Chapter 10-In Doubt
"I'm not so sure about this arrangement."
"What's wrong with it?"
"It's just not as friendly to our recent situation."
"I know, but there's no way we can accommodate everyone and not set it this way," Theodore and Eleanor were again in their apartment organizing the thoughts in a corporeal form. The carpet was littered with different clippings and cut outs, the tables were covered with yesterday's dishes and books unread. The house was in disarray, but they were far too busy to notice. The preparations for their wedding weren't done and they had a limited time span in which to complete it. They were fast becoming overwhelmed by the mountain of work which they had to deal with.
"I just don't think we can continue to delude ourselves that everything will magically fix itself in two months time," Theodore said to Eleanor. They had to move the wedding to July due to the massive amounts of work they were doing.
"I agree, but I can't see a feasible way to do everything . The situation is far too complicated at this point."
"There's a way."
"Then what?"
"Well, basically, we can put them on two different side of the room, and segregate the two parties like we originally thought to do."
"They're sitting with the wedding party though."
"I know, but I have a feeling if we just keep the bride's maids on one side and the ushers on the other. It will work."
Eleanor sighed, "I guess It will have to."
Simon as sitting at home playing his acoustic he had recently bought. The past few weeks, he had slowed down his studies and started to focus on music more often under the pseudonym, Les Enfants. He started playing shows as a solo act with a focus on synthesized music. It was interesting and creative, but Alvin saw him slowly spiral downwards.
"Simon, are you going to class today?"
"Why should I? I found out that I officially have enough credits to graduate not including these classes."
"You do?"
Simon put his guitar down and grabbed a notebook, "Yeah, I put them as no counts if my GPA is to drop as a result."
"Are you graduating then?"
Simon sighed, "There's nothing here for me anymore. I'm going to spend this next year focusing on my music and then go to graduate school next year," he got a text message and he picked up his guitar and notebook, "I'm leaving. Just got a call that one of my friends on the circuit in New York needs me to fill in for his band tonight so I should leave now," Simon grabbed his messenger bag, strapped his guitar on his back and started walking out the door.
"It's only noon, I think you have time."
"I'm going to have to take the car," Simon said as he walked out of the door. Alvin ran after him and opened the door as he walked down the stairs.
"No, wait, you can't just take our car," Alvin ran in front of him.
"Why the hell not? You're not going out tonight anyway. Go back to the frat house or something and I'll see you tomorrow," Simon's voice was cold and unfeeling.
"It's not that, you've slowly fallen to the bottom. You disappear for days at a time, with our car."
"Our car? We're still not sure who paid for it."
"It's that! Your attitude has completely changed," as Alvin said that Simon tried to get past him. Alvin stepped in his way again.
"You can fuck off and get the hell out of my way," Alvin was in shock as Simon walked past him and lit a cigarette. The wind was blowing angrily that afternoon. Alvin stood in shock for what seemed to be hours. He got a text, looked at his watch, sighed, and left the apartment complex.
Spring was in bloom all around him as Alvin walked through campus. Cherry blossom trees were budding, flowers were bloom and it was a mild 67 degrees. Alvin looked down as he walked across campus. People greeted him, but he barely acknowledged anyone. He was deep in thought as he walked around the campus. Through runner and cars, he walked as if nothing was there. He arrived at his final destination some time later. It was a small bagel shop on the busiest street on campus, but it was abandoned. His confidant was sitting at a table at the far end of the dining area. She was looking out the window at the passers by as he walked up to her and sat down.
"Hello, Jeanette."
"Hi, Alvin."
"What is it that you want today?" Alvin's tone was crass and his body language was closed.
"I just need to talk to someone. Brittney has completely left me, Eleanor is busy with Theo all the time and I need not to say the rest," She was restless in her seat. It seemed that everything had finally got her.
"I'm not so sure, Jeanette. You really hurt my brother."
"I don't mean to be rude, but you owe me at this point."
"Are you going to use your favor on this, really?" Alvin sighed and took his coat off.
"I think it's the time to make the both of us even. I helped you, you help me."
"I think you're wasting your time."
"Why is that?"
"Well, I really don't know what I can do to help you right now."
"I don't need help, I just need to talk."
Alvin looked at her and saw the desperation in her eyes, "Alright, what's on your mind, Jeanette?" The sadness that protruded her eyes was something that he hadn't seen in a while. Her deep blue eyes had grayed in a small way, as if they were reflecting her emotion.
"I've become completely isolated as of late. Lucas and I aren't together anymore and I can't talk to anyone anymore. I just can't think straight, I'm rather distraught all of the time. I just… made a mistake and I need your help. You've been where I am now, what should I do?"
"Hell, I don't know," the waiter interrupted them and they ordered their drinks. Coffee, black, "Obviously I didn't do something right. Brittney and I are at the point where we both know that we just can't be together anymore. There's too much pain and suffering involved now. It's all wrapped up in the central fact that I cheated on her and now we just can't get past that. I suggest realizing that now and give up hope on fixing things because there will always be an inkling in the back of Simon's mind saying, 'she cheated on me. She broke my trust. How can I ever forgive her again?'. The same thing happened to Brittney. She could never get past that fact and I don't blame her. I don't see how I ever could," Jeanette could barely contain her remorse at these words, "I'm not trying to distress you; I'm merely trying to be realistic," She looked out the window and sighed. The waiter returned with their drinks and Alvin began to stir his with no real intentions.
Jeanette stared out the window for what seemed to be hours and turned to Alvin, "Can you talk to him for me?"
He sighed, "Of course not. We're adults and as such, should be handling things on our own. If I talk to him it will just be a superficial gesture, and he knows that. If you want to talk to him, then I suggest you do it on your own, on his terms. You haven't seen the polar change in Simon's behavior. He's graduating after this year and leaving to god knows where. I think he's going to take a year off in Chicago or Europe or something that college kids tend to do."
She drank her coffee and looked at Alvin, "I just can't believe I gave in so easily. I love him and I never wanted to hurt him."
"You have an odd way of showing affection."
"Shut up, don't you think I hate myself enough already? And, oddly enough, you and I seem to do the same things my friend."
Alvin looked into his coffee, "at least I let Brittney know what was happening instead of letter her find me at the top of a parking garage when we were supposed to be going out that night. The next day I told her. Why haven't you talked to him yet?"
She finished her coffee, grabbed her wallet and started getting out of her chair, "I'm too afraid to," she threw money onto the table, enough for both of their drinks, and left.
Alvin kept his head down and said to himself, "I know. I'm sorry."
She turned around as if she heard him and gave a weak smile. She turned around and walked into the warm spring night.
Simon was the closing act of the night. He played his guitar and sang in a heart rending fashion. It was filled with hatred and pain, and not a person in the room wasn't affected. The dimly lit venue was packed with hipsters and art school rejects, sing the songs of his love lost with him. He paid no attention to the admires on as they sat at their tables and drank their drinks. He finished his set with a cover of Of Montreal's My Darling, I've Forgotten and started to pack up. The room slowly vacated until there was but one person sitting at a table near the middle of the room. Simon grabbed his guitar and looked out at the mysterious person waiting at the table.
She lifted her head and said to him, "That was quite a show, Simon."
He squinted past the stage lights to try to catch her face, "Brittney?"
She stood up, "I thought you had given up music in order to care about science."
He got off the stage, "I did, but that doesn't matter as much to me now," they were standing face to face now, "How did you find me?"
"It was easy enough. The internet can tell you amazing things."
"Wait, better yet, how did you get here?"
She laughed, "I just took Theo's car. I told Ellie I needed it and now I'm here," she turned and started walking towards the door, and Simon followed her, "Where are you headed to after this?"
"I'm not sure," he said as he followed closely behind her, "I was invited to a party in the city but I don't really want to sleep there tonight," he grabbed a cigarette and offered her one which she declined.
"No thanks, I'm quitting. You know, you and Alvin are the only people who still smoke."
"Theo and Ellie quit?"
"Yep, a month ago they stopped. That's why I did; I couldn't be out staged by the two of them," Simon laughed at this, "I've been thinking about getting back into the music game. I miss it far too much."
"Are you going solo?"
"That's what I've been grappling with," they started to walk down the street, "I want to start again but I don't know any instrument well enough to go solo. I need to find someone to perform with in order to really get started again."
He laughed, "And that's why you were here tonight."
"Yes, and I like what you do. Would you consider joining together and writing some music?"
Simon looked at her slightly surprised and then smiled and said, "Yeah, I think that would be a," he paused and searched for the right words. It was odd to explain the union they were about to make. He and Brittney had minimal interactions when they were together. For the most part, they were never alone together. Only in the last year had they started hanging out together without Alvin being present, and even then someone else was always there, "fantastic idea to work together."
She smiled, "Let's go back to my place, we can start tonight!"
Simon's thrill went to worry, "Will Jeanette be there?"
"I sincerely doubt it; she's been staying with a friend for a while. It would be bad for her regardless considering my feelings on this whole situation," It went without saying that Brittney was completely on Simon's side when it came to his situation.
They started walking, "I'll meet you there," Simon arrived in his car. Night had already fallen and it had started to get colder thanks to the spring breezes. He got in and started to drive away as Brittney walked to Theodore's car and hopped in.
Brittney thought to herself, This should be fun, Simon and I have never really hung out together before, she started her car and started to drive into the cold night.
Theodore and Eleanor had given up on figuring out what they were going to do concerning the wedding and laid in bed together after getting to know one another in a Biblical sense. They laid without the lights on and started at the ceiling. The warmth of each other reminded them why they were going through all of the trouble to organize the wedding. The window was slightly open, the breeze playing on the moonlight. Fluttering, enchanted, it floated in pale light. Theodore was reluctant to get up, when he heard his cell phone ring, but he answered it.
"Evening, Alvin. What's up?"
"Hey Theo, actually I need to talk to Ellie and I can't get a hold of her," Theodore looked on the ground and saw Ellie's pants with her cell phone in them.
Theodore looked at Ellie and said, "It's for you; It's Alvin."
She looked slightly surprised, "Alright, do you know what he wants?" she said as she took the phone from Theodore.
"I'm not sure," Theodore said as they both sat up in bed.
Eleanor took the phone and put it to her ear, "Alvin? It's Ellie."
"Hello, Ellie, I just have a quick question that I hope you can answer."
"Oh, of course. Go ahead and give it to me."
"It's about Jeanette, have you talked to her recently?"
"Not really, why?"
Alvin sighed, "that's too bad, I just had a conversation, no, rather it was an encounter with her. I was just wondering what you thought she was going to do about the Simon situation."
Eleanor started to look worried, "What do you mean, 'do'? I was under the impression there was nothing to do at this point."
"And there isn't. She asked me for advice and I told her to just forget and move on but she didn't seem satisfied by that," As Alvin asked that, Theodore motioned to Eleanor a questioning face, which she did not reply to, "I have a feeling she's going to confront him tonight, I was just wondering if you knew anything about it."
She was distressed, "I don't I'm sorry."
"Alright," Alvin sighed again, "thanks anyway Ellie, send my love to Theo, okay?"
"I will. I'll talk to you later I guess," she hung up the phone and looked at Theodore.
He asked, "what was that all about?"
"I'm not really sure, Teddy."
Simon and Brittney had returned to her apartment. Mary wasn't around for the weekend so they were able to be alone while making their new music. Brittney had found a djembe that Eleanor had left behind a few months ago when she had moved away and her and Simon were working on a new song he had composed. It was forlorn with the weight of a lost love, something they both could relate to. It was starting to get late, but they played into the night, working out covers to songs and writing a new one entirely. They stopped about an hour after they started and took a break. They were both euphoric with the high that comes with creating.
"Simon," Brittney said as she was drinking a bottle of water. They were both in the living room sitting opposite each other on a futon and a couch, "this had been just so much fun. I forgot how amazing it is to write music."
Simon looked up from his notebook, in which he was writing lyrics, "It's highly therapeutic. Through this whole mess, I've been able to turn back to my first love."
Brittney tried to look at the notebook but she couldn't catch what he was writing, "I agree, it's been so nice to let it all out in a medium that makes sense, you know?"
"I wholly agree," he kept writing in silence and they sat there together for a while. Her eyes darted around the room awkwardly. The room was completely silent, outside from a moderately noisy house party going on the floor above them. The faint raps of the music sting into the silence, but Simon never lost concentration.
The night continued on, they made music together and had the occasional surprise visitor looking for a party in the apartment complex. They were few and far in between, but they didn't mind. At around 1 am, they got another knock on the door.
Brittney was physically angry at this point, "It's one am, who is going to a party this late?"
Simon stood up and Brittney followed suit, "They were probably heading out from another place. I'm just getting tired of drunk people showing up here tonight. It's really throwing our groove off," they started to walk to the door.
"Well, whoever it is, I'm going to give them a piece of my mind," Simon got to the door and turned around to face Brittney
"That's not very fair," he started to open the door, "whoever it is doesn't need to be yelled at for other people's mistakes," the door was open but Simon was still facing Brittney. She looked surprised, and he turned around to face who was at the door.
"Hello Simon," Jeanette said. Her eyes showed signs of tears and she was gripping her coat tightly.
Brittney looked around and said, "I'm going to leave; you don't need me here," Simon stopped her with his arm and motioned for her to stay.
Simon looked back at Brittney, "Please stay Brittney," he looked back to Jeanette, "I'll be the first to admit that it took some balls to come here. How did you find me?"
Jeanette looked down, "you weren't at your place so I just naturally
Brittney stood in complete paralysis as Simon said, "Well, what the hell do you want?"
"I wanted to apologize…"
"So you thought that weeks after the fact it would be appropriate to apologize?" Brittney moved into the other room.
"It's just that-"
Simon interrupted her, "What? You done with him and now you want to fix things? It's not going to happen."
"I just want us to be friends again."
"Tell me, Jeanette, how long were you sneaking around with him? How long was I the second thought on your mind? How long were you going to torture me?"
She started crying, "I forgave you six years ago! Why can't you give me the same benefit now?"
"Were you living for me back then? Were you planning every day in order to benefit me in the future? Doing projects you hated and working with idiots all the time? I had to dumb myself down for these people in order to kiss some ass and get into the school I needed to next year, but that's all scraped."
"I never told you to live for me! I wanted you to live with me and forget about the future!"
"Forget about the future?" he was stunned by this.
"Yes! All I ever wanted was you now and you wouldn't accept that fact. I couldn't handle it anymore and I know now that things will never be the same. I'm ready to never have you again, but I never did in the first place. Our future was much more important than I was, but all of that doesn't matter now. I want things to be right."
"It's going to be a long time before things are right. They day you see the person you love in the arms of another then we can be right. Until then, that image is burned into my memory," He started to close the door and she didn't fight it. He went back to the living room where Brittney was waiting. She seemed deflated and apathetic. All this was dredging up bad feeling she was grappling with since Alvin did the same to her almost a year ago.
Brittney got close to him as he sat down, "Simon…"
"It's nothing. I'm sorry you had to hear all of that."
"Don't worry about me," she put her arm around him as he slouched over himself, "I know where you're coming from and I understand how difficult it can be."
He clenched his fists tightly, "I just feel like everything I work for doesn't matter sometimes."
"It's not true."
"It is though. In every field I grapple with, nothing seems to turn out as planned."
She grabbed his hand and unclenched it, "Maybe things aren't supposed to happen as we think they are. Mistakes lead to great opportunity."
He looked up to her, a friend he had never really interacted with. They lingered a while, a shared pain between the two of them drawing them together. He brushed the hair from her perfect face, which had become askew during the whole event and leaned in. Their lips met in a fiery burning that melted away the coldness they had been feeling. The anger they shared seemed to alleviate as they kissed that late night. Brittney pulled away.
"I don't know, Simon. What are we doing?"
He looked away, "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking," The record they were listening to earlier started to play again, Devandra Banhart's A Ribbon. I'd like to sing to you if you'd like me to, I'd like to sing to you if you'd like me to, alone. She grabbed his face and pulled him back into him.
The music played in the background, I'd like to dance with you if you'd like me to, I'd like to dance with you if you'd like me to, alone, "I decided to not care," she said as she brought his face in again. And I'd like to sleep with you if you'd like me to, and I'd like to sleep sleep sleep with you alone.
The night faded into daytime and they stayed together until the sunset of the next day. They shared the experiences that only two injured and damaged souls could together. Near tears and ecstasy floated around in the air as they shared everything they felt together. A breeze rolled into an open window in the living room where they stayed the night; it chilled them, but neither of them seemed to care.