Chapter Five:
I walked into school, less enthusiastic than I had been just minutes ago. It was always like this, whenever I had to go to school, without the company of Jasper, time just seemed to drag on and on. Jessica had been adamantly ignoring me since the day of the incident, after blowing up at me the first couple of days, and now my only friends seemed to be Angela, Ben and of course, Mike. It didn't occur to me that there was a lot more excitement in the air today, a lot more blushing and awkward conversations. Mike chatted me up more enthusiastically, but that was only natural.
Lunch came as a sweet reprieve; it meant that the day was more than half over, and I could go home and relax with Jasper. Maybe I'd even visit Jacob. Jasper had hunted recently, but he'd probably be fine without me for a few more hours.
"Bella?" Mike was talking to me, and I focused my attention on him, giving him an apology and asking him to repeat what he said. "I just asked what are you doing tomorrow?"
I frowned, a bit exasperated. "I'm coming to school. Why?"
Mike's reply was cut off by the sound of the bell, and I hurriedly gulped down the rest of my lemonade. I made my way to my next class with Angela and endured the next hour with waning patience. By the time the last class of the day rolled around, I was about ready to run out of this place. I spent the majority of the time staring out the window. It had stopped raining, but the temperature had been dropping all day, and I could feel the nip even swathed in as many layers as I was. I could see the shiny spots of ice spotting the ground and I inwardly cringed. Just getting to my truck unscathed would be a miracle in itself at this rate.
My mind began to wander as the teacher droned on in another lecture about politics. I spent most of the lecture pondering what I'd do when I graduated. Now that Edward (would it ever get easier to even think his name?) had left, I guess I would go to college. But the sheer amount of days that lay ahead of me, decades more of life seemed entirely too many, and I felt a well of desperation open up. Life without Edward wasn't much of a life at all. My thoughts inevitably turned towards Jasper and I had to remember to beat down that hope as well. It was entirely too much to think that Jasper would stay with me for too much longer, which is why I had been trying so hard to get closer to him recently. I knew Jasper had limits, but I couldn't help but try and sit closer to him and just touch him. This had never been much of a problem with Edward or Alice, even less so with Carlisle, though I doubt I'd ever hugged him more than once. It was only Jasper that posed the problem. I knew I was pushing my luck whenever I sat too close, but my number was theoretically up the day I met Edward anyway, so why bother trying to be careful now?
The bell rang suddenly, startling me into knocking my books to the floor. Angela tried to help me collect them, but I shooed her on, knowing that she almost always rode with Ben after school, and not wanting to keep her held up any longer. It took a few minutes, and I accidentally gave myself a paper cut on one of my loose sheets of paper. I searched through my bag, took out my little bottle of hand sanitizer and a band-aid and cleaned myself up. I really had to be more careful.
By the time I got outside, the parking lot had cleared out considerably. I was only a few feet from my truck when I heard someone yell my name. "Hello Mike," I greeted, sighing. All I really wanted was to get into my truck and go home. And more importantly, spend some time with Jasper.
"So I was wondering if you'd be my Valentine tomorrow." I gaped at the boy in front of me. Valentine? What was he talking about?
"I-sorry, what?" I managed to stutter. Of course I'd heard him clearly, but he reiterated for my benefit.
"Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Will you be my Valentine?" He had to be kidding. After all the times I turned him down; he really must have gone crazy to think that I would say yes. Had I done anything to encourage him? I filtered through the last couple of days, trying to decide, but no. I couldn't think of any instance in which I had been overly friendly.
Mike was still staring at me, a goofy grin on his face, and I knew I had to think quickly. I had to think of some way to turn him down. I opted for the only explanation I could think of, never mind that it was an absolute lie. "Oh, Mike. Thank you, but I uh, already have one," I told him, feeling myself flush with my lie. Hopefully he'd think I was just embarrassed or happy, or anything really.
Mike frowned at me. I knew he was on the verge of asking me who my Valentine was, and I couldn't let that happen. I really should have been paying better attention or at least been more cautious, especially with my abysmal grace. I stepped back, and my foot landed on a slick surface, sliding beneath me and I felt myself falling backwards. Mike reached out to grab me, warm and strong, and I was completely unharmed as Mike absorbed the brunt of the fall.
When I finally opened my eyes, Jasper was standing stock still, his eyes wide and his body tensed into a somewhat crouching position. Fear coursed through me as I realized that Mike was bleeding onto the pavement, his arm scraped from the rough surface of the ice. I watched as Jasper inhaled deeply, and when he opened his eyes once more they weren't the calm, careful eyes I'd grown used to. Jasper stared down at us, and I thought it was a miracle he hadn't moved yet. "Jasper, no!" I tried to yell out, but I still hadn't gotten my air back.
He didn't acknowledge me at all, and if I was going to save all of our lives, I knew I had to distract him. I struggled free of Mike, telling him a quick sorry, and threw myself at Jasper. He never lifted his gaze from Mike's bleeding arm, and he took a step closer. I grabbed his face in my hands, and tried to force him to look down at me. When he finally did, his eyes were completely devoid of any remnant of the man I'd grown so close to. "Jasper, don't. Let's go. Please. Jasper!" I was scared, my heart working double time. Jasper just stood there, completely still, and I knew I had to do something to distract him long enough to get him out of here. It was instinct really, intuition, when I pressed my lips against Jasper's.
I breathed against his mouth, hopefully distracting him from the scent of Mike's blood, and it seemed to work. Jasper looked down at me and I felt his body go slack. I didn't waste any time in pushing Jasper backwards, through the open door of my truck. Jasper seemed to come to a little bit, and I slammed the door shut, before running over to the driver's side and starting the engine. I drove at least a mile away before I turned towards Jasper. He was staring at me with hungry eyes, not quite himself. He reminded me very much of the night of my birthday, and I could feel dread well up in me. This time around I didn't have Edward or Emmett or anyone to save me should Jasper lapse in his control. "Jasper?" my voice cracked with the intensity of my fear. At last I was beginning to appreciate just how lethal these vampires were.
Jasper's knuckles were white he was gripping his jeans so hard. "Pull over," he instructed me through clenched teeth. I could see he had stopped breathing.
"We're only two miles from school," I told him, worried that he might go back and find Mike.
Jasper turned on me with a viscous look. "Bella, if you don't pull over right now, I can't guarantee that you'll make it back home," he growled, and I could practically feel the way he was warring with himself. "I won't go back, but I need to get away from you. Bella!" His voice was so pained that I did as he told me. The moment we stopped, Jasper fled from the car, disappearing without so much as a glance backwards.
"Jasper!" I called, knowing it was futile. All at once I wished for nothing more than to be a vampire myself. There was no way I could comfort Jasper as Alice might have, without making things worse with the temptation of my blood. A new fear seized me then, and I could feel myself drowning. Would Jasper leave me now, like Edward had so many months ago? The fear was greater this time, poignant to the point of driving me insane. Because I knew that this time, no one would come back for me.
**
I must have driven automatically, because I couldn't recall turning off the highway to make my way to La Push. It was as if my very being gravitated towards Jacob these days. I pulled into his driveway, cutting off the engine and waiting until he came out to greet me. He must have pulled me from the car and brought me inside, because the next thing I knew I was sitting on his couch, engulfed in his arms.
"Bella? What's wrong?" Jake asked me, wiping the tears from my face as they steadily slid down. I couldn't answer him, my throat was caught and it hurt even to breathe.
I didn't tell him what was wrong that day, and he didn't ask me again. Instead, he spent the entire visit trying to calm me down and get me to laugh. It worked. Being with Jacob was so easy. My heart was barely hurting by the time dinner rolled around. "Oh crap! I didn't call Charlie!" I exclaimed, rushing for the phone. I had just picked it up when it rang. "Hello?"
"Bella!" Charlie sounded so relieved that I felt guilty.
"Hi Dad. I'm so sorry; I completely forgot to call you. I'll come home now and make you dinner."
"Now Bells, I can manage making it myself. I did live alone for more than a decade," he told me. I thought he sounded just the tiniest bit pleased. "You just take it easy. Tell Jake and Billy I said hello."
"Okay, I'll see you later," I told him before the line went dead. I sighed and turned around. "I guess I ought to go home," I told Jacob. I didn't feel like going home at all. Not when I knew that I'd be going home to an empty room. My heart squeezed tightly and I struggled to catch my breath.
Jake was immediately by my side, taking my hand in his own. "Ten more minutes?" he asked. I gave him a tiny smile.
"Ten more minutes."
**
I returned the next day, but it was me who got the surprise. Jacob was waiting for me outside, a box of chocolate in one hand a rose in the other. "Happy Valentine's Day," he told me, grinning irresistibly.
I took the gifts, blushing. "Thanks, Jake," I mumbled. "You didn't have to."
He just smiled at me, and I felt a rush of tenderness for him. "So does that mean you'll be my Valentine this year?" he asked.
I just laughed, feeling my heart swell. "Of course," I told him, and he picked me up and twirled me around.
We walked around the beach, where Jake showed me the tidal pools and caught some of the tiny fish with his hands. I couldn't help but notice how tall he was now, probably a foot bigger than me, and he just seemed to keep growing. His hair was long and shiny, pulled back in a ponytail, and I wanted to run my hands through it. I could even see his muscles rippling under his shirt. "What is it?" Jacob asked, catching my stare.
"You're beautiful," I told him impulsively and immediately blushed a nice crimson.
Jake grinned at me. "So are you, Bella." Suddenly he frowned. "Let's go," he told me, grabbing my hand.
"Why? What's wrong?" Jake didn't seem to want to answer me, so I pressed on. "What is it Jake?"
He stopped and looked at me, then glanced over my shoulder. "It's Sam and his gang. I just really don't like them. And now Embry is hanging out with them to, and he won't talk to me. He's just totally different. And Sam keeps treating me differently. Like he knows something I don't, or like I'm going to join his stupid gang."
Jake sounded like he was going cry, and I felt my heart ache a little for him. "It's okay Jake. You don't have to join his gang. You can live with Charlie and me, although I don't think you'll fit on the couch anymore." Jacob just laughed, then scooped me up and hopped down the rest of the rocks, landing gracefully on the soft sand. If I had done that, I'd probably break my leg.
**
I spent the next week going to Jacob's house every day after school. By the fifth day, my panic was beginning to get out of control. It wasn't made any easier when Jake kissed me. Well, my forehead at least. I pulled back from him quickly and looked up at him. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, but I knew he wasn't sorry at all.
I sighed and struggled out of his hug. It was wrong of me to keep being with Jake like this if he thought that I might like him, and I had to set him straight. Easier said than done. "Jake," I began. I hesitated; if I told him I didn't like him that way, would he still want to hang out with me? I knew that if Jacob didn't spend time with me that the hole in my heart, now two holes, would rip open. They always started to tear the moment I was away from him anyway, and not seeing him at all would be the end of me. "Jake, you know that I can't-not after he-" This was too hard, but I had to let Jake know.
"Sure, sure," Jake interjected, and I could tell he was irritated. He stared at me very seriously then. "Bella, I just want you to know that I will always be here for you. I would never leave you, I promise."
"I know," I mumbled, felling all choked up. How many times would that promise be made and not kept?
I left quickly after that, using my neglect of Charlie as an excuse. Dinner was quiet and I deflected Charlie's questions for the most part. That night my nightmares were unrelenting. I was searching in the forest again, running after someone who was much too quick for me. First it was Edward, who then turned into Jasper, and finally Jacob. I woke up crying hours before the sun rose and couldn't fall back asleep. Instead of wasting time lying in bed, I went downstairs and got some ingredients out to make Charlie a real breakfast for once: Pancakes, scrambled eggs and bacon.
"That smells great, Bells," Charlie greeted me about an hour later. I piled a stack of pancakes on his plate, adding a healthy serving of eggs and several strips of bacon.
"I got up early," I told him. I grabbed a pancake for myself and settled down to eat with him. It was quiet for a while before Charlie cleared his throat to get my attention.
"Me and the guys are going fishing this weekend," he informed me. "I'll be gone for two days." I nodded at him, trying to look enthusiastic or interested. "Do you have any plans this weekend? Maybe you could visit Jake."
I blanched and dropped my fork. La Push was the one place I didn't want to go for a couple of days. "It's okay; I've got a lot of chores to do. Laundry and homework, you know." Charlie was opening him mouth to protest, so I made something up. "And I was thinking of going to the mall to buy some more clothes. I couldn't find anything really good last time."
"Who are you going with?" Charlie asked me. I knew he wanted to tack on, You could ask Jacob.
"Angela," I said quickly. Well, since Jessica wasn't talking to me, and I definitely was not going to ask Mike.
"All right, then," Charlie said, appeased for now.
For once I dreaded the end of the school day. Since I decided not to go to Jacob's house, and since Charlie would be leaving for two days tomorrow, I was faced with countless hours of alone time. The day was over before I realized it had really begun. By the time I remembered I was supposed to ask Angela to the mall, she was long gone.
That night I focused on making an extravagant dinner for Charlie. He seemed thoroughly pleased when he came home to the aroma of prime rib, mashed potatoes and peach cobbler baking in the oven.
Dinner was an easy affair, Charlie more interested in his fishing trip than my day, and I indulged him by listening to his stories. I took my time doing the dishes then got started on some laundry. Still, it was only eight thirty by the time I had finished loading the second batch of laundry and I sat down to try and distract myself with some television. There was nothing good on, but I kept my mind focused on some pointless storyline of a war movie. About twenty minutes into it there was a knock on our door. Charlie was already upstairs so I went ahead in answered it. Jacob stood there, his form nearly too big to fit into the frame of the doorway.
"Jake!" I was happy but displeased at the same time. It seemed all my efforts in avoiding him would be in vain. Ah well, at least he was better than Mike.
"Hey Bella," he greeted me as I stepped aside to let him in. "You didn't visit today, so I just wanted to check and make sure you were still in one piece," he joked but I could detect an undercurrent of hurt.
"Oh," I said feeling guilty. "I wanted to make Charlie a good dinner since I've been so neglectful lately. There's still some peach cobbler if you'd like some," I offered.
Jacob grinned. Of course he would. He sat down at the table while I piled the baked good on a plate. "Any plans this weekend?" he asked. Why did he have to ask?
"Yeah, I'm going to the mall with a friend," I said quickly. At his furrowed brow I continued, "Angela. Clothes shopping, you know." The lines creasing Jacob's forehead instantly smoothed and he dug into the cobbler happily.
I was grateful for the company, but it wasn't long before I began to feel sleepy. I suppose it was when I started nodding off on him that Jake decided it was time to go. I walked him to the door and mumbled sleepily, "'Night Jake." He gave me a hug goodbye and lingered a bit longer than usual, but I could have just been imagining it. I trudged up the stairs, cursing how many there were. Charlie was already snoring loudly in his room when I opened my bedroom door.
With a jolt I suddenly found myself wide-awake. Jasper was sitting on the window ledge, moonlight reflecting off his pale face and looking every bit a Greek god. My heart skipped several beats and I merely stared at him. "Jasper?" I whispered. Surely I must be hallucinating.
Jasper turned towards me, and I could feel self-loathing and shame rolling off him. "Bella." He couldn't meet my eyes, but I was too happy to care.
My throat seized up and tears sprang to my eyes. I wanted to run over to him and hug him, never let go. I wanted to scream my happiness, or perhaps just faint from the sheer exhilaration I was feeling at the moment. "You're back." My voice sounded pathetically happy and hopeful even to myself. But something was off. "Jasper?" I took a step towards him but he flinched. "Jasper!" My previous elation melted into desperation, and suddenly the tears that were threatening to fall weren't happy ones. "You-you're not going to leave me, are you?" Like Edward. It wasn't said by either of us, yet it hung in the air thickly.
The world was suddenly spinning, the edges darkening and I stumbled back onto my bed, trying to control my breathing. It wasn't fair. Things had been going so well and now they were crashing down on me, once again. All because of my clumsiness. I wanted to scream now in frustration, and I'm sure my own self-loathing was beginning to match Jasper's. All at once I could feel waves of calm trying to spread through me, but I fought it off. "No. Stop!" I sat up and stared at Jasper until he returned my gaze. I was not going to let this happen again. "We can work through this," I told him.
Jasper's laugh was bitter. "Bella I tried to kill you. I was going to drink your blood and not think twice about it. How could this possibly work out?"
He was right, of course. I was just a human, and he was some perfect entity. He was predator, I was prey. But he was Jasper! He wasn't some nomadic vampire like James who killed on a whim. "Because I know you can, Jasper. I trust you. I have always trusted you." Jasper shot me a pained look.
"Whenever I am with you, I never forget how much I want to drink your blood, Bella. It's intoxicating. What if one time, and once is all it would take, I just give in. There is no one who would be able to help you. To stop me."
I fought through the panic Jasper's words rose in me. "You will stop." What could I say? He was right, and yet wrong. Jasper wasn't a murderer. He was guarded, cautious, but gentle. And he cared.
Jasper was angry, frustrated even. "You don't get it!" he growled, turning on me and stalking closer. "I. Will. Kill. You." Jasper's face was only an inch from mine, and his words rang out clearly, resounding in my head. He was feral almost, like the first time I saw him after all those months. A jolt ran through my body, fear probably, and I forced myself not to back down.
I thought of Charlie and Renee. Angela and Mike. Jacob. People that loved me and would be devastated if I died. But those thoughts were clouded out by Jasper's visage. Of all the happiness that he'd brought back into my life after Edward left. I thought of how hurt Jasper was still, how tortured. And I was happy; staring into the face of a man that could potentially kill me, I was happy. "That's okay," I whispered, staring up into his amber eyes.
Jasper blinked. "What?"
I closed my eyes and sighed, thinking of all my memories from the past year. "That's okay."
"Have you gone insane?"
My eyes snapped open. "One thing you vampires don't seem to understand," I hissed, suddenly irritated, "is that one day, some way or another, I AM going to die. I could be 99 years old, or it could be tomorrow. But every second that ticks by brings me closer to death. I will die, whether by your hand or not." I softened then, trying to read Jasper's face, but was unable. "And if I got to choose my way to die, I think I'd prefer it be by you."
I was worried now that I had said too much, had been too impertinent. Yet he seemed to cave. His shoulders slumped and he sighed, drawing back from me a little, but sitting across from me on my bed. "I don't want to hurt you," he told me, resigned.
"Then don't leave."
His eyes bored holes in mine, but I'd had much practice with forcing myself to look back anyway. Suddenly Jasper leaned in close, and my heart rate kicked into high gear. A glimpse of his face told me he was determined, but for what? Fleetingly I thought he really was going to kill me and I froze in fear. But Jasper merely cupped my neck in one hand and rested his head on my shoulder on the other side, breathing deeply. Flashes a previous memory came back to me then, of a similar instance, but with a different vampire, in a different time and a different place. I closed my mind off to the floodgate of images rushing my brain and tried to focus on the present: Jasper, not Edward. It was Jasper who was breathing in my scent, trying to gain some resolve not to kill me, to desensitize himself to my blood, to get used to being close to me.
After a few moments the intimacy of the moment struck me. Here in the darkness everything seemed magnified: the silence, my heartbeat, the cool hand pressing against my neck gently, Jasper's face, his lips pressed against my throat in an almost kiss. A new feeling seemed to erupt from within me, and my traitorous heart began working over time again. I didn't want to disturb Jasper, but I needed a moment to clear my head of these not so innocent urges.
I could feel a blush rise up my neck and flood my face as I worried that perhaps Jasper would be able to detect my sudden change in feelings. He pulled back, eyes a bit unfocused and gave me a worried look. His eyes searched mine for a moment, but eventually Jasper's face relaxed into a calm smile. He brushed my hair back over my ear with the hand that had been resting along my neck and a ghost of a smile lit up his eyes. Looking at him I felt a sudden rush of love and caring for the man before me. Jasper smiled at me more widely then, and I could feel some of same sort of feeling being reflected back at me. I leaned my cheek into his hand. It was cold, but inside I felt warm. Jasper didn't tense or pull away, so I was encouraged to ask my question again.
"So you'll stay?" I didn't open my eyes for fear of his answer.
"I'll stay."
Those two syllables were the absolute sweetest I'd heard in as long as I could remember.
A/N: Hey guys, I am SO SORRY for the wait! I know I promised this like a week ago, but things have been really busy, and I'm afraid they will be really busy for the next coule of weeks. I've got AP exams next week and the week after, so don't expect an update until they are over. But I do want to thank all of my wonderful readers, reviewers, and people who have put this story on alert! I'm so glad it's had such a wonderful response!
I'm working on getting more dialouge in here, and also beginning the love relationship between Jasper and Bella. I'm really insecure about this, so please, I would appreciate ALL criticism, comments or support! Thanks you guys, and I'll plough through the exams so I can get the next chapter out!