This one's for Smiles811998! Sorry I haven't been writing lately. Please review! I'd like to see reactions to this chapter! Too far? Or no?
It's not nice having so many emotions churning inside of you. Even worse is when winter break rolls around, your favorite bow starts splintering, and your brother's fiancée is a complete bitch.
It started snowing on the first day of December, but that all melted into a grey mush. Now it's snowing almost constantly, blocking out the sun and making everything look dark and stormy. Sometimes it's fun to watch the layers of white grow, but thinking about me just sitting here is kind of depressing. I finished all of my homework and I can't go shooting around until I get a new bow—I don't want my favorite one to break from overuse. I asked for one for Christmas, it was the only thing I wanted but Mom was too wrapped up in all of the wedding plans and Uncle Thorin had to go away for some business meeting.
I now stay in bed for as long as I can until I start feeling thirsty. Then I slowly get dressed and go down to where everyone else is, deciding what the invitation should look like or what kind of cake should be served before they go out to pick out flavors at a bakery store. Sometimes it's good though. My mornings. Those are the days I can avoid Jackie's scary glares because everyone has gone to meet up with the wedding planner, or whatever you call them.
Today is one of those days. The house is so satisfyingly quiet, not full of Jackie's stupid squeals or Fili's low, gravelly voice. I think about walking to the archery range, but the snow is piled so high that the normal fifteen-minute walk could take over half an hour. I want to see Emmy, but even she might not be there.
I settle with a plate of leftovers for breakfast. How sad. Then I go upstairs to brush my teeth.
Sometimes, they're back by lunchtime. Other times they're not back until I've already eaten dinner. It's been a week of loneliness and I still have another three days to go.
In my days of solitude, I start to wonder why I'm so lonely. Why do I lack the love that other people can gain so easily? Is something wrong with me? God dammit, how is it that Jackie can gain Fili's love so easily? I'm his brother—shouldn't it be a given that he should love me more? Or is it me? Am I just a loser, an insane loser that no one will ever grow to love?
"It's not fair."
That's my mantra. It's not fair that Fili and Jackie and Uncle Thorin and Mom can have whatever they want. That they're happy and I'm not; that I've become spiteful and they're…normal. How is it that in a week, I'm melancholy? Have these feelings always been around, lurking?
I'm done with my crappy breakfast and I decide to go take a shower. Whenever I'm feeling down, a shower is always the answer. The way the sun filters through the foggy windows makes me feel like I'm on the edge between dead and alive. Or rather, I feel like I'm about to die for some reason, slipping out of the real world right there in the shower. It's so hot and muggy but peaceful too. Sometimes I wish I could just die, really. I'm just so pathetic.
So here I am, turning on the shower. Letting it run so it turns nice and hot. I pull the shower curtain behind me as I let the spray hit me, comforting me. I think about my bow, my precious baby that is on the brink of snapping at the ends. I think about Em and how her archery might be going. I wonder about Uncle Thorin's business trip with his other buddies, like Dwalin and Oin and Gloin.
Mostly though, I'm thinking about Fili. I seem to always be thinking about Fili these days. The lonelier I get, the more he pops up in my thoughts. What's he doing right now? Does he 'sleep' with Jackie every night? Has he gotten her the wedding ring yet? If so, why hasn't he shown me it yet? Who's more important? Me or Jackie? Obviously his fiancée. What would it be like to spend just one day with him? What's his favorite color? What was his childhood like?
I've come to the conclusion that I'd like to spend a day with him. Just one day to figure out the mystery between us. Did he go to boarding school to avoid me? What's wrong with me? Does Fi know how much he's hurt me? Why can't he love me?
I'm almost in tears by the time I decide to turn off the shower. I sniff a few times while shivering with the water quickly evaporating off of me. I finally step out and grab my towel. Everything's going to be fine if you stop having these weird fantasies that one day, Fili will understand you and want to be with you. The time has passed for that—he already has found someone else to care for. Jackie. I hate her; she's ruined everything.
My body is soon dry and I wrap the damp towel across my hips. I open the bathroom door and—
A rough hand grabs at my lips. I smell cigarette smoke wrapped around me and the texture of rough knit clothes pressing up against me. What? I try to twist my head around to see what's going on. He's wearing a ski mask….shit. My chest starts to feel tight but I scream. Or at least I try to. His hand is too big. He's too big. I can feel layers of muscle under his black clothing. Where is everyone? I feel my legs start to tremble. My skin is studding up with goose bumps. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. No no no nonono. I feel him whispering something into my ear but my mind is completely wiped out as fear takes over. He slides the towel off of my legs until I was completely naked. I felt something press into my butt that made me shriek.
I can't think straight. My breathing is uneven. My entire body is being constricted. His breath is tickling my ear as he starts to murmur obscenities. I'm gonna teach you how to be a proper little boy. I'm gonna put that fine ass into use. Where's your family? Do they not love you? Let me show you some love…Oh please, someone save me. I just wanted to shower. I close my eyes as tears start to leak out. Maybe I deserve this. No one does love me. I hate myself so much.
I feel him reach behind me to unzip his pants. It's only brisk movements now, as he slaps my butt so it stings. I feel it. Something warm. I try to jerk away from him but he holds me in place. This is where I lose myself.
He's warm as he pushes against me. My mind is in tatters as I can't stop shaking. I can't breathe with his muggy hand over my nose and mouth. I'm going to be embarrassed, ruined in front of my family. I'm so ashamed.
"Kili, we're home!" I hear Mom say downstairs. The door slams open and then closes. Oh, but it's like they're centuries away. My attacker stops and freezes for a moment. Yes, yes. Stop, please. I'm begging you. I'm trembling and a queasy feeling spreads from the pit of my stomach. I try pulling away from him, but he still clings to me. Let me go, you sick, twisted animal! He starts to slide a hand between my legs. Then…I shake my head to get his hand off of my face. His hand slips down a bit, but that's all I need. I bite his hand so he lets go for a moment. This is it.
"Filliii! Save me!" Why did I call for him? It just came to me, naturally.
The man behind me scrambles around, probably trying to escape. I hear the steps being taken two at a time. I'm left on the bathroom ground, exposed, with tears running down my face. I can't seem to get air in and out of my lungs. For some reason, everything hurts.
Someone slams the bathroom door open.
"You bastard!"
A few thumps. There are grunts. I'm sobbing the entire time. Why? Why me? I'm now being gently lifted up and held close to someone's warm chest. There's a steady thump pressed against my left ear and it helps calm me and my breathing down.
God dammit Ki, you're too beautiful for your own good.