In red-eyed pain I'm knocking on your door again
My crazy brain in tangles
Pleading for your gentle voice
Those storms keep pounding through my head and heart
I pray you'll soothe my sorry soul

–David Bowie

Four in the morning. Alice glanced at the clock before looking down at Hatter's sleeping form.

He'd forgiven her for her mistrust and assumptions, but Alice couldn't forgive herself. How could she have doubted him? In the entire time she'd known him, he'd never once failed her – he'd protected her, saved her, supported her, killed for her, held her while she wept, cheered her up, given her times of pure joy and mountains of pleasure. He'd worked so hard to make a life on this side of the Glass, for himself and for her. Until the Magic Club, he'd set aside his bright clothing, his more outrageous hats, his instinct for danger, and his natural talent for mischief. All to settle into the bland and boring state that Alice labeled 'reality'.

She shifted slightly, careful not to wake him as she moved her pillows higher behind her back. She leaned against the headboard and sighed quietly. Alice longed to reach out, to run her fingers through Hatter's thick hair as he slept, but she no longer dared to do it. She felt like she'd lost the right.

Alice felt like she was three inches tall. How stupid could she be? And how it hurt to know that she'd hurt him with her mistrust.

She always assumed there were ulterior motives for everything when it came to men. Certainly, until Hatter, she'd never met a man who'd been purely motivated by a wish for her company. In high school, it had been boys who wanted to sleep with her. In college, more of the same, plus the boys who wanted to sweet-talk her into doing their work for them. At the dojo, it was the casual superiority with which the other instructors – all male – treated her, until she became accomplished enough to beat them all. And Jack, the cruelest cut of all, a man she thought purely motivated by affection, turned out to be the least honest. Looking back, the remarkable irony of how Jack had skillfully lied to her and used her, versus how Hatter had seemed deceitful and yet honestly and caringly protected her, still made her shake her head in wonder at her own willful blindness.

Alice was sure some psychologist would have a field-day with her abandonment issues, and her trust issues, and her paranoia. In fact, she'd bet that there was some sort of complex that drove women like herself to become black belts or some such. Unable to trust men, Alice projected all that paranoia onto Hatter, who never deserved it.

Hatter moved suddenly, rolling on his side to face her, though still asleep. They hadn't gone to bed holding one another as they usually did. Instead they both had been stiff and uncomfortable, lying on separate sides of the bed. It had been a little like sharing with a stranger, and the discomfort made it impossible for Alice to sleep. After nearly a year, she couldn't relax without Hatter pressed against her. So after waiting until Hatter had drifted off, Alice had sat up, resigned to a night of vigil to contemplate how very badly she'd screwed up.

She listened to his breathing for a while. Her sorrow kept her cold, despite the heat Hatter's body gave off. Now, she simply sat quietly, waiting for dawn, letting slow, hot, regretful tears run down her face.

For long minutes she stared at her clenched fists, but then when she glanced at her sleeping boyfriend, she was startled to realize Hatter's eyes were open, watching her. How long had he been watching her cry, she wondered.

After a moment, he reached out to take hold of one of her hands. With his thumb, he gently uncurled her fingers. He glanced down at the red, crescent bruises she'd made in her palms with her nails. With a sad expression, he drew her hand to his lips, gently kissing the marks to soothe them. The gesture was so tender, so forgiving, it made her cry even harder.

"Shh, Alice," he whispered softly. Releasing her hand, he instead reached up to wipe the tears from her face. "Don't cry, love."

Utterly destroyed by his sweetness and caught by the strange unreality of the dim pre-dawn hour, Alice's breath hitched in her chest as she whispered back, "I'm so sorry." She needed absolution.

He hushed her again, propping himself on an elbow to bring himself up closer to her. His hand stayed against her cheek. His expression held a mix of sorrow, of tenderness, of understanding, and of regret. Then a small rueful smile flickered across his face, and his hand slipped around to cup her neck, and draw her face towards him.

His kiss was soft and powerful, full of the absolution she so desperately needed. He forgave her because he loved her, even though she was sure she didn't deserve it. She leaned over him, putting all her soul into the kiss. Alice loved Hatter desperately, passionately. She relied on him to keep her centered, to keep her head on straight. She achingly regretted the paranoia that had made her assume he was still a criminal.

Lying on his back, Hatter's hands were free to bury themselves in her hair as she kissed him. He held her, deepening the kiss, angling his mouth so his tongue could slip between her lips to caress her own. One hand drifted down her spine, soothing and calming, to come to rest at the small of her back. He pulled her closer, pressing her body against him.

Alice melted into him, forever grateful to the whims of fate that brought this man into her life. This strange, wonderful, generous man, who seemed uniquely capable of dealing with the mess in her head. Her hands now rested against his chest as she leaned over him, balanced on an elbow, and she let her fingers drift in gentle reverent touches across his body.

Hatter could feel her remorse and her devotion in the soft way she hesitantly touched him. He felt like their confidence in one another had been shattered. The only way he could think to restore it was to make love – maybe if their bodies could remember, their minds would.

Gently, he urged her with soft pressure to bring her leg over him, knowing she'd feel his growing erection against her thigh. It also allowed him to run his hand up the underside of her leg, brushing fingers gently against the join of her leg and torso, toying with the elastic band of her panties.

She sighed against his lips, still nervous, still needing him to show her the way back to him. His grip firm around her shoulders, he brought his hand slowly up her side beneath the tank top she wore to gently slide along the side of her breast. She shifted her weight more onto one elbow, freeing her own hand to run over him, mapping him, and he encouraged her by nibbling on her lip. He used his nose to push her face aside so he could reach her ear and throat, pressing heated kisses against her as his hand artfully stimulated the soft skin of her breast, until at last his fingers brushed her nipple which instantly hardened at his touch.

She gasped in response, her own hand drifting downwards to cup him through his boxers. At first, Alice only rubbed him, but when he groaned in pleasure, pushing against her palm with his hips, she gripped him through the fabric, finding a measure of confidence at last.

"Alice," he breathed into her ear, making her name an invocation. He bit down on her lobe, immediately soothing the sting with his tongue and lips. He used his foot to leverage himself over, rolling her onto her back. For a moment he hovered over her, their gazes locked together. He could still see the tears and fears shining in her eyes in the dim pre-dawn light. "Make love to me," he asked her, and the fear was replaced by joy.

She drew him down, kissing him like she wanted to crawl inside him. Hatter met her need with his own passion, knowing that no woman could ever destroy him or restore him like Alice could. They had the making and the breaking of one another.

He broke the kiss only long enough to slide her tank top up and off, and she squirmed to help him. As she arched her back, he couldn't resist leaning down to take one pert nipple into his mouth, laving it with his tongue, suckling gently as she moaned. Her nails raked lightly over his shoulders.

Alice shuddered as Hatter turned his attention to her other breast, his body covering hers, a heated weight she relished. She buried her fingers in his hair at last, lightly scratching his scalp, and he hummed against her flesh in approval.

Releasing her breast with a soft wet pop, he worked his way back up her chest to her collarbone with open mouthed kisses, tickling and teasing with his tongue. His lips trailed up her neck until reaching her mouth at last, where he kissed her as if the world had stopped spinning and he had nowhere else he had to be for all time.

When he finally drew back, Alice ran her hands over his defined shoulders, down his chest to scratch his nipples, and over his flat stomach, until she could swirl her fingers through the hair below his navel. She never moved her gaze from his as she dipped one hand beneath the waistband of his boxers, to grasp his erection. She loved the feel of him, the velvety smoothness of the skin over the hardened heat. That he could still want her, that they could still do this to one another after the hurts of the evening, made her heart fill and overflow with love for him.

Hatter's eyes fluttered shut as she stroked him, and the tension of holding still for her made him tremble. But when her thumb rubbed over the end of him, to tease and torment, he succumbed with a groan, collapsing to lie beside her. As she continued her ministrations, his free hand left a burning trail down her body, slipping deftly beneath her panties to press against her.

Alice moaned then, shifting her hips to increase the pressure, and Hatter gently trailed a finger through the seam of her, teasing her in turn. His kiss swallowed her gasp of pleasure, keeping them cocooned in grey silence. They communicated in small breaths, quiet moans and groans, a sigh here, a soft gasp there, through shifts in weight, pressing against one another.

Heat curled through Alice, burning vines that travelled along her senses, setting fires. She was slowly drowning in the scent, the taste, the feel of Hatter over her, and she wanted it. She wanted that consuming feeling, to lose herself in him, to be safe forever in him, to abandon her self and all her stupid insecurities in exchange for Hatter.

His fingers dipped and played with her, penetrating one moment, then swirling around her clitoris the next. She whined deep in her throat, pushing up with her hips. His tongue thrust into her mouth as his finger thrust into her body, a matched invasion of pleasure. She let go of his erection for a moment, to quickly bring her palm to her face. Alice turned her head away from his intoxicating kisses only long enough to drag her tongue over her palm. Then she reached back into his boxers, her saliva adding heat and slickness to the tight pumping she gave him.

Hatter groaned, thrusting into her hand as she brought him closer to the edge. He relished the feeling of her strong hands on him. Alice had no idea how much she owned him. In his head, he promised her a thousand years of devotion, if they could only be like this, giving each other joy, forever.

He lost all patience when she combined a strong stroke with a little twist of her wrist. "Let's get rid of some things," he gasped, followed by a bite on her shoulder.

"Yeah," she sighed. He pushed himself up to his knees so he could hook both hands into her panties, drawing them down over her hips. She obligingly brought up her knees to help him. Discarding her underwear, he shoved down his own, shuffling on his knees to be rid of the cotton. Alice bent one leg to her chest, bringing it down so that he knelt between her knees. Hatter leaned over her, pressing his body the length of hers, his mouth on hers to tangle their tongues, his hardness against her core.

Alice moaned as she arched against him, encouraging him to take her at last. Hatter left her lips to trail kisses down her throat and her body, until he could nibble in the hollow of her hip, leave long wet licks against her inner thigh, and finally exhale heated breaths against her most intimate skin. She whimpered as he drew a long lick from her opening to above her clitoris. He wrapped his arms beneath her thighs, bracing himself on his elbows, to hold her still as he teased and tormented, keeping a particular rhythm only moments before forcing her onto a plateau with a sudden change in angle or pace. The fingers of her right hand buried themselves into his hair, gently scratching his scalp, while her other hand gripped the sheets, the headboard, the pillow, any anchor in the storm of sensation he generated in her.

Finally, she couldn't take any more. Alice let out a high pitched whine, an almost inhuman sound of desperation, and fortunately, Hatter took it for the begging cue it was. He stimulated her clitoris in fast sharp licks, causing her to pant in sync, steadily increasing the pressure. Alice's entire body convulsed with the explosion of her orgasm, crying out wordlessly as she came, lightening running through her all radiating from Hatter's talented tongue. He didn't stop, driving her back over that edge again only moments later, drawing her pleasure out. Her eyes rolled back in her head, her back arched, and when she gasped out his name, her voice was hoarse and shaking.

When he'd judged her shattered enough, he quickly slipped up her body, to slide himself into her with one long deep stroke. Still coming, Alice cried out again as he settled into her, the stretch making her burn, her inner muscles clenching him almost too tightly for her to handle his girth.

Hatter could only wait a moment to let her adjust before his body began to scream for motion. He withdrew right to the very tip of him, then thrust back on an angle that made Alice gasp. Her hands fluttered from his shoulders down his chest, until on his third thrust, her fingers dug into his hips, holding him close as she gave him a little circle with her hips that made him moan. He laid himself over her, his chest pressed against her breasts. He only held himself from complete collapse by propping his elbows over her shoulders. From this position, every long thrust he made stroked against her already over-stimulated nub, and in moments he savored the feeling of her clenching around him, legs wrapped around his thighs, and her nails digging into his hips and lower back as she came a third time.

"With me," she sobbed softly in his ear, wrecked and trembling. "Come with me," she begged him.

"Gladly, my Alice," he whispered back. He drove into her, forcing her to angle her hips up to him, taking him in deeper and deeper with every thrust. Alice gasped and willingly gave herself into his control, meeting his powerful movements with her own. Her willingness, her submission drove Hatter harder. Her felt a need for her and possession of her. He bit down on her shoulder, and her pleased moan coupled with a clenching of her inner muscles around him finally sent him over the ledge. He shuddered as he came, groaning a wordless sound mixed of pleasure and near-pain. Alice held him tightly to her, milking him for every drop of ecstasy.

When he returned to himself, he pressed soothing kisses to the bruise he'd put on her shoulder. Alice's hands petted him, running in gentle trails from his neck to his backside. Feeling the euphoria of sex, Hatter's heart ached with remembered love. For himself, the moment had been healing, a setting-aside of the hurts of earlier that evening, a reminder that Alice gave herself to him and only him. He propped himself up on his hands to look down at her, locking his elbows, still buried deeply within her.

Alice's eyes still shone, but with wonder and happiness rather than sorrow and pain. Hatter still loved her, still wanted her. His forgiveness, his love, his passion, even his heat, bathed her in a blissful glow. She felt as if her heart could burst from relief and joy that he could still want to be with her after her stupid mistakes.

"I love you," she whispered up to him.

A slow smile curled his lips, tugging at his dimple and putting a sparkle into his eyes at last. "I love you, too," he replied. With a groan, he slid himself free of her body, and Alice couldn't help the sad whimper of loss, her body still shivering from the pleasure he'd given her. He made a soothing hum, shifting to lie next to her. He gathered her close to him, cradling her against his chest as he placed soft kisses on her forehead and eyelids and even her nose. Alice snuggled into him. With a foot and a hand, Hatter managed to drag a light blanket up over them.

Secure and redeemed, Alice fell asleep at last, cradled in Hatter's arms.

To be continued