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Chapter Five-Denali
I went for a run as soon as we arrived in Denali to collect my thoughts. I needed to try to pull myself together before I talked to Esme. Thanks to Alice, the rest of my family already knew that I wasn't going to Ithaca with them but they didn't know why yet. I knew talking to Esme about my plans to leave the family wouldn't be nearly as hard as that unbearable conversation I'd been forced to have in the woods with my love, but it wasn't going to be easy, either. My chest ached horribly again when I started to think her name, and every time I closed my eyes the only thing I could see was her face. It had been that way the last time I ran to this place to escape from her, but now it was the haunted, dead look in her eyes when I told her goodbye that obstructed my vision. I sat down on a patch of sparse grass and buried my face in my hands again.
When I was finally able to gain just enough composure to return to the house, Jasper was waiting for me at the door, and he did his best to try to calm me. I was grateful for his talent, but even his formidable gift was only strong enough to numb my pain. He concentrated all of his soothing energy on me, and I followed him mechanically into the living room where the rest of my family sat talking quietly. I managed to stay numb enough to say hello to everyone, including Esme, but I had to look away from the worry in her eyes as I sat down in the most secluded corner of the large open room. I was surprised to find that Tanya was the only member of her family who was home at the moment. Irina, Carmen, Kate and Eleazar had left on a hunting trip the morning before I arrived. I wondered fleetingly why Tanya had stayed behind, but I didn't really care about the answer.
Alice and Jasper's idea of keeping our departure from Forks a secret didn't seem very important to me once I found out that no one had seen Laurent for over two weeks. Tanya said that he was trying very hard to adhere to our "vegetarian" diet, but sometimes he had problems with it. She felt that he had lost control again and that was why he hadn't returned before now. I was feeling too drained to be terribly disappointed by Laurent's absence, but it certainly was a setback. I had really hoped to try to get into Laurent's head and see if I could find out anything useful about Victoria. All the same, no one mentioned to Tanya that we (or rather the rest of my family) were in the process of moving to Ithaca. The conversation in the living room flowed naturally for everyone else into a variety of topics that held no interest for me. Nothing meant anything anymore.
As the evening dragged on, I found myself wishing that I hadn't bothered to come here. My primary motivation for reuniting briefly with my family was to get information that would help me find Victoria. Jasper's calming vibrations had subsided now, and the artificial numbness they'd created was wearing off. I still needed to talk to Esme about my decision to go off on my own, but the more I thought about that conversation, the less I wanted to have it.
My mother was so distressed by my pain that she was planning to try to talk me in to going back home. My desperate desire to return to Forks was already pressing down on my chest, making me feel like I was buried under a million tons of quicksand. In my weakened state of mind it wouldn't take a lot of coaxing to make me go back. I can't do that to her! She deserves more than a monster! I repeated those words in my head like a prayer for strength.
I was pulled out of my reverie when I felt Tanya's concerned eyes on my blank face. Her expression seemed worried, but when I met her eyes she looked almost... hopeful? Her demeanor made me curious enough to try to hear her thoughts, but she suddenly seemed to be deliberately distracted. I wondered for a moment about why she was being so guarded until I just happened to glance over at Emmett. He was uncharacteristically angry at Rosalie, and when I heard the reason in his head I wanted to rip her apart.
Rosalie had decided that I needed help with the whole "Forks Situation" and so she had confided to Tanya that I was having "problems with my little human girlfriend" and she convinced Tanya that some female attention from her might make me feel better. So, Tanya had planned to try to persuade me to go "hunting" with her the next day. She wanted us to be alone, of course...
A snarl escaped from my lips as I read Rose's mind and fully registered the nature of Tanya's plans. I was on my feet in an instant, my thoughts consumed with tearing Rosalie's perfect blonde hair out strand by strand for her callous idiocy. She was hoping that Tanya could occupy me enough to get me to stay. I knew she only wanted to spare Carlisle and Esme the heartache of my absence, but she couldn't have picked a more repulsive and pointless way to achieve her goal. I hated her for thinking so little of me that she would presume for an instant that some tawdry fling would make my excruciating pain go away.
"What's the matter, Edward?" Esme cried, and she was standing by my side with her arm wrapped around me before I could act on my impulsive desire to kill my sister.
I didn't answer her as I glared at Rosalie, and she glared back, completely unrepentant. Then everyone else started to process the sudden tension between us. Tanya understood what I had discerned from Rosalie's thoughts and she was both hurt and embarrassed. My momentary hatred for Rosalie intensified over the way she'd exploited Tanya's feelings for her own gain. Meanwhile, Emmett had gone from being angry to feeling more uncomfortable than I had ever seen him. Alice had deduced what was going on from a vision she'd had about me spurning Tanya's advances, and she was almost as angry with Rose as I was. Carlisle, like Esme, was anxious and confused, but before he could ask questions, Jasper sent waves of peace throughout the room, and I calmed down enough to restrain myself from lunging at Rose.
"Why don't we go outside for a few minutes, Edward," Esme said soothingly, tugging on my arm. "The weather is still nice and I've wanted to go for a run all day." I nodded slowly, trying to clear my head enough to take advantage of the opportunity to explain my plans to Esme.
"Is tracking Victoria really necessary, Edward?" Esme asked me as we ran through the mountains later that night. We decided to hunt when we happened to run across the trail of a small herd of moose. Moose was hardly my favorite food, but they were satisfying, and more appetizing than deer. I had hoped the pursuit might take my mind off of my pain, but her face was still the only thing I could truly see.
"Yes," I replied emphatically. "Victoria was at least partially responsible for what happened to…" I shuddered and gasped, unable to say her name. "For what happened in Phoenix last spring and I have to find her." Anger surged through me as I remembered how broken she was after her encounter with James in the ballet studio.
James used the information Victoria had gotten from the school records to find Renee's home. I would never forgive Victoria for helping him orchestrate the attack that nearly destroyed my world. Without Victoria, James wouldn't have gotten that close. I shuddered as I remembered the decision I'd made to go to Italy if it had been too late to save her.
Esme didn't say anything for awhile, but she was considering what I had said, and thinking of what was best for her whole family; all 8 of us. She still thought that everything would have worked out fine if I had stayed. Like Carlisle, she thought that I deserved to be happy…that I deserved her. They were both so wrong.
"Do you really think your tracking plans will keep Bella safe?" Esme asked me finally we slowed to a walk just a few miles from Tanya's. A stabbing pain shot through my hollow chest at the sound of her name. It had just occurred to Esme that leaving her alone in Forks might be dangerous.
"I'm certain Victoria is not a threat to…her now," I replied, wincing again as the memory of my love's heartbroken face burned my eyes. "But I can't forget what she did; I had hoped to see Laurent while I was here so I could read his mind. I thought he might have some information about Victoria's whereabouts. Since he isn't here, I should leave tonight." This was the same story I had given Alice.
"What about others…like us who might find her," Esme replied slowly. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe Bella will be in more danger alone than she was when we were there?"
"Why would she be?" I snapped, desperate to counter any argument that might give me an excuse to go home. "Our presence was the only thing that caused them to stop in Forks; they would catch our scent and get curious about why there were so many of us in the area. You know that typical nomads would have a hard time avoiding suspicion in a small town. Now that we're gone, how likely is it that one of us would cross Bella's path?" I groaned in pain as her name left my lips before I could stop it, crossing my arms over my empty, aching chest.
Then, my mind unwittingly conjured up the image of that evil harpy. I could see it hovering over her, trying repeatedly to end my love's life with a variety of hazards, and I shuddered. But, as far as I knew, she had never had any near death experiences before she met me. I was like a plague, a curse, and she would be safe now…she had to be safe!
"I was always the greatest threat to her safety, Esme, and…" I faltered, recalling her words from that night I'd found her in Port Angeles.
"Did you ever think that maybe my number was up that first time, with the van, and that you've just been interfering with fate?" She'd asked me.
"That wasn't the first time," I had replied. "Your number was up the first time I met you" (quotes from Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. Ch 8-Port Angeles)
As I remembered that conversation, I hated myself more than ever as I realized just how reckless and selfish it was for me to have stayed with her all those months. I should have stayed away after I'd nearly killed her in Biology. I sank down to my knees in anguish and buried my face in my hands again.
"Oh Edward," Esme sighed, embracing me tightly. I felt as though her arms were the only things holding me together, keeping me from crumbling into pieces like broken marble. I couldn't believe that I was behaving this way. I never lost control of my feelings like this. But now I was so consumed with the pain and emptiness that I had nothing left inside of me to hide behind.
"She's safe now," I managed finally. "I have to at least try to right some of the wrong I've done by making sure Victoria pays for what she did." (I can't continue to sit here and think about her or I'll go mad) I thought to myself.
Plus, I couldn't stand the idea of continuing to live with 3 happily paired couples. Before, being alone wasn't always easy, but it was all I had ever known. Now that I had found and lost my true and only love, reverting back to being the odd man out was unbearable. My family would miss me (well, probably not Rosalie), but the person they would miss didn't exist anymore anyway. If I were gone, they could mourn my loss the same way that one would grieve for a dead relative. Having me around would be like staring at that dead relative's corpse all day long.
"Are you ready to go back?" Esme asked me timidly after several minutes.
I nodded and sprang to my feet. I needed to make my excuses so that I could leave now. The story I would give in front of Tanya was that I was going back to Forks to sort things out with…Bella, (it was the easiest explanation since Rosalie had decided to tell Tanya we were at odds). M family would know better, but it was simpler to stick to the lie.
Alice and Jasper were the only ones who were still in the house when we got back, and Jasper was not pleased to see us. He was holding a blank faced Alice in his lap, trying to soothe her, and it didn't take long for me to see what was in her head. A gaunt and anguished Charlie was trying to get his daughter to talk to him as she lay curled up on her bedroom floor, unmoving, unresponsive, as though she were…
"Stop it!" I shouted, trying desperately to break Alice out of her trance. I didn't want to see anymore. Every muscle in my body, every brain cell in my head was screaming in agony; Go back! You can't leave her like that! Go back to her right now!
My shouting pulled Alice out of her reverie, and she glared angrily at me.
"I haven't been trying to see her, Edward," Alice snapped defensively. "Do you really think I wanted to see that?"
Please let's go back! Alice thought desperately.
"No," I replied through gritted teeth, answering both questions. The overwhelming pain was burning my empty chest again. I wanted to go back much more than Alice did, but I couldn't be selfish again. For…Bella, the heartache was only temporary; she would recover and be happy, probably sooner than I would have expected considering how quickly she'd accepted my lies. Agony washed over me again as I remembered the look on her face when I told her I didn't want her.
Tanya came in then, so we could not continue our discussion. She looked away from me, hiding her face in her strawberry blonde hair, and if it were possible, she would have blushed. Under different circumstances, I might have felt sorry for her, but there was no room inside me for anything but the burning pain.
"Is everything okay?" Tanya asked, looking curiously from Jasper to Alice. She continued to avoid my gaze.
"Everything is fine, Tanya," I answered her, trying my best to keep my voice even. I felt like I was on fire, but I continued the lie with conviction. "Alice was just trying to talk me into staying here, but I've decided I need to go back and sort things out with Bella."
Saying her name was excruciating, but I had to stay calm for the sake of Alice's story. I wanted to keep up the pretense even though it wasn't necessary. After all, Laurent wasn't even here and he may not ever return. Plus, it seemed improbable that Victoria would ever even spare a thought for the Cullens. If I weren't 100% certain that she was safe I would still be in Forks.
"Oh," Tanya said lamely, and I heard the disappointment in her head. "Won't you at least stay until the others get back from their hunting trip?" She was trying to get more time with me. Rosalie must've really laid it on thick for her to be this persistent. Just then, a familiar scent caught my attention, and my plans changed.
"Well, I suppose I could stay until tomorrow," I backtracked, refocusing my energy on my future plans. "Leaving in the late afternoon would give me more dark hours for travelling." In late September, Denali still gets about 12 hours of daylight.
A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door, though everyone knew someone was here before it came. Tanya admitted a crimson eyed Laurent into the living room. He looked curiously at us for a moment, then smiled.
"Our old friends decided to surprise us with a little visit," Tanya said cheerfully, glad that I'd decided to stay. I still didn't have it in me to feel badly for her even though this time I was the one who was misleading her.
"Are all of you here?" Laurent asked, and I heard him thinking of Carlisle. He had been greatly intrigued with Carlisle when they'd met briefly last spring.
"The whole clan," Alice replied with a serene smile. "All except for Bella, and she has school, so Edward is going back tomorrow." I saw in Alice's head that she wanted to make sure Laurent believed Bella was still part of our family.
I can't see any danger to Bella from Victoria or anyone else, I'm just trying to err on the side of caution. she thought.
"That human girl," Laurent marveled, his eyes wide. He shook his head, and I saw in his mind that he was still baffled by my relationship with a mortal. He met my eyes for a moment, and his demeanor was more guarded. Clearly someone in the Denali coven had told him something about my abilities. This troubled me a little and I realized it wasn't going to be as easy as I'd hoped to get information about Victoria from Laurent.
"Yes," I said evenly, trying not to betray the pain and anger that flared inside of me as I remembered the last time I had seen him. That was the night Alice and Jasper had been forced to flee with her to keep her safe from James and Victoria. ("Are you sure she's worth it?" Laurent had asked). This unfeeling bastard would never understand that she was worth more than all of God's other creations combined. I ached as the image of her face swam behind my eyes again.
"I hope there are no hard feelings about our last meeting," Laurent replied. There was a hint of apology in his voice, but his thoughts were still very careful. "It's just that the idea of having regard for human life, let alone a relationship with a human is still very…foreign to me."
The others were watching our exchange with apprehension, and I felt Jasper's calming influence flowing through the room. It was only marginally helpful to me. My pain subsided just enough for the fury underneath the surface to dominate the anguish, and the anger was surprisingly useful.
"I understand, and there are no hard feelings," I lied serenely as the rage burning inside of me gave me the focus I needed to master myself. I realized then that my manic craving for revenge was a far more effective means of masking my pain than Jasper's talents.
"As you know, the path we have chosen is not the easiest way to exist, but Tanya says you are trying." I went on calmly, inclining my head at him.
Acting calm was possible now. I would have vengeance for what she had suffered, and getting information from Laurent was a means to that end. I could lie until the end of my pathetic existence for my Bella. The new obsession suddenly made it easier to think of her name.
"Yes," Laurent said uncomfortably, acutely aware of his red eyes. He had let his guard down a little, and I found no trace of suspicion in his thoughts. "But, as you say it's difficult."
"Why don't we all go into the living room and sit down," Tanya said lamely as though we needed to sit. She was relieved that the tension had eased considerably. "Carlisle, Emmett and Rosalie won't be back for awhile."
Thinking about my quest was keeping the pain from crippling me again. I participated as much as I could in the casual conversation, waiting for the right moment to mention Victoria. Alice was talented and subtle enough to move the conversation in the right direction.
"So, did you run into any others while you were away," Alice asked Laurent. At that precise moment, I saw in her head that she knew the answer already. Jasper unleashed a wave of serenity in Laurent's direction, relaxing his mind in an effort to coax him into speaking more freely. It helped enough for Laurent to answer.
"Just one," Laurent replied slowly. "I saw Victoria just outside of Edmonton 4 days ago."
It was nearly impossible for me not to react violently to his revelation as the horribly haunting image of Bella lying unconscious and broken in a hospital bed overwhelmed me. I tried to read his thoughts, but Laurent's mind was focused intently on the hiker who had been his most recent meal. I was sure this was intentional; he was clearly hiding something, though I couldn't imagine what. I was desperate to leave at once to begin the chase, but since I was already committed to staying, I would have to wait to avoid making Laurent overly suspicious.
I took comfort in the fact that Victoria's days were numbered. I imagined the satisfaction I would feel when I slowly ripped her apart as I waited until it was time to leave.
AN:
Now that Edward knows where to start looking for Victoria, he'll be leaving ASAP. Next Ch: Edward's adventures as he follows Victoria and tries to cope with his life without Bella. I know this chapter is a little anticlimactic after the last one, but ch 6 will pick up the pace. As far as adding Laurent into the story, I got the idea from Eclipse. If you'll remember the meadow scene where the wolves come to get training for killing the newborns, Bella figures out that Victoria got info about Alice and Edward's extra talents from Laurent. My other story, Dark Matter will explain more about this during the fight scene. Thanks for reading and reviews are greatly appreciated. :)