I do not own Naruto, nor Watchmen.
This is one of my favorites. It practically wrote itself, and I love finally being able to depict Eddie's friendship with Jiraiya because they're both immature, womanizing badasses, in their own way.
Enjoy!
Thirty-six chapters and counting...
"Shut the fuck up, man." Eddie says desperately, cringing. "We're in a fucking grocery store!"
"Eddie my brother! Not you too!" Jiraiya wrings his hands in mock-despair. "Tsunade is going to the hot springs and neither you nor Sakumo want to come with and peep? Marriage ruins manly men – you're not like you used to be! Marriage ties you down, winds you around the finger of one woman, when you could have fun with the ladies and still be free!"
Hidden Leaf's Comedian glances at his daughter in the front of the grocery cart, hands white-knuckled on the bar of the cart. He only hopes Laurie will not pick up any new words from his best friend's speech. He's already gotten in trouble with Sally for swearing enough in front of their daughter. Enough times for her to pick up the f-word. Pick it up, and repeat it for more'n a week.
"And--" and Jiraiya is draping himself over Eddie's shoulder and now the store's other patrons are definitely staring. "I hear men do their wives' chore lists and don't even get enough--" He leans over with a stage whisper, "sex as they used to. Yeah," the white-haired man nods to himself, "and married sex is completely bland."
"Bullshit," Eddie finds himself saying, "You know this how? 'Cuz it ain't."
"Really?" Jiraiya says, unbelieving.
Eddie grits his teeth and kind of nods, dying of mortification. After all those years of tormenting others with his sense of humor, karma is paying him back.
"'S better, actually." His best friend's eyes widen, and Eddie takes this as a sign to elaborate. "Once you get used to each other, you know exactly what they like. 'S like… like fighting with a kunai you're used to. Only using new ones means you have a sharper edge, but with an older one you know the heft, grip, and all it needs is a little polishing and sharpening."
"Hmm. Good point." Jiraiya concedes, "But don't you miss those virgin titties? Unspoiled by a baby's suck?"
Laurie claps her hands and squeals, loud enough for the store's customers to hear her in the next aisle, "Titties! VIR-GIN TITTIES!"
Jiraiya guffaws, and Eddie punches him, hard.
"Fucking hate you, man. You suck as a god-father, y'know."
"Ow. Not my problem, you picked me."
"Sally's gonna kill me."
"With what? Dirty diapers?"
"Yes."
One review, please?