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I could feel my sweat drenching the collar of my navy graduation robe. My neck felt like it was being branded by a hot piece of iron. I could feel myself getting sunburned. I readjust my cap so it creates a shadow to fall over my collar. The tassel tickled the nape of my neck. I turn to my friend next to me who is chatting excitedly about something. I nod and smile. I'm finally going to be out of this stupid boarding school.

At last! The graduation starts. Valedictorians speak and then polite clapping. I plaster a sweaty smile onto my drenched face which I discreetly try to wipe off with my practically waterproof sleeve. Then the headmaster drones on talking of progress and what an honor it has been to have and nourish such great students. Great, my ass. I'm finally getting out of this wretched place. I reflect back on my previous four years here. I remember pulling pranks on some of the scrawny kids, even the teachers, hell! That was fun. But for most of my years, I was a straight-A kid. I remember prom, and how I got so wasted. I remember my first hookup. I remember homecoming and playing for the great soccer team. I can easily recall battling my friends during band class with my trombone.

Thunderous applause erupts and I find myself being pulled out of my montage. I practically clap until my hands sting. Then, an agonizing period of time where people file up to receive their diplomas. Smiles. Handshakes. I hear my name and then I amble my way towards the people that have ruled this hell. I grab my diploma and I smile out into the crowd, looking for Dis and Thorin. Look! There they are! They sit in one of the pristine white lawn chairs in the far back. Mom wears a pair of enormous shades and I see the Thorin has trimmed some of his beard. As I make my way down from the raised platform, my breath hitches and I nearly tumble down the stairs.

Kili.

The last time I remember seeing him was two years ago. I think. I don't know. I probably saw him more recently, but maybe he didn't really stick out to me. He was always hiding in the shadows; he was a wallflower. But today, he was wearing a plain, light blue button down with a bright red bowtie Mom probably stuffed him in. His dark hair was a little mussed up. His face was shiny with sweat and with a band of pinkness spreading across the bridge of his nose and spilling over his cheeks. His hands rested lightly on his knees and his chin was raised as he was twitching almost nervously. He fidgeted a bit and looked around.

I make it back to my seat, feeling a bit dazed. It's been too long since I've seen Kili. It's like…he's not even my brother anymore. That we were just a pair of gloves lost in the summer in a chest full of childhood memories. Kili looked…astonishing. His jaw was more chiseled and his lips were pink, and they were shaped perfectly. His eyes held great clarity even from afar and that red bowtie…

I am flustered for the rest the ceremony. People snap their fingers at me to bring me 'back to Earth'. Congratulations. Good job. You made it! Chuckles. Smiles. Hand shakes. Back pats. I just find myself gravitating towards wear Thorin and Dis were sitting. And Kili. My God, he's beautiful! He has always been handsome, but he went from a scrawny, annoying child to a reserved young man. I wonder how school is for him. I am suddenly curious about what kind of sports he plays. Is he musically talented? What is his favorite subject in school? Does he have a girlfriend?

I approach Mom and Thorin and I see that they are quietly chatting. To my disappointment, I don't see Kili anywhere.

"Where's Kili?" I quickly ask.

"He's over by the refreshments," Dis says. She caresses my shoulder with her soft hand. "How do you feel, Fili?" she asks gently. She almost seems worried about me at such an incongruous time, but I shake the notion off with only one person on my mind.

I shrug. "I feel fine. I'm thirsty. I think I'm going to get something to drink." Before my mother or uncle can object, I hand over my diploma to my mom and tuck my graduation cap under my arm. On my way to the long table with a wide spread of food, I am confronted by my friends and their parents. They are simply just mere obstacles from my current goal. I try my hardest to remain still and not rush my answers as I respond accordingly to probing questions and cheesy jokes. When the last parent I know leaves and I say my farewells and 'good lucks' to my fellows, I make a run for it. Well, not literally. But I speed walk over to where he is, casually sipping apple juice from a clear cup.

He's looking in another direction, so he doesn't see me hurriedly approaching. His lips part open a bit before he brings the cup back to take a sip from it. Then he breaks out into a smile.

For a few moments, my heart lifts. It soars. And then it comes crashing into the unforgiving ground as I realize his pink lips and perfect dimples weren't for me. A girl in a yellow dress hops into his arms and then…

They pull in for a kiss. I slowly backtrack, scoffing a bit before I actually break into a jog away from them. The intimacy they had created a pang in my heart. It was strange seeing that Kili in fact, was someone I hardly seemed to know anymore.

I head back to Dis and Thorin.

KILI

Mom insisted that I button my shirt all the way up and that I should wear a red bowtie that rivaled an emergency signal during an inferno within a hospital. Not to mention I was really sweaty and my back was dripping with sweat.

My brother's graduation took forever under the relentless sun. I saw Hope in her yellow lace dress that complemented her chestnut hair perfectly. She always looked perfect. Her head was held with a quiet confidence and her nape led flawlessly into her smooth shoulders and her tan back. Her brother also happened to be in the same school and class as Fili.

I wasn't sure what I felt when I saw Fili. Every time I see him, or even think about him, I'd always think back to that night when we were young during that thunderstorm. I remember curling up next to him, burying my nose into where his neck met his shoulder. His loose blonde hair was ruffled against my nose, and I could feel the steady rise-and-fall of his body as he slept. He felt so…comfortable. He felt so right.

And here he is, four years later. He definitely grew up. He filled out, and his body was now as sturdy as a stone wall. He got taller and his face was a little more chiseled. He was more serious, and there was gravity around him.

Fili is the god of my idolatry. Or at least he was. After that night, I woke up to a cold spot next to me on the bed. He left without saying goodbye. I remember spending last night lying awake and clinging onto Fili, thinking about what games we'd play together the next day or what toys I'd show him. I admired him so much that it almost hurt when he rejected me to shut himself into his room, discarding me. He was my older brother and I loved him.

And when I grew up, dreaming about him and thinking about his strong back and slim waist pressed against my body, it was intense for me. I seemed to lust after him, but I denied that fact. He was my brother.

When I got older, I thought about him less. He was there for my middle school graduation, but he just held a deadpan expression the entire time and blew me off every time I tried to talk with him. That hurt. And eventually, I just…stopped trying.

I guess Hope basically took over my life, in a good way. She was there for me from school projects to lunch to just…feeling down. Down and out. She was my best friend, my companion, my confidante. I trust her immensely because I knew that she would never throw me out, and she would never turn me away.

Seeing Fili was like a feast for my eyes. I filled my sight with him and every aspect of him—the way his gown hung over his broad chest and shoulders, his stance, his gliding gait. Then I quickly turned my eyes away, remembering the things he has done to me. And the friendship he never offered. Why should I worship him when he casts me out like a puppy into the cold rain?

I avoid confrontation with him when the entire speech comes to an end. I head over to the refreshments table when I catch Hope's eye and I nod. She makes her way over.

I feel her arms circle around me and she smile, her button nose and green eyes all pointing towards me. She pulls me in for a deep kiss.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a tall man in a navy robe make his way over. The moment my lips brush against Hope's, I see him back away. I wonder who that was. Was it Fili? No, it couldn't be. He practically hates me.

I pull Hope to me and I take her back to Mother and Uncle Thorin, where I hope to introduce her to them.