A tear rolled down her cheek as she looked at how helpless he seemed. "Get better Tweety, we miss you so much. I know Nat didn't mean to shoot you. Something's up with her." She wiped the tear away, still self-conscious about showing weakness. "I talked to Loki, just for you, to see if there was anything we could do to make you better, but we're both drawing blank. So, I'm sorry Tweety, I wish I could be more of a friend." She laughed softly, pretending she could hear him, the pain really was getting to her, she sighed deeply.
"Ty misses you, a lot. Hell, I miss you a lot. Come back Tweety. Please, we all need you." She stood up and did the sign of the cross, praying for him before starting to walk out before she thought she heard something, but it was just the machines. For some reason she decided to walk back over to the chair and sat down, pulling her knees into her chest. She felt the need to unload to him, even though he couldn't hear her. "Loki threatened to kill everyone I love, excluding you. I told him that he would be a coward if he killed you while you were in a coma." He wouldn't do that she could practically hear her conscious say, "He said he would kill Jon and Kalina. He told me he loved them but that the hate he has for me overshadows that love." A tear ran down her cheek as she looked at him. All the healing powers she had, Robert had, Loki had, and they couldn't help him. His mind was lost in his body and they needed his mind to help him.
"Come back soon." She said as she left the room once more, a deep sadness trickling through her cold heart.
That day was ground breaking. She couldn't even help her friend. Her powers had limits, and bringing someone out of a coma was outside of what she could do. Watching him lie there made her realize she couldn't fix everything in her life, no matter what. She wouldn't be able to help everyone or make everyone happy. But she sure as hell would try, even if that meant sacrificing her own happiness. Her happiness wasn't a main priority of hers. It never had been.
Their conversation had started with a happy subject, not that she would remember it now as her heart cried out in pain, her face did not share the pain her heart did though. A fake, forced, but seemingly genuine smile was plastered on her face as she talked to the brunette standing across from her. Her brown eyes sparkled as they talked about the man they both loved, though she adamantly denied still loving him although she would never stop loving him. He was not someone she could ever get over. Most of her life had been spent with him and her had run away with her heart. She snapped out of her trance just in time to respond without making it seem awkward.
"He loves you Peggy. You can rekindle your love with him. It's possible, trust me." She said, not really sure if it connected to their previous conversation, but not caring. She needed to say that. Say it and be done with it.
"As is what you had! Please, don't make this harder. You can love him more than I can." Peggy said with a trace of sadness.
"I understand." She said softly. I understand, how does that even fit in? She really was losing it. "But, Peggy, I won't, I wont. I don't tear people apart." She said, trying to keep anger out of her voice. "I won't do that."
"I did it and I regret it with my whole heart. Now it's time for those two to mend, and their destructor to know how it feels." She shook her head and held back a sad laugh.
"No, I won't that happen Peggy. I won't I would never wish that pain on someone. And I won't let you feel it. I will not." She said, turning to leave, wishing to put an end to the painful conversation she knew was coming.
"It's alright, Illyana. I'll be fine." Peggy said taking a step forward and putting her hand on Illyana's shoulder. She shrugged her hand off, trying not to be rude.
"Will you really?" She asked, trying to get the answer out of Peggy that she knew was in there.
"I-I don't know." Success she said sadly to herself.
"Exactly. So take him. Keep him happy. Make yourself happy." Illyana said, still facing away from the other woman
"That is your job." Peggy said, she really was persistent, and that was really starting to affect Illyana, she just wanted this to be over with. It's not like she didn't see all of this coming. Ever since Peggy had reappeared with Loki's daughter, she felt a bit worried, wondering when it would finally happen, so she prepared herself, but she didn't expect it to hurt this much. No, this pain was brand new. Something she had never felt before.
"Not if you are going to be hurting." She said somewhat bitterly. It was customary for her to put others before herself, that's what they had taught her in limbo, 'no one cares for a demon.' That was the motto they had ingrained in her mind.
"Of course I'll hurt." She said plainly and she hand to clench her fist to keep from turning around and telling Peggy that she didn't want Loki back, a monumental lie, but one that needed to be told for Peggy's happiness.
"I told him to keep you." She said softly. Not wanting to say more.
"What? Why…?" Peggy asked trying to turn her around.
"Because..." She took a deep breath, "you deserve him."
"So do you." Peggy said as the words slowly ate away at her heart. The pain was becoming too much for her to handle, she needed to get out of there as fast.
"Not as much as you." She said itching for the door.
"I know that isn't true." Peggy said, prolonging the conversation.
"It is Peggy." She said, she would say anything to get out of there, hell she would even agree to take Loki back if that got Peggy to stop, but she knew it wouldn't.
"Illyana!" Peggy said in disbelief.
"Peggy it's true!" She yelled over her shoulder as she burst out the door and into the cold rain, catching the first cab she could, going God knows where.
The rain would probably feel so nice on her burning skin. A little fall couldn't hurt her now, could it? Water in general would be a relief to her. Being submerged in it, maybe it would clear the blood in her throat, but she would probably drown from being so weak. It was a hard choice, choke on her blood, or water. But she didn't actually have that choice. She had to suffer, in her own bed.
Her life had been long and sad; on several occasions she had tried to end it. Sometimes it had worked and she spent a long time in limbo, resting before her magic brought her back to earth and she was forced to live again. Other times the people closest to her stopped her. Those times made her feel embarrassed as she sat in front of them healing. That day she had locked her magic out and she was forced to get on a plane from Siberia to New York, just to be healed. The cuts and bruises made everyone look at her, it was easier to hide the burn marks on her hands, but in the end she was standing in front of his house, her hand ready to knock on the door when he opened the door.
"I kind of need your help." She said softly, he looked startled, clearly not expecting to see her. "Trust me, if I didn't have to be here, I wouldn't be." He held his hands up in the air.
"Fair enough. What are you doing here?" He asked, opening the door slightly for her, she stepped inside and looked at him tentatively.
"I need you to restore my magic. I might've locked it out." He locked his jaw and swallowed hard, causing her to look away.
"And why should I assist you?" She inhaled sharply.
"You don't have to. I just came to you first. I can go elsewhere." She said quietly and his expression softened.
"Of course not. Come here." He said with a small smile. She walked towards him slowly, but then she stopped and turned around, thinking it better to go to Giovanni Stark instead, but he grabbed her arm gently. "Don't be so quick to judge. I never said I wouldn't help you." She gently moved her arm out of his hand; a small groan of pain escaped her lips and his eyes looked at hers. "If you think I am letting you leave like this, you are sorely mistaken."
"I've been in worse shape, and you know that. I'll be fine." He shook his head.
"Which is why I do not mind in the slightest. Sit." He told her and she sat defeated. "Now, tell me what is exactly wrong so I can pinpoint the problem." She heaved a heavy sigh before the words came out.
"I locked my magic out of my body so I could," she stopped and mumbled the last word, "drown." He looked at her with shock. "All that matters is I locked it out so I couldn't use it." He nodded not pushing it further. She smiled sadly and he sat down next to her.
"You will have to trust me." He said and she tried not to laugh, she always trusted him, no matter what happened between them. He put his hand on top of hers. "I don't hate you Illyana. I hope someday we can be like we used to be." She nodded and sighed.
"I wish we could too. But…" She trailed off.
"I just don't want to go on forever hating each other. We have been through too much for that. We know each other better than – well now I am babbling."
"I don't mind the babbling." She said softly as she leaned forward to kiss him, hoping he would transfer magic through the kiss, she felt him kiss back and she could tell his heart was melting, just like hers, but he pulled back once the transfer was done.
"Illyana… we can't- " She nodded sadly, using his magic to unlock her own, the wounds healing themselves.
"I know." She said as she reached out to touch his cheek. "Just know I have never hated you. How could I?" She stood up, on the brink of tears. "It was nice seeing you." He smiled weakly.
"Stop by anytime love. I miss you." She smiled sadly nodding even though she probably wouldn't.
"I miss you too." He smiled genuinely.
"I always love seeing you. I lo-" He stopped himself and she had to nod in understanding.
"I know, and I do too." She bit the inside of her lip to keep the tears in while she spoke the words that were nails in her coffin. "I told you forever was a long time."
"Illyana… You're broken. You're hurting. I can see that. Anyone with eyes can see that. And I know it is because of me, and that itself kills more than anything. I care about you Illyana, still." He said softly, but she was already gone. What was she supposed to do? Pretend nothing had happened? That she was happy? Because she wasn't, she had blown up limbo, almost drowned and put a target on her back because she wasn't thinking straight. All of her rational thoughts were gone, she didn't care what happened; she just wanted the pain to be gone.
No matter whom she was with, she always ended up on the heartbroken side. It seemed to be her curse. Everyone always found someone better than her; even when they had promised to stick around for all eternity. Those promises meant absolutely nothing anymore to her as she was dying, completely alone. Where were they now? Gone, of course, happy with the women who were better than her, while she choked to death. So fitting, she thought.
'I'll be here forever.' The voice in her head mocked as she remembered his arms wrapping around her, promising to never let her go. Never in a million years could she have imagined he would break that promise, but he had. He had left. 'I promise,' he had said. 'And that's a promise I intend to keep.' He said as he kissed her cheek. She had finally felt somewhat whole again. Less than two months later she had run into her "friend." Carol. She was all smiles and laughs, unlike her because she was usually so "depressed" and "heartbroken" after losing her latest man. They started talking and Carol said she had a new man. Feigning interest she asked, and that's when she said it. 'Howard Stark…' It her like a ton of bricks and she had to nod and pretend to be happy for her. Within hours she had packed up all of her stuff and left without even saying goodbye. For several months she avoided all contact with him, not able to keep Carol away; she ended up hearing every single detail of their whirlwind romance, a romance that eerily reminded her of her own. One that she wasn't able to forget. Then one morning she ran into him. She tried to stay away from him but he ran after her,
"I'm going to be a good friend. Not the jealous ex. Don't worry, I won't try to ruin your relationship." She said bitterly, holding the tears at bay.
"Thank you, Illy." He said simply, shattering her heart as they instinctively walked towards his house.
"She's been through a lot. I don't want her to get hurt." She said, lying through her teeth. She could care less what happened to Carol's heart.
"She won't. And you can definitely blame me if she does." He said reaching his hand out to help her with the bags she was carrying.
"I will." She said very plainly, not looking him in the eyes, he wouldn't get to see the hurt she was feeling. They walked in silence until they reached his heart, she used her magic to open the door and for once she felt like things were okay.
"I'm still sorry." He said as he gave her a cup of tea and sat down with her on the couch. Hesitantly her hand reached out and stroked his cheek lightly.
"Howard, you're a good man. You're bound to make women fall in love with you. You can't love every one of them." He didn't say anything, just sighed at her touched and she could read the thoughts he was unintentionally thinking, he thought about how much he missed her tender touch. She kept her mouth shut and blinked back tears. She let out a sad sigh and ran her hand through her hair and he began thinking of all the times they spent together. "I remember those times too." She said sadly. And soon his thoughts turned to how terribly he felt about breaking his promise to her. A single tear fell down her cheek. "It wasn't your fault." He bit back tears of his own, the emotion in his voice threatening to crack.
"It is my fault, Illyana. It has always been my fault. I'm so sorry." She shook her head; she wouldn't let him take the fall for what happened.
"It wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing." His arms wrapped around her and her heart threatened to explode as he held her close.
"I…Illy" he said resting his head on top of hers, his thoughts flooding with three words 'I love you' that's what he wanted to tell her, but he couldn't.
"Love her." She finished for him. He looked into her eyes and lifted up her chin.
"I have to get over you. It's just so hard. I love you. But I want to love her. I have to love her." Her heart shattered into a million tiny pieces as half of her tried to tell him to love her, while half of her told him to follow her heart, she just gave up instead. He pulled her closer to him.
"I'm only going to offer this, partly because Carol wants me to, and partly because I know how much pain you're in. If you want me to, I can wipe all your memories of me. All of them. Including what's happening right now. He dropped his arms and looked at her, complete shock written on his face. She leaned up and kissed him, transferring magic through the kiss, erasing his memories of her. The tears fell down her cheeks and slowly he started to forget everything.
"Who the hell are you?" He asked her as he pulled away from the kiss, tears were streaming down his own cheeks.
"No one," she choked out and got up. "Goodbye." She said shakily. He watched her walk away as more tears streamed down her cheeks.
"Okay.. well. Bye." He said somewhat unsure of himself. The tears streamed down her cheek but she told herself it was for the best. "But wait! Are you okay?" There was the caring man she had loved. She turned around, lying to his face.
"Perfectly fine!" She called back to him and walked away. Of course since she had the worst luck in the world, she ran into Carol on the way home, quickly she wiped the tears from her face, but then realized. Carol didn't care. Carol only cared about Carol. They made idle small chat before Carol called out to her as she walked away, not wanting to talk about Howard.
"Howard." She said with her smile that didn't notice a thing. "He's going to propose! Tonight I believe!" She laughed giddily and Illyana walked away, her heart completely shattered. She thought up so many comments to respond with, but Carol wasn't worth her time so she just walked away.