Chapter Four:

I had been so distracted by the stench of werewolf and, to a lesser extent, Bella's blood that I hadn't heard Jacob approach. I jumped through the window the instant the doorknob turned, just in time to see Bella spin around and feel a burst of panic break through. I really was pushing my luck now. I ran a good distance from the house, far enough away not to cause any undue stress, but not so far as to leave Bella unguarded. It would take mere seconds for me to come to her aid, if they occasion arose. It didn't.

I waited patiently, straining my senses to catch the activities of the house. Bella's panic eased into relief, then a surge of happiness. Downstairs I could hear the muffled shouting of Charlie and Billy, but Bella and Jacob had seemingly decided to stay upstairs. The minutes ticked by, and I found the rest of my unoccupied mind straying to my previous musings. I really couldn't stay here forever; Alice was bound to have a vision of me sooner or later. She was so attuned to me that it was almost like a permanent station for her ability. My thoughts trailed on for a good while along this path, until I eventually heard Bella calling my name.

I sprinted through the trees then leapt up to her window. I wanted to gag, and I would have, although nothing would have come up. I covered my mouth and nose with my hand, glaring around the room, half expecting Jacob to still be standing in the corner. Bella came near me, but I gently pushed her back.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. We were in here the whole time, is it really that bad?" I nodded, not having enough air to breathe, and shot a furtive glance out the window. Bella looked at me, conflicting emotions flashing across her face. "It's okay if you have to leave for now," she said quietly.

I stared at her, gauging her emotions. She really didn't want me to leave, but with my hesitance I could feel her resolve growing. She began shoving me towards the window, and I let her move me, although I didn't feel a thing. "Look, I'll be okay. One night, big deal." She was trying to convince herself, and I smiled in spite of myself.

I leaned out of the window slightly, taking in a breath of rain-dampened air; it was much better than the smell of her room at the moment. "Sorry about the water," I told her, noticing the little trail I had made with my dripping clothes. "I'll be close." Then I jumped out the window again. Instead of returning to the place I was before, I decided to venture out a little more. I was running along, my body moving automatically, when I found myself at our old house. It was still magnificent, despite the wild weeds that were growing out of control and crawling up the steps to the porch. Alice had always been so particular about appearances; she would have hated to see the house in such a state.

I quickly began pulling out the weeds, tossing them into the surrounding forest. It took no more than a few minutes. I walked cautiously towards the house. The door was unlocked, as I had left it this morning, and how Edward had left it all those months ago. I stole into the living room, now devoid of most of our earthly possessions. The dining table was still there; it was large and would have been more of a nuisance to move than if we bought a new one. I walked up the stairs for the second time today, taking in the strangeness of the blank walls. It was so empty. And so was the room Alice and I shared, except for a dresser, and some of Alice's garments still hanging in the closet.

I walked over to the clothes, each step causing a little ache. I missed her terribly. I ran my hand over one of the sheer fabrics, lifting it up to inhale. Alice's scent still saturated the clothing, and I clenched my jaw against the sudden pain I felt in the place where my heart used to beat. I really had no reason not to just go back and see them all again. But then Edward's face flashed into my mind, and I came up gasping for air. I hadn't felt such a level of despair coming from him since he had to leave Bella the first time, when James was tracking her. With it came the flood of guilt that I had been holding back. I still cringed to think of my lack of self-control and I sunk to the ground, depressed. If I'd been looking for a reason to avoid my family, well, this was it. There was absolutely no way I could go back to them until I had redeemed myself. If ever I could.

**

I jogged back to Bella's house slowly as the sky began to lighten. I broke into a run when I heard her screaming. Bella was still asleep, another nightmare no doubt, and I silently kicked myself. How could I have neglected her in one of her most vulnerable times? I knelt down next to her, laying my cool hand on her face, trying to soothe her. It wasn't working. Bella was still thrashing around the blankets in agony, screaming, and tears were running down her face. Quick footsteps alerted me to Charlie's imminent arrival, and I dove under the bed just in time.

He was shaking Bella by the shoulders, trying to wake her. "Bella, honey, wake up. It's just a dream. Bella?" He was worried, always worried. I focused once again, trying to send out calming waves, and it seemed to work a little. "Bella? Sweetheart, I'm right here, it's okay." Bella's screaming stopped, and I guess she woke up a bit.

"Dad?" she asked, her voice thick with sleep and emotion.

I could see the pained smile on Charlie's face in my mind. "Hey Bells. You scared me. I haven't heard you screaming like that for a couple of weeks now."

"Sorry," Bella mumbled. "Did I wake you?"

I heard Charlie shift, probably standing up again. "No. Actually, I'm going fishing with Billy and Harry today. I'm actually running a bit late. Will you be okay?"

"Yes," Bella said, her tone collected and calm now, probably from years of practice. "You go have fun. Be careful."

"I'll see you later," Charlie called, already heading out of the room.

Bella waited until she heard the front door close and the cruiser rumble to life before she called out my name. I was in front of her in less than a second, but it didn't startle her. Tears were steadily streaming down her face, and she was curled up with her knees against her chest, trying to keep herself together. "Bella?" I asked, concerned.

She tried to say something back, but only managed to cut off her sob halfway through by burying her face in her hands. Her body was shaking violently, and her pain was excruciating. "Bella, I'm here. It's okay."

She was shaking her head back and forth, her face still in her hands. "He's gone," she kept muttering to herself, and I wasn't sure if she knew she was talking out loud. I reached out and pried apart her hands, forcing her to look up at me. Her eyes were red and she had dark circles under them.

Bella was weak in my grip and I found her collapsing, tears still pouring out of her eyes and her body quaking so violently she seemed in danger of hurting herself. I moved to sit on her bed and pulled her against me. She fell willingly into my arms, pressing herself against me tightly, one hand going to clutch at her heart. Edward, I thought. I was shocked again to see just how much his leaving had affected her. I rocked Bella back and forth, warring with my thirst for her blood and the need to calm her down, bring her back from the brink. The latter impulse was winning out, and Bella eventually calmed after much rocking and soothing on my part. I thought she had fallen asleep again and moved to lay her down on her bed, but she surprised me by suddenly grabbing my shirt, unwilling to let go. "Don't," she pleaded.

Still, she was weak and beginning to shiver against my cool temperature. I laid her gently down, pulling the covers over her, then lay down next to her. Maybe putting my arm over her was a wrong move, because she suddenly turned around to face me, her head burying in my shirt and new sobs breaking forth. I cradled her in my arms again, slipping one arm beneath her to hold Bella more securely to me as she tried to calm herself down. After a while her grip on me relaxed, and she shifted backwards to breathe better.

"Edward used to hold me like that," she whispered, her voice hitching and some more tears sliding down her cheeks. I waited for her to continue, but she didn't.

"I should have stayed," I told her, guilt coloring my tone. I didn't want to force her to talk about it, but I was aching to know. "Was your nightmare bad?"

Bella was silent for a long while. She turned over in my arms to stare at her door. "It was about him," she told me. I nodded against her, holding her a little more closely as I felt another wave of pain. She was silent for another stretch before she spoke again. "It was just like reliving that day all over again. He just kept repeating the words over and over. 'You're not good for me, Bella. I don't want you.'" Bella struggled with her breathing for a few minutes, and I knew she was crying again. "I've always known I wasn't good enough for him," she told me thickly. "But to hear him say it…It's just…I can't…" Bella buried her face in my arm, and I could feel a fresh flow of tears soaking through my shirt.

So that's what Edward had said to her. Surprisingly I was angry, not just at Edward but at Bella as well. "You know that's not true," I murmured, trying my best to keep my voice soothing and not irate.

But Bella shook her head, sending another fresh wave of her scent over towards me and I had to focus on the fact that I knew her, that she wasn't food. I had never been this close to her before, and for so long, it was torture. I clenched my teeth, forcing myself to breathe in her scent. It was delicious, and I felt my mouth fill with venom. Surprisingly, the thirst wasn't so bad now, and I wondered what had caused the difference.

"If that was true," Bella said, her voice breaking my trance, "then he wouldn't have left me." I froze, and Bella noticed the difference. "Jasper?" she asked, craning her head to look at me.

I avoided looking down at her. "He left because of me," I whispered, agonized.

"Stop it!" Bella cried shrilly, and in my shock I looked down at her. She was angry, heat creeping up her cheeks, though her eyes were still watery. She was so close, I could feel her pulse under my hands, the warm blood flowing. Stop it! I repeated in my head. I forced myself to focus on her chocolate eyes again. "Jasper, I swear that if you don't stop this nonsense about it being your fault, then I will-I'll…I'll hit you!" she threatened, and I chuckled.

"That wouldn't hurt at all," I told her, though we both already knew that.

"I don't care," Bella told me, still fuming and not appreciating my humor. "I'm serious, Jasper. "It wasn't your fault that I'm so clumsy. I can't even open a letter without getting hurt," she huffed, annoyed.

"It's not your fault," I pointed out. "I should have better control by now." Here Bella struggled out of my grasp, then got up to glare down at me. She headed for the door, and I could tell she was still irked. Perplexed I called out, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to go take a shower while you sit there and learn to be reasonable," she shot back, not bothering to turn around. "I'm tired of everyone telling me it's not my fault, because you know what? Sometimes it IS." She slammed the door behind her.

I stared after her, confused. Where on earth had that come from? I sat there and racked my brain. Well, maybe my family and her own father and friends, had told her continually that none of the little mishaps were her fault, not the James incident, not all the little moments of klutziness, and more poignantly not Edward leaving her. I guess it did get a bit old after a while. If you couldn't blame others, and were told not to blame yourself, then you really had no scapegoat. Bella, in all her low self-confidence, always blamed herself. She could never blame anyone else, so perhaps being told not to blame the person she was blaming (herself) rubbed her the wrong way.

I closed my eyes and flopped back down onto her pillows in the most ungraceful fashion. Ugh, they still smelled of dog. I quickly stripped the bed of its linen, then gathered up Bella's clothes and threw my own into the pile for good measure. I quickly redressed with one of my new outfits and brought the pile to the laundry room. I threw them in the washer and grabbed another set of bed sheets and pillowcases to redress Bella's bed. This I did slowly, trying to kill time, then walked to her closet and pulled out another comforter. I was lounging in Bella's rocking chair by the time she creaked open the door, wrapped in a towel.

"I forgot my clothes," she muttered, flushing red.

I practically ran out of the room, the scent of her blood torturing me once more, and waited until she opened the door again to let me back in.

"You changed the bed," she observed as she sat down on the side.

"You're clothes are also being washed," I informed her.

"Oh, thanks," Bella muttered, embarrassed. Bella was biting her lip and staring at me, unsure. "Jasper, can I ask you something?" I didn't move from my position in the doorway, but nodded my head to affirm her question. "Well, I was just wondering why have you been so open? It's just that…before…" Bella seemed to struggle there, but I understood. "Well, you were always so distant, besides the time in Phoenix. It's just that afterwards, you always seemed so, I don't know, averse to me."

I sighed slightly. "Edward had asked me to keep my distance," I told her. She frowned. "It's not that he didn't trust me," I assured her. Not that he had much reason to, I thought with a grimace. "It's just that being around you so much, well it's always so tempting. And we all know how good my self-control is," I told her, giving a rue smile. "I didn't mean to offend you in any way, Bella. It was easier on me to not be so near you anyway, and I probably would have done so, even if Edward hadn't asked me."

"Wasn't it hard in Arizona too, though?" Bella persisted.

"Not as much as you would think," I responded. "When I'm focused on something, like trying to calm you down, then bloodlust is sort of forced to the back of my mind."

"Mind over matter," Bella said quietly, playing with a loose string on her blanket. She looked up a bit shyly. "Thank you, Jasper. For, well putting up with me. For looking out for me too. For being near me. It really means a lot." Her voice broke on the last word.

"Well, you do seem to need a lot of looking after," I told her. "Bella, I've been wondering something for a while. Why is it that you persisted in talking to those men in Port Angeles?"

Bella flushed now. "You're going to think I'm crazy," she muttered.

"I'm sure it's no more insane than telling someone you converse regularly with a vampire," I told her.

Bella was worrying her bottom lip as she decided how to answer. "When I got closer to them," she told me, her mind going back to the incident. "I suppose you could say the closer to danger I got, well, I hear him. I heard Edward's voice." Bella shook her head, as if the idea was ridiculous to herself as well.

"You heard his voice?" I asked, curious.

"Yes. He was warning me," she laughed slightly. "Telling me not to go any closer to those men." Bella's whole demeanor changed as she recalled the event. "It was intoxicating," she breathed, more to herself than me. It was then that I realized just how addicted to Edward, hell, to all vampires she must be. To put herself in blatant danger just to hear an imaginary voice was definitely not healthy. "He took away everything," she told me suddenly.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"My birthday present, my photos of him, everything I had." Bella was warring with her emotions now, trying to keep them in check, and she unconsciously pressed her hand against her heart, a signal I had long since recognized as being close to drowning in the pain.

It seemed that no matter what we talked about, it all somehow ended up in the same place: Bella's birthday. It had been a momentous day for more than one reason, and again I felt the guilt slam into me.

"It hurts so much, Jasper," Bella whispered, her eyes glistening. "I miss them so much. I miss Edward." Even with my enhanced hearing I could just barely make out her words.

"They miss you too," I told her. "Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Alice. Even Rosalie misses you. Edward misses you," I told her softly. "I missed you."

Tears were streaming down Bella's face once again, and I was somewhat shocked that one human could cry so much. Bella looked up at me, helpless, and I knew that my heart would have ached for her. She bit her lip, holding her arms out slightly. I crossed the room to her bed and engulfed her in a hug. She cried again until she fell asleep.

**

After the Nightmare Incident, as I liked to call it, Bella and I fell into an easy intimacy. Bella seemed to always be pushing closer, as if testing my limits. She tried to get as close to me as she could, for as long as she could, until I would have to excuse myself from the house and take a nice refreshing jog to clear my mind. The next time I went hunting, Bella visited Jacob, but had the graciousness to shower before I returned. She always seemed to happy with him, as if her world brightened a little each time she saw Jacob.

Some days we would spend lounging on her couch downstairs, waiting out the hours until Charlie got home watching the cooking channel, or one of Bella's old movies. She religiously stayed away from anything romantic, and I secretly thanked her for that; neither of us was well fit to deal with our feelings on our loves. One day Bella got it into her head to try and teach me to cook.

It was a fairly simple dish, teriyaki steak. Bella hovered over me, much as Esme would have, the entire time, and was slightly put out that the dish turned out to be fantastic. "Stupid, perfect vampire," she muttered, trying a little bite of meat. I watched in morbid fascination, still able to see the pink, and was as much disgusted, as I was fascinated. Bella noticed my stare and asked haughtily, "What?"

"I just can't imagine eating something so revolting," I told her mildly.

Bella's eyebrows arched up. "You know, you probably ate this once too, Jasper. No matter how many years ago, you were a human once also."

I shrugged at her, giving my best Jake impersonation. "Sure, sure." Bella slapped my arm playfully and went to set up the plates. I could hear Charlie's cruiser in the distance and I excused myself to go upstairs to wait until Bella came up. Her room was some sort of sweet, safe haven for the both of us. Even when she did nothing more than struggle with her homework or type up a reply to her mother's latest email, it was a place where we could sit in the comfortable silence of each other's company and forget the pain of reality for a few hours.

I lay on her bed while I waited, arms tucked behind my head, staring up at the ceiling and trying to trace patterns from the stucco. Like a gentleman, I jumped up when Bella entered the room and offered the bed for her to rest on. Bella sat cross-legged near the head of the bed and motioned for me to join her. I mirrored her position at the foot of the bed. I knew what this behavior entailed, and it was perhaps one of the least delightful moments of the day for me.

"How old were you when you were changed?" Bella asked me.

"I was twenty."

"What year was it?"

"1863."

Bella was quiet for a while, pondering my answer. "Jasper, were you in the Civil War?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied, and realization seemed to dawn on her.

"But those scars, they're from vampires," she stated, tracing her own scar with her index finger.

"Yes," I replied again. I didn't mean to be so taciturn, but I wasn't what you would call eager to talk about my past.

"How did you and Alice meet?" she asked me.

I was taken by surprise at this, but answered her anyway. "Alice saw the two of us meeting in a diner one day. When that day came, I walked into the diner and there she was, sitting on one of the stools, her body facing the door. She skipped up to me, as if she'd known me her whole life, and said, 'You've kept me waiting a long time.'" Bella smiled as she imagined the scene; no doubt it she must understand exactly how I had felt that day. Alice had simply skipped into Bella's own life, as if they were already best friends, and taken her by surprise as well.

Bella closed her eyes for a while and leaned back against her headboard. I watched her, taking in her features once more. They were tranquil for the most part. The shadows under her eyes were not nearly as pronounced as they had once been, and she was now back at a healthy weight. Her skin was still incredibly pale, nearly translucent. Bella's hair was long now, just several inches shy of her waist, a nice warm brown with strands of red. One lock of hair was dangling in her face, and on impulse I reached over and brushed it back. Bella smiled at me, her eyes still closed, just taking in the peace. I was slightly shocked by the naturalness of the motion; Alice's hair was too short and perfectly groomed to fall out of place like that, and God forbid I should ever commit such an act with Rosalie or Esme.

I suppose that was the real difference between Bella and the rest of us. We were all so perfect, as she put it. Frozen into the most picturesque form. Bella was free, always changing, always surprising. Unrefined and wild, untamable, much like her hair. I felt a surprising rush of tenderness for the girl before me, and I suppose Bella felt it, because she reached out and took my hand, holding it between her own two. She squeezed my hand gently, her fingers absently tracing along my scars, and I fought the urge to wince. I knew Alice didn't really mind my scars, but I always wondered what Bella thought.

"Don't they bother you?" I asked quickly.

Bella opened her eyes to gaze at me. "Do what bother me?"

"My scars." It was so low it was almost a whisper. Bella frowned, then looked down at our hands. I could see the stark difference between the two; hers were soft and warm, free from blemishes except for her single crescent shaped scar, while mine were so numerous it looked as though I was wearing some terribly out of fashion shirt.

"No," Bella told me quietly. "I think they are a part of who you are. I mean, I don't know how you got them, but no matter what you think, they aren't ugly or revolting in the least." Bella looked up at me shyly. "I think you're beautiful."

My eyes tightened a little. I broke from Bella's grip to unbutton my shirt, revealing the extent of my scarring. "Beautiful, Bella? I look like Frankenstein's monster."

Bella's shock was so fleeting I was almost sure I had imagined it. She reached out a hand slowly, reaching to trace a scar along my clavicle. "So many," she murmured. Bella looked up at my face until I met her eyes. "Jasper, you are beautiful both inside and out. Really." She held my gaze until I had to look away, my own emotions too conflicting for me to decipher.

"Why?" I asked her. "Why do you idolize us so much?"

Bella scoffed. "I don't idolize you." I gave her a mocking look and she grinned sheepishly. "Well, maybe a little. But you're just amazing. I mean, you look like a model, you're great at everything you do, you're intelligent; I could go on for days about all the ways I am fascinated by vampires."

"We are killers, Bella," I reminded her.

Bella's jaw squared, and I could tell she was getting into her stubborn mode. "The past is the past. What matters is what you are doing now," she told me primly, crossing her arms across her chest.

I sighed. I could tell that this was quickly going to become one of our deadlock arguments, and Bella wouldn't relent. It was easy for her to see us and say such things; after all, she'd only met us once we'd become vegetarians, and civilized. I was sure that if she knew anyone, myself especially, before we had joined the Cullens that she wouldn't be so forgiving. She couldn't fathom ripping into the soft flesh of a human being, gulping down the blood as it pulsed sweetly into your mouth. But I could. The memories were seared into my memory forever.

**

Time seemed to pass too quickly whenever I was with Bella. Today was a downpour, really, and bitingly cold for humans. Bella nearly froze to death despite her two layers of clothes and large jacket. After seeing Bella off to school I decided to spend time in the forest nearby. One of the very best and worst aspects to being a vampire was this: you had unlimited amounts of time on your hands. And if you didn't have a mate, well, time was rather dull. I decided to try and hunt, something fairly close, probably a deer or bird, just to state my thirst that had been creeping back up.

My animal instincts took over, and I was soon lost in the monster that roared within me. I must have traveled far, because when I finally came back enough, it was snowing. I glanced at the watch I wore on my wrist and realized I had better hurry back; Bella would be getting out of school in half an hour. As I neared the town again, I noticed that the rain had stopped, but the weather had turned so bitter that the roads were slick with ice. I crept back into Bella's truck just in time, the bell ringing about three seconds later.

All the students of Forks filed out, even the most graceful losing their footing every now and then. I should have realized that as an omen right there; if Angela Weber, usually so graceful and stable could slip on some unseen bit of ice on the ground, Bella was more than one hundred percent sure to do the same. Still, nothing seemed wrong as I watched Bella make her way towards her truck. Then Mike Newton ran up to her, sliding a little as he came to a halt by her side, some ten feet away from me.

"Bella!"

"Hello Mike," she said, sighing a bit. I couldn't understand how she could tolerate the boy. I shook the hair out of my eyes to refocus on Bella.

Mike shifted his backpack on his shoulder then grinned at her goofily. "So I was wondering if you'd be my Valentine tomorrow."

"I-sorry, what?" Bella asked, obviously too stunned to reply coherently. You'd think after the sheer amount of rejections Mike had received from Bella that he'd quit.

Mike's grin just got wider and he shifted his weight to his other foot. "Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Will you be my Valentine?"

Bella stared at him, her mouth gaping. Even I could tell by the way her brow was slightly furrowed that Bella was trying to think of a way out of this one. "Oh, Mike. Thank you, but I uh, already have one," Bella finished lamely.

I could see Mike's shoulders droop, and feel his spirits plummet. His grin was wiped off his face, and he frowned a little. Bella started backing up towards her truck, still facing Mike with something akin to an apologetic smile on her face. Again, this should have alarmed me, but I simply reclined in the truck, watching them from just outside the window. It happened so suddenly, that if I weren't a vampire I wouldn't have caught it.

Bella stepped back onto a thick sheet of ice, and started to fall backwards. Mike, realizing what was happening, grabbed her around the waist, protecting her small frame from harm. I don't recall getting out of the car, probably in some vain attempt to catch Bella myself. Then the most delicious scent overwhelmed me, and I fell rigid, fighting with my instincts.

Mike's outstretched arm, which had absorbed most of the shock from the fall, had been scraped across the ice, tearing it open and letting a nice pool of blood gather on the clear surface. Bella looked up into my face, her eyes wide, as she mouthed the words "Jasper, no." She struggled free from Mike's grip as the poor boy moaned from his place on the ground. Bella scrambled up to me, and I watched in fascination as the blood dripped onto the ice, my bloodlust growing exponentially every moment.

Bella slammed into me, catching my interest for a moment. Her heart was beating wildly, and she was trying to push me back into her truck. Her efforts were entirely wasted on me, and I took a step closer to Mike. Bella's warm hands flew to my face, and she tugged at me until I looked down into her eyes again. Her heart skipped a beat as she stared into my eyes, and I was sure she could feel the frenzy brewing behind them. "Jasper, don't. Let's go. Please. Jasper!"

It's futile, I wanted to tell her. The monster was roaring loudly inside me, aching for just one drop of the boy's sweet blood. I could feel the heat from Bella's hand, her fear spiking through me, then suddenly something else. Surprised, I looked down to see Bella's lips against my own, her breath filling up my other senses, and I was momentarily dazed. This seemed to be just what she had hoped for, and she took my momentary weakness to push me with all her might through the open door of her truck. I fell back in, and pulled up my legs quickly as Bella slammed the door shut. She ran to the other side, roaring the engine to life, and was speeding out of the lot.

But my own mind was racing, swimming, spinning. As the scent of Mike's blood became weaker and weaker, my senses focused on a new one, much more sweet and tempting this time, and I could feel the bloodlust clawing back up my throat. Bella turned towards me, her hair flying around her face, and blowing air at me. I looked at her with hungry eyes and fixed onto her scent, the sweet pounding of her blood, suddenly craving it more than anything in the world.

A/N: Ah, Jasper, what have you gotten yourself into?! Well, thanks for waiting guys. I've been having some writers block, but cleared it up by writing a chapter starring Jake's POV, which you'll see in due time.

I want to thank all of my wonderful reviewers and those of you [79 wow!] who have this story on alert! It really means a lot to know what you guys are interested in this story, so thanks! So let me know what you think by clicking tha tlittle button down there! Thanks!