Deep Ravine
Chapter 6: Inheritance
Lounging on the sofa, school book discarded on the floor, Miyako asleep on his chest, Tom-Tom looked adorable.
Mai observed from her chair, her own book face down on her lap. She had yet to turn a page. "So, does Mom know where you are?"
"Mmmm, yeah, I told her I was visiting after school." He yawned and closed his eyes. Miyako squirmed a bit before settling again.
"Has she, um, said anything about me?"
"What do you mean, Mai?"
The Fire Lady tucked a bit of ebony hair behind her ear before tossing her book onto the table. There was no point trying to read. She reached for her tea and took a sip, then another.
"I don't know, really. Does she say anything about my….you know, the way I feel." Ugh, it was so difficult talking about her situation. Mai felt like a freak.
The teenager shrugged. "No, not really; she did mention wanting to have a long talk with you. And she thinks you're avoiding her again. Are you?" He laughed. "I don't blame you. Sometimes I avoid her too."
"Maybe. Yes. Part of me wants to have this talk. It seemed really important to her and relevant to my life right now. But the other part is terrified."
"Why? It's just a talk." Tom-Tom lifted Miyako and sat up. He faced his sister and peered into her eyes. He would not back down.
"Sometimes it's better not to know certain things about someone. Sometimes that knowledge changes everything about the way you see that person and yourself. I have a feeling this talk isn't an ordinary one."
"You've faced a lot worse than that. You can face Mom and whatever she has to say. It might help."
There were those words again. Drink this tea. It might help. Meditate. It might help. Go for a walk. It might help. Talk with Zuko. It might help. Everything helped a little but for a short time only. And then the suffocating sadness settled in once more.
Mai thought back to the first few days after Miyako's birth. Bitter tears stung her eyes. She'd been robbed. These days and weeks should have been blissful; tiring and challenging, no doubt, but filled with joy too. Instead she'd been saturated with a despair and sadness that she could not explain. Any joy was experienced in terrifyingly fleeting moments.
Was she better now than she'd been in those first few days? Mai thought that perhaps she was and that idea was something to hold on to. Her naturally cynical nature also wondered if she hadn't simply learned to cope better with her depression. Maybe that's what getting better was; maybe all she could hope for was better coping mechanisms, longer periods of happiness.
Face it, Mai. You don't know anything and that's what is so frustrating.
"I'm so sick of people saying that; it might help. I know you all mean well, but sometimes I wish you would all just shut up." Mai glanced at Tom-Tom and saw his startled eyes. She appealed to him with her own, asking for understanding.
"You're right. We all mean well, sis. We want you to feel like yourself again." He made as if to leave, cuddling Miyako for a moment before placing her in the bassinet.
"You don't have to go. Stay for dinner."
"Are you sure? I can leave. I'm not upset or anything."
"Come on. Stay, Tom, please."
He hesitated for a moment, more for show than for anything else. "All right; I'll stay for dinner. Then I have to go home and do my reading for school. I think if Mom gets another letter, she might die from the shame." He smirked and flopped back down. "So when is dinner? I'm starving."
"Can you wait an hour? I know you're a growing boy and everything…." She smirked back and it felt good.
"Yeah, I can wait."
"That's good of you, brother."
They settled into a pleasant silence punctuated only by the growling of Tom-Tom's stomach.
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At dinner, surrounded by Tom-Tom and Zuko and Iroh, Mai felt at ease and protected and cared for and gave into that feeling, pushing aside her inner torment. She enjoyed the meal and ate with more appetite than she had managed since her daughter's birth. Here was the normalcy she had thought about days ago; she and her family having a meal together, talking, laughing, listening.
Mai felt her husband's eyes on her, furtive glances he tried to disguise as random. She sensed his hopefulness as well. Not wanting to destroy his hope, not yet at least, Mai held her tongue about how a laugh here and there from her did not equate her being magically healed. He would discover that soon enough on his own. Let him hold on to the belief that she was improving at least. There was power in belief and perhaps some of that power would transfer itself to her.
"Nice dinner, wasn't it?" Zuko asked after Tom-Tom had headed home and Iroh had returned to his own room.
Nodding, Mai went about feeding a hungry Miyako.
"I can give Miya her bath of you like."
Mai nodded once more. "Thanks."
Filled and content, Miya was happy to have her father cradle her in the tiny basin while he soaped her body and hair, rinsing with care, making certain the water maintained its perfect warmth. Once she was clean and dry and dressed in her little sleep pants and shirt, he cuddled her close for a few moments before putting her to bed.
Mai struggled up from her chair, fatigue claiming her suddenly, and placed a kiss on the infant's forehead.
"You know," Zuko began, "a bath might do you good too. I could wash your hair and, and you and…." He gave her an endearing shy look.
They had bathed together many times, enjoyed it immensely. It was often an erotic experience, sometimes simply soothing, a way to be close physically and emotionally, a way to relax after a long day.
Mai hesitated. She didn't want Zuko to think she was interested in anything beyond comfort. It saddened her, this lack of desire. Theirs was a very physical relationship. Touch meant a great deal, touch of all kinds and lovemaking for them was often a profound experience.
She knew that reintroducing sex into a relationship after childbirth sometimes took time. Katara had mentioned that, and Suki too. So in that at least, she fit the norm. Though Mai knew her depression had something to do with her lack of desire too. And it would probably take her even longer than it had taken her friends.
"I don't expect anything, Mai. I know you're not ready." Zuko reached for her hand and tugged her close, then into a tight embrace. "Don't worry about that," he spoke softly in her ear. "It'll happen when it happens. I can wait."
"Bath then," she whispered back.
They shed their clothing and headed into the huge bathroom, leaving the door open so they could hear Miyako. Zuko ran the water and adjusted its temperature to the one Mai liked best. She climbed in and groaned with delight as the heat seeped into her muscles and bones, chasing away aches.
Zuko browsed through the soaps and shampoos, settling for almond scented ones, grabbed a sponge and slid in beside his Mai.
"These all right?" He opened one of the bottles and let the smell waft about under Mai's nose.
"Perfect," she replied with a faint smile.
Then Zuko set to work. He was businesslike, soaping her down, warming the sponge, rubbing her arms and legs and feet, shampooing her hair. But he was tender too, letting his fingers linger here and there, caressing her skin, the fine bones of her wrist, her collarbone. He gave her kisses as well, gentle things that she could barely feel. They still ignited a tiny spark of arousal. That made her smile openly. She wasn't dead yet.
There was something achingly sweet about her beloved taking care of her like this. She was completely vulnerable, naked in the water, but had never felt safer or more loved.
"Thank you," she managed to say, her voice hoarse.
His answer was a kiss on the lips, soft and so warm. With a smile he rinsed her hair. The water cascaded down her back and trickled down her face and felt glorious. Eyes closed, she gave in to the sensations and it wasn't until Zuko prodded her that she arose from the tub.
He dried her off with a thick towel before handing her a robe. Plucking a comb from the vanity he dragged it through her hair, working on one little section at a time. Mai closed her eyes once more, the tugging against her scalp and feel of Zuko's hands making her drowsy.
"Are you ready for sleep?" There was a hint of humour in the Fire Lord's raspy voice.
"Yes."
"Do you want tea first?"
Mai shook her head. No tea would make her feel sleepier than she did at that moment. She let out a tiny yelp when Zuko scooped her up and carried her to the bed. She shrugged out of the robe and Zuko tossed it onto the floor. The cool of the sheets against the warm of her body roused her a bit. But Zuko crawled in after her and surrounded her in his own special heat and soon she was sound asleep.
She did not wake until Miyako cried five hours later, wanting to be fed.
~~~~0000~~~~
"The table looks lovely, Mai. And lunch smells wonderful."
Akira fluttered about the balcony, adjusting the wide umbrella that shaded the table, smelling the flowers that bloomed in profusion, both in pots and on vines that wound their way up and around the railing.
Miyako lay in her bassinet. She kicked her legs and cooed at the toy dragon clutched in strong little fingers.
"And Miyako gets more and more beautiful each time I see her. May I?" She looked to Mai before reaching down and picking the baby up.
Akira carried her about, kissing her head and her cheeks, talking in soft tones about nothing in particular. Miyako enjoyed it and gurgled her pleasure.
"I suppose I have to put you down again so that your mother and I can eat our lunch. Is that all right, little princess?"
Miyako grinned and Akira grinned in return before placing her back in the bassinet.
"I could hold her all day."
"Tea, mother?"
"Yes, please."
Mai poured and then pointed out the various dishes. She waited while Akira served herself and then put a little bit on her own plate.
"So, I assume you know why I asked you over for lunch."
"Yes, you're ready to have that talk."
"As ready as I can manage. So…." Mai took a nibble of rice and a sip of tea.
Akira drank in a big gulp of air before beginning.
"Last week, when Iroh mentioned how down you've felt since Miyako's birth, I, well, it brought back memories, ones that I couldn't deny any longer." She paused and looked Mai straight in the eye. "I could see that things weren't right with you, Mai, but I pushed all that aside precisely because of the memories your situation dredged up."
"Are you saying that after I was born you fell into some kind of depression?"
That might explain a lot of things.
Hope soared in Mai. Right in front of her, in her own family, in her own blood, might be an answer. Perhaps her depression was an inheritance of sorts. If there were two, surely there were others. Then her shoulders slumped. What if she and Zuko wanted a second child? Would she have to suffer through this misery all over again? Would Miyako, if she decided to have children?
"Yes, that's what I'm saying. I thought I was crazy, Mai. And oh, how I resented you." Mai bristled. But she resented Miyako sometimes. She could not judge. "I cried all the time. I didn't want to leave the house. Your father was no help. He thought I was being silly and female. I was alone in my sadness with nowhere to turn. I let the nurse take care of you most of the time. I didn't bond with you, Mai, not properly, not like a mother and a child should."
"That's why, then? I always knew you…." She didn't finish the sentence.
"What? Didn't love you? That's not true, Mai. It's not true at all. I do love you. I did love you. It was love hard won. Tom-Tom was easy. When he was born I felt great. And everything was just like all my friends said it should be."
Mai couldn't help her bitterness. "His being a boy didn't hurt, either."
"That had nothing to do with it. Yes, both your father and I were glad to have a son. And in some ways, it was a relief. But loving him wasn't easier because he was a boy. It was easier because I was happy, Mai, and eager to show him off and eager to be amongst people. I didn't want to hide away in the dark."
The younger woman felt tears start. Her throat closed tight and she put down her tea cup.
"But you're lucky, Mai."
"I'm lucky?"
"You have Zuko and Iroh and your brother and your friends and your uncle. And they all support you no matter what. And you're braver than I am. You're trying so hard with Miyako, harder than I tried with you."
"Oh, Mom….I, I wish…"
"It's done. I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one who had felt the way you feel now. It gets better. When you were almost a year, I suddenly realized that I felt different, lighter. And you were like a little stranger to me. You felt more comfortable with the nurse. You wanted her when you were hurt or sick. And I let her comfort you."
Mai could see it all now, her entire childhood, the strange dynamic between mother and daughter, her mother's aloofness, how it was simpler for her mother to shut Mai down than to take the time to know her. The seeing and the knowing gave her a sort of peace. But she wondered why her mother had not found her worth the effort.
Mai glanced over at Miyako and vowed not to make the same mistake.
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