(Disclaimer- again. i wouldn't be typing this if I owned everything.)

hey. sorry its taken such a long time for me to update. i've had this done for a while, but
i didn't really like it...because im a total perfectionist. and so now its doubled in length.. so its
REALLY long now. my longest chapter yet. i apologize for that, and i know its probably really boring, too.
haha. darn. but yeah! so i finished BD the other day! it was...well. i don't even KNOW.
i've formed a sort of love/hate relationship with it. it was so different from the rest of the series that it almost
felt like an entirely different one. it was very strange. but so.. yes. i'm kind of in a half awed half horrified state now.
bahhh. did you guys love it!? OH and for everyone that said that i shouldn't have read it before finishing this story..
may i please ask why? i really didn't see how that could have changed my views. haha. i don't know. maybe i'm slow.
but i'd really like to know why everyone thought that i shouldn't have read it yet. and i'll just assure all of you that
by reading breaking dawn, none of my views or opinions have changed. i will still continue this story the same way
that i intended to from the very beginning, so theres nothing to worry about. :D
i have nothing left to wait for besides the movie now. i'm pretty excited about that, though. and i'm waiting for
the twilight guide that comes out dec 30! wooo! thats pretty cool too. haha. but anyway. im probably boring you.
so lets get on to the reading, huh? :D thank you for the wonderful reviews!

Addiction

"What?" I gasped. I could see Edward's face through the blanket of fog, but only a little bit. I caught only enough of a glimpse to notice the melting of his curious expression, see how it twisted into shock and concern. I knew what must have caused his face to change so suddenly. I could feel the terror leaking onto my own visage, feel the thrumming of my unstable heart as it tried to escape my chest. Worst of all, I knew that he could see my pain, see the desolate form of my brows, my lips.

Because it was over. There was no hope for me now.

Anna. Anna. The name, my name, came from his mouth with certainty, echoing inside of my skull, rolling around inside of me, pinning me to the ground. He knew who I was. He'd heard it in my head. He'd read my mind and he'd known my real identity. Even if it were somehow possible for him to suddenly read Bella's mind, he'd called me Anna. The beautiful man in front of me was real, but he wasn't mine. Not once was he mine. He was Bella's. And I was just a silly girl.

Edward suddenly took a terrifying dip to the left, tilted so that he almost completely disappeared from my misty vision.

Cold stone fingers clamped down around my sides, lifting me from the waist. He placed me back up onto the couch before my face collided with the wooden floor. I could tell through the fuzz of my eyes that he was confused, worried, but my brain could hardly register it. I still couldn't focus. I felt like a shell of something that used to be, like I was having an out of body experience. Everything I'd wanted, everything I'd hoped existed, did exist…it was real. Every portion of my dreams had a place in this world.

Except for me.

"Are you okay?" He breathed, his face drawing closer to mine, looking into my eyes. His pallid hand reached up, inching toward my neck, but he quickly threw it back on his lap, pursing his lips. His brows were pulled into one line above his eyes, his chest moving quickly with the anxiety of his unnecessary breathing.

He was beautiful, exquisite, but he wasn't mine.

I didn't respond.

"Bella!" His voice flowed with stress as he gave up on his internal battle, flinging his hands up to grab me by the shoulders. He pulled my face to his, trying to wake me from my trance. And it worked. But not because he touched me, because his fingers were gentle and hard and wonderful all at once. Not because he was less than an inch from my face, his breath trickling down over my skin. Not even because he repeated the word again and again, trying to force a response from me.

It worked because he'd said the word at all.

Because he'd called me Bella.

My eyebrows furrowed as I snapped back into reality, trying to make sense of what was going on. Just a minute ago I'd been Anna to him, but now he was calling me Bella again. What was it? Who was I? I was getting tired of having to guess. I needed him to tell me.

"Who am I?" I whispered, my voice drenched with desperation.

His head cocked a bit to the left, still just inches from my own, looking a little sympathetic. His hand left my shoulder, slowly easing its way down the length of my hair from crown to waist. His dark eyes followed the journey of his fingers as they stretched through the locks of my hair, his expression softening.

My breathing stopped as his other hand traced along the line of my face, sliding from my forehead to my jaw. His head shook slowly, seeming a little mesmerized, before he dipped his face lower, his lips just inches from the flesh of my collarbone.

Sniffing me.

I raised an eyebrow, swallowing hard against the urge to pull his face to mine and kiss him. I tried to drag my mind away from the man in front of me, saturating my thoughts with images of Jacob, with the feelings he'd always stirred in me. I couldn't let Edward get to me. I couldn't be with Edward.

But if I was Bella, it would hurt him…hurt me…to leave him now for Jacob.

Why did he have to find me first? Why?

"Bella." Edward whispered against my skin. I trembled, chilled by his icy breath. He froze there against my collar, his nose lightly gliding against me, until suddenly, I was on his lap, my face buried into his shoulder. His hand stroked my head, rocking me. I melted against him, losing myself in the moment.

I hated myself, but it was beyond my control now.

I was so addicted it hurt.

"You're Bella." He told me, loosening his grip so that I could look at him. "Of course you're Bella." His forehead pressed against mine, his eyelids pulling down. He breathed deeply, inhaling the scent of me. "I've been waiting so long. So long."

My gasp stuck in my throat at the agony of his words, completely enticed by the sound of his voice, the sweet honey of his breath. His body was cold underneath mine, and I felt like a puddle of ice in his brilliant hands. I bit my lip, trying hard to keep my head. I was in his arms, Edward's arms. I was his. I was his Bella.

Bella Swan.

"You called me Anna." I whispered quickly, pulling desperately for my own attention, trying to keep myself from being completely absorbed by his perfection. I couldn't lose myself like this. I had to distract myself. I had to say something.

I loved him so much. I was his, but I couldn't let him have me.

It was like finding reality to be sweeter than you'd ever imagined it, to crave it and want it with every inch of your heart and soul, but to know that you can't have it, even though it's yours. It was like forcing yourself to leave a warm shower, even though you enjoyed it, because you knew that if you stayed in for too long, you'd shrivel up. Like asking a madman to stop killing, to give up his bloodlust, his love for the kill, so that he didn't wind up insane. Like giving up the heroin. Giving up the drug.

I needed the air, the sun, so that I could see clearly. My head was all fogged up with Edward. I needed Jacob to show me the light.

I shook my head weakly against Edward's hand as he pulled my face to his, his lips so close, so perfect. My eyelids drooped and my hands clung to his back, pushing him nearer. I fell in close to him, waiting, wishing, aching for his lips to crush mine. I couldn't get enough. I felt high, happy, complete in the arms of my drug. In the arms of Edward. I didn't want to give him up; I didn't want to stop this.

No! NO!

"No, Edward. You called me Anna. Why did you call me Anna?" I was in such a hurry to distract myself that I found the words escaping my mouth like a shout, colored with the blackest of anger, directed only toward myself. He flinched away from me, taken aback by my sudden outburst. I winced in apology and guilt, reading the hurt expression in his eyes, but I needed this, I needed to make him stay away from me. I didn't know how much more I would be able to handle. I didn't know how much longer I could control myself.

Jacob, Jacob, I thought, trying to insert his name to every single piece of my brain and heart, to butter my conscience with his smile. I couldn't forget him. I had to keep him there behind my lids, constantly in my face. He was the one that I wanted to be with. He was the healthier choice. I could be happy with him…but only if I could say goodbye to Edward. Only if I could break my addiction.

But the burn for the drug was strong, and I couldn't bear it. I needed it.

Edward pushed me away gently, giving himself room so he could explain and look at me at the same time. My face fell into a pout, my fingers extended for him. Even though I wanted him, needed him, I tried to remind myself to be happy with the space between us. I should be relieved to be away from him, to have clean air to suck in and remove me from his spell.

Silently, I released a sigh, relaxing now that the struggle was on pause. I was glad that I didn't have to fight with myself for the moment. It was just too chaotic, too confusing. I didn't want to deal with this. It was almost painful enough for me to wish it all away, to want to go back to that little white cell and sit there all alone. Just to rid of the ache of having to decide.

It was all so hard, and I wasn't strong enough to deal with it. Not strong at all.

"Before, when I called you Bella…you didn't look happy. I thought you'd prefer it if I called you Anna." He murmured, his fingers wrapping around mine comfortably. His hand fit mine like it was made to be there, like we were made to be one. I twitched, nervous beneath his ideal touch, unsure of myself. It was unbearable. My free hand dragged down over my face, exasperated. I scowled.

"But you can read my mind." I insisted, looking for an excuse, trying to make him admit that I wasn't who he said. Part of me no longer wanted to be Bella — not to him, anyway. I didn't want to be his Bella — not if it hurt Jacob in the end. But then again, I supposed Jake couldn't be hurt if he didn't know. But could I deal with that?

No. I wanted to be Jacob's.

Edward read the scowl on my face carefully before answering me, his eyes wide.

"No I didn't." He disagreed, shaking his head, his eyebrows pulled together. "I still can't read your mind." It was his turn to scowl now as his eyes traced over my forehead. He seemed disgruntled with the fact that he was still unable to get into my head, looking at me like there might be a button above my eyes that would switch my brain back into a normal frequency — one that he could understand.

I swallowed hard, trying to slow my heart as I watched him watch me. "How then? How did you know my name?"

He smiled guiltily, seeming somewhat embarrassed. His black eyes reached up over my head, avoiding contact with mine, and his lips pulled into a tight line. Then he sighed. "Alice, of course." He chuckled reluctantly, taking in my expression with a quick glance.

That was not the answer I'd expected.

"When Tanya called me to announce what Emmett said he'd found, I called Alice. I asked her to look for you, or at least for Emmett, to see if it was worth it. Not that you aren't worth it…it's just that…well, I didn't want to come here at first. I was afraid that it wouldn't be you…and that I'd just…" He stopped, chuckling at the tormented sound of his voice. He seemed more self-conscious than I'd ever even thought possible of him. How could someone so absolutely immaculate ever possibly be insecure? It was a little unnerving, but it just melted me toward him even more.

This was going to be very, very hard.

"It's happened once before, you see," He started again. "A couple of years ago, Jasper came across this…girl. He was certain that she was you. I suppose I shouldn't say certain, actually, because no one could really be certain besides me or Alice." He flashed me a brilliant smile, stroking my cheek, leaving a trail of blush behind. "She smelled a little like you, the girl, so I really can't blame Jasper too much for the disappointment he caused me. Her hair was brown, her skin light, but…she was too plain to ever possibly be you."

I snorted at his words, finding them to be completely arguable. I was nothing if not plain. I still could not comprehend his views of me. They were ludicrous, insane. I bit my lip, shaking my head so that I wouldn't interrupt him, but he paused anyway, lifting an eyebrow at my amused reaction. I waved him on with my hand.

"Well…er…since then, I guess it's been hard for me to…to even accept the possibility that you could be out there. It just hurt to think that you wouldn't be…" He paused, staring at the piece of cushion between our two close forms. His eyebrows were furrowed as he contemplated what to say next.

I inched closer, my eyes sympathetic on his lovely face, my fingers rubbing soothing circles into the back of his hand. I was getting pulled into my love for him again, but I couldn't help it.

"That's why Emmett was wary, you know. He didn't want to wind up doing what Jasper did. But you said you were Bella this time, so he didn't have much of a choice but to notify me…And it was good that he did. When I called, Alice told me it was you. You looked a little different, she said, but in her vision, she could tell that I knew it was you." He looked back up at me, his black eyes warm, gentle. A small smile tugged the corners of his lips. "So here I am." He finally shrugged, nonchalant.

I smiled, leaning closer to him. He breathed deeply.

"I'm glad that I came." He admitted, smiling sheepishly. "I've been waiting forever for you, Bella. I've had Alice looking for you for years and years, ever since the very first day that Jacob told me about the legend." Edward paused, searching my reaction with his penetrating eyes. I didn't know whether he was doing it to see if I understood what he was talking about, or because he'd heard my shocked intake of breath at the sound of Jake's name.

"We just couldn't find you. Alice couldn't track you down at all." He murmured, staring at our hands entwined together on his leg. I pursed my lips.

"Because she was looking for the wrong name." I whispered. "She was looking for Isabella Swan…but I'm Anna now."

"Yes." He agreed. His dark eyes searched mine, inquiring. He seemed almost shocked that I understood him, intrigued by how much I really did know. "How did you know…how did you even know you were her?"

"I've kind of had these…dreams." I muttered, looking away from him, embarrassed. It was silent for a minute as he digested this, his hand frozen on mine. I tried to keep my face out of sight, hiding the hot flood of red popping up under the skin of my cheeks, but after a few minutes, I couldn't deny the curiosity that his silence provoked.

I gave up, tilting my face upward to better peek at his expression.

His eyes were focused on my face, his mouth tight, looking a little irritated, but patient. He seemed to be waiting for me to explain more. I looked away again, flushing deeper.

"I'd rather not talk about it, actually." I told him. In my peripheral vision, I could see him nod, seeming to accept my disinclination. My body relaxed, happy that he wouldn't demand more information, and I sunk deeper into the cushion behind me. My new jeans were getting a bit disagreeable, though, on the verge of painful as I moved, and I flinched, pulling at one of the pant legs, trying to get more comfy. My hair fell from my shoulder in the process, scaring me, and I gasped, sucking a strand of hair straight into the back of my throat.

I started to choke.

"You smell the same." He informed me casually, twisting the hair out of my mouth and pushing it behind my ear with an amused little grin. His voice was soft as I blushed, his eyes alluring. Leaning in closer, he brought my hand to his face, letting his nose glide over my wrist. "Actually, you smell…well, better."

I stiffened, terrified of the pain that this would cause me in the long run. I knew that his compliment should have made me happy, and it did, but the fear was so much stronger. This would kill me…the strengthening of my feelings for him. I was becoming more and more addicted by the second, and I knew that I could never stay. I would have to make myself leave him.

He, too, froze, noticing my tension. He pulled away, his eyes tortured. Quickly, his face became expressionless, the agony there wiping cleanly away, and he became a statue at my side, no longer touching me at all.

"What is it?" I whispered, my fingers reaching to trace the smooth plains of his face. I was shocked by the pain I'd seen in his eyes, even more worried by the mask of apathy that he wore now. It reminded me of something…but I couldn't figure it out.

"You're afraid of me." He mumbled, trying to keep the pain from his voice. My eyes widened, surprised that he would come to that conclusion, struck with the ache that my reaction had caused him. He'd always feared this…that I would run away screaming. I supposed that it wasn't really unreasonable for him to have assumed that I was afraid of him. I'd responded the way that any terrified person would have. It was a different fear, though, not a fear of him, just a fear of knowing I'd have to leave him. He couldn't have known that, but still…

That was all it took. Just that one ounce of pain on his beautiful face…and I didn't care anymore. I couldn't stand to see him hurt because of me, and this wasn't even half of what he'd go through if I left him now. That one look of torture on his angel's face put me right over the edge.

My arms shot out ahead of me, wrapping around his neck, and I pulled myself close, shaking my head. I buried my face into his chest, reveling in the scent of him, letting the obsession fill me entirely, absolutely addicted. He was unmoving in my arms, confused with my varying emotions.

And my emotions did vary, but there was one emotion that remained utterly constant. I loved him. It wouldn't ever change, no matter how much this addiction impaired me. I couldn't change it — I couldn't even budge the affection that I felt for him. I may have loved Jacob more, but I loved Edward enough. Enough to not be able to say goodbye.

How was I going to do this?

"No." I told him quietly. "I'll never be afraid of you, Edward."

(author's note: again, i repeat, jacob lovers, do not fret. i love him. and he'll be in this story soon. don't hate me!)