Chapter Three: Despair

This couldn't be. I shouldn't be at a dead end. I must have taken a wrong turn...I looked to my right nothing. I look to my left, to my relief there was a door. I put my hands to the screen and tried to move it, but to no avail. It wouldn't budge. I cursed furiously under my breath. Are you serious?! I put my hands to my head trying to think up a solution. Maybe I should just confront him...take him head on. He was mad, but not a me, so why am I running? An Image of his smile came to mind. No. There's no turning back. As the seconds stretched I started to panic even more. I began retracing my steps in my head. Okay, I took a left, then a right, then I took a...I cursed under my breath again. I had found the error, I was supposed to make two lefts. I rolled my eyes in aggravation, no...its okay..I'll just go back and...

I heard soft thuds against the floor. I slowly turned my head. The first thing I seen was his left boot come into view. I didn't wait to see the rest. With both hands I banged on the door, and pushed it aside.

Once inside, I shut the door behind me, and ran to the window across the room. I pushed back the blinds and stared outside. It was raining, hard. The sky was dark-every couple second a flash of lightening appeared. I looked down, I had to escape. Although I was on the second floor, I was pretty sure that I would survive the fall. There was a garden just below the window. The flowers, and bushes would cushion the fall. As I thought of the best way to leave without causing myself so much pain, I could still hear the soft thuds in the background. I ripped off my obi and snatched the constricting kimono off. Now with just my under robe on, I had more room to be flexible. Something caught my attention...

The soft thudding had stopped.

I turned around and saw a shadow of someone standing in front of the door. I put both hands on the windows ledge, ready to hoist myself up. I took a deep breath...

"Why did you run?"

My breath caught in my throat.

His breath was on the back of my neck and I could feel his presence behind me.

"You were startled."

I made no sudden movements.

"You have just witnessed for the first time, what I am capable of. And, you reacted just as I thought you would."

He leaned closer to my left ear. "You ran."

I closed my eyes. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. All I could think was, 'This is the end'...'This is the end.'

"Are you scared, Rin?"

I didn't answer him. I couldn't move.

There was a silence...Then I felt his cold hand on mine.

"Are you planning to jump?"

I opened my eyes, and looked at his hand upon mine. Pale, to an earthy ivory.

"Do you fear me so much that you would take your own life?"

Under all my panic and anxiety, I somehow found my voice. "No, My lord."

"Then why is your kimono on the floor? Why are your hands on the windows ledge? You were not merely enjoying the weather, Rin. I would appreciate it if you would not think me as to be so ignorant."

He moved his hand and in the process I felt the tips of his talons.

"I am sorry."

"An apology is not needed. You cannot change what you are."

His words hurt. As If he had just stricken me with his own hand. I turned around to look him in the eye. "What I...am?"

His face was impassive as he looked down at me. "Rin, whether you act oblivious on purpose or not, you are Human and I am Demon."

I gave him a insulted look. Where is this coming from? "Why does it matter?" He made an annoyed sound. "Why does it matter If I am Human and you are Demon?"

"Were you frightened by what had just previously occurred."

My mind seemed to be in a blur from one thing to another. "Well...I was startled..But, I don't think I was frightened..."

"Then why did you run?"

I bit my lip and averted my eyes.

"Are you content to living in a palace filled with demons who might take your life at any given time?"

"Am I... are they trying to kill me? What are you talking about?" I felt as though My heart was going to pop out of my chest. "What are you..Why are you talking in circles?"

Sesshomaru walked to the open window, looking out at the murky sky. He held his head down as he spoke. His voice sounded ragged and exasperated, "Do you...wish to live among humans?"

I shook my head no, but he still spoke as if I hadn't said anything at all.

"I have arranged a marriage between you and the son of the village leader across the river." Sesshomaru began walking to the door.

My world felt as though It had been turned upside down. Words couldn't explain how I felt. I didn't even know how to understand what he had just said to me. How could he arrange a marriage for me? Out of all the ridiculous rules and regulations...This was at the top of the list. For someone who probably speaks a maximum of maybe ten words to me a day, to have the audacity to arrange a marriage for me? No. I'm not going to except this. He is My lord, and I have the utmost respect and undying loyalty to him, but...I will not marry someone who I don't even know. Whom I have never even seen or talked to! I can't. I won't. I will not.

"I cannot."

Sesshomaru stopped in front of the door. He partially turned his head, "Excuse me?"

"I won't."

He raised an eyebrow at me, and began walking towards me. He stopped about two feet in front of me. "You dare disobey me?"

I gathered all of the courage I could muster, "I...will not marry him!"

Sesshomaru took another step.

"Do not think that because I let you do as you please, you will refuse what I am ordering you to do. You are my ward, Rin. You are to heed what I say. Is that clear?"

"No."

Sesshomaru took another step towards me. He now stood directly in front of me. His nose an inch or two away from mine. "I do not have time to play games with an adolescent human girl."

He spoke each word slowly, making sure he emphasized the words 'games' and 'adolescent'. All I could do was stare at him as he spoke. But, as he turned his back on me, I couldn't hold it in.

"You think I go to sleep at night."

My words came out in a blur. I wasn't even sure if he even heard me.

Sesshomaru stood there motionless. I took this time to elaborate. "At night...when you think I am sleep...you come to my room."

He didn't move. I slowly walked past him and stood in front of him. As I looked up, he stared at me with those intense golden eyes. But...I did not fear. This look, unlike the others were..soft. Not in the sense that he himself was soft. But, The emotion in his eyes held so much.

"I wasn't sleep."

He openly stared at me. His eyes roaming over my face as if he were searching for something. For a while, we stayed as such. Then he did something, quite out of the ordinary. He leaned down, his face an less than an inch from mine.

"I never thought you were."

I moved forward and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. This didn't satisfy him, for he began to lean into me, closing the already small distance.

At first...

The kiss was soft, it was tender, it was memorable. Then it became eager, and rough, it was sensuous. Never had I been kissed, but I was pretty sure this wasn't how it was supposed to be. It wasn't supposed to be deep and inviting, warm and so desirable. It was contagious. With every one, I felt as though I had to have another. As though I needed another. Was this what couples partook in when in private? They kissed intense like this? He put his hand to the side of my face, angling our mouths as he did so, and I was ever so grateful! His tongue became an most welcomed guest as it entered my mouth over and over again. But, what was by far the most...interesting thing was that he made a sort of purring sound in the back of his throat. I couldn't help but feel a the warmth of flattery come over me.

I felt his body go tense, then he instantly jerked away. His body had moved with such swiftness that I almost fell forward from lack of support.

"What is wrong?" My voice sounded a little hoarse and out of breath.

He turned, picked up my kimono and shoved it in my hands. "Get dressed."

I did as I was told.

When my obi was tied neatly, I looked up at him questioningly. "What's wrong?" I put my hand on his arm. "My lord? What is-"

He roughly pushed my hand aside. Insulted I opened my mouth to comment on his abruptness when the door opened.

"There you guys are! I have been looking all over! I had come back from my errands only to see a gory mess in the main hall! I mean, heads, arms, legs...Everywhere! What on earth happened?! It looks as if a wild animal was let loose or something, its unbelievable! By Kami, I feel bad for whoever has to clean tha-"

"Jaken."

Jaken stopped his ramblings and looked up at Lord Sesshomaru.

"Oh, sorry My lord. Forgive my useless blabbering! How may I assist you?"

"Take Rin to her room."

I looked at Sesshomaru, he didn't meet my eyes. He deliberately averted my eyes. Jaken looked at me then at Sesshomaru, unsure of what to do. "Go."

Jaken's shrill voice broke the awkward silence. "Uh...yes...Come along Rin!" He grabbed my hand and led me out of the room quickly. As he led me to my room, we walked silently through the halls. Never once, did he let go of my hand.

When we finally reached my room, he closed the door behind us and guided me to my futon. As I sat down on the cotton bedding, he stood in front of me with cautious eyes.

"Rin...what has happened?"

"I..I don't know.."

Jaken tightened the staff of two heads in his hands. "Rin, you must tell me what has happened, now."

I nodded. He was right. I had to tell him what had happened. He would know what to do. I explained to him what happened when I awoke in the morning, the bare room with intricate carved paintings of Sesshomaru's Father and his downfall. I told him about the servants that questioned his motives about keeping me around, and how they were openly insulting him. About how there was a bright light, and when I opened my eyes there was nothing but blood. The whole time I narrated the events he just looked at me with disbelieving eyes. But, when I told him about how he smiled at me. He sucked in so much air I thought he would blow to pieces. After he finally calmed down, and deflated all of that air I told him of what happened in the room and how I was going to jump. I even told him of the intimate moment we had. He didn't seem surprised by it however, he said he had foreseen we would encounter something like that, Seeing as He was male and I was female.

"...Then, he pushed me away and you came in."

He started pacing back and forth across my room.

"And, you are sure that is everything that has happened?"

I nodded my head, "I don't understand why he is so upset Master Jaken. For the first time since I have been with him, I have never feared for myself as much as I did today. He was calm, and then...I felt this tension in the air, and its like I could feel his anger." I opened and closed my hands in demonstration, "You should have seen it!"

He shook his head solemnly, "I think not."

"I think that I may have upset him even worse."

He stopped his pacing, his eyebrows quirked up questioningly. "Why so child."

I began whispering, for fear that the walls would over hear and spread vicious lies about me. "I have become too bold.."

"Indeed." He looked at me with wary eyes, "Do you care for him?"

I answered without hesitation, "Of course."

"...Do you love him?"

I gave a reluctant nod, and he squeezed my hands, "You must not."

"Don't you love our lor-"

"I care for him as My lord. You care for him more than a ward should. You are free to love who ever that you find suitable, but you cannot love him."

"I don't understand. I understand that he is sometimes cold and distant bu-"

"You don't understand, Rin! Its not about simple things like what he likes or dislikes, what he prefers or distastes..Its about you!" He pointed a bulbous green finger at my chest. "You are Human."

Tears started to surface, "Why does that seem to be a problem? Everyone is quick to tell me what I am, what I am not. What he is, what he stands for..I know! I know but it doesn't matt-"

Jaken tightened his hand around his staff, and began pacing again. "How selfish can you be? There are two possible outcomes to this situation: 1) Sesshomaru takes you as his wife or 2) He sends you away. Now tell me which would you prefer?"

"Choice one of course."

"He shook his head and gave a low, humorless laugh. "I see...So you would prefer him to take you as his wife? Well, lets see...you probably have what..thirty or forty years left until he finds you undesirable and repulsed by your wrinkles and deteriorating body. And maybe, forty-five until you actually became too weak to move and bedridden. Then by, a couple days you'll be dead. Then what? Huh?"

I stared at him wide-eyed.

"Don't worry! There's another outcome...Okay, he takes you as his wife, then you become heavy with child. What are you going to do then?"

"Take responsibility. Be a good mother..what else!?"

"You think you'll make it that far?"

"To become a good mother? Why wouldn't I?"

Jaken let out an annoyed noise, "God, child! Its as if you are oblivious to everything! Its like you're not even hearing me! You are Human! He is demon! You are small and fragile, you cannot birth a half-demon!"

"InuYasha's mother did! Why can't-"

He shook his head. "There's one critical point you're missing, Rin. The stronger the demon, the stronger the demon blood coursing through the baby's blood!"

"But, InuYa-"

"Sesshomaru surpassed his father when he mastered tenseiga, and defeated Naraku. Sesshomaru's demon blood is too strong for you."

"What's the difference between Me and her?"

"When InuYasha's mother was birthing him, she died. Luckily, Sesshomaru's father resurrected her with tenseiga. But you Rin..You, have already died! You cannot be resurrected again. When you die again, Its for good."

The tears fell so quick and fast, I didn't even bother to wipe them away. There wasn't a sense of helplessness, or frustration. But, of yearning. These tears that ran like tracks down my cheeks was that of yearning. I was in love with an unemotional being. One, who did not love, who did not want to. Some one who would call it weak, because he couldn't possibly grasp the concept of loving someone so bad that it hurts. People like him..Demons like him...The don't understand...

"You cannot hurt him like that, Rin. You can't...The best thing you can do is leave. The village Leader will be arriving tomorrow morning, with his son..your husband to be."

The tears fell faster, "I can't..I don't love him."

"Its not about love, Rin. Its about what's better for everyone. Its about what's better for him. If you loved him, you wouldn't string him on for a couple years, then leave him. Do you understand how much that will hurt him? In the end you have to think about how it will effect everyone, not just you and your little girl fantasies. He has an empire to rule, He has people to govern, he has time...something you don't." He lowered his head, "If you loved him, you wouldn't pursue what ever infatuation you have..."

He walked to the door and held it open, "Love is a fleeting emotion, that humans claim to have...But what it really is, is fear of being alone." He shut the door, leaving me on my knees in the middle of my floor, slowly sinking into emotional depression.

I put my face to a pillow, and screamed 'I love you', only to find a spot and small specks of blood on it.

It slowly slipped from my mind, along with all the ridiculous flower chains and childish fantasies of him remembering me forever.

I curled into a ball, and wept hard for the love I wanted but couldn't have.