Chapter Seventy-Eight

~ Estel ~
"Hey, lady, are you okay?"

I started, whirling to my left and almost going for the dagger that wasn't there. I hadn't expected my reverie to be disturbed, and especially not by the likes of a little boy with a sandy mop of dark blonde hair and open, honest, and at the moment concerned eyes that were the same blue-grey as mist over the ocean.

I had run from the room almost three hours ago.

No one had found me yet, but I knew better than to think it was due to luck or a good hiding place on my part. No. They were probably either trying to give me time and space, or trying to restrain and calm Legolas.

Legolas.

The sight of his face, so anguished, so torn, so bitter, rose too easily in front of me.

Oh, meleth, how this must be tearing you apart.

"Lady?"

I glanced back at the boy, and had to rack through my mind to think of what he had asked me. "What? Oh – yes, I'm fine, child."

He took a hesitant step closer. "You don't seem like it, lady. Uh, no offense intended," he added quickly, no doubt noting the fine elegance of the clothes and realizing that I was more than a simple commoner of Minas Tirith.

"It is fine," I said gently, seeing the hesitation and understanding it easily. "I just have a great deal on my mind. . . If there is anyone to apologize, it is me."

A smile appeared on his face.

"Do you live around here?" he asked. "It's a great view, there, see, so . . ."

I returned my gaze over Minas Tirith. I couldn't see much of the entire city, but I saw enough to know that I seemed very much like a newcomer, standing here and standing quietly with my gaze fixated on the city – or, in my case, on the horizon – thinking or simply gazing in wonder and awe at Minas Tirith.

"No. I do not live here." But one day I might.

"You see the coronation of the King?" he pressed eagerly.

I had to smile at his eagerness, so innocent and so happy. "Yes, I did, as a matter of fact."

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Closest I got was peeking through the servants' quarters. How was it? Was it fancy? Well, it's always fancy, but how was it? And did you know, there was a rumor that the Elves came! Well, at least some of them. But did you see any? And do you know anything about them? I've heard nothing but the old legends about the 'fair folk', but are they really fair and all?"

I laughed, raising my hands in mock surrender. "Child, if you want your questions answered, at least try and give me breathing space to answer!"

"Oh." He shuffled his feet, properly abashed. "Sorry, lady."

"It is nothing, child." I leaned against the wall. "So – what do you want to know?"

He perked back up instantly, eyes wide.

And then his stomach rumbled.

I laughed. "Mayhap we should find some food to fill that belly of yours first," I suggested, still laughing.

He mumbled, "Don't have food."

"Well, maybe it is time to remedy that," I said, feeling the slight pang of memory. I hadn't been in that situation for so long since I had come under the wings of Elrond, and then Aragorn, and then Legolas – but I could still remember times, way back when I had been a slave, when I had had that same innocent anguish of starving. I held out my hand. "Come, let's go raid the kitchens, shall we?"

He looked at me, eyes wide again. "Raid them?" he exclaimed. "But – "

I winked. "It will be our little secret, won't it?"

A slow grin crept across his face, and he set his hand in mine with a firm and delighted exclamation of agreement.

Just as I had said, we did indeed go to the kitchens. A half dozen words to the servants were enough to procure enough food to fee us and two others besides. The boy regarded me with amazed eyes when I returned with the food, although eventually he managed to put his awe aside long enough to dig in.

In between bites of food, I must have spent the next half an hour recounting the coronation to the boy. He was so curious, and his happiness was almost infectious. I couldn't help but smile and laugh around him, and for a time, the hole in my heart eased a bit.

I was just in the middle of describing Arwen when I noticed how close the sun was to the horizon.

She said I had to choose tonight.

And night was almost here.

"I am afraid that I must go, child," I told the boy, rising from my seat.

"Oh. . . . Thanks anyway! I really learned a lot, and one day, I'm gonna be just like you!"

I paused in the doorway. "Why do you say that?"

"Well . . . You were so troubled," he observed. "But you're still holding yourself together, like a real royal or something. And you're really nice. So . . . um . . . thank you, lady."

I smiled.

But as I was gone, he called out suddenly, "Whatever's bothering you, lady – you'll get through it fine! Just like my dad."

I tried to find the heart to wander around Minas Tirith still trying to decide after that, but I found I couldn't. The decision had been made long ago; even now, I was already beginning to reconcile myself with the fact that I would lose Legolas, perhaps forever, to fulfill the promise and carry on my duties as the heiress to the throne and Isildur. It hurt me, but I knew that in the end I had no choice, because the other choice was to turn my back on my people, my family, and my duty, and I couldn't do that.

I had to go back.

Finally, I found myself standing in front of the quarters Legolas and I had been given when we had returned from Mordor.

I took a deep breath and raised my hand to the door. It opened silently, revealing an empty outer chamber. The fire was crackling almost merrily in the corner, and the room was clean and silent, as though I was stepping into it for the first time as a new guest of Minas Tirith. I could almost expect a maid to pop out of the inner chambers, finished with preparing the beds, and greet me.

As it was, the only greeting I got was from Legolas.

He emerged as silently as an Elf, pausing for a moment when he saw me, and then moved to embrace me.

"Estel."

I leaned into his embrace, winding my arms around him, and sighed. "~I am sorry for disappearing, Legolas,~" I said regretfully.

I felt him shake his head, even as he drew me closer.

"~It is no fault of yours,~" he reassured me. "~You needed time to think. We all did.~"

For a long moment, we stood like that, content within the embrace of each other yet knowing it could not last that long. He and I both knew that. He could not have known the choice I had made yet, but perhaps he sensed that our time together was growing short.

"~Did you eat?~"

I nodded against his chest.

Silence.

Legolas loosened his embrace slightly and gazed at my face. His own expression saddened slightly. "~You have chosen, have you not?~" he asked sadly.

I looked down.

He brushed my cheek with his fingers. "~Do not be afraid. I will – I can live with whatever choice you make. I will think no less of you, although I do think I can think a great deal more of you, meleth. But tell me: what have you decided?~"

I pulled away. "~I . . . I cannot . . . abandon my people. Or . . . turn my back . . . on my duty.~"

The entire time, my voice trembled.

Part of me could barely believe that I was saying this. I loved Legolas. I had promised to be there for him as long as my mortal life could allow, and he had pledged to love me as long as he lived – perhaps forever, if he could. We had found our way, through stumbling and pain and battle, and found love that I knew instinctively was something that I would never find again. No one could ever replace Legolas in my heart, and that hole left by his absence

But Legolas only gave a single, grave nod and sad sigh.

"~I always knew. In my heart,~" he admitted. "~It is what I love about you, Estel, and so I always knew what your choice would be. . .~"

I looked back at him. "~You're just going to . . . to let me go?~"

"~It seems I must.~"

He gave me a sad smile to match the sadness in my heart, the resigned feeling of knowing that we were about to leave each other behind and perhaps never see each other ever again.

I sank back in to his embrace, unable to hold back my tears in the face of his generosity and affection.

"~Hush,~" he soothed. "~Do not give up hope yet.~"

I didn't know how long we stood there, but the whole time sadness was falling underneath the flames and waves of a new emotion, something I had never felt before and yet it was something that also demanded to be fulfilled. It burned within me, chasing away the icy coldness of sadness with the warmth of affection, love, and . . . desire.

"Legolas?"

"~Yes?~"

"~I . . . Can I ask you for a favor?~"

"~Anything,~" he promised recklessly, with a gentle squeeze. "~Anything, meleth, that I can give you – just ask.~" He laughed quietly. "~After all, there isn't much that isn't yours.~"

I drew back and examined his eyes.

But they were clear, and open, and honest. He meant it.

Here goes nothing.

I leaned forward, and then I kissed him, winding my arms around my neck, and knowing that he would understand.

At first he started.

Then, very slowly, like an ice statue melting under the sun, he kissed me back.

But when I pressed myself closer, he pulled away and carefully and firmly put distance between us.

"~Are you sure?~" he asked. His musical voice was uneven, almost panting, but he was holding it back. "~Are you completely, absolutely sure, Estel? This is one journey you cannot take back, nor pause. . . You can wait.~"

"~I have waited, Legolas. But I can't wait any longer. When the sun rises – and you know this as well as I do – I'll lose you.~"

"~But . . .~"

I kissed him again. "~There can be no more hesitations between us,~" I said quietly. "~Time is gone, Legolas.~"

Finally, he sighed, and this time when he kissed me I knew that he had removed all barriers between us. We had no more time. And I did not want anyone but him, and he wanted no one but me, and I knew that I trusted him and he trusted me, and since we had no more time, now was the time. If this was to be my last night with him, I wanted to remember it forever.

Legolas swept me up and carried me into the bedroom.

I was awake the second the sun rose.

Before its rays had even crept across the room via the window, I was wide awake, lifting my head from where it rested on Legolas's chest and realizing for the first time just how tightly pressed together we were.

I smiled sadly.

Time had run out now.

Even now, I knew, for Legolas's eyes were, for the first time I had ever seen, closed, and his breathing was deep, and he did not stir when I did. He would not stir, I knew instinctively, until I was gone. No one had seen me enter this Age, and no one would see me leave it. Not even the one I loved most.

Carefully, I untangled myself from him and dressed as quickly as I could.

By the time the rays of sun snuck inside the room, I was dressed and sitting next to Legolas, holding his hand and watching him sleep, trying to memorize the one I loved.

Then, with a small burst of light, I felt another presence.

"Elessariel."

I didn't turn. "Queen Melian."

"It is time," she said softly, almost whispering.

She needn't have bothered. Legolas was sleeping unnaturally soundly, and I knew already that it was time to go. I had known as soon as I had woken.

Finally, I sighed, and leaned forward, and kissed Legolas one last time.

I will never forget you, Legolas, and I will never stop loving you, not even unto the day of my death.

Then I slipped off the bed and faced Queen Melian.

"I am sorry," she said at once. "I know you would have found joy with him, had you been able to stay and live out immortality at his side as your sister will be able to. . . Yes, you would have found great happiness with him."

"I know," was all I said.

She sighed and extended her hand. "Come, child – your destiny awaits." Then she smiled suddenly. "Or should I call you 'Queen Estel Elessariel'?"

I looked back at Legolas just before the light erupted around us, the glow around us, outside of us, in us, blinding my vision and clouding all of my senses as full might of Queen Melian's power was revealed to me for the first time.

He was the last thing I saw before my world went completely, totally, utterly black.

And when I woke up, tears were the first thing I saw.