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Courtship for Dummies

Chapter Fourteen

Allen had a plan, a very simple plan, he was going to sneak out of the Ark, run to the dining hall and get as much food as he could carry, including Kanda's tempura before running back to the Ark. But most importantly he was to do all of this without being seen by his Master.

He'd successfully made it out of the Ark without any problems, however before he'd even made it to the dinning hall his plans came to ruin, a hand on his shoulder keeping him firmly in place.

"And where have you been today, apprentice? Apparently no one has seen you anywhere in the past couple of hours." Although General Cross spoke nonchalantly Allen could still detect an underlying edge to his Master's voice.

"Ah, well, you know, here and there." Noticing that he was flapping his hands stupidly in the air Allen quickly lowered them and hoped he didn't look too suspicious.

"Oh really. Well coincidently in the same time you seem to have disappeared Kanda too has been missing in action. You wouldn't happen to know anything about this?"

"Kanda's missing! I thought he was meant to be helping you?" Allen plastered a shocked and yet concerned look onto his face and hoped Cross would be suitably appeased by his lies.

"Yes, well he's rather sprightly. So you have no idea where he is then?" Cross spoke his first sentence rather quickly not wanting to have to explain how he'd lost the other man.

"No, I haven't seen him all day."

"Not hiding him anywhere?" Cross continued to wheedle Allen.

"What? No! Of course not."

"You know it's a sin to lie, and you wouldn't lie to me apprentice, not to your dear, dear Master, who cared and nurtured you in one of your times of need, now would you?" Cross lowered his voice as he leaned in to Allen, staring intently at the young exorcist while also increasing his grip on the young man's shoulder.

"O-Of course not." stuttered Allen.

"Well since we've cleared that up, I feel I've been a little remiss in checking up on you since I've returned to the Order, so let's go for a drink." In a fraction of a second Cross's whole demeanour had changed with his voice returning to a less threatening pitch and the tight grip on Allen's shoulder turning into a friendly pat. His actions a cause of concern for Allen who was confused by Cross's easy compliance and a little suspicious that it was all just part of some nefarious plot to trick him.

"What. Wait a second, umm, what about Kanda?" Allen asked hesitantly not wanting Cross to restart his interrogation.

"He'll come out eventually, all in good time, now we go drink!" Throwing his arm around the younger exorcist's shoulders Cross began to move down the corridor, ignoring the exasperated look on Allen's face.

"But-but I haven't eaten anything yet!" Unwilling to spend any 'quality time' with Cross and even more unwilling to leave Kanda waiting alone in the Ark Allen hastily tried to think of some excuse that would enable him to run away. At least until he could let Kanda know what was going on.

"Good, best to drink on an empty stomach. Good forethought there young Allen, there's hope for you yet!" Cross seemed genuinely pleased by his apprentice's progress.

"I can't go!" Allen exclaimed almost desperately, resisting Cross's attempt to steer them further away from the dining hall.

"Why not? Unless you've got a hot date hidden in your room we should be good to go and we've already established that you are not hiding Kanda, haven't we?" Cross's arm felt a little tighter on his shoulders and his voice dropped slightly in pitch. Sensing he was returning to dangerous ground Allen hurriedly tried to remedy the situation.

"Of course I don't have Kanda hidden in my room, or anyone else for that matter. But, uh, I can't go. Not without…without Lavi! He's done so much for me since I've been at the Order Headquarters it wouldn't be right for me to leave him behind if you want to find out how I've been doing." Urgently Allen tried to think of an excuse and Lavi always seemed to be his last resort.

"Then we'll bring him along, the more the merrier!" Cross cheered up immediately and Allen sighed in relief.

"Great, okay, well you go look on the east side of building and I'll go look on the west side and we'll meet back here afterwards." Allen hoped that this would buy him some time and hopefully Lavi would take some work to find. Luck apparently was rarely on Allen's side.

"No need. There's the one-eyed freak now. Oi Bandana-boy, we're going drinking, have you eaten? No? Great! Neither have we! Leave the bandana behind, it makes you look like a thirteen year old."

Having apparently conducted a complete conversation without any input from Lavi, Cross was satisfied that they'd come to an obvious understanding and swaggered confidently towards the exit, an unenthusiastic Allen in tow. Although Lavi was offended on behalf of his bandana he dutifully removed it from his hair and trotted after them, after all he couldn't resist such a tempting offer.

xxxxx

"…and then I told him he could stick that in his pipe and smoke it!" Rancorous laughter broke out amongst the large crowd gathered around a table in the bar.

At the epicentre sat three highly trained exorcists in various degrees of inebriation. General cross, the current speaker, was in particularly high spirits. A young woman perched on his lap and a melee of women vying for his attention, with wine in hand he was in his element. His level of intoxication was a mystery to his companions, even though he had been plying them with alcohol all night.

Lavi sat opposite the General with his mouth stretched into a wide grin that he was unable to remove; he didn't even understand what was so funny, only laughing because everyone else was. Fairing not nearly as well as Cross his glass dangled precariously from his fingers as he swayed slightly in his chair. Trying to bring a halt to his movements which were starting to make him feel a bit dizzy he leaned sideways, resting his shoulder on young Allen, who sat next to him, for support.

Turning to face Allen, Lavi whispered conspiratorially in a loud voice to the other man.

"Pie can be sweet or savoury!" Having spoken his thoughts that had been plaguing him for the past few minutes Lavi giggled happily.

Allen smiled benignly at the giggling exorcist, after the second bar he had found everything seemed so much better, he was even finding Cross to be quite agreeable. He couldn't understand why he'd been so hesitant to drink the first couple of glasses of wine that Cross had forced down his throat.

Accepting a refill from a brunette who was pouring out more wine Allen admired her long hair, reminding him of a foul-mouthed exorcist with a penchant for violence. Getting caught up in thoughts of the Japanese exorcist he smiled dopily at the young woman, who backed away quickly. Not noticing the young woman's hasty movement Allen continued to stare love struck into thin air, staying stuck in his own little world until a strangled voice coming from his armpit and a few meek slaps brought him back to reality.

"Canshn't bweathe!" Lavi gasped in large amounts of air as soon as he was released from the younger exorcist's headlock and moved further down the table.

"Boys, boys, none of that, not when we're in the presence of ladies and such lovely ones at that." Cross smiled indulgently at the crowd of women whose attention returned to him after watching the younger men in unease and promptly swooned. With one smile he'd managed to simultaneously reassure and arouse all the women in a two metre radius. The blonde on his lap had practically fainted. Next to the other two exorcists he looked far more refined and suave, drawing in even more women.

However the night was still young and there were many more establishments to visit in this area, one the locals called the 'red light district', therefore it was time to move onto their next facility for amusement.

Cross slid the woman off of his lap, passing her over to lean on her friends and stood before a busty brunette could take her place. Walking around the table he grabbed the other exorcists by their scruffs and lifted them to their feet, throwing his arms around his two companions, coincidentally steadying Lavi before he fell back down.

"Well ladies it looks like we're in need of some fresh air, the pleasure, I can assure you, has been all mine." Winking at his dejected audience Cross manoeuvred his trainees towards the door amongst many cries for him to stay.

Nearly making it to the exit their progress was impeded by the proprietor of the establishment, a burley, seven foot tall man with a fierce face, the only thing standing between the three exorcists and the door. Allen and Lavi instantly felt a little more sober.

"Ah yes the bill, how could I forget!" Though Cross's charms were working at full blast they held no sway on the now glaring man.

"Please be so kind as to forward all our charges to a Mr. Tyki Mikk. T-y-k-i M-i-k-k. Thank you. Rest assured on my word as an exorcist this man really does exist. If that will be all, we must take our leave." Far from satisfied the proprietor reluctantly moved out of the way after noting down the name of their sponsor. Cross tilted his head in thanks and swiftly left the bar.

Once on the street Cross turned to get a look at his companions.

"Fresh air already seems to be working, no need to stop for coffee then. I think our next stop should be a little more…robust." Allen and Lavi more relaxed since they'd left the bar nodded enthusiastically at the General's plan, even if they had no idea what it entailed.

Ten minutes later they were hustled inside "Ye Olde Tavern" and treated to the sight of three barely dressed barmaids dancing on the tables, several men cheering them on. Apparently when the General said robust he was referring to downright bawdy behaviour.

"Ah, this will do nicely. Apprentice go get us the drinks tell them to put it on a tab to be sent to Mr. Sheryl Camelot." Pushing Allen towards the bar he pulled Lavi further into the crowd and easily joined the cheering audience. Lavi couldn't believe his luck.

Not one to be overlooked for long, as soon as Allen had returned with their drinks, passing pints round to the other men, Cross was spotted by the female contingent of the tavern. One of the three dancing barmaids taking it in her stride to make the exorcists feel welcome.

"New in town boys? I want to hear all of you joining in with our next number and I'll have none of you regulars slacking off either aye?" A loud shout of approval was provided by her rapt audience before she continued.

"Well then boys raise up your glasses and sing with me. Well, show me the way, to the next whisky bar…" General cross stood immediately with the other patrons, glass high in the air, swaying and singing with the crowd.

Looking at each other before shrugging the younger exorcists soon joined the crowd mumbling, trying to learn the words as they went. When one song ended one of the crowd would offer a new one, teaching the words before a full scale performance.

So drinking as they sang and becoming friendlier with the crowd they quickly merged in with the regulars. Lavi had an arm thrown around the shoulders of a shopkeeper singing their hearts out, Allen was clinking glasses and dancing with a barmaid and a baker while Cross had an arm wrapped around a barmaid and his other around another young woman.

Noticing that they were becoming short of new drinking songs having sung two renditions of The Alabama Song consecutively, the lyrics now ingrained into the young exorcists' heads, Lavi spoke up, letting go of his companion who stumbled at the loss of his support. Walking to the front of the crowd he began to teach them his lyrics which were welcomed earnestly by the drunken onlookers.

Ten minutes later Lavi had the whole tavern on their feet belting out his lyrics as loud as possible, Allen and Cross included.

The way you grip a sword makes my heart flutter,

And oh how it thrills me to see you slice through akuma like butter.

With long dark hair that kinda looks blue,

Tied back with a ribbon that really suits you.

Oh oh Kanda, my sweet Kanda Yu,

No one can fight the way you do.

I can't, no I can't help but stare,

At the way you use such a masterful glare.

Your strong punches make me black and blue,

But it's reassuring to know your hits always strike true.

Oh oh Kanda, my sweet Kanda Yu,

No one can fight the way you do…

Coming to the end of the song the crowd let out a great cheer and riding such exaltation Lavi jumped onto a chair and raised his glass while he shouted to the horde.

"A toast! A toast to sweet Kanda Yu, who if he was here would surely have killed me by now! HIP HIP…"

"HOORAY!" Shouted back the cheerful gathering. Allen and Cross joining in, standing together arm in arm.

xxxxx

Back at the Order Headquarters, in the forest, Kanda suddenly felt irrationally self-conscious and irritated even though moments before he had been happily slashing his katana in a series of complex executions. Feeling disorientated Kanda re-sheathed his sword and leant against a tree as he caught his breath.

-TBC-

A/N: The song the barmaid starts to sing is The Alabama Song it's covered by The Doors, I'm not sure who produced it originally, but basically it wasn't me. On the other hand Lavi's "song" I can definitely take credit for.

General Cross is wrong, very, very wrong, the best time to drink is not on an empty stomach, don't do this.