Title: You Broke My Heart
Summary: As a teenager Chuck Bass was feral, heartless and immoral. Falling in love with Blair Waldorf softened him. When Chuck and Blair in the future have children- you'd expect Chuck to be a doting father- because we know he has an amazing heart. Then why is Chuck so cruel to their son?
Disclaimer: Sigh. Pains me to say it but I don't own them.
A/N: I honestly never thought I'd get down to writing this story, but it happened after all! It was one of those things you think about but just don't have the guts to do. If you've read this story and liked it- then just know that if it wasn't for you, neither would be this fic!
PS: The name Cherie is pronounced Ch-erie.
….
I have this memory of my father tickling the hell out of me while my mother shrieks at him to stop. He throws me into the air and catches me again and I am screaming with excitement, laughing crazily. I still have the memory of the adrenalin rush as I flew into the air, just a helpless, defenseless child. I never once doubted that my father would catch me. Maybe that's why I don't remember feeling afraid. This memory stays with me because it is all I have. Proof that there was once a time every ounce of my father's concentration was on me, only on me, as he made sure that I'd never fall.
Lately I feel as though I could be running before him with Valium in a fist and a dagger in my hand and he still wouldn't notice me in time to catch me before I collapsed.
-Lucien Bass
….
He woke up the next morning with a feeling of pure dread. He stared at the Batman calendar fluttering over his head. It was that day today.
That day.
He rolled under his bedspread and buried his face into his pillow.
Usually Lucien loved the crack of dawn. He liked being the first one down to breakfast, heading towards the wafting scent of Dorota's Amaretto pecan pancakes. He liked the early morning ride in the limo and the fun disputes with his little sister and Ashley that carried on right to the St. Jude's Grade school. But today was not one of those days. Lucien dug a fist into the pillow and squeezed his eyes shut. Maybe if he closed his eyes he could just keep sleeping…
There was a startling knock on his door. "Liam!"Cherie called out "Wake up!"
…Or not.
"Hurry!" her small voice came urgently through the doors. "Don't you know what day it is today?"
Who was she kidding? Of course he knew.
A part of Lucien just wanted to stay in today. Maybe he could pretend to be sick. Maybe he could fake a stomachache. But he couldn't do that to Cherie, couldn't leave her the horrible burden of solely dealing with their father now.
She couldn't even begin to imagine what this day meant.
Today was the day Charles Bass was going to publicly loose it.
She was too young to understand what was happening; she was still just a baby.
For that matter Lucien knew he was just a kid himself. But circumstances had forced him to mature before time. Part of it had been the condition of being the big brother. And part of it had been the ghastly reality unfolding before his very eyes.
Sometimes he felt Cherie saw it too. Sometimes he felt as though she sensed it- as though she almost guessed it…
But no one the truth. Lucien himself only knew a gist of it.
No one knew except Charles Bass.
Today, Lucien promised himself, today that will change
….
My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it.
–Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant, 1968
….
His name was Adrian Charles Bartholomew Bass and they called him Artie.
And he looked just like his father.
He had the same almond shaped, large and playful, cognac brown eyes.
He had the same soft brown hair that appeared anthracite in certain lights.
He had the same pale face chiseled with the sharp planes.
And he had the same exact smile- an impish, charming, crooked smile that ensured you couldn't be angry at him even if you tried.
Chuck Bass mostly smirked. But every female of New York had to agree that the few times it appeared- Chuck's full on grin was heart stopping.
Adrian Bass similarly won the hearts of all his Nannies. They cooed and fussed over him as though he had dropped from paradise. They made excuses to spend more time with him during all hours. He was a delightful little baby, with a gurgling, melodious laugh and shrill, heartbreaking cry. He would throw classic Waldorf/Bass tantrums one instant then becoming a golden hearted angel the next. He prided himself on having an irresistible persona; but when you came right down to it, he was a trusting, lovable little baby.
He was the only one of his siblings who was an absolute splitting image of his father and he was sharp, even for a toddler.
He knew a lot for a four month old.
He knew that when his stomach whined it was a cue for him to let out an angry wail.
He knew that the chubby nanny, with the heavy drawl and warm brown eyes, would be the first to coddle him if he cried.
He knew his favorite toy was the golden Lynx cub his Uncle Nate had gifted him.
He knew that when his sister sang "I love you-you love me,"- a lullaby she had composed and concocted herself, he had to pretend to fall asleep so that she would too.
But what he knew best, better than anything else was the fact that the dark haired man with the unsmiling face absolutely, utterly hated him
Adrian only remembered meeting Chuck once. He had watched the child for a while, with hard, dark eyes.
Then Dorota had said sincerely, "You hold him Meester Chuck-?"-and the man had abruptly straightened up and walked away.
A four month old is said to have the memory span of an earthworm. Yet, Adrian Bass never forgot the way his father had looked at him then- as though if it were allowed he would have strangled the child with bare hands and drowned his corpse into the river.
That one glance from Chuck had been sadistic enough to melt iron.
It had made the infant cry and for a long time, even as Dorota held his shaking form, he couldn't stop.
A four month old can barely speak. Barely sit up straight much less crawl. A four month old rarely thinks ahead of food, sleep, lullabies and the pacifier. Yet this particular four month old honestly wondered for a moment if he was so dirty….so ugly….so foul….because his father's eyes had told him that.
More than that….Adrian had felt scared. The dark haired man was dangerous.
His brother and sister were different though- because they clearly adored him. Lucien would stand over his crib and tickle him mercilessly until Adrian screamed with laughter (with his protective sister squealing at her elder brother to stop). When there was no one around Lucien would even make the funniest faces making the child giggle uncontrollably so that he soon began to look up to his elder brother.
His sister was as gentle as Lucien was mischievous. She brought all her dolls into his crib and climbed inside and played with him for hours. Sometimes she even brought her kitten which happily gamboled all around the crib and over the child, making Adrian squeal excitedly. She taught him games like Peek-a-Boo and Pat-a-Cake and Ooops! The last one was Adrian's favorite for all his building blocks would fall at once and both he and Cherie would scream out loud together.
In the four short months of his life, the child grew to idolize his brother and sister and especially Dorota. There were a tangle of Grandpa's and Grandma's that visited him often and he liked them because they always brought gifts and made a fuss of him. There was Aunty Serena and Uncle Nate whom he loved best because they always seemed a fill an odd, gaping hole in his life he barely knew existed. There was also Uncle Dan who visited less often but the child grew to recognize him and grew fond of him. His very favorite guest was Uncle Eric- because he brought Adrian's favorite tinned prunes. All in all, Adrian decided, it was a nice life.
But he never forgot the dark man that had watched him from the nursery door once and he never forgot that sensation of being loathed, being despised. The man never came to visit again and Adrian was glad.
The man never came again because the child scared him more than he scared the child.
Adrian's life was blissfully oblivious and tranquil until one disastrous day.
It all began when the child first decided to crawl. He was in his playpen, playing with little- pink- rabbit- with- the- drum his Grandpa Rufus had recently gifted him. The rabbit beat the drum and Adrian giggled appreciatively. Then he turned to the purple ball that had once been his brother Lucien's. The child suddenly decided to bounce it. The bright purple ball bounced right out of the playpen. Adrian watched the ball roll away and frowned.
His Nanny was draped dramatically on the armchair, having fallen asleep. Adrian rolled out of his play pen that was luckily unlocked. He dragged his arms over the plush, white carpet and made his way towards the ball.
A brilliant smile lit his face. This was easy…this was glorious! The world slowly moved before him as he made his way around the room following the rolling ball. He reached it and placed a hand but it squeezed out of his grasp and bounced out of the hall.
The toddler blinked. He had never been out of this room before. He liked it here, with the bright sunny walls and the soft, tinkling music and the burrow of stuffed animals in his play chest. But the outside world was a delicious mystery and his purple ball was calling him.
Excitedly Adrian, put in some extra effort and crawled right into the hallway.
It was dark and silent. No one appeared around. Adrian didn't like being alone and he never was. If his new Nanny hadn't fallen asleep on shift, he would have never managed to escape the room he had never left in his life.
The purple ball winked at him from the hallway.
Adrian crawled up to the staircase. The ball rested just before the topmost step. He reached it- and the orb fell down a couple of steps making the child let out a fed-up cry.
He gathered his will and reached out a thin arm to reach for the purple toy just out of his grasp.
Then came out a voice just from behind him, "Wait."
The child was startled. He swayed near the flight of steps, almost falling headfirst in the direction of his arm reaching for his beloved toy.
Just before he dived down the stairs, strong hands came around him, securing around his tiny waist like a cord. Adrian's eyes widened in surprise and he looked around as he was lifted into the air and made to face a pair of disturbingly familiar brown eyes.
It was Him.
Adrian's mouth formed a round, pink O. His eyes were wide as he froze into the arms of the stranger that had never once touched him before.
Chuck Bass looked at the child for a moment as though he could not understand how in the world this moment had come. He really had never touched this child before.
Never.
It had been entirely an involuntary action. The natural, spontaneous reaction that came if one saw an infant about to clearly fall down the stairs.
He held the child far away from the body as though one held something that smelt badly. He held him with hands that seemed to be shaking violently.
Charles's hands were shaking so violently that the whole child was vibrating. If he held on for a moment longer he was in danger of dropping the child.
Adrian eyed his rescuer with bright, thoughtful eyes.
Charles glanced at the purple ball the child had been after. The ball Chuck had bought for Lucien a long time ago. Blair had been with him. They had picked the ball together and cheered when baby Lucien learnt to play catch with it.
The memory engulfed Charles until the shock wore off and he just realized exactly what he was holding.
He eyed the creature distastefully before carrying him off to the room just a few feet away.
The sight of Charles giving the child ample space as he held him as far as possible from his own body was almost comical unless one looked at Charles's face and the suppressed pain in it.
Adrian tilted his head and observed Chuck curiously.
They walked away from the staircase but child let out an angry cry and reached out vainly for the ball.
Charles sighed and bent down to pick it up, securing the child closer towards him. Adrian loved the closeness and curled an arm around Charles's neck. Charles went pale and walked down the hallway as fast as he could.
He entered the sunny room and gave the sleeping nanny a disgusted glance. Then he unceremoniously dumped the child into the cot.
Adrian kicked back a leg and gave Charles a startlingly memorable smile. Chuck's smile.
Chuck blinked. Then he blinked again.
Had the child just…crawled all the way there?
Charles gave him a look of disbelief. He was too young to edge along wasn't he? Lucien and Cherie hadn't starting crawling until a lot later.
He looked at the child suspiciously and then roared at the Nanny, "You! Listen!"
He could never keep the names of all these damn Nannies straight.
The woman jerked up with a start. She looked at Charles as though she was dreaming. She looked around the room, the cradle, the giggling toddler and then at Charles.
She placed a shaking hand to her heart and whispered, "Mr.…Mr. Bass?"
She sounded as though she was speaking to a ghost. As though she would have never expected Charles Bass to enter this room even if his life depended on it.
Charles yelled at the incompetent woman for a while. She jerked out of her trance and looked at little Adrian in shock who had apparently crawled around the whole house.
"But he can't crawl, Mr. Bass," she stuttered, finally recovering from her shock somewhat. "He's just a-"
"Well he did and can!" snapped Charles. "And you're fired do you hear me? Fired!"
He stormed out of the room to find Dorota.
And the Nanny stared at the toddler who was now giving her a slightly guilty expression.
Then she stared at the back of Charles Bass and decided the man was not only ruthless but delusional.
….
And little Adrian just scratched his head and kissed his favorite ball and wondered why the dark eyed man had left so soon. If he'd stayed Adrian would have jargoned him thank you.
….
Ashley Archibald frowned into the cell phone she still wasn't used to carrying.
"Liam?"
He sighed. "Don't start."
"I only wanted to say," Ashley chose her words carefully. "Good luck for today."
Lucien's voice came over the airwaves, weary and cheerless. "He's going to kill me."
Ashley anxiously peered at the phone. "But you're still going to do it, right?"
Lucien looked at his happy, little sister ordering Ophelia about.
"I have to," he said, his eyes soft as he watched her. "I have to. Or I'll never forgive myself."
"You're doing the right thing," Ashley told him firmly.
"Well," Lucien watched as Cherie popped a balloon and laughed out loud. "I try."
….
…
Nathaniel Archibald entered the study of Charles's Bass and knocked tentatively.
Chuck whirled around and faced Nate, white faced and gasping.
Nate stared at him.
"You okay?"
"Nathaniel," Chuck rasped, gripping his seat very hard. "What brings you here?"
"Do you know what day it is today?"
Chuck gave him a tortured smile, "How could I forget?"
Nate strode into the study and stared at his friend carefully. "You know what you have to do, Chuck."
Chuck Bass let out a bitter laugh. "No," he said. "I don't."
He plunged his hands deeply into the pockets of his chinos and breathed slowly apparently coming under control
Nate looked at Chuck and the sight just saddened him.
Maybe it's because Chuck looked sad. Sad and thin. He wasn't the robust womanizer Nate knew from almost a decade ago. Nate searched for the teenage boy with the ever ready smirk and laughing brown eyes but he couldn't find that boy anywhere. The Chuck Nate had known had been obnoxious- but hilarious.
That Chuck had gone leaving behind a broken shell of the man Nate could not connect with.
"Chuck," Nate said, "Please. For Blair."
Chuck let out a sharp breath. He met his friend's gaze with wide, livid eyes. "The thing is Nathaniel," he snarled. "Blair can go to hell."
And he walked out leaving Nate staring behind him.
…..
I miss my mother. I miss her so much that it's a constant ache in my stomach. I could tear through the world for her. But my father salivates for my mother. I never thought it was possible to love and someone too much but maybe it is. I hate what my father has become, what his love has made him.
And you know what? I think he hates it too.
-Lucien Bass
…
"Chuck-"
"She left me!" Charles hollered at his friend. "She left me in this mess!"
"Chuck-"
"What am I supposed to do? Clean up after her? How do I do that? I hate her, Nathaniel. I hate-"
"Don't say that-"
"Then what do I say?" roared Chuck. "She- she and that- that-"
Chuck took a deep breath and reached to open the huge doors before him.
"Look, can we not do this now? My daughter called me here and I don't want to loose it in front of her. As it is, this has been a really bad day."
He walked into the dining room and was immediately jumped upon by the little girl running up to him. He could not have imagined the spectacle that was waiting for him within.
Cherie hugged his legs then looked up, meeting his gaze with a delighted smile, "Daddy! You came!"
Charles smiled down at her, "Of course I did, Princess. You call, I come. But what was the rush?"
Cherie beamed and pulled him into the beautifully lit room, filled with streamers, dripping candles and glittering balloons.
"I got everything ready!" Cherie exclaimed excitedly. She turned to her brother that was idly lounging by the wall. "Didn't we get everything ready, Liam?"
Lucien gave her an uncommon smile and nodded.
Charles frowned. "Ready….for what?"
"For Mommy!" Cherie cried. "You told me she was coming today!"
Chuck Bass transformed to stone.
Nate looked at Cherie anxiously. "When did daddy say that, honey?"
"Months ago!" replied Cherie. "Daddy said Mommy would come home for her birthday. It's her birthday today! When is she coming, daddy?"
Chuck stared at the little girl in horror.
Nate looked at Chuck sadly. "Why haven't you told her?"
Cherie blinked innocently. "Tell me what? Wasn't Mommy coming home today, daddy? You said so. Remember?"
"Why would you say that?" Nate demanded.
"I- was indisposed with grief!"Chuck hissed. "I can't even remember-"
"Isn't Mommy coming?" Cherie's lower lip trembled. "I waited like a good little girl Daddy."
Months. She had waited for months.
Nate knelt down to her level. "Cherie, honey, Mommy can't come home."
Tears welled in her eyes. "Why?"
Lucien strode over to his father. "Why don't you tell her, Dad?"
Chuck took a deep breath. "Princess, Mommy's still on a trip-"
"Why don't you tell her the truth, Dad?" Lucien interrupted, staring at his father with cold gray eyes. Bart's eyes.
Chuck took a shuddering breath. "Cherie, go to your room."
Cherie whimpered. "But-"
Nate looked worried. "Chuck-"
"Go to your room now!"
"No."
It was Lucien who said it and Lucien who placed a hard hand on his sister's tiny shoulder, halting her in place.
Lucien met his father's gaze with remarkable steadiness. "Tell her the truth." He said.
Chuck looked ready to strike the boy.
"Tell her the real reason why she can't meet her mother. Tell her the real reason our mother is gone. Tell her why our mother is never coming back."
"Go to your room!"
"Tell her!" Lucien Bass yelled pulling down the streamers that declared "Happy Birthday Mommy!" in colorful cursive so that the whole display came down in a crumpled mess at his feet. "Or I will!"
…..
From the Diary of Lucien William Bartholomew Bass
Dear Stupid Diary
I loved my father. But just like him, I made the crucial mistake. I always loved my mother more.
This is why, I did what I did today.
Cherie has to know the truth. She can't wait for our mother forever and Mom would not have wanted this.
Mom used to tell me I was her halo of happiness.
But I'm just a mess.
My parents named me Lucien because they said I filled their lives with light. But they should have been more specific.
They should have told me how.
-LB
…..
Boy, my fingers are tired. As always let me know what you think!