A/N: Ah, chapter 15, and we're back in the Hollow, a sweet return! There is something about the Hollow. On the other hand, there's something about Philly, too, so check out Cedar Park, a collaboration between me and Kassandra27 on our joint account TheRealDodger. On that note, enjoy the gang in the SH!
Disclaimer: I, the author of this story, do not own any of the characthers associated with Gilmore Girls. That honor belongs to the wonderful Amy Sherman-Palladino. I have no intention of making any money on this (in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm losing money over it...).
15. The beginners guide to Stars Hollow
"Why are you like this, Jess? You are totally overreacting!"
Cammie had to raise her voice to get heard. Jess was still banging his head, cursing under his breath. They were on their way back to Stars Hollow, Rory driving, Jess in the passenger seat and Cammie, Matt and Chris in the back. Rory had immediately claimed driver-duty, when Jess had gotten a vicious look in his eyes. No matter how he tried, he couldn't dissuade Cammie, she had already made up her mind, and had happily skipped off to get her stuff from her nearby apartment. Luke had then suggested that him, Lorelai and Emily and Richard leave, so that Lorelai could get her coffee fix.
"This will not end well, and I only say this so I can say 'I told you so' later on, when you realize how extremely insane this is," Jess had told Rory as they waited for Cammie.
"You are being overdramatic, and what's the worst that could happen?"
"Your hometown could implode from all the insanity?" Jess suggested.
"You are four."
"Finally, someone who's with me!" Matt had exclaimed triumphantly, only to take cover behind Chris when Jess looked just about ready to attack him.
"Jess, I know you hear me, and I know you ignore me, so I'm just gonna keep talking 'til I wear you down, and you know I'm good at talking. I talked you down three years ago, I'm gonna do it again…" Cammie babbled, keeping her eyes locked on Jess' head.
"Wow, she means business," Chris commented.
"How so?" Rory wondered.
"She calls him Jess. She never does that, she always calls him Mariano, just to annoy him. When they met, he wanted people to call him Jess, but once she caught wind of his last name she began using it, and he got grumpy, and she actually called him Grumpy, and asked why she had to call him Jess."
"And he said, 'Fits the face', and then continued to pout," Matt continued before Rory had a chance to ask what Jess had answered.
"Well, it does," Jess said tiredly, and stopped banging.
"Houston, we have contact, fire the cannons and do a sillywalk, Jess is talking!" Cammie said, satisfied.
Jess sighed heavily, now resting his head against the dashboard. He then turned his face to Rory.
"I'm not talking to her," he said, nodding lightly towards the backseat.
"Don't be like that, JJ, you know you like me," Cammie protested.
Jess closed his eyes tightly, doing his best to ignore the power package in the back.
"JJ?" Rory asked.
"Drop it, or I might just have to off myself… again," Jess replied.
"You know you like me, you like my coffee, you want to shout at me, you want to blow your top…" Cammie continued in a sing song voice, sounding very much like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality.
Rory sniggered. She could almost hear Jess grinding his teeth.
"What do you think, man?" Chris asked Matt. "I say two."
"No way, a half."
"A half or two of what?"
"Two…" began Chris.
"A half!" Matt said simultaneously.
"We're betting how many verses of that song our boy Jess will take before he explodes. I say two, but he thinks a half."
"Fun, I'm in! I say five, you grossly underestimate his patience."
Three hours later, the group was still recovering from the intense explosion that had been Jess, when his patience ran out. Rory had been forced to pull the car over to minimize the possible damages. Now, the entire car was silent. Matt and Chris had a somewhat shellshocked expression on their faces, Cammie was pouting, because Jess had made a somewhat off-comment about her. Jess was sulking, still looking like he could kill someone. Rory wasn't sure whether to interrupt the silence or not, but it was getting annoying. They were close to Stars Hollow now, having passed Hartford just minutes earlier.
"Okay, so we're close to the Hollow. Everyone can just put away the faces and prepare," she said, trying to sound chipper.
No reaction, neither from the front or the back of the car.
"I bet Kirk's out, maybe he's even put on his tweaked Kirk-in-the-box performance again, despite the fact that he was voted down."
Jess was pouting, intent on not getting carried away. Rory sighed, deciding this was getting out of hand. She pulled over just outside Stars Hollow.
"Okey," she said, turning around so she could face them all. "Even if I combined your ages right now, you wouldn't come up to my age. You're acting like babies, so get over yourselves. Matt, Chris, you can stop looking stupid now, it will make you easy prey for Taylor. Cammie, how can you pout about this, when you've known Jess for this long? Hell, if I know he's got a temper, then you definitely should! And Jess… The sulk doesn't fit you anymore, and seriously, why would it be so wrong for them to come see the place you met me in? You've said it multiple times, it's not like it's your hometown. It's not the end of the world, and you know it. I want you all on your best behaviour, or my town will make sure I never forget it. Understood?"
For a moment, there was silence. Cammie was the first to venture a silent "Fine…", followed by Matt's and Chris' dejected "Okay…". Jess held out the longest. Rory actually had to give him the Gilmore treatment, also known as her baby blues, before he relented, and even apologized to Cammie.
"Right," Rory said, immensly satisfied. "So, we're about to enter Stars Hollow, or as my lovely fiancé refers to it: 'the Social Experiment the Government Forgot'."
"Is there anything we should know?" Matt asked.
"Jackson is crazy about produce, and if Sookie gets her hands on you, you will walk out several pounds heavier. Taylor loves the rules, I actually think he sleeps with the rule book on his bedside table," Rory told them rapidly.
"No, he doesn't," Jess interrupted.
"What?"
All four in the car turned to Jess, who just sniggered.
"How do you know… No, wait, I don't want to know how you know that…" Rory said, and grimaced.
"I can also tell you that the town trubadour likes to sleep in the gazebo when no one sees him, and that Gypsy was secretly dating both Bootsy and Andrew when I was still around."
"Okay, that I wanna know how you know."
"I have my ways…" he simply replied.
"Anything else?" Chris wondered.
"Yeah, turn right three times and you're back where you started."
By the time they actually got out of the car, Matt and Chris were looking around carefully, bordering on scared, expecting crazy townfolk to jump out of the woodworks. Cammie, on the other hand, was strolling around carefree, taking in the sight of the smalltown.
"So, Rory, is there something here we should see?" she asked happily.
"Well…" Rory began. "My mom's inn is absolutely beautiful, and of course you need to go to Luke's, and if I remember correctly it's curry night at Al's Pancake world.
"Curry on pancakes?" Cammie asked disgusted, looking questioningly at Rory.
"He doesn't actually serve pancakes." Jess said. "He's settled for world cuisine, but he didn't bother changing the name. And that curry, by the way, is deadly, so unless you want to make houses fall down you should stay away from it."
"Don't listen to him, his palate is just shamefully limited." Rory teased.
"Okey, so inn, coffee and pancakehouse with no pancakes. Anything else?"
"Town meeting's already been, so I think you missed our primary source of entertainment. You should see Taylor, that's our town selectsmans, when he sees my mom eating junk food during the meetings. Oh, and word to the wise… You guys," she said, pointing at Chris and Matt. "should stay away from Miss Patty."
"Why?" Matt couldn't resist asking.
"Well, if you're lucky, you'll get by with a couple of pinches in the ass, but you're fairly handsome guys, so you might just find yourself ushered down the aisle to become her umptieth husband." Jess told the now scared guys.
"How could you live in this place?" Chris asked Rory, terrified.
"Easy, she was the town princess. They loved her."
"Hey, as far as I know, I'm still town princess, I don't know if Taylor dared to dethrone me after the shoutdown he got when we were here. Speaking of that, where's my red mat? The marching band?"
"Oh, we have royalty among us!" Cammie said, mock-impressed, and bowed.
"Come on, let's go to Luke's…"
Over at Luke's it was rush hour, and Rory and Jess quickly spotted Luke zooming in and out of the kitchen, almost always knocking Ceasar over.
"Rory, doll!"
It was Babbette who had spotted them, and at once, the entire diner turned around to cheerfully greet her, and give Jess a polite nod. A few of the patrons actually gave him a smile to go with the nod.
"Oh, and if Babbette comes over to talk to you, quickly make up a reason why you need to leave, and don't hesitate to use it," Rory whispered.
"Rory, Jess!" Luke yelled from behind the counter. "Can I get you anything?"
"Coffee, in a vat if possible, and a burger with fries."
"Coffee and ham on rye for me," Jess said.
"Thank God one of you has some culinary sense… Anything for you guys?"
"So you're Luke? The Luke? With the coffee, as in the coffee?" Cammie asked, intrigued.
"Should I answer that?" Luke said unsure, looking at Rory and Jess.
"I'll have the coffee," Cammie chirped, making her way through the crowd, plopping down on a stool by the counter.
"We'll have what Jess has," Chris said, pointing at himself and Matt.
"Okey, Insane food for Rory, three ham on rye and five coffees," Luke noted, and disappeared in the kitchen.
The gang joined Cammie by the counter, and Rory couldn't help noticing how the entire diner was glancing over at Cammie's very colorful hair.
"Rory, on second thought, pour yourselves coffee, I have a situation in the kitchen!"
"I'm sorry, Luke!" came Ceasar's voice.
"Wow, he's never let me in behind the counter before to get my own coffee."
"Really?" Cammie said.
"He's pretty stern about keeping the customers on the right side of the counter. He almost refused to let my mom's friend Sookie in just because she sort of shanghaied his food one time too many," Rory explained as she took out five large mugs and filled them with coffee.
Cammie immediately began sipping on the coffee, letting out satisfied sighs.
"This is good, what coffee does he use?" she mused, hopping down from the stool and went behind the counter. "Do you know where he keeps it?"
"Probably locked in somewhere, or my mom would nick it everytime we're here," Rory replied. "And I'd get out from behind there as fast as I can."
"Nonsense, he's not dangerous, is he?"
"I don't know, he's pretty efficient with a sledgehammer," Jess said, smiling wryly.
Cammie continued searching for the coffee, without finding anything. She then settled for investigating the coffeemaker, sniffing at the top. Just then, Luke came out with their food. He stopped dead in his tracks, staring at the girl who was sniffing his coffeemaker.
"Rory, what is she doing?" he hissed.
"It looks like she's sniffing your coffeemaker. She couldn't find your coffee."
"Well, get her out of there!"
"You make her. She doesn't bite," Jess teased.
"I can't make her! She's got red and purple hair for God's sake!"
"Oh, Luke, you old softie…" Rory smiled.
Luke gruffed, inhaling deeply.
"Miss..?" he began, flinching when Cammies head snapped up from the coffeemaker.
"Oh, hi! Shoot, I shouldn't be here, but that's okey, I'll leave soon. What brand of coffee do you use? And while we're at it, do you have some nutmeg? It could seriously do wonders for the coffee."
"No nutmeg," Luke replied dazed, since that was more or less the only understandable thing he'd gotten out of of that stream of words.
"Come on!" Cammie begged. "Some nutmeg, and I'll disappear. I'll even consider stepping out of the establishment."
"I'll get the nutmeg," Luke relented, disappearing into the kitchen, food still in his hands.
"But… my burger," Rory whined.
Luke seemed to have noticed he was holding something that shouldn't be there, as he reappeared seconds later, putting down their food in front of them.
"Nutmeg coming right up," he muttered without looking at Cammie.
An hour later, they stumbled out. Cammie looked like a cat who'd stumbled across some milk, and the rest of them were just happy to be out. During the hour that had passed, they had witnessed how Cammie slowly broke Luke down, making him try out all sorts of crazy flavoursupplements to the coffee. After a while, the whole place smelled of nutmeg-, cinnamon-, and even chocolate coffee, after which half of the diner wanted to try the different flavoured coffees. Luke looked like he was ready to faint, while Cammie zoomed in and out of his inventory.
"I like that place. And Luke was cool, I think I know why your mom likes him, the coffee was great," Cammie chattered.
"I think I'm overdosed on coffee…" Rory whined.
Cammie had, of course, made them her tasting jury, and even Rory's super stomach began protesting now.
They were walking aimlessly around the town square, stopping every few yards to catch their breath and try to exhale all the coffee fumes.
"Are we going to see the inn soon?" Cammie asked, seemingly the only one of the group not affected by the insane amounts of coffee.
"When I get my stomach back," Jess answered.
"Yeah, and I'll come when I have enough strength to keep my eyes open for more than five seconds. God, I thought you were supposed to get perky from drinking coffee."
"It's the nutmeg, I always drink it with my tea before I go to bed. Makes me go out like a light," Cammie informed them.
"How many times have we passed Doose's market?" Jess asked, groaning.
"I don't know. Is Kirk following us yet? I thought I saw him snoop around in the bushes."
"No one's snooping, not that I can tell. But… Where's Matt and Chris?" Cammie said.
A/N: Lost in Stars Hollow? Oh, how I love cliffhangers, they so motivate me to write. Another thing that motivates me: reviews. Keep me happy and motivated to write! Reviews keep me happy when my boss pisses me off.