This is Edward's side of The End where he tells Bella goodbye, how he copes with the immediate aftermath and his plans to search for Victoria. I have used some dialog from New Moon out of necessity, and so I want to reiterate that the Twilight Saga is the property of Stephenie Meyer. I thought of a song that reminded me of both Edward and Bella that I thought was appropriate for this chapter. It's called "Do what you have to do" by Sarah McLachlan.
Do What You Have to Do by Sarah McLachlan
What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do ...
And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how
To let you go
I dont know how
To let you go
A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I dont know how to let you go
I dont know how to let you go
Chapter 4-Devastation (Edward's side of "the end")
I expected Bella to question me the next day about why I didn't stay with her the night before, but she didn't, and I was grateful. I could tell by her pallid skin and the dark circles under her eyes that she hadn't slept, and the anxious look on her face made my heart ache with sadness. I realized she was already hurting because of the distance between us.
Was I doing the right thing? I struggled with myself all day, but rather than losing my control, I found to my surprise that the preoccupation made it easier for me to keep from slipping. I didn't kiss her or hold her hand, or even look at her, because I knew if I so much as glanced into her eyes I would never be able to go. The pain reminded me of the time I'd spent trying to ignore her after the accident with Tyler Crowley's van, but it was so much worse because of how much my love for her had grown since then. The deafening silence continued for the rest of the day, and I made it through the whole afternoon without looking at her or touching her.
I maintained my silence as I walked her to her truck after school, but I was desperate to take her in my arms and tell her how much I loved her; to reassure her; to kiss her. But, I could not do any of those things because of what was coming. I couldn't catch my breath as I watched her drive away, thinking of the sacrilegious words I was afraid I was going to have to say to her when I left.
I did not call Bella, nor did I go to her house that evening after her shift at Newton's ended. She didn't bother to call me either, so she obviously thought that I needed space, or that I was spending time with my family because I was preparing to leave. Again, I was sure she would assume I was taking her with me when I broke the news of my departure tomorrow. If I could read her mind, it might make it easier for me to come up with the most effective lie about why I was leaving.
I spent the evening packing and planning for my future, wondering what she was thinking and if she would get any sleep tonight (I doubted that she would). While I was going through my closet, I ran across my beige leather jacket and marveled at how it still smelled like her even though it had been awhile since she'd worn it. I inhaled her scent, my throat burning with a painful emotion that was far more powerful than my thirst for her blood had ever been. I reached into the inside pocket and pulled out the lid from her lemonade bottle I'd kept from that first day she'd had lunch with me. It was ridiculously childish to hold on to something so trivial, but I kept it anyway. I put it back in my coat pocket and continued to look through the rest of my keepsakes.
I read some notes she had written me, some of them just mundane conversations we'd had in class, a few others that were sentimental and signed with love, including a birthday card from the previous summer. My human birthday was in June, and although I hadn't celebrated it in years, she had remembered the date and surprised me with the card. I sank down on the sofa in my room with my head in my hands. Once again, I couldn't breathe. Eventually, I pulled myself together and I packed all of the notes and the jacket in a small duffel bag. I would hold on to those tokens of her love long after her feelings for me had diminished.
Bella looked exhausted when she met me in the parking lot at school the next morning. I tried to keep my face calm and indifferent; it was essential for me to do so. This was the last day we would ever be together and my desire to hold her in my arms and kiss her was stronger than ever. It was torture to walk beside her all day without talking or touching, but it would all be over soon enough. If I were capable of vomiting, I would have been sick as I thought of telling her goodbye.
"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked her in an offhand voice as I walked her to her truck after school. I looked at her face intently for the first time that day and saw a flicker of relief in her eyes that made me want to die where I stood.
"Of course not," she replied, her voice more hopeful than it had been since our last night together. I had to look away from her to keep my composure.
"Now?" I asked her quickly, averting my stinging, dry eyes from her face as I opened her door.
"Sure," she replied, and the hope in her voice was gone now. She heard the urgency in my tone and she knew something was terribly wrong. I could sense her anxiety but she was trying to stay calm. "I was just going to drop off this letter to Renee in the mailbox on the way, but I'll meet you there."
An idea suddenly occurred to me. There was something that I needed to do before I left her. I grabbed the thick envelope from the seat of her truck.
"I'll do it," I said quietly, turning to face her with a phony smile plastered on my face. "And I'll still beat you home." That was the plan.
"Okay," she agreed without returning my smile. She was getting more anxious by the minute. I had to get this over with.
I stuck a phony PS to Renee I forged in a perfect imitation of Bella's handwriting asking her to visit soon. Bella was going to need her mother more than ever when this was over and I hoped that Renee would try to convince Bella to go to Jacksonville with her. I mailed the letter in a flash and managed to arrive at her house 3 minutes after I
left the school.
I parked the Volvo in Charlie's usual spot and climbed quickly through her bedroom window. I took the silver CD I had given her for her birthday out of the CD player and returned it to the case. Next, I found the scrapbook on the floor beside her bed. I opened it and found the photos I was looking for on the first page. She had folded the picture of the two of us together in half, hiding her face from view.
Why would she do that? I wondered. Her face was too beautiful to ever be hidden. I removed the pictures from the album and put Renee's gift back where I found it as I stuffed the photos and the CD into the pocket of my jacket. I noticed the plane ticket vouchers on her desk, and I took those as well. It would be easier for her to heal if she didn't have these tangible reminders of me to haunt her.
But then I thought of the notes and the jacket that I would always have as cherished tokens of the time we shared together and I reconsidered the idea of taking her things. I decided I needed to leave her something to remember me by. So, I hid the pictures, the tickets, and the CD under a loose floorboard in the middle of her room. Perhaps when her heart had healed, she would find them someday and think fondly of me. I pictured a much older Bella finding these mementos and smiling…
Images of the life she would have without me flashed quickly before my eyes again; her graduation from high school, then college... Bella dressed all in white as Charlie walked her down the aisle, her face glowing with happiness. But this time I saw myself waiting for her at the end of that aisle, and a second later I pictured a little girl with bronze hair and Bella's eyes curled up in my arms. I tore myself away from these unattainable visions; I'm a monster, not a man! Bella could never marry me; and having a child with her was biologically impossible. I had to let her go so she could have the life she deserved!
I suddenly realized that I didn't want to say goodbye to her in the house. It would be better if we went somewhere else. I couldn't lie to her in a place so full of happy memories. It was here that I'd listened to her dreaming of me, where she'd first told me she loved me; where I held her and kissed her for the last time. I wouldn't taint those perfect moments with the vile things I would have to say to her now. Bella would be home in a minute; I could hear her noisy truck and she was only a mile from the house now. With one last glance around the room, I rushed down the stairs and forged another note in an excellent imitation of her untidy handwriting for Charlie to find.
"Going for a walk with Edward, up the path, back soon-B" Then I went back outside to wait for her in my car.
I approached Bella's truck as she got out and I took her book bag like I always did, but instead of carrying it into the house for her, I tossed it back onto the seat of the truck. This seemingly small gesture seemed to make her even more nervous than she already was. I swallowed hard and composed my face into the unemotional mask I had perfected out of necessity. Lying was an essential part of my immortal life; a survival skill I had mastered over 80 years ago.
"Come for a walk with me," I asked her in a dull voice as I took her hand. I tried not to think about how much I would miss the warm feel of it as I led her toward the forest.
I could feel the panic in her reluctant steps as I practically dragged her into the trees. The aching in my chest nearly overwhelmed me and again I was glad I couldn't cry or vomit. But, then again, if I were human enough to do those things, none of this would be happening. I stopped walking just as we reached the trail. I leaned against a tree for support, staring unseeingly at her pale and frightened face.
"Okay, let's talk," she said in a voice that suggested she was using all of her considerable courage to speak. I felt as though my lungs had left my body, and it took all of my strength to take a deep breath.
"Bella, we're leaving," I said in a cold, flat voice that didn't seem to belong to me.
She looked at me with that familiar bewildered frown, and I suspected what she was thinking even though I couldn't read her mind.
"Why now?" she asked, her forehead still creased. "Another year-"
And I knew then that my theory was correct; she thought we were leaving together. It never occurred to her that I would leave her behind. I had told her thousands of times that I couldn't live without her. Despair ripped through my entire body, but I kept my face cold and distant. I had to do this for her! I had to let her go to save her!
"Bella, its time," I went on before she would have time to notice any of my agonized hesitation. "How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for 30 and he's claiming 33 now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." My face was still a mask of indifference even though my insides felt like they were on fire. It reminded me of my transformation, but this was far more painful than the venom that had stopped my heart nearly a century ago.
Her confused expression became more pronounced for a moment before the meaning behind my words started to sink in. Her eyes were wide with horror and her face turned deathly white as she struggled to catch her breath. For a moment, I thought she was going to be sick. Unlike me, she was human enough to react that way.
"When you say we-," she finally managed to whisper a few seconds later.
"I mean my family and myself," I interrupted brutally. The burning pain increased, but my external self-control did not waiver as I waited for her to respond. She stood there for a few minutes, and I wondered if she had gone into shock.
"Okay," she choked finally, "I'll come with you."
I swallowed hard, reminding myself over and over that the pain she was in now would pass and she would be better off, happier, safer in the long run. She deserves a normal life! I chanted in my head as I forced myself to continue.
"You can't Bella," I said coldly. "Where we're going…"I paused for a moment as I nearly choked on my words, but the pause was too brief for her to notice my hesitation. "It's not the right place for you." Using the word we was a lie, too since I would soon be leaving my family to embark on my mission.
"Where you are is the right place for me," She replied quickly, her voice stronger now, insistent. This was going to be just as hard as I'd feared. In an effort to convince her that I meant what I was saying, I decided to speak the truth for the first time since we started this conversation.
"I'm no good for you, Bella," I replied flatly. I wasn't good enough for her, and I never would be. She deserved so much more than a monster. She deserved to be safe, to be loved by a normal man. I had to get through this. I had to protect her at all costs, no matter how much it hurt.
"Don't be ridiculous," she said in a pleading voice. "You're the very best part of my life."
I felt my stone heart break in half at her words. How I wished I could tell her that she is my life, the only reason I wanted to exist; that nothing mattered to me but her!
"My world is not for you," I replied with brutal honesty.
"What happened with Jasper-that was nothing Edward; Nothing!" She insisted; her voice was quiet but angry. So far, the truth wasn't working; she wasn't letting go yet, but I was going to keep trying to be honest. The only other option would destroy me completely, I was sure of it.
"You're right," I replied, and I repeated the words I had said to my family the night we'd decided to leave Forks. "It was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised!" Bella accused, her voice more desperate than before. "In Phoenix you promised that you would stay-"
"As long as that was best for you," I interrupted, remembering the careful way I had phrased my promise. I knew then that I didn't want to give her my word that I would never leave in case it ever became necessary for me to walk away from her.
"No!" she hissed back, pleading angrily with me now, and I knew what I was going to have to do even before she finished speaking. The burning pain in my chest nearly knocked me to my knees at the thought.
"This is about my soul, isn't it?" She went on. "Carlisle told me about that and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you! It's yours already!"
She had no idea what she was saying; what the implications of her words were! She was barely 18 and desperate to hold on to the only "man" she'd ever had a relationship with. I couldn't let this go on! For that reason, I knew I had to find enough strength to do the unthinkable. I took a deep breath, compelling my broken lungs to work and I paused to try to force out the most abominable and dishonest words I had ever uttered in my 100 years. The agony that twisted my mouth nearly gave me away before I cleared my expression.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I said slowly in a dead voice. I waited for a moment for her to start arguing with me again; for her to tell me she didn't believe me.
"You-don't-want-me," She choked, and I could tell she was trying to make sense of my words. I used her silence as an opportunity to reinforce the lie.
"No," I replied coldly, staring unapologetically into her beautiful brown eyes. Her face was pale and frozen in shock but any moment now, she would regain her composure and demand to know why I would even try to tell her such a horrible and ridiculous lie. She would argue angrily with me, and I would have to say the vile words again. She stared at me for a long moment, and I braced myself for her arguments.
They never came. I watched in anguish as I realized she believed me. The light in her bright brown eyes seemed to flicker and die. My heart shattered into a million pieces and the rest of my insides were completely consumed by the burning pain, destroying what was left of my desire to exist. I wished I were dead.
"Well, that changes things," she said finally in a numb and shocked voice.
She really believed me.
How! How could she think that I didn't want her; that I didn't love her! She was my whole world; the only thing that mattered to me. How many times had I told her that? I knew that Bella sometimes got things turned around in her mysterious mind, but how could she possibly think that I could just cast her aside so easily? She was the most beautiful person I'd ever met in my life!
I had to look away from her to keep from falling apart completely. I still had a role to play, regardless of how devastated I was over her immediate acceptance of my rejection. I tried to soften the blow just a little. I looked away from her, unable to continue to look into her dark eyes.
"Of course, I'll always love you…in a way," I went on, staring at the trees so she wouldn't see the anguish in my eyes. "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…" I paused for a moment, willing myself to continue, "tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella (my throat ached as I said her name) I am not human."
I looked back at her, my expression stony. I knew I didn't look human. I had never felt less human; I was more of a monster now for breaking her heart than I had ever been while I was murdering fiends and feeding my thirst with their blood. I was nothing more than an animated corpse. The burning had ceased now, leaving nothing but a hollow hole where my insides should have been. My new transformation was complete now. The last vestiges of my humanity were gone.
"I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." This was a half-truth. I was sorry I had stayed long enough for her to fall in love with me, but not sorry for a second of the time I'd had with her.
"Don't," she pleaded in whisper. "Don't do this." The shock was wearing off now and I could see the sorrow in her face. But my new acute awareness of the difference between her humanity and my unnatural half-life made it easier for me to play my role.
"You're no good for me, Bella," I said coldly, looking into her eyes with a vacant expression. This was the most ironic thing I had said so far. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. She brought me to life, made me happier than I would have ever thought possible. She was everything to me, and I was nothing without her. My existence was meaningless.
She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again a moment later. I watched her, waiting for her to say something. Her silence frightened me, but my face did not betray my fear. Was she going to faint? I wished she would do something, but her eyes were as dark and empty as the inside of my chest, and my internal anxiety intensified dramatically. What was I doing to her? The hollow numbness in my chest was suddenly replaced by wild panic and horror. And, my mind screamed in agony;
Stop this now! Take every word of it back! You can't leave her like this!
"If that's what you want," she finally said in a mechanical voice. Her face was still blank and her eyes devoid of their natural warmth and light.
With a great effort, I nodded once in reply. If I had opened my mouth to speak, I would have recanted every lie and all of my efforts to protect her would be wasted. I wished that the cold hollow feeling would return; this grief and terror was going to bring me to my knees and shatter me like glass.
I remembered her words from that day in the meadow again; "I'd rather die than stay away from you." A feeling of dread permeated every fiber of my being and I felt a terrible sense of foreboding.
"I would like to ask for one favor, though if that's not too much," I said quietly. Her face was suddenly soft and my cold façade was gone; my face betrayed me for a moment.
"Anything," she pledged fervently. I felt a twinge of relief. I knew she would never break any promise she made me. She was so good, so beautiful, and the urge to take her in my arms had never been more powerful. How I loved her! And that was why I had to go.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I replied, my voice thick with tenderness. I had to regain my control quickly. She nodded.
"I'm thinking of Charlie of course," I went on, forcing my face back into the blank mask. "He needs you. Take care of yourself-for him."
"I will," she replied. I felt another twinge of relief at her assurance. I knew how much her father meant to her, and I was counting on her love for him to help her move on. She could have a wonderful life as long as I stayed out of her way.
"And I'll make you a promise in return," I went on, feeling I owed her a favor in return for her vow. It was the least I could do. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me."
Agony ripped through my chest again as I realized it would be that time I would see her, too.
"I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You will go on with your life without any interference from me. It will be as if I never existed."
I didn't exist anymore. Edward Cullen, for all intents and purposes, was dead. I was just an empty shell. I was nothing.
Her knees started to tremble and I was afraid again that she was going to faint. I moved away from her quickly, fighting the urge to pick her up and carry her home. I had to go now.
"Don't worry," I reassured her. "You're human-your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." I wanted it to be true, and yet, the idea of her forgetting me completely hurt almost as much as her easy acceptance of my lies.
"And your memories?" she asked me in a choked whisper. For the last time, she'd asked me one of her hard, probing questions that I didn't want to answer.
"Well," I said quietly, unable to continue for a moment. My control was evaporating fast. I had to get out of here soon before I fell apart. "I won't forget," I went on, forcing my lips into a phony smile. "But my kind…" I paused again, trying to emphasize the difference between us. "We're easily distracted."
Go now before you break down! Leave!
"That's everything I suppose; we won't bother you again." I moved further away from her as I spoke.
"Alice isn't coming back," she whispered. It wasn't a question.
I shook my head, not taking my eyes off of her. I couldn't look away from her now. It was the last time I'd ever see her beautiful face, and to waste one second of these last moments averting my eyes from it was inexcusable.
"She wanted to say goodbye," I replied truthfully, thinking of what she'd said about her love for Bella. I remembered her vision of the friendship they would share, and I knew Bella would miss Alice just as much as Alice would miss her. "I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." I paused again as Bella's face crumpled and her breathing became erratic. I had to finish this horrible conversation now or I never would.
"Goodbye Bella," I said in a quiet, even voice. My insides seemed to have evaporated completely as I said the words.
"Wait," She called, walking toward me with her arms outstretched, reaching. I took her wrists and pinned them to her sides quickly, though I was desperate to reach back, to hold her one last time. But if I gave in, if I embraced her, I would never break away, never let her go. Being this close to her was unbearable as I felt the heat of her fragile body. I kissed her forehead gently, savoring the sensation of the way her skin warmed my lips. She closed her eyes in response.
"Take care of yourself," I whispered, and I was gone before she could open her eyes.
I had only driven 5 miles when the panic overtook me; I pulled the car over, hyperventilating. Could Vampires have panic attacks? Her scent was so strong in the car that my heavy, frantic breathing only made me feel worse. There was no way I was going to be able to drive the Volvo all the way to Alaska. I would have to go back home and switch vehicles. But, I couldn't seem to pull myself together enough to go anywhere. Given my amazing reflexes and acute senses, I could practically drive with my eyes closed under normal circumstances, but I was too out of control to even try. I felt like what was left of me was coming apart.
I bowed my head and crossed my arms over my chest as though I were trying to keep from crumbling into pieces. Just when I'd decided to abandon the car and run the rest of the way back to the house to get Emmett's Jeep, I heard a soft tapping at my window.
I jumped, abnormally startled and surprised. Alice was standing beside my car, her face worried and tense. She opened the door, pushed me into the passenger seat, rolled down the windows and took the wheel. She had envisioned me here, unable to cope on my own, and so she'd come back to wait for me. It was kind of her to do so, considering she was still furious and hurt over my decision. But, I knew that Alice loved me unconditionally, and it would never occur to her to abandon me in my time of need, no matter how angry she was with me.
We drove back to the vacant house in silence, though I could hear Alice struggling with the idea of forcing me to go back, to change this course. Then she saw me in an unfamiliar fleabag motel, curled up in a ball on a generic bed, my face blank and lifeless. Another image, one of Bella stumbling around in the woods flashed through her head, but she pushed it from her mind quickly as I moaned involuntarily, grief ripping my hollow insides again.
"Get your things; I'll get the Jeep," she said quietly as she parked the Volvo in its usual garage bay.
We'd had to stop for gas a lot more often in the Jeep than we would have in the Volvo, but we would still be in Denali before the sun rose the next day. I had been trying to pull myself together enough to prepare for what I needed to do when we arrived at Tanya's, unable to carry on a real conversation with Alice.
I was going to have to do better than this for Esme's sake. Telling her I was leaving the family to go off on my own on a tracking expedition would be hard regardless, but if she saw what a mess I was, she would try to talk me into going back to Forks. And, the further I got from...her (it was too painful to even think of her name now), the harder it seemed to be for me to fight the urge to turn around. When I closed my eyes to try to think of my upcoming mission, all I could see was her face. The expression of blank shock and the empty darkness in her eyes as I'd told her I didn't want her seemed to be pasted to my eyelids.
"You're only going to stay in Denali long enough to talk to Laurent and say goodbye to Esme," Alice accused as we got on to highway 97. I hadn't spoken in several hours, and the lack of conversation was starting to wear on Alice. She was really worried about me. She'd called Jasper to check in with him and tell him where we were a couple of hours before when she was gassing up the Jeep, and I heard her telling him that I was worse than she'd thought I would be.
"Yes," I replied feebly, my voice flat and devoid of any emotion. "That's all I'll have time for, especially if Laurent can tell me anything about where Victoria might be. I'll have to act quickly on any leads he may have for me."
"I have seen that Laurent has been in contact with Victoria recently," Alice replied, trying to keep me talking. "He's still on good terms with her, though so you'll have to be careful about asking him questions."
I nodded thinking of what I would say to him and hoping I would be able to get most of the information I wanted out of his head rather than having to ask him questions outright. I couldn't afford to make him suspicious.
"I wasn't planning on asking him anything of consequence," I replied flatly.
"I just wanted to say enough to make him think about her so I could read his thoughts. Given her uncanny ability to evade capture and her instincts for self-preservation, I'll need to get as much information as I can to get started. I'm sure that it will take some time for me to catch up with her regardless."
"I don't see Victoria coming back to Forks for any reason, but I asked the others not to mention the fact that we're moving to Tanya or anyone else in Denali," Alice said abruptly. "Jasper decided that it wouldn't be a good idea for people to know that Bella is not under our protection anymore, especially if someone with a grudge against us found out and decided to tell the Volturi about what she knows…
"There's no reason for the Volturi or any others of our kind to ever cross paths with her again," I cried, horrified at the thought of the Volturi finding out about her. "And, I'm not tracking Victoria because I think she's a threat now; I want her to pay for what she's already done." And this tracking expedition was the only distraction I could think of that might make it possible for me to survive.
"Tracking Victoria won't keep you distracted forever," Alice countered as though she could read my mind. "It's going to take a lot more than tracking to keep you away from Bella for long." I winced at the sound of her name as the pain stabbed my chest again.
I knew she was right, of course. But, I couldn't afford to think that far into the future. The last 24 hours had been hell, and the idea of thinking beyond the task at hand only made the panic worse.
Time usually meant little to an immortal, since we had all the time in the world, but now, every minute I'd been away from her seemed like an eternity. The only thought that comforted me enough to make those slow moments bearable was the knowledge that my love was mortal and she wouldn't live forever. And for that reason, neither would I.
Well, there it is; the big one. This was my first fic and there are still things that could be better in the first three chapters, but there's nothing in this chapter that I would change. Plus I just don't have it in me to do any rewrites. I hope you like it as is. Please leave me a note one way or the other. I don't get many reviews, but a lot of you are adding this to your favorites so I know you're out there. Thanks so much for giving me and this story a chance. I really appreciate it.