Deep Ravine
Chapter 7: Routine
Her mother's revelation shook Mai to the core. For the next few weeks, she mulled over every word the woman had said, looking for hints about her own childhood and adolescence, explanations for Akira's behaviour, reasons and meaning behind everything that had ever happened to her while she lived with her parents.
'You're over analyzing."
Zuko spoke the words with a smile. He was well aware of their irony. The Fire Lord had spent over three years in banishment. Over analyzing and brooding was how he got his time in, that and hunting the Avatar like the world's most tenacious predator.
"I'm glad you see the humour in your words." Mai smiled back and shook her head. "I realize what I'm doing. But I can't help myself."
"Talk to your mother again." Zuko scrubbed the back of his neck before letting a sigh loose. He paced a bit, pausing by the balcony doors to observe the night sky. Hands linked behind his back, a far away expression on his face, he reminded Mai of Iroh. It wasn't that they looked alike. But Zuko had absorbed many of the older man's mannerisms over the years. He was still fiery and moody and prone to bursts of anger. But he was far calmer than teenaged Zuko had been. And he thought before he spoke…usually. When she reflected more, Mai realized that Aang had rubbed off on him too. And years of dealing with ornery council members had strengthened the valuable skills of negotiation and compromise and listening. "Look, Mai, I'm not the best person to give advice about family." He snorted indelicately. "But your mother is trying, at least. It must have taken a lot for her to tell you what she did. And I know you're hurt. But maybe….."
"Maybe I should just suck it up and make an effort too." She stared at her husband expectantly.
"Yeah, something like that, I guess, if you want to. I mean, if you think your mother is worth the effort."
Worth the effort.
Mai mulled that phrase over in her head. Her mother had chosen to give up rather than to push and work for a good relationship with Mai. Did she want to do the same? Then again, Akira was extending the hand of motherly concern now. Was refusing it really an option? The answer was an obvious one. Still she had priorities. And healing herself, forming a strong bond with Miyako along with the maintenance of her marriage to Zuko were at the top of her list. Her mother was secondary, especially now. But she would make small gestures here and there. That she could handle.
"This, all this…" Mai's eyes swept around the room, over Zuko and their daughter asleep in her bassinet "comes first." She crossed the space between them, her bare feet sinking into the softness of the carpet, and wrapped her arms about Zuko. "But I will try."
"Good." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm proud of you, you'll never know how proud. You're so strong, Mai."
It was Mai's turn to snort. "I feel anything but strong." Yet, when she contemplated her love's words, she realized that knowing when to seek help, knowing when to open up did require a certain strength. And she was facing her issues head on now, no flinching, no hiding, no keeping anything to herself and allowing it to fester and rot and poison her further. "But maybe you're right. Maybe I am strong."
"I know it."
"Thank you." She spoke softly, burying her face in his chest.
Zuko stroked her hair, running his hand down the length of black. "I'm your husband." She felt him shrug. Those words were explanation enough.
"Yes, and I'm glad of that." Mai pulled back and covered a yawn. "I feel tired. Iroh's tea is working."
She padded over to the bassinet and peered down at Miyako. The infant was still but for the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest. Not wanting to wake her, Mai did not touch. But for the first time since Miyako was born, she felt a strong urge to pick her up and hold her close and never let her go.
"Tomorrow," she whispered, "will be a better day. And I'll hold you then. I promise."
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Mai created a routine for herself, a strict one. She carved it out of her previously aimless days, making time for training, meditation, a walk in the gardens with Miyako and Zuko if he had a spare hour, reading, a visit with Iroh and play time with her daughter. Meals and feeding the infant took up more time. And she found herself napping when Miya did.
On top of that, she and Zuko made sure they had a few moments to cuddle and talk each day. They both needed that, Mai now more than ever before. No one could reassure her like Zuko. No one else's touch could convey so much to her. The tenacity and power of his love and respect buoyed her up when she felt as though she might drown.
Then there were other things like replying to letters from her friends and her uncle. They were all well meaning and kind and she loved them each. But it wasn't until she revealed her situation to Ty Lee and Suki and Toph and Katashi in turn that she felt comfortable writing to them. Her notes before were brief, saying nothing of import. And she'd felt bad about that. She'd hoped they understood somehow, passing off her reticence as part of new motherhood and exhaustion.
Their responses to her confession overwhelmed Mai. Ty Lee, her oldest friend, wanted to visit immediately and would stay as long as Mai needed her. The other women offered visits too and opened their homes to her if she needed to get away. Suki especially sympathized with the trials a new baby brought and assured Mai that her feelings, though extreme, were not a result of some fault or some wrongness inside. Toph's humour and irreverence came through even in the letters she dictated. And her Uncle Katashi's love and support brought tears to her eyes.
There were other letters she awaited more anxiously. Iroh had still not received any replies.
"They have some research to do first, my dear. Don't worry. Everyone will answer."
"Now that my mother has come forward, I'm even more eager to see if it's some strange familial trait or a malady that plagues women around the world." Mai grimaced. "I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on any new mother. But if they're out there, I want to know about it." She grew contemplative for a few minutes and Iroh let her be.
The old man leaned back in his chair and peered at his pai sho pieces. Mai, despite her less than perfect concentration, was giving him a challenge. They had played many times over the years, mostly in his Jasmine Dragon, and the young woman improved steadily. Mai was one of his favorite opponents. She rarely made a rash move and maintained calm. And she never gave anything away on her face. But she would surprise Iroh here and there with creative strategy or a daring move that sometimes paid off. There was much more to Mai than what she permitted those outside her intimate circle of loved ones to see.
"Ah, yes, yes, I think I get it now." He chuckled and reached for his tea, warming it before taking a long sip.
Mai's voice was teasing. "Do you?"
"Now, now, you're just trying to shake my confidence."
"I am?" She drank back the remainder of her tea before tapping her fingernails against the table top.
The tea shop owner pushed his lily tile along a diagonal before staring up at Mai, very pleased with himself.
Mai's expression remained neutral. She allowed her hand to hover over the game board before making what she thought was a triumphant final move. But Iroh's years of experience and sharp mind won out. She saw it then and groaned.
"I got you."
"Yes, I see that now."
"That was a good game, Mai. Perhaps in a few years, you'll be able to defeat me."
"Oh, that soon?"
"Ha, yes, now let's get back to those letters. If it turns out there are many women who have experienced what you are experiencing now, what will you do?"
The Fire Lady stared down at her hands, thinking. Then she adjusted her hair, tucking bits of ebony behind her ears, anything to gain time. "I don't know. Well, I will make sure that Doctor Kita knows it. And maybe he can tell other physicians and mid-wives. Perhaps he could write about this condition, give it a name maybe. Sometimes putting a name to something makes it seem more real and manageable."
"Perhaps you could, write something I mean."
"Me? No, but I would like to help. I think Katara is more suited for that than I am."
"Hmm, I suppose."
Mai got up from her chair and thanked Iroh for the game. "Miyako will be hungry by now. And then it's training time."
"You're keeping yourself very busy."
"It helps; less time to dwell on the bad."
"And how is your training coming?"
"Good; I get lost in the throwing and everything else drops away. And," she added with a smile, "I'm regaining my old touch."
"See, you never lose it, Mai. All it takes is time to get rid of the rust." He stood up too, held Mai's hand and kissed her cheek. "I see subtle changes, Mai. You're improving, bit by bit. And it's because you're working at it and talking and using those of us who cherish you."
"I want it to happen faster. It still feels as though I'm stumbling around in the dark, carrying a huge weight on each of my shoulders." Mai trembled a bit and rubbed her hands up and down her thin arms. "I've never experienced anything so terrible."
"It's a dark time for you, yes. And I cannot begin to understand what it is you are feeling, Mai. But know this; all of us experience these dark times in one form or another. And most of us get through them. Have faith in yourself and those around you. Better times are coming."
Mai gave Iroh a nod and left the room. She was grateful to the old man and that gratitude was impossible to put into words, as were so many emotions. He knew, though. Iroh was smart and intuitive and could sense a lot about people. He knew. And for that Mai was grateful too.
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Having a routine was one thing. Dividing the day up into busy little chunks of time meant to occupy her mind and body, tire her out, force her to live, was easy enough to do; finding the drive to follow that routine was harder.
Mai dragged herself back to her rooms and sent the nurse away for an hour. Left alone with Miyako, she lifted her up off the blanket and held her close for a few moments, running her fingers through the thick black hair, humming an old melody. But Miya was hungry and had no patience for anything. She squirmed in Mai's grip.
"Okay, I get it," Mai remarked as she adjusted her daughter's position and began to nurse her.
Stupidly, she felt rejected. But a baby's needs are immediate and they have not learned the art of waiting. Mai knew that. She would try again once Miya was full.
"Better?" she asked once the baby finished.
Mai smiled down at her daughter and began to hum once more. This time Miyako responded with a smile. It was pure and real and a wonderful reward. Stroking Miya's cheek, Mai whispered "I love you." And her words were as genuine as Miyako's smile.
When she looked up, Mai saw Zuko standing in the doorway, observing the scene with his own sappy grin.
"That makes everything worthwhile." Striding over to his family, he kissed them both. "Lunch is on its way. Hungry?"
"A bit."
"Training later?"
"Yes."
"How was your game of pai sho?"
"Oh, I almost beat your uncle; or maybe he was just saying that to make me feel good."
"No, you're an excellent player, much better than I am."
"Mmm, I guess; how was your morning?"
"Uneventful for the most part, but productive; I've had worse."
The food arrived. Hot and savory, its smells filled the room. Mai put Miya down with a few simple toys and took her place at their little table, kneeling on a thick cushion across from her husband. She poured the tea and they ate, Mai with slow, measured mouthfuls, Zuko more hungrily.
Anyone taking a cursory glance would see an idyllic family scene; mother and father and baby. But rarely was anything quite what it seemed. Mai knew that far too well.
~~~~0000~~~~
"Zuko, wait a minute."
The Fire Lord, dressed in his most formal robes, long brown hair in a top knot, was about to leave for the monthly meeting with representatives from the various Fire Nation regions. He turned about and looked at his wife.
"I don't want to be late."
Mai smoothed out a slight crease in his silks before cupping his cheek. "I'm going to visit my mother today. I just decided and I didn't want you to wonder where I got off to. I'll take Miya and walk."
He looked at her aghast. "Walk? No, you won't. You'll take the palanquin and an accompaniment of guards."
"Are you telling me what to do?"
"Yes, in this case I am. It's not safe for you and Miyako out there. We don't what kind of crazies might want to hurt you or our daughter. You need protection."
Mai knew he was right but felt her anger rise anyway, terrible anger that came from somewhere deep, deep down.
"I can protect myself and Miyako." Her words were a hiss and her jaw stuck out in stubborn defiance. "I'm not weak or helpless." But that was how she felt now; broken and dulled and in control of nothing.
"Mai, we've been through this before. I know you're not weak. And I know you can fight and you would do anything to protect Miyako. But why put her or yourself in harm's way when you can get to your mother's safely? It doesn't make sense." He put a hand on her shoulder but Mai shook it off, dishing out her own brand of rejection.
"Nothing makes sense," she cried. "Nothing and nothing ever will." She swiped at her eyes. "Go, go to your meeting."
Once, years ago, he would have left her like that, baffled by her outburst, unsure of what to do, unsure of his ability to comfort. And his leaving would have tormented him and her until they'd made things right. But after ten years of marriage, Zuko understood more, was more mature, wiser, a better partner. Mai was counting on that.
"No." He could be stubborn too.
His arms engulfed Mai and he held on to her fiercely, as though he would never let go. Warmth flowed into her and with that warmth her rage dissipated. She let herself be held, relaxed her body and breathed in and out, in and out, a gentle rhythm.
"I'm sorry."
Zuko kissed her hair. "I just want you to be safe." He meant so much more than safe crossing the street to her mother's house. She knew that and hugged him back with equal ferocity.
"Go now," she urged. "I'll take the palanquin and a host of guards. Miya and I will be fine."
"Okay." He pulled away, but tilted her head up, two fingers beneath her chin. "I love you."
"I know."
She watched him walk to the door, suddenly the Fire Lord and not Zuko, her husband, her lover, her best friend. With a tired smile, she hoisted up Miyako before arranging for the palanquin.
"Let's go see your grandmother. It should be... interesting."
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