Deep Ravine
Chapter 2: Sinking
"Ah, there is my sweet little grand niece; may I hold her, Mai, before she makes her debut in front of the people of Capitol City?" Iroh swooped into the suite of rooms shared by Mai and Zuko, focusing on the bassinet and seven day old Miyako. It took him a moment to really notice Mai. "Oh, you're not ready yet? But it's almost time for the ceremony."
Mai thought she heard a silent judgment in his voice. Why wasn't she ready? It was almost midday. Miyako had cooperated by napping for two hours. She should be dressed in her finery, hair up, headpiece in, makeup on. But Mai still sat slumped in the room's most comfortable chair, her hair loose and un-brushed, her nightgown on, feet bare. Her body felt like an immoveable chunk of rock, heavy and lacking the grace she had once taken for granted.
"I'll get dressed now. I guess the morning got away from me."
"Well, that's understandable, being a new mother. You look tired, Mai, very tired. Is everything all right? Where's Zuko?"
"Tired, yes; Miya was up three times in the night. And I couldn't sleep anyway." She managed to meet Iroh's eyes, saw the concern and love there and wanted to break down into a weeping mess. But she held everything together and tried to recall where Zuko had gone. "Zuko, he um, oh, had a meeting with Aang and his councilmen." Mai shrugged. "Aang's here anyway so…."
Iroh nodded as he cradled the baby. "You go get yourself dressed. I'll watch Miyako. I have to steal as much time with her as I can. When I'm back in Ba Sing Se, I'll miss all of you terribly." He made a shooing motion then and Mai forced herself up and out of the chair, dragging herself to the bedroom and her dressing table.
"I look awful," she whispered to the looking glass.
Picking up her brush, the Fire Lady made short work of her hair before pulling a portion into a tidy top knot and inserting her headpiece. Her robes hung, clean and pressed, from the top of the wardrobe. Mai remembered now a servant bringing them earlier in the morning.
She wriggled out of her nightgown, leaving it on the floor, and began the slow process of putting on layer after layer, beginning with her bindings, forcing arms through sleeves, fumbling with ties, shoving feet into shoes. It seemed to take forever. She slumped back down in front of her mirror when she was done and examined her face. Her eyes looked dead and empty and Mai started, frightened by the sight.
"What is wrong with me?"
Fixing herself, making her face presentable for the masses, though she would be nothing but a dot on the dais to them, Mai tried to dispel dreary thoughts and focus on the upcoming celebration. She and Zuko had a darling baby girl, the heir to the throne, the next generation of Fire Lord, a life to cherish and be responsible for. They had waited these ten years for a reason, allowed themselves and their marriage time and space to grow and mature. They wanted to be ready for a child. And Mai had been. All throughout her pregnancy, the anticipation was sweet and heady. But now, now…..it was all different.
Iroh knocked on the door, his cheerful voice penetrating the gloom that hung over Mai like a dense cloud.
"Miyako wants her mother; seems I won't do any longer."
A brief flash of resentment seized Mai. Why couldn't Miyako just let her be? Her need was suffocating. Guilt followed with alarming alacrity, making the woman's head spin.
"I'll be out in a moment," she managed to reply.
Mai took one final glance in the mirror. The reflection cast back at her was adequate. Turning slowly, she made her way to the door and pulled it open. Iroh greeted her, his round face beaming with pleasure, ignorant of the nest of snakes that had made their home inside Mai's head and heart.
"I'll take her." She indicated Miyako and held her arms out, ready to receive her daughter.
Zuko, why aren't you here yet?
Miyako fussed a bit before settling against Mai's chest, her wide gold eyes watching her mother with care. Mai stroked her head, smoothing down the unruly hair. The infant wore a tiny tunic in deep red with gold trim and leggings in the same deep red. She looked very much like a miniature Fire Lord and in that instant a surge of protectiveness traveled through Mai. No one would harm their daughter. She would have a good life, a happy life and she would be loved, always.
Zuko chose that moment to arrive, already dressed in his formal robes. He was smiling, and Mai could hear the echo of Aang's laughter. The two got along so well.
"Everyone's heading out to the plaza. Are you ready, Mai? Hi, Uncle!" He placed himself beside Mai, sliding an arm around her waist. "Both of you are so beautiful," Zuko said quietly.
"I'm not," Mai snapped. She witnessed the look that her husband and his uncle exchanged. It enraged her. "Let's go."
~~~~0000~~~~
Mai went through the motions. She smiled when she was supposed to, waved to the people gathered in the plaza to witness Miyako's naming ceremony, moved about the dais lithely, acknowledged their friends, there to meet the Fire Nation royal couple's first child, there to show support and love. They were good friends, all of them, and Mai spoke to each, accepted their gestures of affection. She was glad they were there for Zuko but wished they would leave her alone, wished she could hole up in her rooms until they were gone.
Everything she said seemed hollow, a weak copy of her true voice. All her words sounded strange to her ears and she wondered if anyone else noticed. She saw no indication in their eyes, nor any revulsion or disgust or concern. But Mai was more tired than she had ever been and where once she was sharp of mind and wit and perception, everything about her now seemed round and dull and stupid.
A dinner was planned, a quiet affair for their visitors, a celebration of friendship and birth and family. Mai could claim fatigue, every new mother's shield and armor. But then Katara would put on her own motherly cloak and check up on her, asking questions that Mai did not want to answer, not now at least. Better to just go and endure until they all went home again.
"That was beautiful," the water bender declared as they all trooped back toward the palace proper. "Miyako is a perfect name. It suits her." She smiled down at the baby before looking over at her own daughter, safe in Aang's arms.
"Yes," Mai agreed. She wondered about names then and whether the one you were gifted with or cursed with somehow affected your life.
"You never said anything about the birth or your first week as a mother, Mai. How was it? How are you handling things?" Katara put a hand on Mai's arm, encouraging the woman to make a confession.
"Fine, everything is fine."
"Well, that's not a lot of information. I remember my first week with Kya. I was so nervous and tired and worried about every little sound she made. It gets better."
"I'm fine," Mai repeated. "Zuko and Iroh are a big help and we've got a nurse." Perhaps that would shut Katara up.
Kya showed signs of restlessness and the water bender's attention was distracted at last. Miyako seemed to grow heavier by the minute. Mai shifted the infant in her arms and shut her eyes for just a moment, hoping that when she opened them, her rooms would be waiting and she could suffer in peace.
~~~~0000~~~~
As soon as she entered the suite of rooms, Mai fed Miyako, made certain that she was clean and then placed her in the bassinet. She wanted nothing more than to curl up on the bed, sweet smelling bedding surrounding her, a warm cocoon, and sleep, should that be possible.
"Look at the gifts," Zuko exclaimed. On the table a pile of presents for Miyako sat, colourfully wrapped, a cheerful centerpiece. "Do you want to open them?"
"Go ahead. I don't care."
"No, no, I'll wait until you're ready."
"That might be a long time. So really, go ahead and open them."
Mai climbed on to the bed and tried to ignore the sound of rustling cloth and boxes being pried open. She tried to shrug off the weight of Zuko's worry. It seemed to sit on her chest crushing, smothering, making it difficult to breathe. She gasped for air, panic almost setting it.
Jumping up from his spot on the sofa, pushing aside stuffed animals and clothing, Zuko darted to the bed, pressing Mai to him, tangling his fingers in her raven hair. She pushed at his chest, wanting him and his comfort away from her, yet craving it all the same.
"What's wrong? What's wrong? Something's wrong, Mai. Tell me. Please."
The terror in her husband's voice cut through some of her own. But she couldn't tell him the truth. Mai couldn't put words to her horrible thoughts. She couldn't speak of her desire to just walk out the door and leave Miyako behind. How could she tell Zuko that Miyako's cries made her want to scream? How could she tell him that his wife was a monster, a bad mother, a woman who did not deserve a child so beautiful and so sweet, or any child at all?
She pressed fingers into her temples, fighting the throbbing pain that had begun during the naming ceremony.
"Nothing; I'm tired. That's all. I need sleep."
"That's it then; I'm calling the dinner off. I'll run you a bath. You can soak and relax and I'll get a servant to bring you something to eat. Then you can sleep, all right? Is that okay?"
He tried so hard sometimes. He loved her so much and his face, his whole body conveyed his concern and affection and devotion to Mai. It was difficult to say 'no'.
"No; the dinner is on. I don't want any fuss." Mai cupped Zuko's cheek, relishing the warm feel of his skin against hers. She tried on a smile. It didn't fit.
"Mai, you don't have to prove anything." His mouth worked for a minute, no words coming out. "They'll understand. They will."
She pulled back and crossed her arms over her chest. The conversation was over.
~~~~0000~~~~
Mai watched as Zuko napped. His brow was creased with worry; either a dream disturbed his peace or daily life, his concern for her and Miyako, had invaded his sleep. She ran her index finger along his cheek, tracing the ragged outline of his scar. He twitched a bit but did not awaken and Mai envied his rest, no matter how imperfect it was. She could not sleep for anything, it seemed. Her mind, her body had become foreign to her. She could not predict how either would react to anything any longer. A war waged within Mai, more terrifying than any military conflict, any childhood trauma. All the control she prided herself on, the carefully honed casual indifference, had vanished. And Mai just wanted to get them back.
Maybe this dinner will change things. Maybe I'll come up from under whatever is holding me down. Maybe if I talk with them, listen to their stupid jokes and their stories, maybe I'll be me again.
The hope was a faint one. Nearby, in her own tiny bed, Miyako was restless as well.
I'll get up if she cries. She's fine. Don't want to move right now.
Burrowing into the pillows, Mai shut her eyes and waited.
~~~~0000~~~~
Jokes and stories and laughter abounded. Mai listened with as much attentiveness as she could muster, smiling on occasion and nodding her head, but contributing little to the conversation. But she'd never been a big talker, so no one noticed anything off. Toph was too busy drinking Sokka under the table to use her extraordinary powers of perception. Mai was safe.
On her left side, Zuko picked at his food. Every few seconds, he snuck his hand under the table, searching for Mai's, finding it and holding on, giving what support he could. On Mai's right side, Iroh directed curious and thoughtful looks her way. He encouraged her to eat, wanting his beloved nephew's beloved wife healthy and strong. Mai could see that the old man sensed something amiss. She was thankful that he did not pry, just loved.
"Mai, Zuko, I think I'll stay on for a few extra weeks. Would that be all right with you?" He pressed a hand down on Mai's shoulder, applying gentle pressure. "Could you use an old man around here? I'd love to help with Miyako all that I can."
Mai nodded her head. "Sure, we'll find something for you to do." Turning to face Iroh, she let her gratitude shine in pale gold eyes. It was an effort, but worth it to see Iroh's own eyes, like bottomless pools of amber whiskey, light up.
"Whatever you and Mai want is fine with me, Uncle. We don't see enough of you, so I'd love for you to stay."
"Good, good. I'll send a hawk to Ping. The Jasmine Dragon is his for awhile yet." Iroh chuckled, a musical sound that lightened Mai's heart for just a moment. "He loves to be in charge."
All around Mai, happy voices, normal voices rang out, faces gleamed with joy and humour. She could not join in, not really. And despite the presence of Zuko, the presence of Iroh and all her friends, Mai had never been more alone.