DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.
WARNING: Contains disturbing images and lots of Edward angst and suicidal thoughts.
Polished men's oxford leather shoes.
It was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. I blinked. The shoes were attached to someone; my eyes focused on black slacks and legs. Next to the footwear was another pair of shoes, slippers like ballerina slippers an opaque beige color. It occurred to me that I was in a prone position, the rough synthetic feel of Berber carpet against my cheek. I blinked again, confused.
"Edward?"
I was propelled up and backward of my own volition, hissing as I slammed into the wall feeling it crumble around me. The vampires in front of me assumed a defensive posture around the owner of the leather shoes and black slacks, growls of warning rumbling from their chests. He did not react. His posture did not change; instead he cocked his head and eyed me quizzically.
Edward, do you know where you are?
Did I know? I looked around the brightly lit room. It looked like an upscale modern office; a mahogany credenza and large desk in one corner and next to the three vampires was a sitting area, a sofa, two chairs, a round table between them. The only thing missing was the large windows overlooking a big city skyline.
The surroundings weren't familiar to me, but the vampires were. They had done it then, I wasn't dead, wasn't reduced to ash in Mexico. Jane had some self control after all.
"Volterra," I whispered.
"Yes…yes…" Aro clapped his hands together, then waved at Renata and Alec as if to shoo them away. "You must be confused. I'm afraid Alec's gift can leave one feeling groggy and disoriented. No fear my young friend. The effects are short-lived. How are you feeling? Are you in control?"
I thought about that, not sure if I understood. I'd never seen Aro in this type of setting with so few vampires around him. I assumed he was normally closely guarded. Were they worried I was going to attack? I straightened up from my crouch and brushed the debris from my filthy clothing. Where my state of dress and dishevelment did not embarrass me in the company of the savages in Mexico, now I felt humiliated. This was the second time I'd presented myself to the Volturi as an unkempt nomad. I was not doing well as a representative of Carlisle to his former friends. But then did I really even epitomize what he stood for anymore? Surely I could no longer consider myself part of his family. I I had more than proved I was no longer worthy of him.
"Yes," I finally answered, realizing he was waiting for a response.
"You see Renata; you have nothing to fear from young Edward. Now that he has his bearings about him, he is quite harmless," Aro said in his painfully annoying voice.
Renata did not look convinced, but she and Alec relaxed their crouch.
"You understand why you are here Edward, why Jane brought you to me?"
"The heads," I said simply, my voice flat and unemotional. Despite being unconscious for the first time in my vampire life for hours if not days, I felt detached, exhausted, even my thirst was dulled under my unresponsive senses. "You want to know about the heads."
Aro smiled sadly. "Well yes I suppose that was Jane's reason, but she is young despite her years. She doesn't always see the big picture. No, Edward, this isn't about the heads as you so aptly refer to them, though I would enjoy hearing their thoughts if you wouldn't mind?"
Obediently I stuck out my hand. I was appalled to see it trembling. I concentrated on holding it still in front of me. I wouldn't go to him. I didn't think it wise. His two bodyguards were edgy enough. I wasn't worried about either of them. Renata wasn't a fighter and Alec would only use his gift to subdue me, hardly painful, but I smelled the others, they lurked behind the walls waiting for any sounds of alarm that would draw them in. Passivity was the key to survival in Vulterra and apparently I wanted to survive, for now.
Brushing aside Renata, Aro glided to me, a slight smile on his lips. Unlike me, he didn't loath his gift, but then he could shut it off by simply refraining from touching anyone. I did not have that luxury.
"I'll be quick," he said sympathetically as I flinched when he approached. He understood I would be able to relive the agony of the last several months through his thoughts.
As soon as his hand gripped me, the images flowed. I was forced to view my last months with Bella, my attempts to keep her human despite the ultimatum from Caius, her demand to be changed, my proposal of marriage, Victoria and our hasty trip to Florida, the realization that the newborns were being created to attack us. The stream of memories was interrupted as Aro's concentration broke momentarily when he was confronted with the images of the wolves and then resumed with our efforts to train for the newborns unique abilities.
As the battle between me and Victoria played out, I stifled a whimper knowing what was coming next and as I tried to pull away, Aro's grip became tighter, holding me for the inevitable memory of Bella's motionless body, Carlisle's attempts to change her, my screams of agony and then nothing; a black void, images of the faces of my family worried and haggard, finally my emergence from a catatonic state, our plans to leave Forks and the arrival of Nicholas.
I tried to focus on Alec's mind and managed to catch a glimpse of myself swaying under Aro's touch, but it was only an instant later that I was back reliving my deception, my flight to Mexico, Gina and her odd visions, the implication that she had a gift, an introduction of Mary and Cameron who were unfamiliar to Aro and finally the dismemberment, decapitation and burning of Michael, every painful detail of it completely fascinating to Aro and then finally, the heads. He was less interested in my memories of their physical presence, having retrieved that information from Jane and lingered on their thoughts as I heard them, the silent pleas, however garbled, their awareness and finally their soundless screams as they burned.
I was gasping when he released my hand. It had been mere seconds, but each memory brought it back and I relived it all over again. Renata was close; I could feel her shield, pushing me away from her master, even though I made no attempt to move closer. I was horrified by the thought that I might topple over, unable to find the equilibrium to stand still.
So much grief, so much pain, no wonder he is in such a state.
I hadn't realized I was squeezing my eyes shut, trying to block the images that were still in my head, but when I opened them, I saw Aro's face near mine, surprisingly concerned.
"You've suffered much, young Edward. I think we need to let you take some time to pull yourself together." He motioned towards the door and an unfamiliar vampire scuttled in eyeing me warily. "Take Edward to the showers and get him something to wear. You can deliver him back to us when you are done."
I hope he is not too badly damaged.
Aro smiled without saying anything aloud and with a nod to his bodyguards he floated from the room.
"This way," the vampire motioned me to follow, his displeasure at being assigned the menial task evident in the tone of his voice.
We did not make our way to the lower recesses of the castle but stayed in the front offices taking several twists and turns through a narrow hallway. Eventually we came upon a place I was familiar with, but the human behind the desk was unknown to me. She looked up, smiled at me, winked at the vampire next to me, Antonio was the name I pulled from her thoughts, then resumed what she was doing. I wondered how they found these humans so eager to serve so willing to die.
"Where's Gianna?" I asked without caring.
The vampire looked over his shoulder surprised and shrugged aware that the human was still within earshot. He didn't have to answer; the memory was recalled in response to my question.
Santiago, in a fit of rage, tossing a vampire across the room as a distracted Gianna carrying an armload of books walked in. The vampire's flailing arm caught her in the face, turning it into a bloody pulverized mass of flesh, her features no longer recognizable; her body crumbling like an accordion, barely touching the ground and the vampire inadvertently responsible for the accident catching her, yanking her limp form to him, his mouth on her neck as she gurgled out her last breath. There was no sympathy from the others in the room, only jealousy that they hadn't been quick enough to reach her damaged body first. So her desire to be changed never materialized and she too suffered the fate of my Bella; humans and vampires were never meant to co-exist.
I was led to a small private shower room, undoubtedly used by the humans as there was a bathroom adjacent to it.
"You can shower in there. Someone will bring you clothes," Antonio said curtly. His aspirations to move up in the guard did not include playing nursemaid to the likes of me. I could not determine if he had a gift or not but he seemed unpleasant and uninteresting so I didn't think we would be developing any kind of relationship beyond these moments together.
I tried not to think as I let the warm water run over me, washing away the caked on grime from several weeks of living in squalor. The tremors had not subsided in my new surroundings and I was loath to let the brothers see me in mypalsiedcondition, but I had no choice but present myself to them at Aro's request.
What would be my fate? Now that Aro had read me, would I be mercifully destroyed? And if that were my destiny, why had I been asked to take a shower? No, when Aro referred to Jane not seeing the big picture, he had something else in mind, though he'd clearly been blocking me. I wasn't a total imbecile. I hadn't completely lost my ability to foresee the circumstances I was now in and recognize what my value was to the Volturi. It was Aro's desire that I would join them. From the moment I made my cataclysmic trek here requesting my death, revealing in my thoughts the gifts of Alice and exposing Bella and her potential to them, Aro had wanted me. And now he had me.
Carlisle never talked of the Volturi much, but in the course of the decades I'd been with him, he had thought of them often. His memories revealed much. Despite the brothers' claims that members of the guard were free to leave at their discretion, many were not. Those that were captured from enemy covens or covens that had broken the law could be forced to serve the Volturi. Most accepted the post with honor and those that did not were only given one other alternative.
I knew I had a choice. I would not be allowed to leave, that was certain. But I would be allowed to die. I had come full circle. I was back in the place I'd been not a year before when I thought Bella dead. Now I knew she was dead and what had changed? The situation was in fact worse. Not only had I destroyed Bella, but I'd brought unending grief to my family and would continue to do so as long as I lived.
Esme would not let me go, but if I was destroyed there would be nothing left for her to languish for. She would have to move on. And Carlisle, his never ending obsession over his responsibility towards those he created; what would he do? Would he come to Volterra on my behalf, perhaps risking himself in the process? This would not do. My only request upon my death would be that my family was told of my death. That would end it for them. Whatever grief they felt would be short-lived in relation to our life of eternity and my only regret would be that I hadn't succeeded the year before.
Brown slacks and a white button down shirt were neatly folded on a stool when I emerged from the shower. Quickly I dressed, my anticipation for the unpleasantness that awaited me, causing my hands to shake violently, more so than normal, and I had trouble buttoning my shirt. I briefly considered leaving the new expensive loafers behind, I wouldn't need them to burn, but thought I would present a tidier picture fully dressed. The fit as with the clothes was perfect.
I could hear the sighs of Antonio as he waited for me outside the door and I quickly shook my head of excess water leaving my hair much as it usually was; an unkempt mess on my head.
We made our way through the offices again, back to an elevator near the human. I recognized this place, the reception area where I'd held and kissed Bella as we waited for nightfall that would allow us to leave. We would be going down into the bowels of the castle where the Volturi held court in an opulent drawing room, the feeding room or perhaps banquet hall was the more politically correct terminology was adjacent to it. I would not see the sun again.
The brothers were seated as I remembered, the guard also positioned in a similar manner. The casual conversation hushed as I came in the room but unfortunately their thoughts weren't silent and I was assailed with them. I resisted covering me ears. It didn't help and I would look like a bigger degenerate than I already was.
"Ahh, back again and under similarly distressing circumstances," Caius sneered, his eyes giving me the once over, noting that my appearance was more presentable than the last time. He wouldn't have been so impressed if he'd seen me minutes before. By defying us you killed the girl anyway, stupid boy.
I tried not to react to his thoughts, but my fists clenched, my muscles became rigid. Jane stepped between us and smiled.
"There is no point in torturing him, Caius. He's done a fair amount of that on his own," Aro said pleasantly as if he were talking about the weather. He stood up without seeming to and his bodyguards were immediately at his side.
I noted that all the brothers appeared to have their own little attaché of bodyguards. For Aro it was Renata of course and Jane and both moved forward with him.
"Edward…Edward, what to do...what to do," Aro mumbled thoughtfully, drumming his fingers against his chin as he looked down, his posture suggesting he was contemplating my fate.
But in his mind I could see me already in the dark robes standing next to Jane and Alec, my status in the guard already elevated by my gift, my future already decided. He was showing me it, deliberately, gauging my reaction, wanting confirmation that I would accept it rather than defy him in front of the others.
"If I make speak?" I asked quickly. My defiant days were long gone.
"Yes, yes of course," Aro said smiling but his eyes held a warning.
"I wish to be destroyed," I said as respectfully as I could given that I knew of Aro's desires for me and he knew I knew. "And once that unpleasantness is done, I ask that Carlisle is notified."
There were snickers in the room, a smirk from Felix as he moved forward stopping only when Aro held up his hand. "Now Edward, if we were going to destroy you, we wouldn't have gone through all the trouble of bringing you back here. Besides, I'm not sure Carlisle would approve of our decision. He may not take it well."
I started to protest, finding it absurd to even consider that Carlisle would seek vengeance, his nature too gentle, too forgiving, but Aro shook his head to silence me.
"Aro, just do it and be done with it," Caius barked. An ally?
But Aro did not appear inclined to indulge either of us. Instead he smiled bigger, and then I saw not me under a cloak next to Jane and Alec, but Alice. Is that what you want?
I didn't think it possible to tremble any more than I was, the tremors already an irritating affliction that had plagued me for weeks, but I had to clench my teeth to keep my teeth from chattering and as when I was forced to take Jane to the heads, my legs felt decidedly weak, like I might collapse on the spot. I shook my head slightly.
Then enough of this talk of destruction. I will not destroy such a valuable gift.
"I think if we give Edward time to think about it, he will come to his senses." Aro spoke aloud for the benefit of those around us.
I was staring past his shoulder, trying to get control of my brain which seemed to be on overdrive. It wasn't just the thoughts of those around me that was overwhelming me, but now I appeared to be suffering from an internal malfunction as my own thoughts became impossible for me to control, a dozen different things coming at me all at once, like bugs on a windshield, each idea, each musing each memory splatting against my skull followed by another and another. Again I fought the need to cover my ears. Aro was talking to me, still out loud but all I could hear was the splat, splat, splat as I was inundated with my thoughts and I understood that I just couldn't do this anymore.
Given my history, I was going to fail Alice, it was inevitable. I could only pray that Aro was bluffing. It wasn't like the Volturi to force someone who'd committed no crime to serve them. Carlisle never provided a single example of it, not in his thoughts or memories or commentary on them to me. It had to be a bluff. But I would never know for sure, because staying true to myself, my selfish nature, I wouldn't be around to suffer if I was wrong.
Understanding that I posed no real risk to Aro, I charged him anyway. Roaring out all my frustration, anguish and sorrow in those two steps I took before the burning pain sliced along my spine and ripped through me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I didn't even have time to scream before there was nothing again, nothing at all.
"Aro, enough with this nonsense. He's deranged. He needs to be destroyed. Jane can't always be expected to intervene." Caius sounded furious.
I didn't blame him, but Aro didn't appear swayed. I won't destroy such a gift.
"He's my problem brother, don't worry yourself," Aro said dismissively from somewhere above me.
For the second time that day, I opened my eyes to find myself on the ground. I could tell that I was in the same position as I'd fallen. My face was pressed against the hard stones of the ancient floor; one arm was under me, the other over my head as I reached for Aro.
"I've never seen anyone court Jane's torture like you do, young one." He sighed as I rolled on my back.
There were four pairs of red eyes staring down at me. Only Aro looked remotely friendly and this I knew was part of his allure. He was the male version of Mary.
"It's been quite fun," Jane giggled, looking like she was truly enjoying herself.
"Stand please…slowly," Aro said glancing sternly at Jane.
Unlike Jane, I was not enjoying her gift and decided it was wise to do as requested. I was surprised to see that the chamber was empty. Even Caius was gone.
"How do you feel Edward, tell me of these tremors? When did they start?" He'd resumed his seat in his throne. Jane and Alec flanking him, Renata always next to him, her hand hovering over him. She was afraid of me.
"You know when." I didn't understand this questioning. There was nothing he could ask me that he didn't already know.
"Yes, yes I know. But do you know? What do you remember of it?" He'd clasped his fingers together his index fingers up under his chin.
"They started...they started when I was in Mexico." Why couldn't I focus? I knew the answer, but I couldn't grab it, the memory was just out of my reach. I tried to find the answer in Aro's mind but he would not indulge me by thinking about it.
"When in Mexico?" Aro probed.
"I...I...when I saw the heads?" The words came out like a question and I found myself looking at him for confirmation.
He smiled sadly and shook his head.
But that confused me. It seemed right. I sighed, looking down at my hands that were trembling like an addict that needed his next fix.
"When did you feed last?" Now Aro was stroking his chin.
I felt I was being interrogated. Silly really, given that these were simple questions that implicated no one. No crimes were committed. When did I feed last? Why couldn't I find that memory? I could almost hear the spinning of my memory rolodex, a little whirl as it whizzed around, but I couldn't make it stop and that memory whipped by me again and again.
Could I lie? Stupid. Aro already knew the answer. But maybe I could guess right.
"Yesterday?" His expression suggested I was incorrect. "Or the day before." I tried again. Alec's lips twitched in a smirk, Jane was outright grinning and Aro was shaking his head.
My hands slid through my hair. It was dry now. How long had I laid on the chamber floor held in Alec's mental grip. Long enough to clear out the room.
You mustn't worry yourself Edward. You've been under tremendous stress. I think I know how to help you. Aro rose, his personal guards jumped in front of him startled by his motion. "It's been over a week since you've fed and not enough to sate your hunger. We are expecting human visitors before the week is out. Would you like to join us?"
I shook my head hard, like a child on the verge of a temper tantrum.
"Then we will bring in something for you to feed on."
"Will that help me remember?" Now I was speaking like a child. The question was juvenile, but I remained hopeful.
"No Edward. But come, I have something else that just might."
We made our way to the passages that weaved beneath the castle. His guards remained between him and I except for Felix, who joined us following closely behind me ready to intervene if I made any aggressive moves. I could feel the incline change, we were moving up. I had not been this deeply in the castle and felt my curiosity piqued. There was something familiar about this place, a déjà vu feeling that I'd wandered these halls before, seen the ornately decorated rooms, passed by the little chapel, run my fingers along the smooth stone walls. The works of art and tapestries that hung in what was no longer a tunnel but a long hall were tantalizingly familiar. I'd seen them before. I was sure of it; the fine detail triggering memory after memory, I'd studied them with great interest. Given that that was impossible, I decided not to say anything. Caius wasn't far off. I was very close to losing my mind; not remembering things that had clearly happened to me and remembering things that were not part of my past.
Eventually we were above ground again, presumably on the main level of the castle, just below the brothers' quarters. They, with their wives occupied all the space behind the street level front offices and the upper floors of the castle. The lower levels were reserved for feeding, greeting visiting vampires, disposing of the guilty and housing the guard.
I was intrigued, given my behavior that I was even allowed up in this part of the castle and for the first time in weeks I actually felt interested in my surroundings.
Aro stopped in a brightly lit corridor with modern sky lights that seemed out of place within the ancient interior of the space, but created a more cheery ambiance with its natural lighting. This area did not look familiar to me and I was surprised to find Aro looking at me expectantly.
He waved his hand at a closed wooden door with old archaic pintle hinges and a Suffolk latch that looked like it hadn't been opened in decades. "Look inside Edward, tell me what you think."
I was immediately wary and my body convulsed in a fit of tremors as I remembered the last time I'd been invited to investigate something on my own. I didn't realize I was shaking my head no until Aro sighed.
There is nothing to fear behind that door.
He waited expectantly again reminding me of my short-lived Mexican coven, their anticipation almost oozing from their closed pores. Aro wasn't quite as eager but he did seem to be waiting for a reaction from me. Again I shook my head, this time consciously.
"Alec, please open the door," Aro said tiredly. I didn't suspect that he was a patient vampire and I was testing what little of it he had.
I stepped back, crouching not sure what I expected to happen when the door, creaking with non use, swung open. The interior of it was completely unexpected. No foreign scents filled my nostrils, no voices suddenly flooded my brain with their mumbling pleas, though if I'd thought to consider it, I didn't need an open door to hear thoughts. The guards surrounding Aro looked confused and uncertain and through their eyes, I could see I wore the same expression. Only Aro continued to carry the look of anticipation, waiting for a reaction from me without revealing what he expected in his thoughts.
I stepped forward hesitatingly, still wary but less so. The room appeared completely void of danger. It was small, tiny in comparison to some of the more spacious quarters, lounges and drawing rooms we'd passed. From wall to wall the area was no bigger than an average master bedroom might be in the states. On one wall was a large Louis XV gilded console with a rich black marble top and centered in front of that impressive piece of furniture were two leather chairs flanking a small simple oval occasional table. On the far wall were bookshelves, old crude shelves removed from the ornate decorations that made up the other pieces, and on them were hundreds of books, all older texts as judged by their leather bindings and withered appearance.
But it wasn't the inspiring collection of books that had drawn my attention and a slight gasp. It was the fireplace, the focal point of the wall. It was massive reaching to the ceiling some twenty feet up, each stone had been carefully selected for its hue and shape and each piece fit together with the precision offered by the tools of a modern day stone cutter. The lintel itself was void of decoration but the overmantel depicted carvings of dragon heads and gargoyles amongst plants and flowers. I knew this design. I knew this room, I knew this fireplace. The books weren't the same, the furnishings were different, but I knew where I stood. Hypnotized by it, the physical surroundings and more likely the understanding of it; I managed to tear my eyes away and looked at Aro meeting his avid gaze. He was smiling.
Do you see Edward?
I nodded and turned back to the room.
"I wasn't sure but I thought you would recognize it," Aro spoke out loud, apparently trying to ease the trepidation Renata was feeling over our silent conversation.
In that moment, my mind was clear, like it had been before my disastrous trek to Mexico and before Bella's death. My focus was sharp; I could see everything, concentrate, use my heightened senses and absorb it all. I was able to block out the voices of the castle and just drink in the room. Everything came to me in a tidal wave of memories and I neatly compartmentalized all of them.
I could see how the sun would flood the room with light in late afternoon, how the stars were visible in the rectangular windows high up on the stone walls, acting as night lights for a vampire that could see as easy in day as in night. I saw how the room glowed when the moon was full, the beams from it reflecting off the smooth stone and the shadows that fell across it as the sun slowly rose each morning. I knew this room as well as knew my room back in Forks or any of the rooms I'd lived in previous to that. This room had been Carlisle's; he'd lived here for years. I'd seen it countless times in his memories whether he consciously thought about it or not.
There had been a Louis XV desk in one corner that dominated the room and Carlisle had spent hours there pouring over scores of old text. A Bergere chair sat where one of the oversized leather chairs was now, but the occasional table was the same; I didn't have to study it closely to see the depiction of a spray of flowers that decorated the top of it. But it wasn't the furniture that made up the room, it was the fireplace that brought it all home to me, how I knew this room was his.
"He's shown it to you then?" Aro said, apparently he'd been waiting for me to speak.
"Yes, many times. He thinks about it often. He learned much in this room. He thought of it as his home," I said barely above a whisper, too stunned to offer more. I wasn't sure why it surprised me. Of course the interior of the Volturi castle would be familiar to me, I'd lived with the images, I'd spent years wandering through Carlisle's memories, learning as much as I could about his past, what he'd done, where he'd been. But to experience the reality of it had brought with it a new round of emotions, raw and painful and...comforting. I wanted to reach out and touch the walls as I'd seen Carlisle do and through his eyes see his hand trace along the pavers during the many nights he'd spent here, alone and lonely, contemplating his existence amongst vampires who did not share his beliefs and values.
"Many have stayed here since Carlisle left, but I've always thought of it as his room," Aro spoke gently. "It's seldom used now for anything more than a private library; it has many of our favorite books. Unfortunately most won't be familiar from your memories. The books during Carlisle's time have either disintegrated with age or been moved to our preservation room. No book here is over two hundred years old. Sadly we didn't have the technology that would allow us to save books and scrolls from hundreds of years ago.
I nodded, looking now at the array of leather-bound books and not finding familiarity in the patterns on the shelf. They were not books from Carlisle's memories, just as Aro had said.
"You may stay here Edward, if you like."
My gasp was met by three more as Alec and Jane's heads snapped first to Aro, then to each other and finally to me, their expressions shocked, then furious. Renata looked absolutely horrified and I could see that she was terrified for Aro's safely at my close proximity to the brother's private quarters.
"Master, it's not safe," she spoke in a quivering voice, touching the sleeve of his immaculately tailored black velvet jacket.
Aro chuckled. "I'm sure Caius would agree with you my dear Renata, but I feel it will be quite safe. This is where Edward belongs." Isn't that right Edward?
I nodded thoughtfully.
"You are in control of your emotions?" He spoke for Renata's benefit.
I nodded again.
"And you won't try and murder us in our chambers?" His amusement was plain in the tone of his voice.
I nodded, and when he frowned, I shook my head.
"Very good young Edward. You see Renata, it is quite safe."
"I will stay with master," Jane said her voice barely containing her fury, her rage evident in her expression and her thoughts.
I understood that I was being bestowed with a great honor given the proximity of this private room to the brothers' quarters. No other member of the guard had rooms on this level. This room and the others further along the hall were reserved for visitors and friends. Is that what I was? Aro's visions were quite clear. He wanted me to join his guard. I didn't understand the privilege granted me given my display of unstable behavior that afternoon, but I wasn't going to argue with him. He was worried about Caius. He dreaded the confrontation that would follow, but for now he was pleased with both my reaction and his estimation that this is what I needed to bring me back.
I did not share his optimism on the latter, but my enthusiasm for hiding in this room away from the others could not be dampened. I ignored the look of pure hatred on Jane's face and slid between her and Alec into the respite that this bare stone room would offer me.
"I will send someone when we find you an appropriate meal," Aro said as an afterthought drifting away followed by his guard, already in his mind I could see that my diet would not be of mountain lion or bear. Goats were much more prevalent in Italy.
Once alone, I closed the massive wood door and sucked in the air around me, searching for Carlisle's two hundred year old scent. The room smelled of old books and mildew. I smiled. It was a smell from Carlisle's memories, the same smell, one he breathed in every day during his thirty plus years with the Volturi. It was soothing.
Goats were disgusting. There blood was bitter and flat. It had no life, no essence, no draw. Any primal instincts I had to feed on the blood I could feel pulsing beneath the skin was squelched once it was spilled. The smell was pungent, unappealing and I only pushed my mouth against the fountain of red fluid to defy those around me that watched on with snickers and sarcastic comments. I would not let them see my distaste with feeding on the stringy beasts. So obediently I drained all six of them, tossing their carcasses aside as I finished each one. I was in the lower levels of the castle, not in the torrent room, but in an abandon part of the tunnels. I was told to leave the dead goats as they lay. Apparently the Volturi had a cleanup crew. I briefly wondered what one had to do wrong to end up on that detail.
Now back in my room, Carlisle's room as I preferred to think of it, I felt full, not satisfied, but it was enough. I'd moved all the furniture, rearranged it the way I saw it in Carlisle's memories. I had no desk as he did, but I pushed one of the leather chairs off to a corner and pulled the other in the center of the room directly facing the fireplace. Sitting in the chair I could look at the books before me and though still not exactly right, I was pulled into his memories. And there were so many; I hadn't consciously thought about all the memories that had been passed from Carlisle to me before.
Through our years together his inner voice was always in my head. I tuned it out more often than not, but now as I thought back, those memories had stuck. I could remember how the tittering little laugh of the newly turned Esme would remind him of another laugh of the first female vampire he'd ever met, Chelsea. How he would hear her through the walls of this room, laughing flirtatiously at a suggestive comment by one of the male guard and how he would feel jealous, his fingers pressing against the wall, digging into the crevice between the stones as he listened and wished it were he that could offer a clever quip bringing that sweet bell like laughter to her lips.
That memory spurred me to mimic Carlisle's actions. Standing against the wall, pressing my fingers against the stone, I watched my hand which became Carlisle's as he saw it through his eyes and through those memories my own fingers found the pock marks of his fingers, still there in the mortar, the damage the same through my eyes as they were through his.
Excited, I moved to the next memory and the next. The room for all its hidden treasures and reminders was only a small part of Carlisle's Volterra experience and soon I was venturing out of my room. Aro warned me from proceeding any further up the tunnels, so I could only go down, back towards the guard's quarters. I was left alone as I wandered the lower recesses of the castle. I could hear the whispers of the other vampires. I conceded that my behavior was odd when I viewed myself through their eyes and didn't blame their thoughts questioning my mental stability. Only the twins, Demetri and Felix understood my behavior and their distaste in counting me as one of their own as was Aro's wish, befriended me to none of them. Quentin was the only one that actively sought me out and even he drifted away finding me peculiar as I stared at walls, studied furnishings, touched the artwork or cradled the fine vases and porcelain figurines that filled the rooms.
Carlisle's memories brought me to a great library with scores upon scores of books and adjacent to that, was a room that wasn't in them. Airtight with Plexiglas walls several inches thick, gaining entrance required going through two sets of modern tightly sealed doors. The room itself contained the most ancient of the books, scrolls and papers that still existed in the Volturi collection. Since we did not need to breathe the lack of oxygen in the room was not a deterrent and our hands contained no oils, so no damage was done to the delicate pages when we touched them.
The librarian of the room eyed me suspiciously when I entered for the first time and watched with unabashed concern as I touched the leather binding of a book from my memories, a favored book of Carlisle's, a collection of ancient medical devices, procedures and illustrations of the human anatomy. With great care, I removed it from its resting place and with deference to its fragility; I carefully turned the pages, again letting myself drift to the memories of Carlisle. He embraced the teachings of this 17th century modern guide to medicine, his delight in its contents however primitive in relation to modern medicine, amplified his desires to become a doctor even back then.
Another memory brought me deeper beneath the castle, under the chapel, into a winding maze of catacombs, tombs of the dead lining the walls, most of the human remains long since turned to dust. This was where Carlisle came to be alone. My gift or curse as I'd begun to think of it, allowed me no such peace. I could still hear the thoughts of the nearby vampires, but in Carlisle's memories, with no ability to read minds, he found tranquility among the dead that still resembled the corpses they were. He'd spent much time here, hiding during feedings and the tortures of other vampires and it was during that time that he began to examining the skeletal remains of the bodies that surrounded him, looking for the cause of their death never missing an opportunity to educate himself.
One memory brought me to a small alcove; the body that resided there was one of a female, judging from the jewelry of gold and precious stones that lay within the pile of mostly decomposed bone. I felt his sorrow, his sadness in this place, loneliness and longing and it made me uncomfortable. Even though I'd always carried these memories with me, I seldom thought of the specifics of them, but now as I relived them, in physical contact with the very location that produced them, I felt like an intruder, a trespasser into Carlisle's life.
Still I did not leave, could not resist the pull of a memory that had me reaching out my hand, touching the skull of the dead human and in my mind it was Carlisle's hand, the familiar silver band engraved with his family crest prominently displayed on his finger. But in this memory he held a journal, a small worn battered book and he was sliding it into a hole behind the corpse between the stones, replacing the stone that had been removed, effectively hiding it from view.
Because I was viewing only the memories he'd thought about, I did not have one of the stone being removed or any of him retrieving the book. I felt a rush of adrenalin, as my fingers touched the stone of his memories, but now it was my hand I saw through my eyes, my fingers closing around a protruding end of it, pulling on it, feeling it break loose of the grip of the sagging weight of the stone above it that had settled with time. And then holding my breath, my fingers slid into the pocket behind the stone and touching the book, I could barely contain a squeal of delight. Here I was over two hundred years later, finding an item that I'd seen Carlisle leave hidden in the castle. It was mind boggling.
Tenderly I pulled it from its century's old resting place, being careful to apply no pressure to the fragile item, my excitement barely contained. Given its hiding place, deep underground in a cold location with limited oxygen exposure, I shouldn't have been surprised by its reasonably good condition and I hastily retreated to my room, anxious to read what I presumed to be Carlisle's personal journal. I tried not to be disappointed when I found most of the pages were illegible, the ink long faded away with time and instead focused on what I could read bits and pieces in Carlisle's neat handwriting.
He spoke often of his loneliness, his disillusionment with the Volturi, his loathing over what he was, which surprised me as Carlisle had always maintained that we were no different than humans in most respects. I understood these writings to be from a young Carlisle, before he was a doctor before he had a family and was impressed with the magnitude of his growth through the decades which was, widely believed impossible after our change. The final entry in the journal suggested the desire to leave the Volturi and a great journey to the new world, an uncivilized territory that would welcome his skills as the doctor he planned to be.
Reading what words I could, written by the man I had loved for the better part of a century threatened to reduce me to sobs and upon deciphering all that I could from it, I removed a similar type stone from the wall in my room and hid it as Carlisle had done not understanding his reasoning, but wanting to preserve what remained of his personal ramblings and hide it from those that might wish to cause me pain with its destruction.
The day came when I was inundated with the desire to feed on humans from all the vampires that resided in the castle. Their thoughts pummeling me, their need to feed, consuming me, my own thirst almost as overpowering as the first day I'd come into contact with Bella's scent. I hid in my room, my hands uselessly covering my ears, my mind struggling to find a safe place to hide. Then Aro's spoken voice at the door, urging me join them and when that drew a wail of agony from me, he expressed his concern that I was slipping away again and urged me to focus on Carlisle's memories, my fascination with them, not lost on him.
I tried, but then I could hear the thoughts of approaching humans, the memory was similar to the torturous day from my past when Bella came to my aid, the humans brushing by us as they made their way to their deaths, most not suspecting anything was amiss, but the few more observant ones, understanding that they were amongst evil and would likely not emerge from the tour alive. At that time I'd been so overcome with my fear for Bella's safety that I'd hardly been aware of the horrifying sounds of the dying. I'd not been in jeopardy of slipping into the minds of the feeding vampires, experiencing the exquisite delight of human blood as they sucked and slurped at the twitching bodies beneath them.
And so in a final desperate act to escape, I ran from my room and down the hall, away from the sounds, struggling to find a Carlisle memory that brought me in this direction and when I did, I latched onto it furiously, letting nothing distract me, refusing to let anything else in but the memory as seen through Carlisle's eyes, how he moved down the great hall, his eyes coming to rest on a medieval door that wasn't so medieval during his stay. I pulled at the door latch and the door opened to a narrow landing. I was surprised to see a spiral stone stair case going up and down. Down would bring me to the banquet hall, the turret room, the feeding. The scent of human was strong. I did not want to go down and Carlisle's memories led me up. I wasn't sure if I was grasping on a specific memory or a combination of more than one. I believed the latter as I could see a layering of identical memories, an askew allusion and when I looked down through Carlisle's eyes, he wasn't always wearing the same pair of shoes. Some memories revealed the heeled black buckled shoes, elaborately decorated and in others he'd be wearing riding boots or a type of slipper. He would even be barefoot occasionally. These images were confusing and I tried to focus on only one memory since they all showed the same journey up the stairs.
I pulled the latch of the door open, the interior before me was an elaborate plush master's quarters. Tapestries covered the walls that weren't already filled with book shelves holding thousands of old text. The furnishings looked to be from the 18th century, fit for the finest of homes of that period and an expensive collection in modern times. In Carlisle's memories, he did not hesitate as he entered the room, welcomed here I assumed by his ease of entry and familiarity.
And so I, retracing his steps imitating his movement failed to realize that I'd done the one thing Aro asked me not to do; I ventured upstairs and when I smelled the powerful odor of another vampire present with me, a familiar vampire, my memories of Carlisle faded away and I found myself staring into the shocked face of the unguarded completely alone Marcus as he looked up from the human he was feeding on.
Author Notes:
I know I suggested through Carlisle's words that there would be a lot of pressure to get Edward to feed off of humans, but Aro can see that right now it is more important to try and stablize Edward who is suffering from some serious issues.
If Aro sounds a little more compassionate then SM's version, I suspect it is because I sort of like him, despite his bad hairdo. It might also have to do with my assumption that he's no dummy. He wants Edward's gift. Bad.