I feel the bow string first. Then I feel the tip of the arrow and I run my fingers along the smooth feathers. The way the cold bites at my face is almost unbearable as I try to sling the bow, but my fingers slip around from all the accumulated sweat on my palm and fingers. I let go for a bit, letting the bow and arrow dangle from my hands for a bit as I wipe my face and neck with the sleeve of my other arm. This jacket is stuffy. The sun is almost blinding as it glances off of the pristine surface of the target board. Okay, I can do this. I have practiced as hard as I could for the past week. This is my best event.
The previous hour was a complete mess. My mom dropped me off but then said she had to leave for Fili and Jackie's wedding plans. It's already been around two hours, doing warm up and waiting for some of the younger kids to shoot around. I wish I brought more water, or at least had a napkin to wipe my hands off even though it's quite chilly. I had on a light jacket, so I'd be warm enough but yet I wouldn't restrict any movement.
The only plus side to this entire situation is that the guy who beat me out last time isn't here. That, and I've finally learned how to focus on what I do best and not think about Fili so much.
Right. Now, the task at hand. The 55 meter round. I have two more shots and it's over. I'm so far in the lead, but the person who comes behind me is unsettlingly close. If he nailed his last two shots, he might be able to beat me, just barely. I'm going to win this though, for sure. I can't have a repeat of coming in second when being the winner was so close at hand.
The entire concept is so simple yet the art is so elegant, so perfect. I just have to shoot this arrow so it hits the target in the middle. I think this is why I fell in love with archery. The simplicity and gracefulness of it. I reload the arrow onto my bow and I raise it up. I level it, steady it.
I shut one eye and try to clear my mind. This is what I'm meant to do. I inhale and hold my breath, feeling my rib cage expand comfortably. I hold it for a brief moment before exhaling while simultaneously letting the arrow fly.
I hold my breath for a brief moment as I watch the arrow zoom by, and then I stare at the target. Perfect. Ten easy points. I smile and calmly walk back to the waiting stands. I see a few jealous looks but I'm glad I got that over with. A feeling of relief comes over me, but I know my anxiety will come again when I have to go up for the next shot—the last shot.
I fiddle with my sweaty hands and jiggle my leg around. I can win this. I can do this. The entire thought of finally winning a tournament appealed to me so much, that I couldn't help but smile while everyone else was waiting, silent, almost grim. Just imagine how proud Uncle Thorin and Mom will be. And Fili. No, I can't think about him. Why am I thinking about Fili? He would never think about me.
Slowly the group of waiting people thins out. Some people return gleeful, others return with a hardened expression on their face. Archery is such a quiet sport. There is no cheering, shouting or jeering. It's strange how whether there are six or sixty people filling the stands, it still feels like you're alone. I feel like I'm alone. I'm the champion of solitude. I lost Hope and I lost my brother and I can feel myself slipping away from Mom and Uncle Thorin.
The person before me goes up to take his spot at the shooting range. It's so agonizing, just waiting and seeing him become stock-still. It's my turn next. It's also my last round. I wipe the sweat off of my hands, over and over again. I polish off my bow again and check my string. Well, everything seems in order.
I look out into the stands to rest my eyes a bit. Plus, it's fun to see all of the people holding their breaths and craning their heads for a view. There's a man with a bright red hat on, and a woman has an armload of brochures and some sort of heavy book.
Rapid movement catches my eye. I glance to my far right and I see a few ambiguous figures. A familiar pattern and color on a woman's jacket suddenly intrigues me though. Two figures come closer, dodging between people's les and blocking some views. As they come towards me to find a seat in the center, I suddenly realize who they are.
It's Mom and Fili. I can't help but smile when I realize…Fili kept his promise.
A solid thud brings me back to reality. I look at the scoreboard and I find that the person originally behind me now has no way of catching up to me; he completely bombed his last shot. It's a guaranteed win for me now.
Yet…why am I trembling? Even if I completely missed the target I'd win. I slowly walk up to my place before the line. I stare at the target. My knees are quivering and I'm wiping sweat off of my hands. Well, this is it then. I quickly load an arrow and close one eye. I aim. A fresh breeze blows my hair into my eyes, so my grip on the bow is loosened as I brush my hair out of the way. This is for you, Fili.
FILI
I was in the middle of discussing plans for the wedding with Jackie when Dis comes in. she looks a little disheveled as she apologizes for her lateness.
I can't say that I was irritated, only mildly curious. "So where were you?" I ask her.
"I had to send you brother to his archery tournament."
My head snaps up as I suddenly lock eyes with her. "Kili has an archery tournament? Today?" I feel nauseated. Or anxious. I'm not sure what I felt that moment, but I just felt…bad.
"I have to go," I exclaim. The words simply just tumbled out of my mouth.
A moment of shocked silence followed. I glance over to Jackie, who's looking at me like I'm insane. My mother just looks surprised.
"What about your wedding plans?"
"I'll only be gone for an hour or two, right?" I retort.
She nods as a smile spreads on her face. "Alright. Jackie, do you want to come?"
"No thank you, I'll just finish this up here," she responds sweetly.
I nod. "Then let's go."
I grab my jacket and Dis and I hurry out of the door in a flash.
I find that we make it just in time to see Kili's last shot. As we settle down, I am stunned by the silence in the entire shooting range and the tension that came with it. A cold wind blows through and I hug my jacket to me.
I stare at him. I stare at his strong jawline, his dark hair and his cute pursed lips. He's so focused. I almost forget to breathe when admiring him.
He lets go of the arrow with a snap and it goes flying through the brisk air. It was perfect. It landed dead in the center. The sight of Kili smiling warmed my heart. He's so…radiant. So beautiful. It never struck me that he is always so glum around the house until he smiled a genuine smile right now.
I let myself fade out as the rest of the individuals had their turn. I had a gut feeling that Kili already won. I train my eyes on him; there it is again. The flush in his cheeks and his luscious hair ruffling in the air around. I appreciate his slim form and his narrow waist. Is he truly my brother? Can this lovely being be mine?
That's when he turns his head. We lock eyes. For a moment, my chest tightens. Then Kili looks away, his face turned to the ground.
There is so much pain behind his eyes. It's easy to tell he's lonely; he's an introverted figure amongst a crowd. What's making my dear brother so unhappy? It must be all my fault for neglecting him all those years, not even bothering to observe him and his life for just a moment. I'm so selfish. He used to be that annoying little brother I never cared for, but he's matured so much in such a short time and as a consequence, he's like a beautiful, gilded bird that I can watch but never touch. Or, maybe I'm just so afraid…that if I touch him, or get close to him, he might break. Kili is so…fragile now.
When the entire thing is over, Kili steps up for his trophy along with the runner up. After that, the people in the stands disperse as some of the crowd decides to go home and the rest remain to socialize.
Kili, Dis and I decide to return home. I thought Kili might stay to chat with his buddies but then I realized…
Anyway, I have to go back or else Jackie might get pissed at me for spending such a long time here, and not helping her out. We pile into the car and start the drive home.
I notice Kili's bow has been put into a case which he now cradles in his lap.
"Good job," I tell him.
"Thanks," he murmurs. He's barely audible. He toys with the trophy which is on the seat next to him. "Thanks for coming, Fili." He turns away as he says the last sentence and a deep blush pervades his cheeks.
"Well, it's not like I don't care about you." The minute those words left my mouth, I instantly regretted them. Now all I want to do is smack myself in the face.
I wait for Kili's response. How am I this reckless, this impulsive? I peek in the side mirrors at him and his head is bent down. He doesn't say a word.
KILI
Did he really just say that? Well, it's not like I don't care about you. I'm not sure whether to feel happy or angry and spiteful. He cares about me now. That's a plus. But he also didn't care for me those past years, and now he's saying these words to help my patch up my wounds from my childhood. And if he did care about me, why has he abandoned me so many times, always neglecting me when I needed him the most?
The rest of the trip home passed by silently as a stormy sea of thoughts rolled through my mind. There's no way he cares about me based on our past experiences. It's simply just too much to hope for.