Here it is; the chapter we've all been waiting for. You know, the one we all searched the pages of New Moon for as soon as we read chapter three-The End. This is "The Truth" chapter from EPOV. A great deal of dialogue is taken from chapter 23 of New Moon. Please leave me a note to let me know what you think. I've had a lot of people adding me to their favorites and I really appreciate it but I would love to have some feedback too. Thanks.
I own nothing of Twilight, besides my copies of the books, by the way.
Songs for this chapter;
Sympathy, by the Goo Goo Dolls
She is Love, by Parachute
Far Away, by Nickelback. I've posted the lyrics to that one here because to me it's a perfect fit.
Far Away by Nickelback
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Chapter 15-Devotion
The last hour of Bella's sleep was a hellish waiting game. Thankfully, she never uttered Jacob Black's name again, but the sound of if still echoed in my ears, feeding the flames of my doubts like gasoline. I watched her move from one phase of sleep to the other, feeling her tense and relax in my arms and watching her eyelids flutter rhythmically when she dreamt. I was surprised when she started to show signs of wakefulness at three minutes after 1 am. Alice had been sure she would sleep longer than that. But, Alice's visions had proven to be a little less reliable than usual over the last couple of days.
"Hmm, Edward," Bella murmured, her limbs stretching slightly as she started to emerge from unconsciousness. I waited with bated breath for her eyes to open. This was it; it was time to face my fate. Instinctively, I brushed my fingers over her forehead to push a lock of hair that was falling into her eyes out of the way, and she flinched at my touch. Her eyes scrunched more tightly together as though she were trying to block out one of her unpleasant dreams. This was going to be just as painful as I feared. She sighed a moment later, hesitating before opening her eyes.
"Oh!" she gasped in surprise, and to my horror, she balled her hands into fists and pressed them into her eyes.
She didn't even want to look at me! My silent heart ached. I was motionless as I waited for her to look up at me and ask me to leave. Three seconds later, her hands relaxed. She opened her eyes and stared at me, and I was surprised to see that she looked confused; I'd been bracing myself for repulsed, terrified or angry.
"Did I frighten you?" I whispered lamely, and I could feel the anxiety written all over my face. Of course she was scared, and probably disgusted too, but I wasn't going to let her go until she made me. She blinked again and then her face twisted into the horrified expression I'd been anticipating. How was I going to survive this?
"Oh crap," she grumbled, her voice hoarse from exhaustion. She frowned at me.
"What's wrong Bella?" I asked, unable to stop myself from prompting her to start naming all the reasons why she never wanted to see me again. I couldn't take the suspense anymore.
"I'm dead, right?" she replied miserably. "I did drown. Crap crap crap! This is going to kill Charlie."
Dead? What on earth was she talking about? Why would she think she was dead? Was she still half asleep? She looked like she was alert enough. I was totally confused. Bella's reactions were just as baffling to me as they'd always been. Apparently that hadn't changed as much as everything else had.
"You're not dead," I answered, my face puckered into a frown to match hers.
She looked at me with a slightly irritated expression, raising her eyebrows at me.
"Then why am I not waking up?" she countered.
Okay, now I was thoroughly confused. First she thought she was dead and now she thought she was asleep? Perhaps her trip to Italy really had pushed her over the edge into madness. This was all my fault.
"You are awake, Bella," I replied. What was she thinking?
She shook her head at me, her chin jutting out in a way that told me an argument was coming.
"Sure, sure," she babbled irritably. "That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up...if I wake up, which I won't because I'm dead..." she paused for a moment, and the agitation in her voice increased. "This is awful! Poor Charlie, and Renee and Jake..." she shook her head sadly.
Jake.
Jacob Black.
My frozen insides twisted with agony at the sound of his name on her lips. The way she called him Jake instead of Jacob emphasized their familiarity in a way that made me want to scream, or break something, like that dog's neck. Besides her parents, Jacob Black was the first person she'd thought of when she mentioned people that she cared about...people she worried over...the people she loved most. My dim hopes of a reconciliation evaporated. But, I would not let her see how much her impending dismissal was going to hurt me. I wouldn't do that to her on top of everything else. She was too precious to suffer for my heartache, and if she saw the depth of my pain it would make her feel guilty. She deserved to be happy.
"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare," I replied, trying to smile and failing miserably. "But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?" The idea of her hurting anyone was still laughable to me. I almost chuckled at my own feeble attempt at a joke.
"Obviously not," she replied with a scowl. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me."
I sighed miserably. Did she still think there was some good in me after seeing the Volturi and the unforgiveable way I'd abandoned her?
I watched her expression change from irritated to confused again as she looked around the room. It seemed that she was becoming more lucid and aware. Her cheeks were colored with the beautiful blush I'd missed so much.
"Did all that really happen, then? She asked skeptically as though she were still trying to process all of the events of the last three days. She'd been through so much; her disorientation was understandable.
"That depends," I answered with another stiff attempt at a smile. "If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then yes." I hated having to confirm that her nightmares were true. How could I ever tell her how sorry I was that I'd exposed her to them? There were no words for my remorse and shame.
"How strange," she replied thoughtfully, and I could tell she noticed the regret in my face. "Did you know I'd never been further east than Albuquerque?"
I rolled my eyes at her attempt to lighten my mood. "Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent." I replied as I tried to compose myself more effectively. I couldn't let her see my pain; it would only make things harder for her.
"I'm not tired anymore," she said with a sigh. "What time is? How long have I been sleeping?"
She'd started with an easy question at least, which was a first for Bella.
"It's just after one in the morning, so about 14 hours." I answered, thinking of how tired she had been. She looked much better after the long rest. The circles under her eyes had diminished and her skin looked much healthier. She stretched stiffly, and I loosened my hold on her reluctantly to allow her to move.
"Charlie?" she asked, clearly still worried about her father.
I remembered the way he'd thrown me out of the house the morning before and I frowned.
"Sleeping," I answered grimly. "You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said that I was never to walk through his door again and I came in the window...but still, the intent was clear."
It had been clear alright. He didn't want me anywhere near his daughter, and I didn't blame him. I was sure that his warnings were unnecessary though. Bella was going to send me away soon enough.
"Charlie banned you from the house?" she asked incredulously, and I noted a hint of anger in her tone. What did that mean? Was she angry that I had defied him and sneaked into her room anyway? Surely she wasn't going to come to my defense! Why would she? My actions were indefensible. Her father had every right to hate me, and she had to know that he would.
"Did you expect anything else?" I asked her, wondering how she could question his reaction.
I saw fury in her eyes then. She didn't respond to my words as she collected her thoughts. She was probably counting up all the horrible things that had happened to her since she'd met me...her near death at James's hands...then at Jasper's...the way I'd abandoned her so callously, leaving her completely unprotected from the lethal vampire who wanted revenge for my actions, and nearly getting us both killed halfway around the world. No amount of love she may have felt for me could ever justify forgiving me for those things.
"What's the story anyway?" She asked me abruptly. Her expression had changed from angry to intrigued, but I could tell there was something more behind her eyes that she didn't want me to see. I knew her well enough to know that she was stalling. She was trying to put off the difficult conversation to come.
But I knew we were getting to it; the thing I dreaded. I was determined to answer any questions she had for me; I knew she would have plenty of those, and she deserved the truth. But this question was too vague for me to really understand what she wanted to talk about first. I stared at her intently for a moment.
"What do you mean?" I asked, my insides burning with fear and impatience as I waited for her to elaborate.
"What am I telling Charlie?" she asked, surprising me. "What's my excuse for disappearing for...how long was I gone anyway?" She bit her lip and she appeared to be trying to account for all the time.
This was not what I'd expected her to ask me, but it was an important query. I certainly owed her an alibi. She was in deep trouble because she'd come to save me. But, I couldn't think of any plausible story to tell Charlie. I was too upset to think clearly enough to help her.
"Just three days," I answered, trying to keep the remorse out of my face. I had caused her so much grief. I smiled at her in an attempt to lighten the mood. "Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing." She knew what a terrible liar she was, so the humor shouldn't be lost on her.
"Fabulous," she answered unhappily. I could hear the worry in her voice.
"Maybe Alice will come up with something," I replied hopefully in an attempt to reassure her.
Her face relaxed. The thought of Alice's help seemed to ease her worries at least.
"So," she said a moment later, her face calculating. "What have you been doing up until three days ago?"
Why did she always have to ask me the very questions that were the most difficult to answer! This was the thing I dreaded explaining the most, because I would have to admit to losing Victoria and leading her here. Bella would know how incompetent and foolish I was on top of everything else. Maybe I could divert her attention to something else.
Right.
You're such a coward! I thought to myself.
"Nothing terribly exciting," I answered vaguely.
"Of course not," she muttered, looking away from me. Her face was full of something like disappointment.
"Why are you making that face?" I asked in a slightly irritated voice. I hated not being able to read her thoughts, and my intense discomfort with this subject made it impossible for me to conceal my impatience.
"Well," she said, pausing to gather her thoughts. "If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you'd say. My imagination must be all used up."
Dream? She was still hung up on the dream theory? Did that mean I starred in her nightmares on a regular basis? I sighed. I really was going to have to confess to all my shortcomings and failures before we moved on.
"If I tell you, will you finally believe you aren't having a nightmare?" I asked her, exhaling loudly.
"Nightmare!" she replied indignantly, as though the idea were ludicrous. Did that mean her dreams about me were not unpleasant? I beat back an atom sized fragment of hope.
"Maybe," she went on, and the hope died. "If you tell me."
"I was...hunting" I answered lamely, knowing that the flimsy statement would not satisfy Bella. She was far too intelligent and perceptive for that to work. If I were a better man, I would have explained it all without hesitation, but I couldn't stand the thought of seeing disappointment in her eyes when she learned of my ineptitude.
"Is that the best you can do?" she answered irritably, just the way I knew she would. "That doesn't prove that I'm awake."
"I wasn't hunting food," I said cautiously after a moment's pause. How should I explain further? "I was trying my hand at...tracking. I'm not very good at it." I admitted in a neutral voice. My insides were squirming with shame.
"What were you tracking?" she asked me curiously, her chocolate brown eyes were boring into my thirsty black ones. She wasn't going to give up.
"Nothing of consequence," I lied. She saw the expression on my face and I could tell she wasn't going to change the subject. The familiar crease forming between her eyes confirmed that.
"I don't understand," she answered, giving me a searching look as she waited for me to explain myself.
It was time to swallow my pride and be a man. Besides thinking that she was dead, this was the hardest thing I'd ever faced; even harder than leaving her because this time I was going to be the one to face rejection. I thought of how hard it must have been for her when I'd pushed her away. Well, it was my turn wasn't it? I took a deep breath and tried to find the words.
"I-" I began, sighing. "I owe you an apology," I paused for a moment, thinking of how ridiculous and feeble that must sound. The words were inadequate to say the least.
"No, I owe you much more than that," I went on as I tried to find a way to explain. "But you have to know that I had no idea. I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here; so safe." I stopped the quick flow of words for a half second to think.
Was I really trying to defend myself against what I'd done? There was no excuse for me.
"I had no idea that Victoria (I suppressed a snarl as her name left my lips) would come back." I went on, my voice agitated. "I'll admit when I saw her that one time I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her."
I cringed internally as I thought of how she'd sent Laurent here to look for Bella after she'd realized I was following her. I had seriously underestimated her tenacity.
"I had no idea that she even had such a tie to him," I continued before Bella could notice my pause. "I realize why now…she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him-that kept me from seeing the depth of them...the bond there." I really was trying to justify my actions, and that was wrong.
"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face," I added, trying to make her understand that I knew the mistakes I'd made were appalling and unforgivable. "When I heard what you told Alice-what she saw herself-" I thought of Jacob Black again and my insides were in knots. What if he had changed in front of her, lost control the way Josiah Clearwater had?
"When I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of ...werewolves (I nearly choked on the word)...immature, volatile, the worse thing out there besides Victoria herself…"
I thought of all the different ways her life had been threatened while I was away and I shuddered. It was truly a miracle that she'd survived.
"Please know that I had no idea of any of this! I feel sick-sick to my core, even now when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for a..."
"Stop," Bella interjected forcefully.
This was it...we'd reached the part in our story where she would tell me that my pathetic explanations would never be enough for her to forgive me for what I'd put her through. She'd tell me she cared for me and that she was glad I was safe, but she didn't want me in her life. She was going to say that I was too late. I braced myself for the words that would crush me, my face full of remorse and anguish. I stared at her face and saw that she was preparing herself to say what she needed to say. There was pain in her expression, and I knew she was kind enough to feel bad for hurting me. I did not deserve her sympathy.
"Edward," she said in a choked whisper a few seconds later. There was something strange about the way she seemed to be trying to hide the emotion in her face. Was she trying to keep me from seeing how much I'd made her suffer over the last several months? She averted her eyes from me before she spoke again. I waited on tenterhooks for her to finish.
"This has to stop now," she continued in a calm voice that seemed to be forced. "You can't think about things that way. You can't let this...this...guilt rule your life."
Guilt? What was she talking about? I was confused again.
"You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault." she said in a clinical voice.
Not my fault? Now I was totally lost. Everything was my fault; all of it. Every moment of danger she'd faced, every tear she'd shed. Why in the world would she try to say otherwise?
"It's just part of how life is for me here," she went on stoically. "So, if I trip in front of a bus, or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me."
What? No, surely she didn't think...I listened to her carefully as she continued.
"Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice and not your fault. I know it's in your...nature to blame yourself for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to extremes! It's very irresponsible! Think of Esme and Carlisle...and..." She broke off, taking a deep breath, and I could see that she was trying to hold on to her calm demeanor.
Did she mean what I thought she did? I stared at her face for half a second.
And I suddenly understood.
It all made sense now.
Her guarded demeanor, the contradictions between some of her words and her body language, the way she'd tried to stay calm during her little speech...I was shocked, and furious.
She still didn't understand that I loved her.
How?
How could she not know after what I'd tried to do in Italy when I thought she was dead? How could she possibly attribute my drastic actions to guilt?
"Isabella Marie Swan," I said, trying unsuccessfully to keep the anger and shock I was feeling out of my voice. "Do you really think that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"
She looked back at me with a disbelieving expression that seemed to confirm my new theory.
"Didn't you?" she asked in bewildered tone.
"Feel guilty," I repeated, still unable to fathom how she could think that guilt was the extent of my motivations to kill myself. "Intensely so! More than you can comprehend."
She nodded in an unconscious and uncertain way before speaking. "Then….what are you saying? I don't understand."
I could scarcely believe what I was hearing. Bella was so smart and perceptive! She had always been able to see through me, to get to the heart of the truth whether I wanted her to or not. Hadn't she figured out what I was with very little outside help? I'd seen in Alice thoughts that she'd understood what I was planning an instant after Alice had told her I was going to Italy. Until now, I had assumed that she would have inferred the truth about my feelings based on my reaction when I'd believed she was… gone… but apparently I was wrong. Would I ever stop being astonished at the way her mind twisted things around sometimes? I had to make myself clear this time. I stared intently into her eyes, willing her to listen to what I had to say.
"Bella," I whispered, my voice thick with emotion. "I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead." I paused for a moment before I could continue." Even if I'd had no hand in your…death," the last word caught in my throat and I barely managed to say it. "Even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. "
It was my fault, though. If I had never left, Victoria wouldn't have sent Laurent to Forks and she never would have returned either. And Bella wouldn't have been in La Push jumping off cliffs. I shuddered at the image I'd seen in Alice's mind. And if I'd made just one phone call to Alice, it would not have been necessary for her to follow me to Italy. I needed to explain that part too.
"Obviously I should have been more careful. I should have spoken to Alice directly rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie, but what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral! What are the odds?" I looked away from her, thinking of that travesty of a conversation I'd had with Jacob Black and how that 90 second phone call had started a chain of events that had nearly cost us our lives.
"The odds," I whispered, mostly to myself. "The odds are always stacked against us." I thought of the last peaceful afternoon she and I had together before I'd left when we were watching Romeo and Juliet. As I sat there mocking Romeo, I'd confessed my plans to end my life in the event of her death. Surely she would remember too and see the significance and the irony.
Mistake after mistake! I'll never criticize Romeo again." I finished, looking back up at her. I expected to see comprehension on her face, but she still looked baffled.
"But I still don't understand," she said seriously. "That's my whole point… so what?"
"Excuse me?" I replied, feeling more wrong-footed than ever. Did she mean that she didn't care about my explanations? I realized that nothing I said could ever justify my colossal errors and stupidity, but I thought she'd wanted answers.
"So what if I was dead?" she answered nonchalantly, as though this were a throwaway question of no consequence.
She still didn't see! Had her near drowning impacted her memory somehow? I stared at her for a moment, searching for some sign that she might not be lucid. Was she still tired?
"Don't you remember anything that I told you before?" I asked, still staring at her with an apprehensive expression.
"I remember everything that you told me." She replied significantly, her dark eyes full of pain. I didn't have to be able to read her mind to know which words carried the most weight in her thoughts.
I don't want you.
Of all the things I'd ever said to her, those were the words that had impacted her the most; the easiest for her to believe, and a powerful sadness washed over me. I remembered the way she hadn't understood my feelings for her once before when I thought I'd made them obvious. I was wrong on that occasion and I was wrong now too.
I rubbed the tip of my index finger across her soft lower lip.
"Bella," I sighed hoarsely, staring deeply into her eyes. "You seem to be under a misapprehension." I closed my eyes, shaking my head as a bitter smile crossed my lips. "I thought I'd explained it clearly before…I can't live in a world where you don't exist."
"I am….confused," she replied, her brow furrowed.
I groaned too softly for her to hear in reply. She was trying to reconcile what I was saying now with what I had said when I'd left her…to discern the lies from the truth. I was so sure that my clarifications would make sense to her, but they hadn't. I reminded myself that I had betrayed her and she had no reason to trust me. I would have to explain it better. I stared intently into her eyes, willing her to see the love and sincerity in my face.
"I'm a good liar Bella; I have to be," I began, but before I could continue, a look of intense agony marred her face and her breathing ceased. Horror washed over me as I realized that she'd completely misconstrued my words.
I felt her whole body tense and turn to ice and I shook her shoulders in exasperation.
"Let me finish," I said severely, jostling her gently as though I could physically reason with her. "I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly…that was…excruciating."
To say the least; her reaction had devastated me. I thought back to that day in the forest, remembering the dead look in her eyes for the millionth time. Her expression had haunted me for months. I grimaced and shuddered at the memory.
She waited for me to continue.
"When we were in the forest…when I was telling you goodbye…" I continued, feeling the frozen tension in her body intensify at the mention of that horrible day. I forced myself to keep speaking. I knew it hurt her terribly to remember, but I had to make her understand.
"You weren't going to let go," I murmured, my insides burning with the pain of the recollection. "I could see that. I didn't want to do it….I thought it would kill me to do it…." I paused for a moment. It had killed me figuratively at the time. "But I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that if you thought I'd moved on, so would you." The idea of me ever moving on was ludicrous, of course, but I'd though it was possible for her to heal, but she hadn't.
"A clean break," she murmured bitterly through clenched teeth, and the anguish in her voice was unbearable. I had hurt her so much… too much for her to take me back.
"Exactly," I replied as I remembered every brutal detail of the wretched lies I'd told that day. "But I'd never imagined that it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible-that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry- sorry because I hurt you; sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you and it didn't work. I'm sorry."
Sorry!
I nearly snorted at the insignificance of the word. It wasn't nearly enough to convey my regrets. There were no words to express how horrible I felt for what I had done. I'd left her alone, unprotected, broken her heart and possibly driven her into the arms of a dog. She'd nearly died on multiple occasions as a result of my idiocy.
I looked at her and saw that her eyes were wide with shock and apprehension, and my frustration boiled over.
"But how could you believe me!" I demanded. "After all the thousand times I've told you that I love you, how could you let one word shake your faith in me?"
Bella didn't reply; she merely looked at me with a stunned expression. I wished I could tell what she was thinking! Even her usually expressive face was impossible to read as she seemed to be trying to process my words.
"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore," I went on, hoping to illicit some kind of response from her. "The most absurd, ridiculous concept…as if there was a way that I could exist without needing you!"
She was still silent. The deadened look in her eyes that day had haunted me the entire time I was away was gone now, but I could still see the impact of my absence on her face. Her cheeks were hollow and her chocolate eyes wary. She didn't trust me; my words were not convincing her. This was so damn frustrating! It had taken her all of 90 seconds to believe my lies when I told her I didn't want her, and here I was baring my….well, not my soul, but my deepest feelings and she wouldn't accept a word of it. Well if words weren't going to do the trick, maybe actions would work. I grabbed her shoulder and shook her a little harder than I'd meant to.
"Bella," I breathed, exasperated. Really, what were you thinking!"
What was she thinking now? I paused for a moment, and to my horror, her eyes clouded over and she burst into tears.
Great job Edward!
"I knew it," she sniffed thickly through her tears. "I knew I was dreaming."
Now we were back to square one! What was I going to do with her!
"You're impossible," I moaned as I chuckled bitterly at the irony. I wasn't going to give up until I got it through to her.
"How can I put this to you so you'll believe me? You're not asleep and you're not dead! I'm here and I love you! I have always loved you and I will always love you! I was thinking of you every second I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."
And I had been sure I was damned for it when I'd thought she had lost her life. Or rather, when I was sure I had taken it from her by leaving.
I watched her face carefully, hoping that I'd finally made my point, but she just shook her head at me as the tears continued to flow down her now blotchy face. I was all out of ideas on what to say next. Maybe getting her to talk would be the best thing. Then I could at least get some idea about what I was going to have to do to prove my love.
"You don't believe me, do you?" I asked, trying to stay calm in the wake of her tears. I wanted to pull her to me and kiss each one of them away.
"Why can you believe the lie but not the truth?" I asked when she didn't answer my first question right away. What had I said in the forest that was so much more persuasive than anything I'd said to her before I'd left or since I'd returned? I watched her, waiting for her to say something. The suspense of her silence was maddening.
"It never made sense for you to love me," she choked, her voice thick and uneven through her sobs. "I always knew that."
The astonishment I felt at her reasoning was unprecedented. I remembered a conversation we'd had more than a year ago in which she had described herself as "absolutely ordinary." I had tried to explain to her that she was completely wrong about that, but she hadn't understood. I'd told her time and again how beautiful and amazing she was, and she would always blush and try to contradict me. I'd meant every word of it, but apparently she thought that my statements in the forest cancelled out those sentiments too. How could she still see herself as ordinary after what she had endured in my absence! She'd gone all the way to Italy and faced a hoard of the most powerful vampires in the world to save my life, and there was another man who was in love with her, too!
I gritted my teeth at the thought of Jacob Black. He might be part human, and he might be able to give her things physically that I was incapable of, but he couldn't possibly love her the way that I did. I looked at her with narrowed eyes as I burned with jealousy at the thought of him touching her and frustration at her unwillingness to accept my declarations of devotion. Well, if I couldn't explain with words, maybe I could show her.
"I'll prove you're awake," I said forcefully, cupping her soft warm face in both of my cold hands. I would kiss her and make her understand. She tried feebly to turn away from me as I leaned in closer, but I felt her heart racing in her chest and I didn't let go of her.
"Please don't," she murmured sadly. Her words stopped me immediately, but I didn't move. I had never wanted to kiss her so badly in all the time that I'd known her. Her rejection stung me, but it was no more than I deserved. My patience was paper thin and frayed.
"Why not?" I challenged. Was this about her insecurities, Jacob Black, or something else entirely?
"When I wake up," she began and I started to argue with her. Not that ridiculous dream theory again! I couldn't stand any more of this. Maybe she needed to go to the hospital for a few days' rest.
"Okay, forget that one," she said quickly before I could speak. "When you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this too."
Did she really think I would leave her alone with Victoria running around? Hadn't I just told her how sorry I was for leaving her safety up to the werewolves? I started to contradict her again, but I knew that more talk from me wouldn't get us anywhere. It was time for her to give me some answers. I put some distance between us before I spoke, trying to brace myself for the worst.
"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so…hesitant, so careful," I began softly and if my heart were still beating it would have been trying to pound its way out of my body with anxiety. "I need to know why," Is it because I'm too late…because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to?" I paused again, praying that Jacob Black had not replaced me, and knowing that if he had, it was no one's fault but my own. "That would be…
Hell for me
… quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please…just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" My voice was just a desperate sigh now as I waited for her to say the words that would break me.
"What kind of an idiotic question is that?" she replied impatiently. Her tendency to be evasive was manifesting itself again and I couldn't take anymore.
"Just answer it, please," I begged. I knew it was a stupid question, but I needed to hear her say the words outright. For her to tell me that she was in love with Jacob Black, or that she would never trust me again.
"The way I feel about you will never change," she said in a voice that was almost insulted. "Of course I love you. And there's nothing you can do about it!"
She still loved me. After all of this she was still mine.
"That's all I needed to hear." I said.
Indescribable elation flowed through my body like electricity and a second later, I leaned toward her and crushed my lips to hers, kissing her with a level of passion I had never allowed before. She responded immediately, her heart racing as she stroked my face and kissed me back. No longer tempted by her blood, I pressed myself against her as we lay side by side on her narrow bed in the dark. I stroked her face and savored the soft warmth of her skin. The burning in my throat merely intensified my need for her. I only moved my mouth a centimeter away from hers in half second intervals when I had to because she needed to breathe.
"Bella…Bella… Bella," I moaned while she caught her breath in short bursts between kisses. Her heart continued to pick up speed and I tore myself away from her reluctantly when the accelerated rhythms seemed to be making her light headed. I shifted my position, hoping that she hadn't noticed the extent of my excitement as I pressed my ear to her chest, listening to her heart and lungs working harder than usual. The sounds of life in her warm body were like the most beautiful music I'd ever heard. She was alive and we were together. She still wanted me even though I didn't deserve her, and I would never let her go again.
"By the way," I said lightly after we'd both had time to relax. "I'm not leaving you."
I waited for her to say something, but she didn't, and I understood what her unresponsiveness meant. I moved my head from her chest and looked into her eyes. "I'm not going anywhere! Not without you." I said emphatically.
"I only left in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy human life. I could see what I was doing to you…keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in…risking your life every moment I was with you," I continued, looking at her beseechingly, begging her to understand my motives for leaving.
"So I had to try…I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish." I paused for a fraction of a second to gage her expression. She was looking intently at me, but her face was calm and impassive, so I couldn't tell what she was thinking. She had clearly learned to control her emotions much more carefully while I had been away.
"Only you could be more important than what I wanted…what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you. I know I'll never be strong enough to leave you again. I have too many excuses to stay…thank heaven for that! It seems that you can't be safe no matter how many miles I put between us." I said, smiling slightly to myself. Bella still needed a guardian vampire.
My smile vanished when I saw the look on her face change from neutral to pained and doubtful.
"Don't promise me anything," She said softly and the mistrust in her voice was painfully obvious. I had poured out my heart to her, kissed her, touched her; I'd done everything to show her how much I loved her…the hurt I felt made me want to lash out at her, and I was angry.
"You think I'm lying to you now?" I asked her furiously. I watched her closely, seeing the fear and sadness in her dark eyes. I was instantly full of remorse. I had no right to be angry. She was only trying to protect herself from more pain. She'd suffered so much because of what I'd done. What else could I expect?
"No, not lying," she replied finally with a shake of her head. She paused for a moment, the familiar frown creasing the space between her eyebrows. She seemed to be trying to think through her response. The suspense was killing me.
"You could mean it now," she continued. "But what about tomorrow when you think of all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month when Jasper takes a snap at me?"
I tensed in pain at the memory of that horrible night that had set off a life altering chain of events for both of us. I would have to deal with the repercussions of all the errors in judgment I'd made in response to Jasper's lapse in control for a long time to come. The hardest of which would be working to regain the trust that Bella had given me so freely before.
I waited for her to say more, but she was lost in her thoughts again. I could only hope that she was trying to process everything that I'd said to her tonight.
"It isn't as though you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it?" She said finally. "You'll end up doing what you think is right."
I hadn't thought it through long enough, apparently. Otherwise I might have taken the time to calm down and think rationally. Well, probably not. I had never been rational when it came to Bella's safety. I worried incessantly over her from the moment I knew that I loved her. Her human frailty frightened the hell out of me, and all the near death experiences she'd had intensified my fears.
"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for," I admitted, swallowing the last of my pride. I had never been strong enough to stay away from her, and I would never have the fortitude to leave her again. It was too painful to even think about. I was already worried about letting her out of my sight to go hunting. I would have to do that soon; I was getting weaker by the day.
"Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; before Rosalie told me the news, I was coming back anyway. I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to get through a single hour. It was only a matter of time, and not much of it, before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that." Begging was the least that I could do. Maybe shameless pleading would convince her where my words and kisses had failed.
"Be serious, please," Bella replied, wincing. She didn't think I meant it. Getting her to trust me again was going to be harder than I thought.
"Oh I am," I replied forcefully. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?" There were no words to sufficiently describe the profound love I have for her, but I would try my best, and I would start from the beginning. I needed to say all the things I'd never told her. I'd taken it for granted that she'd understood, at least to a certain extent, how strong my feelings were, but I was wrong. I looked at her for a long moment to make sure I had her full attention. Her eyes were completely focused on me, so I took a deep breath and made myself more vulnerable to her than I ever had before.
"Before you Bella, my life was like a moonless night," I began, thinking of when I'd first met her and I'd ran off to Alaska. "Very dark, but there were points of light and reason…and then you shot across my sky like a meteor." I remembered looking at the stars and only seeing her face after that first day. "Suddenly, everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore, and there was no more reason for anything."
I suddenly realized that the astronomy analogy was perfect. The light had gone completely from my universe when I'd left her behind; as though it had been sucked into a black hole; still in existence, but invisible to me. I was the event horizon on the outside of the light.
"Your eyes will adjust," she answered quietly. Did that mean she was going to send me away? Was she trying to assure me that I would move on someday? Fear rose in my throat, constricting it for a moment. Did she really think that I could go back to the dark, lonely existence I'd lived before I met her? Before I had the knowledge of a love so powerful that I would move heaven and earth for it? I was permanently and irreversibly altered by the beautiful and extraordinary woman in front of me.
"That's just the problem," I replied. "They can't."
"What about your distractions?" she asked. I laughed bitterly. She was going to make me explain and recant every single lie I'd told her in the forest that day.
"Just part of the lie, love," I replied. "There was no distraction from the…agony." Agony; yes, I supposed that word would do. "My heart hasn't beat in almost 90 years, but this was different; it was like my heart was gone…like I was hollow….like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."
I remembered the unrelenting emptiness I'd felt from the moment I'd lied to her in the forest until I'd seen her again in Volterra and I shuddered imperceptibly.
"That's funny," she muttered.
Was she mocking me now?
"Funny?" I repeated questioningly, trying to keep the pain out of my voice.
"I meant strange; I thought it was just me," she explained. "Lots of pieces of me went missing too. I haven't been able to breathe in so long." She took a deep breath as she said this, as though she hadn't taken in any air for several minutes. "And my heart, that was definitely lost."
I relaxed as I understood that she wasn't making fun of me; she was comparing her feelings with mine. I wrapped my arms around her again and laid my head back on her chest, listening to the steady pounding inside her. She turned her head and pressed her cheek into my hair, and I smiled. We were finally getting somewhere.
"Tracking wasn't a distraction, then?" she asked me, and I could feel the vibration of her voice on the side of my face. My smile vanished and I took a deep breath. It looked like I was going to have to admit to my ineptitude at tracking too. My ego was in shreds already, so why not? I had Bella back, and that was all that mattered anyway.
"No," I replied, exhaling loudly. "That was never a distraction; it was an obligation."
"What does that mean," she asked, and her breath in my hair tickled my scalp. It was wonderful.
"It means that while I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with…" I broke off, thinking of how the revenge I was seeking had backfired. I had underestimated her tenacity and intelligence and overestimated my own.
"Well, like I said I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas and I followed a false lead down to Brazil." I thought I was so clever when I found those credit card receipts, but she'd planted them and I took the bait. "And really she came here; I wasn't even on the right continent; and all the while, worse than my worst fears…" I groaned audibly. My arrogance had led Victoria straight to Bella; so while I was holed up in Rio, wandering the streets and wallowing in my misery, my love was fighting for her life and hiding behind werewolves.
"You were hunting Victoria!" Bella cried angrily. Her voice was so loud that she nearly woke Charlie. We both froze and waited for him to settle back in to a deeper sleep before resuming our conversation.
"Not well," I conceded as I got up to look at Bella. Half of my face was warm from the contact with her chest and I hated to pull away. Her expression confused me; it was alarmed almost to the point of hostility. Was she angry with me for letting Victoria slip away; for leading her here? "But she won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer," I assured her.
Carlisle and the others were probably monitoring our territory at this very moment, and if Victoria was in the area there was no way she could elude all of them; they were much more skilled than a bunch of mutant dogs. I desperately wanted to kill her myself, but as long as she died I guess it didn't matter which of us finished her.
"That is…out of the question," she spluttered finally. There was an anxious expression on her face that I still didn't totally understand. Surely she didn't want me to just let her go? There was no way I could do that.
"It's too late for her," I replied coldly. "I might have let the other time slide, but not, now!"
Not after she sent Laurent after Bella…not after she'd spent weeks trying to kill her. I hated to admit it, even to myself, but I was grateful for the Quileutes.; if they hadn't looked after her…Bella might have…
"Not after…" I continued, planning to explain my logic, but Bella interrupted me.
"Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" she accused, and her face was pained and wary again. "That isn't exactly compatible with a long tracking expedition."
Ahh! Her anxiety made sense now. She was afraid that I was going to go off and leave her again. That was impossible. I kept forgetting how little she trusted me.
"I will keep my promise, Bella," I replied with a low instinctive snarl. "But Victoria is going to die soon."
"Let's not be hasty," Bella answered quickly, her voice shaky. "Maybe she's not coming back. I'll bet Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. "Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."
Carlisle had already predicted that the wolves would impede our ability to search for Victoria, because we would have to be extra aware of the treaty lines and Alice couldn't see around them. I wanted her dead. But it hadn't occurred to me that she might have vanished entirely thanks to Jacob Black and his kennel mates. Jacob Black.
Jake.
I hated the way she said his name. There was a subtle affection in her tone that made me burn with jealousy. I imagined how much fun it would be to rip them both apart, Victoria and the dog.
"It's true. The werewolves are a problem," I muttered more to myself than in response to Bella's comment about having bigger problems than Victoria. I frowned to myself, wondering what I was going to do about making sure the boy stayed away from Bella.
Bella laughed impatiently. I looked up in surprise at the sound.
"I wasn't talking about Jacob," she said, still chuckling. "My problems are a lot worse than a handful of adolescent werewolves getting themselves into trouble."
She still had no survival instincts. Naturally, she should have been scared of the wolves but she wasn't. Typical Bella! Well, I had to make her understand that there was nothing funny about werewolves.
The somber lecture I wanted to give her on the dangers of werewolves was on the tip of my tongue before I stopped myself. I ground my teeth; now wasn't the time to argue about the subject. We had so many other things to think about. I had just gotten Bella back and I didn't want to start a fight. So, I wouldn't bring it up until I had to. I focused instead on something else she said that was almost as foolhardy.
"Really, what would be your greatest problem?" I asked her skeptically, wondering what could possibly be worse than a mad vampire running wild in the area. "That would make Victoria returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison."
"How about the second greatest?" she responded uncomfortably, biting her lower lip as was her custom when she was nervous.
"All right," I said warily. How many problems did she have anyway?
"There are others who are coming to look for me," She whispered tremulously.
Ahh. The Volturi of course! To her they would seem to be more of a threat, especially since our terrifying encounter with them was so fresh in her mind. But I wasn't nearly as worried about them as I was matters that were closer to home. Yet, I had to wonder what could possibly be worse than Victoria, the wolves, and the Volturi?
"The Volturi are only the second greatest?" I asked her curiously.
"You don't seem that upset about it," she replied, not answering my question. This inflamed my curiosity, but I didn't question her further. She would tell me in her own time, and it was more important for me to comfort her than anything else right now. She'd been through a terrible ordeal.
"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through," I replied simply, and this was perfectly true. "Time means something different to them than it does to you, or even to me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again."
I wasn't prepared for the intense hurt and fear that marred her face in response to my words. Her eyes filled with unexpected tears. She was so frightened, and it was all because she'd come looking for me. How could I be so insensitive! I should have known from her nightmares that she was still reeling from what she'd witnessed in Italy.
"You don't have to be afraid," I soothed. "I won't let them hurt you." I had made my plans already. I would make sure they never found her. I'd seen the look on her face when she'd witnessed those people being herded into that cold dark hallway for dinner. I wouldn't condemn her to this life, especially not now.
"While you're here," she whispered. What was I going to have to do to convince her of my sincerity! I took her damp face in my hands and pulled it up to mine so that she could see into my eyes.
"I will never leave you again!" I said fiercely, repeating my promise.
"But you said…thirty," she sniffed, her face crumpling. "What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right."
That wasn't what I'd expected. How many times was she going to surprise me tonight? She still wanted to be changed! Or, at least she thought she did. She had never seen a newborn vampire in action, and she was still so young…she still had so much to lose; her ability to have children, to be in the sun, to be with her parents, and most of all, she risked losing her soul. Still, it was hard to resist her impulsive desire for this life when she looked at me with tears on her face…when I thought of keeping her with me forever. But I wouldn't allow my own selfish desires to cloud my vision. I wouldn't permit anyone to change her, not for me and not for the Volturi. I was sure of that.
"That's exactly what I'm going to do," I answered her through pursed lips. "What choice have I? I cannot be without you but I will not destroy your soul."
"Is this really…" she began in a thick, uneven voice. But, she didn't finish her sentence. Instead she looked away from me, her soft face still wet with tears, reconsidering whatever it was she wanted to ask me.
"Yes," I prompted her after a moment. I wanted to hear what she was thinking.
"But what about when I get so old people think I'm your mother, or your grandmother," she said in an appalled whisper.
She was afraid that I wouldn't want her when she was older. Was this all about vanity, then? I doubted it. I was sure there was more to her question…more that she wanted to say, and I could infer the rest.
"That doesn't mean anything to me," I murmured, kissing away her tears. "You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world." I wanted her to know that I would always love her no matter what… love her unconditionally no matter what she decided to do with her mortal life. But, it was hard to say the words for selfish reasons.
"Of course…" I began, unable to keep the fear out of my face, "If you outgrew me…if you wanted something more…I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me." I meant it. It would kill me, but I would let her go if that was what she ever needed. I would watch over her and try to be happy for her.
"You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?" she said bitterly. Of course I did. I'd resigned myself to her eventual fate and to mine as well.
"I'll follow after as soon as I can," I assured her. I hadn't changed my mind about that. When she left this world, so would I.
"That is seriously…sick," she hissed. I had expected her reaction. She'd been appalled when I'd first mentioned this course of action to her last fall, and back then she hadn't totally understood how serious I was.
"Bella," I protested, ignoring the remark she made about my sanity. "It's the only right way left…"
"Let's just back up for a minute," she interrupted angrily. She wasn't crying now. "You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. Even if they don't remember me until I'm thirty…do you really think they'll forget?"
They wouldn't forget. She knew that just as well as I did, but I had a plan for that too. I'd had time to think about it while she was asleep.
"No," I replied slowly. "They won't forget, but…"
"But?" she interrupted me impatiently.
I smiled reassuringly at her. "I have a few plans."
"And these plans," she hissed angrily, reminding me irresistibly of her father for a moment. "These plans all center around me staying human?"
"Naturally," I replied simply. This was a foregone conclusion. She believed me on this matter at least, even if she doubted other things that I'd told her tonight. I was sure my plans would work, especially after Bella's immunity to Aro.
She glared stubbornly at me, and I returned the angry expression. I usually saw her fury as endearing, but the seriousness of this situation made it hard to be amused, and I had never seen her so upset with me. The anger in her face did not soften as it usually did after a time. She sighed in exasperation after a long moment before she pushed me away and sat upright in the bed.
"Do you want me to leave?" I asked her sadly. I could hear her heart rate change as I said the words. I tried not to look hurt as I braced myself for her to throw me out.
"No," she replied, her voice businesslike. "I'm leaving." She got up and left me lying alone on her little bed, still wrapped in her blankets. She stumbled around the room, unable to see in the dark, searching for something…her shoes more than likely. I could see them sitting at the foot of the bed, but I wasn't about to help her find them. I was too afraid of where she might be headed.
"May I ask where you are going?" I inquired, terribly afraid that she was going to say La Push. I couldn't follow her there, and Jacob Black would be more than happy to see her. Charlie was going to ground her, but he wouldn't be awake for several hours, and he probably wouldn't object to any plans she had with her Quileute friends anyway.
"I'm going to your house," she said as she bent down beside the bed to look underneath it.
That was unexpected, but I was relieved; I didn't think sneaking out of the house was wise, but at least she was going somewhere that I could go too. I got up off the bed and picked up the sneakers sitting next to the footboard.
"Here are your shoes," I said, handing them to her. "How did you plan to get there?"
"My truck," she replied. That noisy fossil would wake the dead, and Charlie would be up as soon as she turned the key. He would know where she was going, and that would fuel his already unparalleled anger at me.
"That will probably wake Charlie," I said, hoping to get her to reconsider. I had a sinking suspicion that she wanted to see Alice to discuss the argument we'd just had because she knew my sister would support her, and I really didn't want to deal with both of them.
"I know," she answered sadly. "But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?"
With Bella, there were no limits on the amount of trouble she could find. But, saying such a thing was a really bad idea.
"None," I said instead. "He'll blame me, not you." That was true, and I was hoping to play on her sympathies by pointing that out.
"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears," She countered.
"Stay here," I replied, knowing that I was wasting my breath. Bella never backed away from anything when she'd made up her mind; she was the most determined person I'd ever known. And right now, she was hell bent on going to my house to further her cause.
"No dice," she said jokingly. "But you make yourself at home." It was nice to hear the humor in her voice, but there was nothing funny about the idea of Charlie finding me here, or of Bella talking to Alice about changing her. She started to walk toward the door to leave, but I was standing in front of it before she even had time to register my movements. She scowled at me and started toward the window.
She looked out of the smudged glass as though she was trying to see how far down it was. She knew I would never let her jump out of her second story window.
"Okay," I said, knowing she was going to go no matter what. I sighed in resignation. "I'll give you a ride."
She shrugged nonchalantly at me. "Either way, but you should probably be there too."
I frowned, not understanding what she meant. "And why is that?" I asked, knowing that the answer wasn't going to be to my liking.
"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated," she replied in a methodical tone. "And I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views."
"My views on which subject?" I grumbled, though I already knew. Did she really think that talking to Alice would have any impact on my opinion or my sister's? Alice had been saying that Bella would be changed for over a year now, and she'd actually debated on doing the job herself. Was Bella going to give me a chance to try to stop her?
"This isn't just about you anymore," Bella replied in the same businesslike voice. "You're not the center of the universe you know. If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us for something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say."
Stupid? My family…not just Alice, but the whole family? This was not going to be good.
"A say in what," I asked her unnecessarily. She was going to try to get all of them behind her.
"M y mortality," she answered, confirming my strong and unpleasant suspicions. "I'm putting it to a vote."
Without another words, I took her into my arms and jumped out of the window, already planning my counter arguments.
You'll either kill her yourself or she'll be one of us some day. Alice had predicted.
I didn't know what my family would decide tonight. As I checked to make sure Bella was comfortably and securely wrapped around my back before I started running, I was suddenly sure that I was fighting fate. All I could hope to do what prolong the inevitable, and at that moment, I had no idea how to manage it.
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