Chapter 18: Matters Between Gods
Hi again. Thank you to everyone who read/reviewed.
And just to answer some questions on Steve seeing action. Without giving anything away, things might progress a little faster in the next few chapters. Although action as in sex (not sure if I'm even any good at writing sex) won't happen until they've both gone through hell and back. I think ten chapters is a good estimate (I haven't really divided the rest of the plot into specific chapters yet)…So yeah, sorry I can't tell you more at the moment.
If anyone has more questions, feel free to ask.
"Hey!"
Having just completed his morning run in Central Park, Steve looks over his shoulder to see Jane jogging towards him, her hair drawn back in a high ponytail and cheeks flushed from exertion.
"Hey." The soldier lifts his hand in a half wave, mildly surprised. "What are you doing here?"
Jane laughs, breath slightly uneven. "What does it look like?"
"What I meant was—" Steve grins sheepishly, "You're not here a lot, are you? Because I'm here every morning, and it's the first time we ran into each other."
"Oh, I don't do this nearly as often as I should—with research and everything else going on," Jane says rather demurely, wiping perspiration off her chin with the back of her hand. "But since I finally have a morning to myself, I thought I'd clear my mind a bit—you know, before things get hectic again."
"Right," Steve nods understandingly, "I guess you'll be needing Loki again?"
"If you don't mind," Jane wrinkles her delicate brows, and Steve is quick to indicate otherwise—perhaps a little too quick.
"No, of course not. Why would I?"
"Oh—I don't know," The scientist squares her shoulders, astounded almost, by the soldier's exuberance. "I just thought maybe you have better things to do. I know how dull it could seem, in the lab."
"Well, believe it or not, I don't actually have anything better" Steve laughs, "And the last time I left Tony alone with Loki, they ended up destroying SHIELD's best containment chamber. I won't make the same mistake twice."
"A wise decision," Jane agrees, "But I blame Tony completely on that last incident—Although, if I didn't know better, Loki seems almost—normal—like not unpleasant to be around…"
She winces slightly at the ill-worded confession, and upon receiving no hint of agreement (or disagreement) from Steve, the scientist attempts to make quick amends. "I know I wasn't here for New York—it's horrible what he did. So horrible, I guess it's a little hard to believe, even."
"I know what you mean," Steve says just as Jane was about to apologize, it seems, "He had help too, so he probably shouldn't get all the blame. But what's done is done, and all we can do now is prevent it from getting worse."
Jane doesn't respond but nods in agreement, and a brief moment of silence passes before the soldier speaks again. "I'm about to head back to the tower, actually. Are you done with your run?"
The sun is halfway over the skyline by now, and whatever briskness of the early morning is soon to disappear under the summer heat.
"I am," Jane responds, "But do you mind if I grab breakfast and coffee from the stand first?"
"Are you in a rush or something" Steve frowns with a touch of confusion, to which the scientist mirrors.
"Not really. Why?"
"Well, there's plenty of food in the tower," the soldier shrugs, "And Tony takes pride in his coffee almost as much as his alcohol. We might as well use that to our advantage."
"Right," Jane laughs, ducking her head in embarrassment, "I'm actually an awful cook, and I've been mooching off of Bruce these past couple of days, but I can't today. So I guess I'll be eating out."
"Really?" Steve arches a brow and grins, "Even breakfast?"
"Don't judge." Jane protests with a half-hearted punch to the soldier's bicep, which is—in some ways—adorable. "Tony is doing the same, with Pepper away."
"Well, I'll be making breakfast," Steve offers, "You're welcome to join us, if you want."
"Us?"
"Well, Loki and me."
"Oh, right." Jane widens her eyes, before looking away almost shyly, as if the prospect of Loki having basic needs (and Steve being his sole provider) had escaped her completely. "Would it be okay if I eat with you guys?"
"Of course," the soldier says, "I don't see why not."
They return to the tower just as the heat begins to bear down, and they part ways in the elevator, agreeing to meet after freshening up. Steve enters his living area and drops his keys and wallet on the counter, before going into the kitchen for a glass of water. He hears Loki moving about in his room and thinks it must be terrible—not being able to sleep and forced to live out every single day without a moment of peace of mind. His time on earth must drag on indefinitely.
By the time Steve emerges from his room, freshly showered, Loki is already waiting in the living room sofa, staring resolutely ahead at nothing in particular. After he had learned that Loki couldn't sleep, Steve granted the god access to his bookshelf and TV—anything available on his floor, to help him pass the time. Steve's bedroom is strictly off limits though, and the soldier continues to lock his door every night, even if Loki appears to have no intention of violating the only criteria. Steve tries to comfort himself with the thought, although it doesn't make him any less nervous before going to sleep.
"Jane is going to eat with us, alright?" He announces, as he opens the cabinets.
Loki doesn't respond, and Steve contemplates on repeating himself before deciding otherwise, because surely, Loki had heard him. There is nothing in the stony silence of the room that could have obscured his message.
Jane steps through the automatic doors moments later, perhaps sooner than Steve had expected. She lingers by entrance briefly—seeing the back of Loki's head in the living area, before noticing Steve in the kitchen.
"Give me ten more minutes," the soldier says as the scientist approaches, her hair damp and combed back.
"Ten whole minutes?" Jane leans against the counter, a faint smile on her lips, "Must be some fancy eggs."
That draws a laugh out of Steve, and the soldier shakes his head before placing the pan on the stove. "Have you ever cooked anything in your life?"
"I have. Just not well. Do you need any help?"
"No, I'm alright. Coffee's ready, if you want to help yourself."
"Right, thanks," Jane responds, her voice distant in that brief moment, prompting the solider to lift his eyes from his tasks. Her eyes are once again fixated on Loki, who hasn't moved an inch since the scientist's arrival.
"Feel free to sit—anywhere," Steve offers, to which Jane nods absently, before taking a few tentative steps away from the kitchen. She approaches the couch before sitting on the end, leaving a respectable distance between herself and the god.
"Good morning, Loki," she says, and the god turns to her—face blank and eyes assessing—and it's enough to make the scientist visibly stiffen.
"Good morning, Dr. Foster."
"You can call me Jane, if you want."
Steve listens to them furtively for the next few minutes, and nearly burns a piece of toast in the process—breakfast, at this point, the least of is concerns. Jane tries to make light conversation, which tragically, is not her strong suit—the god, although polite, appears obviously uninterested. Steve muses at the development, and finds it almost strange that Jane, usually so poised and resolute in her laboratory setting, is having trouble finding her words. Perhaps Loki just has this effect on people—in his dark, self-assured, and dignified way—leaving everyone around him tongue-tied and a little bid nervous.
It doesn't take long before Jane drops the pleasantries altogether, in favor of her true intents. And Steve supposes he should have seen this coming. She's not the kind to remain in hopeful silence forever, and now is when the dam finally bursts.
"I worry about him." Jane says, regarding her clasped hands with profound fixation. "I mean, it's not like this is anyway normal—us being who knows how far apart. He could be hurt, and I wouldn't have a clue. It's awful—and exhausting."
Loki doesn't respond, neither in protest nor in encouragement, and Jane looks at him with vague hopefulness for a moment, before building enough courage to continue, "Did he—since the last time you saw him, whenever that might be—did he seem okay?"
The god looks at her, eyes like cool-daggers. "You need not worry of matters beyond your control. Matters between gods." His voice is aloof, like reluctant charity.
"I-I know," Jane responds, her speech appearing caught, "It's just hard—not to worry."
"Then, perhaps you should consider what you hope to achieve, with your constant worrying." Loki says, cold but lacking in any real cruelty, "I commend you—may it be a blessing or a curse—as the first mortal to learn of Asgard beyond your myths, and perhaps, you will even be first to step afoot, only fate can tell. But remember that you are mortal, your life an instant in the timespan of eternal. So concentrate on your earthly goals—You are bright enough to triumph where others have failed. But I advise you to live as mortals should. Worry not of matters between gods."
"Alright, so breakfast—" Steve promptly intervenes, although he fears that damage has already been dealt. He sets the plates on the coffee table, before sitting in the only available seat, between Jane and Loki. "I hope you didn't set your expectations too high," he says, handing a plate to the scientist, "But tell me if I make eggs better than Bruce."
Jane takes the plate and returns a smile, dimmed behind a veil of smoke.
They eat in mostly silence, and Steve tries to ease some of the tension with idle conversation, although neither of his guests are in a talkative mood. An eternity passes before the meal is done, and Jane—after thanking Steve for his hospitality—leaves without a moment's hesitation.
And once they are finally alone, the soldier turns to the god, frowning in stern disapproval. "That wasn't very nice. What you said to Jane."
Loki's lips twist rather indignantly as their eyes meet, and Steve feels his stomach clench, feeling more insulted than he should.
"Thor is betrothed to Lady Sif. The arrangements had been made since the moment of conception. Perhaps I should have told Dr. Foster that, instead."
The god breaks off harshly, before turning away, and for a long duration after, Steve is left simply speechless. He wonders if Loki was actually trying to be kind, considering he could have been much crueler with this kind of information. And Steve had reprimanded him for it.
Jane probably doesn't know. A woman of her dignity would never involve herself with a "betrothed" man—god, whatever. And perhaps Thor had been too tempted (or cowardly) to speak the truth, and judging from his previous blunders—and the faults of gods alike—Thor might not exactly be the epitome of moral judgment, even if he is trying. Steve wonders if Loki wanted to help Jane, because if he simply intended to hurt Thor, he could have been much more blunt. The soldier wonders whether he should say something at this point—apologize to the god, offer some sort of subtle encouragement, or—
"She is bold," Loki says dourly, gripping Steve from his thoughts, "Or perhaps foolish to think that happy endings exist, in a position like hers."
"Who knows?" Steve contests, despite his better judgment, "There might be a slim chance."
Loki laughs, sharp and condescending and bitter. "Perhaps you should heed the warning of your ancestors—there are some truths in your woeful myths, after all—so that tragedies do not repeat. Mortals ought not meddle in matters between gods, especially those dealing with sentiment and love. Such wretchedness will enslave you to fates worse than death."
"Easier said than done," Steve says absently, and Loki tightens his jaw, looking away. It might have been more revealing than the soldier had planned, but it's too late to do anything about it.
Despite his efforts at subtlety, Steve wonders if the god knows. For the sake of the planet, the team, and his own morals and sanity, Steve has suppressed his desires as best as he could, and banks on the optimism that they are merely products of loneliness and boredom, surely to fade with time. Although admittedly, there is a small part of him that wants Loki to know—just to see what will happen. Maybe if the world is ending and nothing else mattered, he'd allow himself to feel, uninhibitedly. But until then, they carry on with tomorrow in sight—and Loki is still the fallen prince, while Steve is just Steve.
###
Steve wakes up in the middle of the night, conflicted over dreams he doesn't quite remember. He stares blankly at the ceiling for a minute, as reality clears boggled mind, before rising from the comforts of his bed, for a glass of water. He hears no movements beyond his door. Loki must have retired to his room as well.
After the incident with Jane, the rest of the day had proceeded as normal as can be—strictly business in the lab, with the exception of Tony's wise remarks. Jane didn't mention Thor again or their previous conversation, posing herself with utmost neutrality, as if to say no hard feelings, or that she didn't expect much to begin with. Regardless of any personal riffs, science progressed as usual, and there is nothing to worry about—Steve was told—because time for once is on their side.
The soldier slips into the kitchen and fills a glass, and once his throat is no longer dry, he notices the familiar golden light seeping through the cracks of Loki's door, almost invitingly. He wonders whether he should return to bed and sleep for another few hours, or check up on the god, who surely must be awake.
Steve doesn't quite know what he would say, but he finds himself maneuvering towards the door despite his doubts, until there is nothing left to do but knock. He taps his knuckles lightly against the wood twice, and waits.
"Loki?" He whispers after receiving no response, so he knocks again. He waits another ten seconds, before realizing that something is definitely off.
"I'm coming in," he announces, pushing the door open, and what he finds is the God of Mischief sprawled on top of the mattress, eyes closed.
Loki, apparently, fell asleep.
A paperback copy of Moby Dick lays open on his chest, and Steve shakes his head, thinking that the god couldn't have chosen a more unfortunate book, with the intention of late night vigils in mind. Even with Loki's outstanding pace, he only got through a third of it.
Steve finds himself staring unwittingly at the unconscious god—dark hair fanned against the pillow, lips parted, and lashes casting long shadows over porcelain skin. Steve is tempted to let the god sleep, but knows that he can't risk it—not with the entire planet hanging in the balance.
Fear suddenly knots into his stomach, as the soldier wonders whether he's already too late, that Loki's mind is already lost. And once the god finally opens his eyes, they will no longer dazzling green, but blood red like the monster in the portrait.
Steve reaches a cautious hand to Loki's shoulder and pushes gently. No response.
Loki surprisingly is a heavy sleeper, but that might've been the combined effects of two sleepless weeks, Melville, and the tireless days spent with the scientists. It must've worn him out.
"Loki, wake up." Steve pushes a little harder this time, and the god frowns rather peevishly at the disturbance, although his eyes remain closed.
"Leave me be." Loki bats Steve's hand away as if it were an irksome fly, before turning to his side and curling along a spare pillow. "You are a blundering oaf, brother, and I am in no mood for your trivialities."
The rest of the sentence is somewhat muffled and obscured, but Steve has no doubts that the god is dreaming of Asgard, before his fall and betrayal, when Thor had still been "brother." Steve's heart actually aches.
The soldier withdraws his hand and reasons that if Loki is dreaming of Thor, he surely can't be possessed by Thanos. Steve might as well let Loki grasp onto what comforts he has left, while he can. But an unconscious Loki is still an immense risk, just in case Thanos does decide to pay a visit tonight.
Steve inwardly groans before realizing he has no other choice but to watch Loki while he sleeps, as disturbing as it sounds out of context. He certainly can't leave him alone like this.
The soldier takes a seat by the desk, shuffling through some of the books Loki had picked off of his shelf, surprised to find The Sun Also Rises—his "favorite" book which Loki had already read twice already—still occupying a precious spot.
It was like certain dinners I remember from the war, Steve turns to a random page and reads, There was much wine, an ignored tension, and a feeling of things coming that you could not prevent happening. Under the wine I lost the disgusted feeling and was happy. It seemed they were all such nice people.
He skims through the novel in no order in particular—noticing the folds, the fingernail indents, and underlines Loki had pointed out before. The god's faint breathing against the backdrop felt oddly comforting.
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