Chapter Twenty Two

Time began to slip away again, between lurches and lulls. And this time Jasper wasn't there to numb my pain. Not that he hadn't tried. He had, multiple times. But I held fast to my resolution and asked him to leave each time.

School was now incredibly painful. The first day was an absolute blur. I think I remember Alice trying to talk to me, Edward trying to guide me to class, but I started to go out of my way to avoid them. It really wouldn't help my resolve if I hung out with them all the time after I'd sworn off mythical creatures.

So I started to hang out with Angela more. Angela and Ben and even Mike. It was weird. They could tell something was off, but they were all very polite and never asked me about it. Angela tried to get me to talk a few times, but I just shook my head and told her I didn't want to talk about it. So she gave me a sympathetic smile and a hug and said that was okay.

The first time I really remember coming back to any sort of sense was when Jacob came barging down our door and practically kidnapped me. I hadn't spoken to him since that day and he was furious.

"Isabella Swan," he ground out, "What the hell?!" I stared up at him blankly. A large part of me was trying to break free, to explode and feel things again, to breathe in the fresh air and soak in the warmth that was Jake, but then I'd see Sam lying there, blood soaked and eyes closed, and I closed off.

"You don't call, you don't answer the phone, email, the Cullens said you won't even look at them. You can't do this. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to me." Jake paused in his ranting and pacing and kneeled down next to me where I was sitting on my bed. "Don't do this to me," he whispered.

And I looked at him. Really looked at him. Jake looked tired and just plain worn out. He wasn't vibrant like he always was, he was sad and lost. It was the first time I really realized that others were probably taking this whole ordeal just as hard if not harder than I was. Jake being a clear example.

I cupped his face in my hands and he looked up at me, his warm chocolate eyes searching my own for...love? Companionship? Help? I did love him, he was such an intimate friend, despite everything that I'd put him through. And companionship...couldn't I at least offer him that after I'd forced him through all these things? Help...I didn't know how to help him. I didn't know what was wrong. But he looked so lost. Sam had been his mentor, his guide. And it suddenly dawned on me that with Sam gone someone else needed to take up as the leader of the pack. It was probably Jacob.

Jacob was going through a lot more than I was and he wasn't locking himself away from the world.

"I won't," I said at last, answering his earlier statement. "I'm sorry. I'm here." I reached my arms behind his neck and pulled him into a hug. Jake leaned his head on my shoulder and wrapped his large arms around me, warming me up considerably. And he cried. I could feel him shaking slightly, feel the hot tears soaking my shirt, and hear Jacob's ragged breathing.

I tried to soothe him but I knew there was nothing I could say to make anything better. I could only be there for him like he had been there for me. And I realized that even though Jake was some sort of mythical creature, he was very much still human. And hurting. And the part of me that had rationalized staying away from Jacob as being in line with avoiding all mythical creatures broke. Because Jake wasn't some random monster running around. He was Jacob Black, my friend. And I loved him.

Jake finally calmed down and quickly let go when he noticed I was starting to sweat. He blushed a little, ashamed to have broken down in front of me, but I took his hand in mine and gave him a smile. Then he smiled back and a little piece of my world that had been out of orbit came crashing back into place.

Jake and I talked for a long time. It was subdued, not our usual laughing and banter. We talked about things on the Reservation, how Emily was doing and the pack. And I felt guilty. I hadn't even so much as called Emily since that day.

"When is the funeral?" I asked finally.

"Next weekend," Jake told me. "Are you coming?" I knew I should go, I knew that Charlie was going. But I didn't know if I could manage being there. I frowned, shrugging. "It would mean a lot if you came," Jake said simply.

I nodded my head. He wasn't trying to guilt me into going, but I still felt guilty. Or maybe it was just the guilt I was already feeling.

After a while Jake said he had to go, but that he expected to hear from me more often. I walked him to his car and just before he left he turned to me and stared at me long and hard. "You should talk to Jasper. You shouldn't be doing this to him either," he told me sternly. Then he got in his car and drove away.

After a few minutes I walked slowly back into the house. Charlie gave me a smile, his way of encouraging me and telling me he loved me, and I started to make dinner. Again I started to notice the little things that I'd blocked out completely since the fight.

Charlie smiling at me more and complimenting my cooking, even though it was just spaghetti. Asking me how my day had been. I wondered if he'd been doing this the whole time, and what I had said in response. And I realized that Charlie had always been like this, and I'd just neglected him. Finally realizing this left me warm and, for the first time in a while, happy. Another piece of the puzzle finally found its place.

**

Once I'd actually given them a chance I came to realize just how much I enjoyed hanging out with Angela, Ben and Mike. Before I had been deluded by my own perception that they would never compare to being friends with a vampire, but they had their own idiosyncrasies that I found I loved.

Angela always had a smile ready for me and a hug waiting if I should need one. Mike would always come prepared with a homemade cupcake or cookie for each of us, and was actually kind of funny. And Ben, well he was my savior. I hadn't really noticed that I had gym class with him until we started playing tennis and he valiantly agreed to be my partner.

And I hung out with them after school sometimes too. Going out and doing things. We went to the movies, the beach. I had a lot of fun doing normal, everyday things. And they all had their dreams and aspirations, for college and life. And it got me thinking about my own. What I would want to do after high school. It wasn't something I had really considered before and I wasn't really sure what I would want to do now.

Life was starting to look up. Except for the prospect of the funeral looming ever closer. I never quite knew what to do with myself late at night though. And I found myself thinking a lot about...things that made me cry. Namely Jasper. And Edward. And that day.

After the fight Edward had come over to me and canvassed how I was feeling. Afraid? A little bit. Upset? Not that Victoria was dead. And then if I loved Jasper?

I stared at him for a long moment, my mouth hanging open in surprise.

"Bella, please just tell me the truth," Edward said softly.

I gaped, opening and closing my mouth. I looked over to where Jasper was talking to Emmett, holding his hand out for something, and I cracked. Yes, I loved him. I loved the way his hair fell casually into his eyes, I loved how he had a southern drawl, how he smiled at me beautifully whenever I traced his scars. I loved his passion, his personality, how he had no reservations when it came to how he felt about me.

I nodded my head. "Yes, I love him," I said quietly, watching Edward's face attentively.

A look of pain shot across Edward's face, but he quickly schooled it. "Do you want to be with him?" he asked in the same mild tone.

I looked down at my shoes, and noticed that my jeans were torn and dirty. Edward's clothes too were ripped and smudged with dirt and grass. Edward was everything I wanted. He was perfect...but that wasn't fair to say. Because he wasn't perfect. And as much as I loved him I knew that I might just love Jasper more. Because Jasper had worked his way into my heart not just as a lover but as a friend. An aspect that Edward and I had seemed to gloss over. I knew that if I was talking to Jasper this wouldn't be quite so hard.

And I knew too that I did want to be with Jasper, more than I wanted to be with Edward. Because Jasper knew a whole other side of me. Jasper knew all of me. But how could I tell that to Edward?

Edward touched my hand gently and I looked up at him. I bit my lip, wanting to tell him what I really wanted but afraid all the same. But I didn't need to. Because Edward already knew the answer.

"It's okay love. I already know, I just wanted to see if maybe you'd changed your mind," he said sadly. He looked down quickly and took a deep breath. Then he looked back at me and searched my eyes.

"Bella," he said slowly. "I know I've done a lot of reprehensible and questionable things, but I've always just wanted you to be happy. And safe. I know how happy you are when you're with Jasper; I see it in his mind all the time. And after today...after seeing him fight for you, place all his energy in making sure you'd be safe, I can't doubt any longer that he would never hurt you. I may not have his talent for emotions, but I know without a doubt just how much he loves you.

"And so...that's why I..." For a moment Edward lost his eloquent articulation skills, and I knew that what he was saying was causing him a lot of pain. "I want you to know that as long as Jasper is the one that makes you happy and keeps you safe, then I'll be happy for you. And I'll always be here for you if you ever need me, for anything. I love you more than you can ever fathom, and I always will. And whatever form of reciprocation you have for me, well that will be enough."

I stared at Edward, my mouth slightly open, completely astonished. Edward wanted me to be happy with Jasper. I felt like a large weight was taken off of my shoulders. My eyes filled with tears and I wanted to hug him. So I did. Edward held me back, even if it tore at his heart to do so, and sighed against me. "Thank you," I whispered. "I'll always love you," I told him after a moment. It was true. I would always love Edward. But not nearly so much as I love Jasper. It just wasn't possible.

I fidgeted with my jacket in the mirror. The thing was, after I saw Sam lying there, dying, dead, I couldn't bring myself to want to be selfish and take Jasper away. It just didn't seem as important as to what had just happened. That our friend was dead because he had been trying to protect me. And it was all my own fault. I'd been warned time and again not to mix myself in with mythical creatures, and I just didn't listen.

So when Alice told me that things were over between her and Jasper and that she wanted me to be with him, to be happy with him, I wouldn't listen. Because how could I grant myself happiness when everyone else was so miserable? When Emily lost the love of her life, with a child on the way no less. It wasn't fair. I couldn't bring myself to do that.

I sighed and went back to my room, deciding that the jacket looked fine with my jeans. Not that it really mattered anyway. I wanted to set my hairbrush on top of my dresser, but it was currently cluttered with books and scraps of paper from my homework, a glass of water and some rings. So I opened the drawer to stuff it in there, but something caught my eye. A couple things, really.

The first was my camera. It was full, I remembered, because Emmett had gone on a photography spree. I had yet to get the film developed. After some debate I figured I might as well. If I couldn't be friends with the Cullens I could at least have pictures to look at them.

The second was the blue tin that Jasper had given me. After a few moments to gather myself while my heart throbbed painfully, I opened it, surprised to find something in there, as I hadn't put anything in it yet. It was the picture of Jasper as a child, flying his kite. On the back, written in his script, I love you. -Jasper

I felt a few tears slip down my cheeks and quickly brushed them away. I needed to quit crying like this. It was my own fault we weren't together. So I really didn't have a right to be upset about it. So I replaced the picture and put the tin back inside the drawer. I grabbed the camera and my keys and wallet, heading downstairs.

"Dad, I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?" I asked Charlie, who was sitting at the kitchen table, filling out some papers.

"I think we're low on milk," he told me absentmindedly. I went to the fridge to check. He was right, we only had about a fourth of the gallon left. So I grabbed a couple dollars from the grocery jar and stuffed them into my wallet. Then I headed to my truck and slipped inside.

"How long are you going to keep avoiding us?" I screamed and turned around sharply to see the owner of the voice.

It was Alice, sitting casually in my passenger seat, buckled in and ready to go for a ride.

"I-What are you doing here?" I asked surprised.

Alice smiled and snatched the camera from my hands. "I wanted to see the pictures. Emmett took some funny ones." She looked up at me innocently.

I stared at her dumbly. How on earth could she even stand talking to me? I'd been so horrible to her.

Alice sighed. "Bella," she said softly, placing the camera in her lap and taking my hand in hers. "I really do love you. No matter what. We all do, and it's killing everyone. Esme, Carlisle. Even Rosalie seems a bit upset. I don't need to tell you how it's making myself, Edward or Jasper feel."

I felt guilty, and tried to hedge the entire thing. "So Emmett's glad that I'm gone?" I asked lightly.

Alice giggled a bit, rolling her eyes. "Oh he's ecstatic about it." Alice frowned. "No, he sits around sometimes with a frown and wonders whether or not he ought to just kidnap you for a day. He really misses you." I frowned. "Bella, I really want to be your friend. I love Jasper so much, I want him to be happy. It's hard for me to say it, but being with you makes him happy. Happier than he could be with me." Alice paused for a moment, trying to giver herself the courage to go on. "And so I want him to be happy with you. And I want you both in my life. Forever is a long time to not be with the people you love."

I sighed. Maybe I was being stupid about not letting myself be around the Cullens. I'd been starting to somewhat question myself about that too, as of late. "I'm sorry," I mumbled.

Alice smiled at me. "It's okay. But no more avoiding Edward and I at school. It's just no fun," she said. "Come on, let's go to the store." She shuffled back into her seat, making herself a little bit more comfortable.

I roared my truck to life and got on the road. Alice got excited talking about Prom coming up and what dress she wanted to wear, and how she knew the perfect dress for me. And just the right hairstyle and makeup to go with it. I nodded my head and made objections at times, but I was slowly won over. Alice was making such an effort to be happy despite everything that had happened. I admired her for that.

Alice gave me a sad smile. "It's because life doesn't always go the way we want it to. Sometimes bad things happen, or things we wish didn't. But I can't live my life being sad and depressed. It's good to be happy, because you make others happy. And when other's are happy then I'm happy." She looked at me for a moment and I think I understood. Alice had spent almost all of her human life, what she could remember, being sad and afraid, depressed most likely. So now she just wanted to be happy. She already knew how unfair life could be, so she wanted to make the best out of whatever happened now.

Alice's smile brightened as we pulled into the parking lot. "I'm going to go drop these off at the one hour photo and you can go get the milk," she told me, practically twirling her way into the store. She waved hello to a few of our classmates. "Oh, and you're going to need more peanut butter too, so you might as well get it now."

"Thanks Alice," I said as she danced away. I walked through the aisles, grabbing the peanut butter and heading to the milk section. I got another gallon of skim milk and headed to the front to pay. Alice was waiting for me at the end, a small smile still adorning her features.

"I'll come back for them later and drop them off at you house," she told me. "I miss Charlie. Is it alright if I visit with him?"

"Uh, sure," I said. Alice grinned at me and we walked back to my truck together. And it was nice. Alice was my friend again, and the world was starting to look up. It seemed as if the pieces of my life were slowly being patched back together.

A/N: Uh hello! I know I promised an update to all of you a million years ago, and this one isn't even technically the complete chapter, but thanks to the insistence of so many readers, and that lovely girl Sunshine and Chocolate, I decided to go ahead post this just to let you guys know that I have not given up on this story! It will be completed. Now this is also a surprise to JaspersBella who didn't get to see it before hand because of it's random post, so I hope you enjoy it too! I will work on the next chapter, it's been started. And I'll not wait three months for an update this time either. Have a lovely winter!