Chapter Seven

There is a certain ache that never really goes away, no matter how much time has gone by. Perhaps you haven't thought about it for a while, and yet the moment you do, your heart gets heavy and it's hard to breathe. It's the ache that comes from longing for something so much but knowing you can never have it again. It's recalling the love and joy and remembering you don't have it any more. And then it's gone.

**

"Bella, your emotions are making me dizzy," Jasper commented, leaning against the wall and putting a hand to his head as though he had a headache.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, unable to look up from tracing circles on my covers.

Jasper sighed and came to sit down at the foot of my bed. "I think we need to talk," he told me, sounding just as excited at this prospect as I was.

"About what?" I replied, concentrating on making a perfect circle.

Jasper touched my hand with his own, stilling my movements and was quiet until I looked up at him. A thrill ran through me when I took in his visage, and I did my best to force it away. "About what happened."

I flushed at the memory. Having Jasper so close wasn't exactly helping my thoughts or heart rate either. "I feel guilty." For the briefest moment I thought I saw pain flash through Jasper's eyes, and his hand twitched on mine, as though he was about to move it away. "Because I enjoyed it," I amended hastily, immediately coloring a bright red.

Jasper slid his hand off mine anyway and he looked away. "Alice and Edward," he said softly, knowing where this was going.

I nodded my head jerkily, my heart clenching at the thought of them. "I still love Edward," I told him softly. "I always will."

"And I love Alice," Jasper added, matching the level of my voice, though Charlie had been asleep for the better part of an hour already.

"She is my best friend," I continued.

"Edward is my brother," Jasper added solemnly.

I sighed. "And that's why I feel so guilty. Because I really enjoyed," here I had to work up my courage to say it, "kissing you. So now I'm confused about that. But it was exciting, and half of me hopes it'll happen again. But then I feel apprehension, because if it does happen again, I don't want to hurt Edward and Alice." I paused, trying to discern Jasper's face to no avail. "And a little part of me still hopes that it will happen again. I'm sorry for throwing all these emotions at you."

"I know exactly how you feel," Jasper responded, then chuckled a little. "I meant to say, I feel the same way."

My heart leapt into my throat at the notion, and I tried to beat down the hope that was threatening to break free. "You feel guilty about it too?" I offered.

"And confused. Apprehensive. Hopeful."

My heart was racing now, but I had to put up one more defense, one last fear that was haunting me. "Didn't it feel wrong to you?"

Jasper blinked in surprise, sitting up and staring down at me. "Is that how it felt to you?" he asked me, his voice a bit clipped.

"No! It's just-I thought maybe-I mean-"

But I couldn't finish my sentence, not that I could have otherwise, as Jasper lowered his head to mine and inched forward slowly. I held absolutely still, frozen from shock, until his lips pressed against mine gently. My emotions broke loose then, but Jasper reacted before I could. He pulled back quickly, leaving the kiss tender and chaste before I could turn it into a passionate one.

I flopped down onto my bed, embarrassed, and covered my face with my hands. "Did that feel wrong to you?" Jasper asked, and it was timid, fearful even. Apparently he was just as confused and worried about this as I was. The revelation gave me courage, and I sat up to answer him.

"Not at all." Jasper smiled at me tentatively, and I couldn't help the smile that found its way to my own mouth. It faded just as quickly. "Jasper, what happened with Alice?" I asked before I lost the nerve forever. He tensed then, his eyes tightening, his body taking on an almost defensive stature. "It's just that I don't even know why you're here, and it doesn't really make sense to me. It's just…did something happen? I sort of figured it would be the only reason you would bother to come back…"

Jasper shifted, uncomfortable with the situation. I waited patiently while he deliberated, but had to prompt him again before he spoke. "Bella, that night of your birthday, I almost killed you. Alice had a vision of it, and even though it only lasted a moment, it tortured her and Edward. You were lucky enough that night to have Emmett and the others there to control me, but I wasn't able to calm down for hours afterwards. You don't know how it tortured me, Bella. And it never really went away.

"I wasn't myself for a while. I was so upset with myself that everything, everyone's emotions seemed magnified. Alice's and Edward's depression certainly didn't help me with that." Jasper paused to look at me for a moment. "You have to understand Bella, that our family loves each other very much. I know they didn't blame me and weren't angry with me on the surface, but I could feel it. With every forced smile or half-hearted attempt to include me in family activities. I know Alice loves me, but I could still detect her underlying feelings. The little flashes of accusation and exasperation." I opened my mouth to protest, but Jasper held up a hand. "Alice loves me, don't get me wrong. Her love overpowered everything else, but after a while, all the little things just added up. I couldn't stand it there any longer: Edward's abyss of desperation, Esme's fake smiles, Alice trying so hard, Carlisle so forgiving. It was suffocating.

"They usually went hunting together, while Edward and I stayed home. But one day Edward decided to leave the family. The moment he left the house I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders; I was able to breathe free air for a while. I don't really know why I did it, but the next thing I knew I was writing a note to Alice. I told her I love her, that I would miss her. But I asked her to leave me alone for a while, no tracking, no visions, nothing. And I left."

I contemplated Jasper's words for a while, trying to sort out all the details. "But why did you come here?" I persisted after a bit. "You could have gone anywhere."

Jasper sighed, looking away again. "I was only going to check on you. I wanted to make sure you were okay, to tell the others some good news when I returned."

"But I wasn't," I finished for him.

"Bella, I could feel your emotions a mile away. But they weren't oppressive like Edward's. Your sadness, your hurt…it was more like it was just laid out on a table, there for someone to notice, but not the centerpiece demanding attention. That night you had a nightmare, and I was frightened for your well-being. I went to calm you and it worked. You must imagine my shock, after a month or more of having my abilities on overload, unable to do anything but feel, I was able to soothe you, something I could no longer do in the Cullen house. It was…wonderful!

"I followed you for a few days after that, soaking up your emotions and trying to calm you, and it seemed to work. You didn't look any livelier, it seemed to be the opposite, but you were beginning to go about life again. You went to school, did your homework; occasionally you would talk to Charlie. Before I knew it, my 'just checking up for a couple of days' had turned into weeks, then months. In fact, I was thoroughly surprised when you told Charlie you had plans to go to Port Angeles with Jessica. I thought that you were getting better at last. Well enough, at least, for me to go hunting and leave you alone for more than an hour.

"I didn't know you were going to leave right after school or I wouldn't have hunted so far away. It wasn't a very successful hunt because I was distracted, and by the time I got back you still weren't home. I decided to check up on you in Port Angeles. And just in time it seems."

"Yeah," I replied, my mind replaying the scene as Jasper talked. Jasper had stayed for me, to make sure I was coping. I smiled a little at the notion, Jasper as my Guardian Angel. "Thank you," I said instead. "For staying, and well, everything."

"You're welcome," Jasper replied, quiet for a moment. Then, "Will you tell me about Edward? What happened when he left? I know we talked about it once, but I was curious as to the whole story."

I blanched, my mind automatically setting up a block to that particular day. I wanted to refuse Jasper, but it seemed only right to tell him, after he had indulged me. But first, "You said that he was depressed?" Jasper nodded. I frowned as I thought this over.

"What is it?"

"It doesn't make sense," I muttered, my mind trying to wrap around the new information and failing miserably. Sure Jasper had said that Edward was lying, but still…

Jasper looked at me inquisitively and I steeled myself to tell him the story. "We took a walk in the woods that day," I began, and my mind, despite my efforts, when on auto-replay. "Edward had been acting distant all week, and I was both afraid and angry. I had meant to talk to him, but he beat me to it. He told me he was leaving. At first I thought he meant us, as in I would go with him, but he told me differently."

I took a deep breath, trying to plow through the explanation as painlessly as possible. "He said that he didn't want me anymore. That I was no good for him." Despite my earlier conviction, tears were already pooling in my eyes, sliding down my cheeks in a fiery trail. "H-He told me, 'We won't bother you again' and I realized what he meant just before I asked him. Alice had already left she was with you. 'A clean break' were the words he used. He made me promise not to d-do anything stupid. And then he k-kissed my forehead and he was gone."

I wiped the tears away from my face, furious that I had begun crying, ashamed that I had admitted the words out loud. I felt as though my heart had been ripped open again, reliving the experience in full for the first time in so long. Then Jasper's cool hand came down to cup my face and wipe away the tears. Without a word he gathered me up in his arms and rocked my on back and forth until my hysteria subsided.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he murmured against my hair. "Edward didn't tell us…we never knew…" I nodded against his chest, trying to control the intensity of my emotions. Jasper drew me back a little to peer down into my face. After a moments deliberation the words came out. "Bella, you know he was lying, right? You know that Edward loves you more than anything."

I shook my head, unable to comprehend what exactly Jasper was implying. It was as if this knowledge didn't fit with what I believed; it was a piece of the wrong puzzle. Trying to force the two to agree simply did not work.

"You don't believe me?" I shook my head in response to Jasper's question. Sighing in frustration Jasper complained, "Humans just don't understand." Looking down at me again his face changed into an unreadable emotion. "But maybe someday you will," he said so softly I almost didn't catch it.

My eyelids suddenly felt very heavy, and I wanted nothing more than to just welcome the dark arms of sleep. "You're still not very subtle," I mumbled through the descending fog.

Jasper merely chuckled as he adjusted me on the bed and pulled up the covers. "Good night, Bella." With the little consciousness I had left I took note of how Jasper made to leave. Half asleep I grabbed his arm and tugged him down until he was settled next to me. I curled up to his side, still not immune to the calming effects of his powers in my semi-conscious state.

I sighed happily when Jasper put his arm around me, so very much the same and yet entirely different than how Edward used to. "This feels…" I fumbled around for the word, unable to think quickly in my state. "Right." I allowed myself one last smile before slipping into the confines of sleep.

**

It was surprisingly bright when I woke up, and despite being wrapped in my blankets I was oddly chilled. I fought to open my eyes for a few moments, willing the sleepiness away. "What time is it?" I managed to mumble out.

"Ten."

My eyes shot open as a few things crossed my mind. One I was late for school. Two the voice that had answered me was surprisingly nearby. And three, I had a difficult time sitting up seeing as Jasper's arm were still draped over my shoulder. "Jasper!" I cried, my heart rate doubling as adrenaline rushed through me and my face colored.

"Yes?" he replied, and I was both irked and flustered by his calm manner.

I opened my mouth to retort, but found myself unable to speak as his golden eyes enraptured mine. "You're dazzling me," I muttered breathlessly. Unfortunately I took that moment to glance at the mirror. "Ugh." My hair was tangled from sleep, and I'm sure I had morning breath. I struggled to get free to escape to the bathroom.

"You look fine," Jasper assured me as he pulled me back down.

"You need your eyes checked," I said to his shirt. "Why didn't you wake me up for school?" I asked, lifting my head to see him.

"I was enjoying this to much," Jasper replied, and I ducked my head in embarrassment. I made to get up again, but he held me more firmly in place. "Don't."

I shifted to look back up at Jasper, but his eyes were closed, his breathing even, almost as if he were asleep. Instead I cautiously draped my arm across his chest and snuggled more comfortably against him. Despite the coolness of his skin, I was perfectly comfortable. It was all at once novel and exciting, and yet felt perfectly natural, as if we had always lain like this. I'd never been one to believe the clichés of relationships. 'It seems all wrong, but it feels so right' was never one of the quotes I lived by, but it seemed to ring more true every moment.

I thought then of Edward and Alice, but surprisingly I pushed the thoughts away quickly enough. What mattered right now was Jasper. He was here; he was real. For now.

My stomach growled loudly in the silence of the room. Jasper's chuckle reverberated through me. "Do you want to get cleaned up while I make breakfast?"

I sighed, cursing my human needs and the impending loss of the situation I was reveling in. "Yeah." I forced myself to leave Jasper's embrace and stumble out of bed. In honesty I was glad to have a few minutes to freshen up. Fighting with my hair was never easy, but today seemed especially difficult. After several minutes I gave up and opted to wash my face and rinse my mouth out.

"What would you like to do today?" Jasper asked as I sat down at the table. He flipped the pancake onto a plate and set it beside me, taking a seat opposite me.

"Well, since I'm ditching school, we should do something stupid and reckless," I joked.

"Bella, I'm sure questions will be asked if I am the one that brings you to the Emergency Room," Jasper replied.

I stuck my tongue out at him as I drizzled some syrup over my stack of pancakes. "Thank you for breakfast," I said to fill the silence.

"Anytime."

"Well, there is one place I've been wanting to go," I confessed as I finished my last bite.

"Where?" Jasper prompted in response to my silence.

I bit my lip hesitantly as I went to wash my dish. "Well, Edward used to take me to this meadow. I'm not exactly sure how to get there." I chanced a look at Jasper, but his face was emotionless. Suddenly feeling the urge to explain myself I added, "Sometimes I still feel this is all a dream. I think I'd just like to go there and…I don't know. I just want to go."

Jasper shrugged his shoulders in a non-committal fashion. "If that's what you want to do."

I could tell Jasper wasn't thrilled to go on this adventure with me, but I was grateful for his acceptance of it all the same. I hurried to get dressed and gather what I might need. As an afterthought I grabbed my camera before heading back down the stairs. Jasper allowed me to drive at human speed, something altogether impossible for any of the other Cullens, and was silent the whole ride. At last I stopped at the end of the dirt road and got out. I stood staring at the trail for a few minutes, unsure.

"Bella?"

"I don't know where to go," I confessed. And now that I was here, I wasn't sure I wanted to look for the meadow either. It would probably end up backfiring on me, as all my plans seemed to.

Jasper placed his hand on the small of my back and urged me forward, offering me a smile. "We'll find it. I have eternity."

I looked up at Jasper and gave him a tight smile. The problem was I didn't.

**

We didn't find the meadow that day, or any of the other days the rest of the week. After another failed trip Friday afternoon I sat grumpily at the kitchen table, waiting for the spaghetti noodles to boil.

"What's wrong Bells?" Charlie asked from the doorway, hanging up his coat and gun belt.

"Hiking. I keep getting lost," I answered before I could stop myself.

Charlie's interest surprised me. "Hiking? Bella, don't you pay attention to the news?"

I turned around to face him. "What?"

Charlie frowned at me from the fridge. "There have been a lot of bear sightings lately, and some campers have disappeared. I don't want you hiking anywhere away from home until its all cleared up."

"Bears?" I asked surprised. Not that a bear would be able to harm me if Jasper was there.

"Yeah. The woods around here seem to be having a bear population problem. Had to go up with the team the other day and check out a scene," Charlie told me.

"Huh." I'd have to be more careful about when I went hiking then. The pot boiled over then and I hastened to take the lid off.

"You haven't seen Jake in a while, have you?" Charlie asked.

"No." I've been doing a fantastic job of avoiding him, I wanted to add.

"Maybe you should visit him this weekend. You stay here too much," Charlie suggested.

"Maybe," I repeated. Charlie seemed satisfied with that answer.

After dinner Charlie turned in early. It had been a long week for him and he wanted to catch up on his sleep. After doing the dishes I made my way back to my room and found Jasper lounging on my bed reading my history book.

"You know, Charlie complains about me staying in this house too much. If he knew about you, I'm sure he'd take that back," I told Jasper, going to sit down at the foot of my bed. Jasper offered me a smile. I took a moment to analyze him. "What's wrong?" He'd been moody the past few days, more withdrawn and silent than normal.

"Nothing."

I frowned at him. "Your eyes are dark. Maybe that's why you're so crabby," I suggested.

"Ha ha," Jasper responded, sarcasm thick. Then he sighed, closing the History book and running a hand through his hair in the same moment. "I do need to hunt," he admitted.

I nodded. "When will you go?"

"I could go tonight and be back in the morning."

The offer was tempting, but I knew I would be depriving Jasper of a good hunt if he were limited to those few hours. "Why don't you go tomorrow? I could visit Jacob and you could take your time."

Jasper's face brightened a little at the notion. "Tomorrow then."

Jasper returned to the book as I brushed my teeth and changed into my pajamas. He shifted over on the bed as I slipped in next to him; after Monday he didn't bother to sit on the chair across from the bed anymore, and I wasn't exactly complaining. Our level of intimacy had retreated somewhat nevertheless. Mostly I would lie close enough to Jasper for us to be touching; yet neither of us would actually move to hold the other. But sometimes I would wake up at odd hours and feed Jasper's cool hand running through my hair or brushing my face. Of course I would fall right back asleep, and when I would wake up he was exactly where he had been when I had first fallen asleep. Then I was never sure if it was real or had been a dream.

Tonight started off as though it would be the same. As I snuggled under the covers Jasper clicked off the light. But then he shifted on his side and I felt his arm drape over me. My heart palpitated and he said softly, "Bella?"

I turned around to face him, craning my neck to look up at his face. "Jasper?"

He stared down at me for a while, his expression brooding. His brows drew together as he tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. His expression was troubled, but he didn't need to say anything. I knew what he was thinking; I'd been thinking about if often enough myself. But it was so easy to forget about the outside world when I was with Jasper. All other ties seemed to be cut, and my being revolved around my time with the vampire that was playing with the ends of my hair.

I lifted my hand to rest on his cheek. "I know." I swallowed thickly as I tried to express my own feelings. "Right now you are my life, Jasper. Edward is…gone. And I know you love Alice. I love Alice. But right now, this very moment and for as long as I possibly can, I think I'd like to just stay like this. For now."

Jasper's hand came up to cover mine where it was still pressed against his cheek. He leaned into my touch, his eyes closing as he sighed into my hand. His features smoothed out as he accepted my words. "For now."

Jasper drew me closer but allowed my thick comforter to keep me warm. He rested peacefully once again, looking asleep for all intents and purposes. My last thought before my eyelids drooped shut and the darkness enveloped me was that 'for now' would never last long enough.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait! From now on Jasper and Bella's relationship is going to begin developing into a romantic one, so I hope all will enjoy the ride! But now that their relationship is in motion, the plot will begin to thicken and problems will arise. So let me know what feedback you guys have! Thank you all so much for reading this and even more love to those of you who leave a review!