Edward keeps his distance from Bella in an effort to prepare them both for the coming separation and to keep himself from changing his mind about leaving. The other Cullens leave Forks, and Carlisle and Edward have a discussion about his choice.

Songs for this chapter: The Mess I Made by Parachutes and Save You by Matthew Perryman Jones

Chapter 3- Distancing

I had only been back in Bella's room for just over an hour when she woke up. The last hour of her sleep had been just as restless as the others I had witnessed the night before. My face was a smooth mask of indifference as I gave her a soft kiss on the head and left her house to change before we went to school. I hadn't bothered to clean myself up while I was home because I didn't want Bella to realize I'd left. She was anxious and tired enough (with good reason) without having to worry about what I'd been up to while she slept.

Esme and Rosalie were finishing the last of their packing whenever I arrived back home to change. All of the furniture, artwork and other large items would be staying behind, at least for now. We had many houses all over the world and each of them were fully furnished so everyone could travel lightly. Being able to leave home at a moment's notice was essential to our way of life, after all. Alice and Jasper had already gone to Denali and Carlisle was at the hospital meeting with Dr. Gerandy about his new job. I went up to my room after giving Esme a quick kiss, but I ignored Rosalie completely.

I dressed without paying much attention to what I was wearing and paused to look around my room. I thought of all the time Bella and I had spent here over the summer, talking about a million different things, listening to the sound of her laughter, holding her close on the big couch in my room. I glanced over at my massive music collection, thinking of the songs we used to listen to together, and all the little things we had learned about each other over the last 6 months. My time in Forks had been the happiest of my life, and it was because of her. I thought of how well she had fit in with my family, how complete I felt when I was with her. How in the hell was I going to do this?

I hated being away from Bella for a few hours at a time. It made me feel like I couldn't breathe when I thought of never being with her again. I sank onto my knees in the floor, the dire panic flooding through me in waves. I had to pull myself together fast, though. I would have to compose myself before I made it to school.

"Are you sure about this kid," Emmett said quietly, startling me as he came up behind me. I was so lost in my pain that I didn't hear him coming.

"I have to be," I replied sternly as I stood up. "I have to do what's right for her. As much as I want to be with her, last night made me realize I can't be, so I have to let her go." Emmett nodded but he didn't reply.

"I also have to get to school," I said curtly, pushing past him and running out the door.

I arrived in the parking lot of Forks High School just before Bella did. I watched as she parked her rusty old truck next to the Volvo. There were circles under her eyes from a lack of sleep and her face was pale and nervous.

"How's your arm?" I asked her as I opened the door of her truck.

"Its fine," she lied, her eyes not meeting mine as we walked in silence to our first class. I could tell by the way she was biting into her lower lip that she wanted to ask me a million different questions, but she refrained from doing so. She knew something was terribly wrong and was afraid to press me for more information.

The morning passed in a haze of pain for me as I sat beside her, desperate to reach out and touch her, to talk to her, but I knew I couldn't. I had to keep my distance to prepare us both for what was coming. If I got too close to her now, if I kissed her, or tried to make conversation, I would slip and ruin everything. If I allowed myself a single moment of vulnerability in her presence I would not be able to follow through with this. Finally, at lunch, Bella broke the silence.

"Where's Alice," she asked me anxiously as we sat down at our usual table. I didn't look at her as I crushed a piece of tasteless human food with my fingers.

"Alice is with Jasper," I replied coolly, still not meeting her eyes.
She questioned me further about Jasper's well-being, and I told her the truth about Alice and Jasper going to Denali. She was quiet after that, but I could tell she was thinking of Alice. She wanted to talk to Alice about what had happened last night. I was glad I had insisted that Alice not see Bella again before we left. Bella's shoulders slumped and a look of pain crossed her face a few moments later.

"Does your arm hurt," I asked her, knowing she wouldn't admit it. Her denial was angry, confirming my suspicions.

The silence was driving us both crazy by the time the school day ended, and I was surprised when she broke it by asking me if I would come over later. I had planned to follow her home that evening so we could talk. Then she reminded me that she had to work for the next two afternoons. So our conversation would have to wait a couple of more days. Charlie was always around by the time Bella got off from work so there would be no chance for me to talk to her without his interference. Charlie would complicate matters too much. I agreed reluctantly to stop by the house that evening after she got off work, but I had no intention of staying. I had to keep my distance until it was all over.

After school, when Bella was working, I went home to find that my father was the only one who was still at home. He was in his study as usual, packing up some of his favorite books to take with him to Tanya's. He had given the hospital chief of staff his resignation letter along with the LA story and he was headed to Denali to be with the others.

"You haven't talked to Bella yet," Carlisle said in a quiet voice. It wasn't a question or an accusation. "Is there a reason that you're waiting? It's not too late to change your mind."

"I haven't changed my mind, nor am I going to," I said stubbornly. He had talked to Alice on the phone today about us and he was thinking of her visions of Bella's pain, and of my own agony. I winced at the thought of the tears I knew she would shed for me, but once again I comforted myself with the idea that her pain would be temporary. It was better for her to be sad for a little while than to be condemned to an eternity of night.

Carlisle frowned slightly before he composed himself physically and mentally. "It's your choice, Edward, but Alice has seen how this will impact you both; how it will affect all of us. I just hope you've thought this through carefully."

"I have," I replied simply. "It's the only choice I could make. I will love her as long as I walk this earth, and so I have to do this for her sake."

"And what about the rest of the family," Carlisle replied in an unusually passionate voice, his normally patient demeanor vanishing. "How are you going to cope with this alone; Alice has seen that you won't be going with us to Ithaca and Esme…" he stopped and sighed, worrying over the impact my departure would have on her.

I winced as he thought of what my leaving the family would do to my mother. Alice had seen how hurt she was going to be when I didn't go with them. I had already decided what I had to do after I left Forks.

"I am going to join you all in Denali after I tell Bella..." I broke off, unable to continue as I thought again of the painful conversation to come. "So I will talk to Esme when I get there." I really had no choice but to go to Denali. There was someone I needed to talk to there who could give me information that would be beneficial to my plans for the bleak future.

Carlisle just nodded, composing himself again. He still didn't agree with my choice, thinking that this decision was going to cost me a whole lot more than my Bella. Alice's vision of Bella with cold hard skin and blood red eyes flashed through his mind again. I tried to stay calm; this might be the last time Carlisle and I had a private conversation for a very long time, and I didn't want to spend these final moments arguing with him. He hesitated briefly, and I answered his unspoken question.

"I don't regret the life you gave me at all," I replied softly. "But, my situation was different. I was dying, and she has her whole life ahead of her." I paused to look deeply into my father's eyes, willing him to feel the sincerity in my words.

"I am grateful for what you did for me. If it weren't for you, I never would have met Bella in the first place, and no matter what my future holds, I would have traded my soul a thousand times for one day of loving her." My voice broke on the last word.

"If I believed that in changing you, I was sacrificing your soul, I never would have done it," Carlisle argued intensely. Unlike me, he still believed our kind could go to heaven. "But you're right about your life," Carlisle went on, "your human life was at an end anyway, and Bella's is not. I understand why you don't want to take anything from her, but what if taking yourself away from her is the greatest thing you will ever deprive her of? The one thing she can't live without?"

"She will be safer without me and happier too in the long run," I replied automatically, dismissing his words quickly. He and Esme were so blind when it came to me! They both saw me as this wonderful, perfect son that had so much to offer a mate. It was probably true that I could be good enough for one of our kind, but not for Bella. She had always been too good for me, and I was the only one objective enough to see things clearly.

Carlisle nodded again, and he saw that I wouldn't be dissuaded from my choice. He walked out from behind his desk and embraced me.

"I love you son," he said softly. "And I will stand behind you no matter what, so if you change your mind and decide to come back to Forks, I'll be right behind you, and so will the others."

I went for a run after I saw Carlisle off that afternoon. I ran without joy, and without paying attention to where I was going.

I wound up in a beautiful circular clearing of tall grass; our meadow. I remembered that special first day we'd spent here, when I showed her my skin in the sun for the first time; how she had accepted me for who I was without a thought for her own safety. It was here that we'd first declared our love for each other. This place would always be so precious and so magical to me. I sat down in the middle of the circle on the wet grass, not moving for a long time and crying tearlessly as I remembered her words from that day; she'd told me she'd rather die than stay away from me. I hoped that wasn't true.

As I sat there, I thought of other journeys we'd made into the forest, too. I remembered all those summer evenings when I would run with Bella on my back; the exhilarating speed combined with the warmth of her arms made me euphoric. She'd been afraid the first time I'd ran with her, but she had come to enjoy the experience just as much as I had.

I was waiting for Bella at Charlie's when she arrived home after her shift at Newton's. Charlie and I were watching ESPN when she came into the living room. She looked even more exhausted and worried than before. She excused herself to eat something in the kitchen and returned a few minutes later with the camera she'd gotten for her birthday. I tried to smile as Charlie took a photo of the two of us together a few minutes later. Bella's demeanor was just as tense as mine was, and so I had to remind her to smile too. She knew something terrible was coming; she could feel it, but I was grateful that she never tried to push me for answers. I was also shocked; it wasn't like Bella to be so complacent.

I could tell she was upset when I didn't stay with her that night, but I couldn't bear it. I couldn't stand to hold her, knowing that it would just hurt her all the more when I had to let go. And, I was also afraid that if I stayed with her tonight, I would find a way to talk myself out of leaving. I couldn't give in that way.

As I drove home that night, I wondered again what Bella was thinking and why she hadn't pressed me for answers before now. I wished for the millionth time that I could hear her thoughts as I pulled into the driveway of my now vacant home. What kind of conclusions was she drawing? Was she just trying to give me time to calm down, or did she suspect what I was planning?

No, she couldn't see what was coming; otherwise she would have confronted me. She couldn't possibly know I was leaving…

Or did she? And then another idea occurred to me… Bella did suspect I was leaving, only…

She thought I was taking her with me.

The pain overtook me again and I hung my head in my hands. I was suddenly sure she assumed after what had happened with Jasper that I'd decided she and I should go off on our own. She thought I was upset because I was going to be away from my family. It had never dawned on her that I would go anywhere without her. Because I had told her time and again that I couldn't live without her. She would see through me right away when I tried to convince her I didn't love her, I was sure of it. She would never believe me. This was never going to work.