Basically, he watched every video with Jane in it.
It was too bad that he'd had enough med school training to know that your body's reflexes prevented you from punching yourself in the face.
He was ashamed, depressed, sickened – all the feelings he feared would come if he dared to confront those ugly realities, all the things he wanted to avoid and had been avoiding for months. He was miserable. But he didn't regret doing it. It was better than the alternative.
Obviously, Darcy and Caroline had been wrong about Jane, about the night at the bar and the kiss at the party. He didn't know what had really happened or why his friend and sister had been so convinced that Jane was cheating on him, but it didn't matter. They were wrong. And he never dared to question it. Not from some admirable reason like trusting his family and friends, but from the shameful wish to avoid confronting something unpleasant. And look what it had done to Jane. Look what he had done.
It was hard to settle on what he was feeling after he watched the video called "New Jane." On the one hand, he was really glad that she was starting to recover from how horribly he'd treated her, that she could move on with her life and find happiness again. On the other hand...she would never, never take him back. Thinking of him, even of something innocent like snickerdoodles, made her falter and frown.
It was like Darcy said later on in the Pemberley videos. Coming back into Jane's life now would just cause her more pain.
Once he'd gotten through all the old ones, Bing kept watching the new videos. For one thing, he was really worried about their family after that horrible thing George Wickham did to Lydia. But if he was honest with himself, he was holding onto the only remaining connection he had to Jane. After the way he'd screwed up, there was nothing left but this.
So he thought, until Lizzie mentioned him to Jane in one of her videos.
She wasn't happy, obviously. But she also seemed – confused. Like she had no idea what to think. And Bing found himself remembering something Lizzie had said in that video when she encouraged Jane to LA – something about getting closure. Jane had never gotten it.
Somehow he restrained himself from pulling up the travel app on his phone right away. Before he leapt forward and bought a plane ticket for the very next day, he needed to figure out just what he was doing. If he was going to do this, it had to be for the right reasons. Not for himself, much as he wanted it. For Jane's sake. For closure.
He rehearsed speeches in his head, the apologies he needed to make without any conditions or expectations. He wasn't sure how Jane would respond. Lots of girls would slam the door in his face without another word. Others might start crying, or shouting at him. And it was within her right to do any of those things. Having acknowledged that, he wasn't quite so eager to buy that ticket. This was the confrontation he'd been avoiding since September. It didn't matter that the blame was on his side, not Jane's as he had once stupidly assumed. It would be uncomfortable, miserable for both of them….easier to just turn away and hide again.
Not this time. Jane deserved better.
As it turned out, there weren't any tickets available for the very next day, but two days later was just fine. More time to prepare himself. Time to debate whether or not to bring a gift, whether she would see it as a peace offering or just some kind of tasteless bribe. Time to decide, at the last minute, to bring a bag of snickerdoodles.
He was relieved that Mr. Bennet answered the door, and that he talked to Lizzie first. As hard as that conversation was, it felt easy compared to what must be coming with Jane.
Then she didn't want to see him at all. That was her right. It seemed incredibly obvious, now that he thought of it, that he should have called her first. But then, the confrontation would have come out over the phone, and he never would have been able to see her. So this visit had a selfish motive anyway, didn't it?
Oh, she was coming down after all.
Bing had spent months thinking of her, regretting everything, imagining how things would be different if he were still with her – but his imagination had somehow left out the sheer electricity of her presence, the incredible power beneath her quiet grace, the way her soft gaze turned his heartbeat into a wild gallop. He stood there in a daze, and all the planned speeches fled his mind, leaving him mute.
He didn't even register that Lizzie had left until Jane said, "Should we sit?"
"Oh," he said. "Uh, yeah."
Compared to most other people, Jane's behavior was polite and pleasant. Compared to her old self, though, she was positively cold. He hadn't missed the fact that she had returned his It's good to see you with a mere Hello.
Once they sat down, Bing managed to remember enough of his rehearsed words to say, "I'm just here to apologize. That's all."
"I appreciate it."
What else was there to say? "I shouldn't have left like that, without saying a word to you. I was a coward. I wasn't thinking of how it would affect you, and that was wrong. So wrong." He felt like every word was wrenched out of him, like he was pulling his own teeth out. And Jane just kept looking down. "Well…I guess I should go. I don't want to bother you any longer."
"Wait." She faced him, finally, with a face so serious he didn't know what to think. "Bing." She took a deep breath. "A lot has changed over the last few months. I've changed."
"I have too," he said quietly. And with a twinge he realized that Jane was the one person he would want to confide in about quitting med school, the one he wouldn't be afraid to tell. If only.
"We can't pick things up from where we left off." She was twisting her hands in her lap, her face so intent he found himself mesmerized. "But maybe we could try – being friends."
"I'd like that," he said immediately. Friends, when he'd been afraid she would want him out of her life forever? Yes, he'd take that. "I'll – I'll be in town for a little while, if you'd like to meet up sometimes." He hadn't planned his trip beyond this meeting, hadn't even bought a return ticket yet, but he'd adjust every plan in his life for this. Already had, in fact.
"That would be nice." She met his eyes again. "We can try a fresh start."
In spite of himself he was searching her eyes for the promise of something more, something beyond friendship, somewhere that this fresh start could eventually lead with time and patience and by avoiding past mistakes….but he stopped searching, forced a friendly, ordinary smile, and said, "That's great. Thank you, Jane."
He was positively weak-kneed by the time he said goodbye and left. That was hard. In med school he had dissected cadavers and examined photos of gruesome cancerous growths, seen any number of horrifying, stomach-turning things. All of that had been difficult, of course, but somehow this topped them all. And he had made it through. Not completely happy, but satisfied that he'd finally done something right by Jane.