(Disclaimer- I'm really starting to loathe disclaimers.)

another long-time-no-update. sorry about that. i wrote this chapter at least twenty different times
and in twenty entirely different ways. I even showed my friend, who will know who she is when she reads this,
a draft of this chapter. as she will probably see, it is not the same chapter at all. but i think that i came away with
a better one in the end. --let's hope, anyway.
ahhh, well, i'm rather tired, seeing as it is currently 2am, so i'll make this short.
just please read and review, because otherwise, what is the point of me putting this on here, right? :D

Composure

Carlisle drove us home in the rain just two days later. My ribs were black and blue, as well as my heart, and my arm was suspended in an off-white sling. Jacob sat beside me in the back of the Mercedes, his warm fingers heating up my neck. All was silent.

He had wanted to run and retrieve his own car, insisting that he didn't need the help of any stupid bloodsuckers, but I wouldn't let him. Though he thought it was stupid and made a point of telling me so, I had told him that I was afraid of being without him. I hadn't particularly lied, really, but the bigger reason for my protest was that I didn't want him getting hurt again. He had just healed from the break in his ribs. What if he ran into another vampire on the way? Who could say that his friends would be there to help him this time? Who could promise that he would come back to me?

I shivered under his hand, chilled by the thought.

"Goodbye, Bella." Carlisle murmured somberly as Jacob helped me out of the car. I pursed my lips, looking back at the beautiful blonde man, wishing that I could help him. Ever since Edward had stormed away that night when I saw him through the glass, the Cullen family was silent and sober. Even Alice and Emmett, the family clowns, were hushed.

Because he hadn't come back. He hadn't even called.

A thick boulder in my chest wobbled, drawing attention to the guilt it contained. I knew that it was my fault for this absence, for the fact that Edward had gone away to begin with. And though Esme had quietly urged me not to think of it in that way, I was sure that, secretly, they all knew who was responsible for tearing their family apart. Every one of them knew that it was me, and maybe they hated me for it. I sure did.

After saying goodbye, I stood there on the lawn, rain and gloomy darkness filtering in all around me. I watched as the headlights of the sleek automobile turned away, disappearing into the night, and felt as though a piece of me vanished, too. The only thing that held me into place was the unflagging sun beside me, the only bright piece of this dreary scene. When I peered up at him, he smiled a dead half-smile and led me into the house.

Junior was waiting on the couch.

"Hey," he huffed nonchalantly, throwing us a lazy crooked grin. I tried to work a smile to my lips for him, but he didn't buy it. Instead, he raised a dubious brow. "Well aren't you two just chipper?" he muttered, standing. "There's food on the table. I thought you guys might be hungry."

"No thanks," Jake said quickly, grimacing. I looked up at him curiously, confused about his answer. He had to be hungry; the portions that the Cullen family made were very small—but then again, who could blame them for that? They didn't know.

"What? Why not?" Junior seemed just as shocked as I was, his eyebrows meeting.

"You're not so good of a chef." Jake replied, reaching for the phone. "I'll order pizza."

"Hey, hey! Hold up a minute. I didn't make it. Jenna did."

My eyebrows went up on my face, surprised. "Jenna?"

Slowly, hearing the impressed tone in my voice, Junior's face lit with a grin. "Mhm. And she's good."

We ate the food, a little reluctantly at first, but the aversion quickly transformed into awe. It was great. She had made us each a plate of potatoes, corn, and roast beef, topped off with a warm bun and some cola. Junior leaned against the sink and watched as we ravaged the rations, choking them down as though we hadn't eaten in months.

When we finished, he loosed a cocky grin. "See?"

Jake wadded up his napkin and chucked it him. "Marry her."

The rest of the night went a little like that—Junior acting as our entertainment, Jake and I both laughing and smiling along—but the smiles were just on the surface. Inside, the piece of me I hid from them was stinging furiously. There were too many emotions in my chest, too many contradictory shouts on my tongue. I had no idea how to behave, what to think.

For one, I was being careful. I didn't know just how careful to be, though, so it caused a problem. If I tried too hard and was overly cautious, Jacob might suspect that I was lying about wanting to be with him. Why else would it be so awkward? Shouldn't I have been able to slip back into my old routine with him as though nothing had changed? Because nothing had changed. I'd always wanted him. So of course he would be suspicious if I wasn't acting comfortable here. And if I didn't try enough, if I let the pain flow freely, he would see also that I felt bad for the Cullens, that I worried about Edward. And again, he would suspect.

What was I supposed to do?

Jacob brushed a finger along my arm suddenly, making me flinch in surprise. Glancing up at him, I saw his worried expression, the way that the lids were tight around his black eyes, concealing some emotion he didn't want me to see. I could guess what it was.

"What?" I asked, a little self-conscious. I tried to feel my face from the inside out, to know what it was that he was looking at. It felt cold and dazed. Hopefully that was all it looked like to him.

"You're zoning."

"Oh." I sighed in relief, my tense shoulders relaxing.

He sat beside me.

"You know what?" he asked me suddenly after a moment. I looked at him, my eyebrows furrowing.

"No, what?"

"I'm a jerk."

This wasn't anything like what I'd been expecting. I'd thought maybe he would say something about how horrible the Cullens were…or at least something along those lines. So when he said these three words, I couldn't help but snort in shock.

He shot me a funny look. "What're you laughing about?"

Ducking my head, I mumbled an apology. "Sorry. Nothing. What're you talking about?"

"Me being a jerk." Grabbing my hand, Jacob held my palm to his face. "I made you a promise a long time ago, Bella, and I broke it. I said I'd never hurt you, that I would always be here if you needed me. But I wasn't. I left you out in the rain to get lost in the woods. And now look at you!" He gestured toward my injuries with his free hand. "You're all banged up, and it's my fault. I'm sorry. I've been a horrible friend."

I shook my head, laughing nervously. "Stop being melodramatic. You're here with me now, and I started it to begin with—"

"No. I knew how it would be with you way back then, that you would always want him. I shouldn't have expected a change."

"Jake. Shut up."

I kissed him, maybe just to get him off of the subject, and maybe also because his face looked beautiful in the dim lighting from the kitchen. Everything around him had faded into the dark, so only his self-criticizing face was illuminated before me.

I couldn't help myself.

My breathing accelerated, my heartbeat thumping in my chest, as he wound his arms around my tender waist. His lips were magic against mine, but I pressed my good hand to his chest, denying the craving in my stomach and pushing him away. Junior was most likely in the next room, and with his hypersensitive hearing, I was feeling very self-conscious and exposed.

Jacob shot me a disgruntled look, furrowing his brows and pouting his lips.

I wanted to say something, to explain why I needed to stop, but I didn't want Junior to hear that, either. I sat for a moment staring at him with my lips pursed, trying to think of some way to explain without speaking.

Just as I thought to point to Junior's door, Jacob's eyes lit with understanding and he chuckled in amused relief.

"The Kid went to see Jenna a little while ago—while you were in your trance." he explained to me with a wicked grin, bending in closer for another kiss.

"Oh," I mumbled against his lips.

He leaned into me, his huge body towering over mine like the beanstalk towered over Jack. For a moment I was only able to stare at him as he kissed at my face, paralyzed by the abrupt explosion in my head. I was so absolutely disgusting—in so many ways. Here I was, kissing Jacob, and feeling guilty about Edward. The only thing on my mind while kissing this beautiful man should have been…well, this beautiful man. But then again, Edward could have been halfway to the Volturi—or worse, he could have been there begging for a death sentence.

Or he could have gotten his death sentence.

I froze, a gasp escaping my mouth, and pushed Jacob with so much force that I actually moved him back an inch. In response, he rolled away from me in shock, landing on the thinly carpeted floor with a loud thud. He was back on his feet in less than a second though, grabbing at my immobile shoulders with an intense expression.

"What the hell, Bells?"

Atonements filled my mouth, but it wouldn't open. My teeth were clenched, trying to swallow the possibility that Edward could have been dead.

That Edward could have been dead.

I was hyperventilating.

"Bella! Bella? Hey, do you need to go see Carlisle again? Is it your arm? Your ribs? Bella!"

"Holy crow," I whispered, wrapping my one good arm around my aching chest. The bruises were making themselves known, and I could feel the pain from the top of my neck to the bottom of my torso. My eyes closed, trying to block out the pain.

It wasn't smart to do that.

"Bella!" Jacob shouted, pulling me to him. Apparently he hadn't known I'd closed my eyes intentionally, thinking instead that I'd passed out or worse. I shook my head against his chest, leaning away again despite the burning ribs.

"I'm okay, I'm okay," I huffed.

"What the heck just happened?"

"I just had a bit of…Jake," I'd begun to say 'a bit of an episode,' but I'd lost the thought somewhere in the middle, deciding instead to tell Jacob what was really bothering me. The second his name was out of my mouth, though, I lost the valor and shut my mouth again, unable to speak.

"You had a bit of Jake? What?"

I shook my head, eyebrows furrowing.

"What, was that too much Jake? Was I coming on too strong? Bella?"

I'd closed my eyes again. "No, Jacob. You…came on just fine. It wasn't that."

"Well then what is the…" Jacob's voice drifted, entering a tunnel. Then he inhaled sharply. "Oh."

I peeked at him, hiding the lower half of my face with the bottom of my shirt sleeve. I could see the dawn in his eyes, the reluctant comprehension, and bit my lip where he couldn't see. I didn't need any more cataclysms, but I wondered if that would be exactly what I'd get from him in response.

"Oh." Jacob said again. And that was it.

A long moment passed as I waited for him to continue, but still there was nothing. Finally, I couldn't take it. I needed to know if this was the extent of it or not. Was he angry, was he sad? His face was a blank canvas to my eyes. "Oh?" I prompted.

"You think he's gone on another suicide mission?" He wondered calmly.

My lips pursed, the sleeve—as well as my arm—back down on my lap, and my eyebrows met. I knew he would hear the increasing tempo of my breath, but I couldn't slow it. Edward could be dead. Edward could be gone.

Jacob nodded. "We'll call the Cullens," he decided. His voice was unwavering and composed; his tone held no hostility at all, not even when it hit the last word. Impressed, I squeezed his hand, smiling a teensy smile of gratitude, but I knew that there was more he wasn't showing me. And for the moment, I was glad he hid it, but that momentary relief soon wore off with his next words, replaced by suspicion.

"Oh, and while we're at it, you should probably make another call, too."

I cocked a brow. Who else would we possibly call?

But before I could ask, he had already dialed the phone.