Peyton finally decided what to do with the copy of Lucas's books, which were piling up due to the fact that she bought one every time she saw it in the store. She went up to the attic, where she had put the box of stuff that reminded her of Lucas, and began to put them in there. Unfortumately, it caused her to lay eyes upon a picture of him, and that did nothing for her whole, trying-to-move-on-from-Lucas-by-dating-Julian thing. It only reminded her of what she didn't have, what she really could have, if she would let let go of her stupid pride.
Sure, Julian was a great guy, and she loved him, in a way. She hadn't dated him for three months for nothing. It was just, she didn't love him like she loved Lucas. Which, she hated that fact, for a few reasons. For one, she hated that she still loved Lucas, despite all the wrong he'd done her. For two, she hated that she couldn't love Julian the same way he loved her, because he deserved someone to love him the way she loved Lucas, and it just wasn't her. For three, she hated that Lucas obviously still loved her, from the letters he kept sending her from his tour, and he was not maklng it any easier for her to let him go.
When her eyes landed on the picture of him, a picture in which he'd looked so handsome and, more importantly, happy, her breath stopped in her throat. She froze in her spot, on her knees next to the box, with a book in each hand. She suddenly felt a wave of cold, for a reason she couldn't explain, and she was barely able to draw in a breath. For a long moment, she was unable to move at all, and barely able to continue breathing.
Then she snapped herself out of it, telling herself she was being silly as she set the books on top of the picture, picking up the last few and putting them in the box as well before she got up, hurrying to get out of the attic. She snuck down the stairs to her room, glad that none of her children were home at the moment, and that Julian was out of town, to scout a location for a movie he was working on. He tried to be gone only a few days out of the week, but Peyton found herself thankful for the alone time.
The whole time she was lying in bed-her bed, not the one in the guest bedroom, but the one she'd shared with Lucas-she wanted desperately to hear his voice. She knew it should be Julian's voice she was longing for, since he was her boyfriend, and he'd been away all weekend, and she hadn't talked to him, but no, it was the voice of her ex-husband that she wanted to hear.
Grabbing the phone off the nightstand, she dialed his number. Not his cell phone number, but the one to his apartment. Even though he wouldn't be there, actually, probably because he wouldn't be there. She just wanted to hear his voice on the answering machine. She didn't want him to actually know that she wanted to talk to him so desperately. She called him not just once, or twice, but five times to listen to the message on his answering machine.
After that she was feeling somewhat better, but only mildly. She really wanted to talk to him, but at the same time, she didn't want to encourage him, because she knew that he would take any form of contact from her that didn't have to do with their kids, as a sign that she wanted to get back together with him. And she didn't want to get back together with him, right? No, of course not. She just, wanted to talk to him, for reasons she really couldn't explain.
Instead of calling him, though, she decided to write down all of the things she needed to say to him, in a letter. She actually found it quite relaxing, in ways she hadn't even realised. She felt, better, really, about everything, because she'd been able to get so many things she wanted to tell him off of her chest. Of course, she couldn't actually send him the letter, but knowing that she had written those things down, and she wasn't hiding them inside anymore, made her feel better. Granted, she hadn't written half of the things that were on her mind, but it was better than nothing.
Not wanting to put this letter in the box in the attic, she went into her closet, pulling out the shoe box, of little things and trinkets left over from her relationship with Lucas. Some of them were things that he'd given her, and some were things he'd left behind, but she had no intention of giving them back. Without really looking at the contents of the box, she tucked the letter inside of it, put the lid back on, and slipped it back on the closet shelf.
A few days later, and Peyton found one letter for every day in the shoebox on her closet shelf. She found herself writing to Lucas every day, sometimes about completely random stuff, sometimes about the heavier stuff. Usually she got up in the middle of the night, not screaming, like she used to so long ago now, but crying almost every time, and to calm down, she would write to him, and that would help her get back to sleep.
Julian had returned to Tree Hill the same day she had written the first letter, and she was sure he didn't know that she was writing the letters to Lucas every night, because she was pretty sure she'd never woken him up getting out of bed, but she couldn't be sure. He'd been kind of distant lately, and she wasn't sure that she'd done anything else that would cause the distance.
That night she woke up again, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. She glanced at the clock. The red numbers flashed: 1:47. She slipped out of bed, moving silently through the house as she wiped at her tears. She made it to her bedroom, but she knew that just writing a letter tonight wouldn't do. So she dug through her closet, all the way in the back, where she found an old sweatshirt of Lucas's. She pulled it on, and then tiptoed downstairs grabbing her keys when she passed the table they were on.
Slipping outside, she softly closed the door and then walked to her Comet. She got in and started it up, putting the top down and beginning to drive through town. She drove past all the places that had meant something in their relationship. The Rivercourt, that street where she'd almost hit him in the very car she was currently driving, and, of course, that road that ran alongside the river, where her car had broken down, and he'd been the one to fix in, fixing her heart in the process.
There were tears still streaming down her face as she spoke to the pitch black sky, asking why everything had turned out this way. She just screamed, because it hurt so bad, and she couldn't do anything to change it. She was literally having a break down on the side of the road. Only this time it wasn't her car breaking down, it was her, and she desperately needed Lucas there to pick up the pieces, but he wasn't there, and that just made her cry harder.
In the beginning, everyone had told her she needed time to heal, that she'd be able to move on and get over him. She knew it was all a bunch of crap, because she still hadn't moved on, no matter how much she tried. Chase hadn't helped her to move on, though he was a great friend now, and Julian hadn't been able to help her move on, though he loved her in a way she didn't deserve, given the fact that she didn't feel the same way. She was beginning to think that nothing and no one would be able to fix her broken heart. Not this time.
Of course, she knew there was one contradiction to that statement. Lucas could fix her heart, if she'd let him. She just didn't think she'd be able to do it, not after everything that had happened. How could she trust that she would be enough for him, when she obviously wasn't the first time? She really wished she could trust that they would work, but her faith had been destroyed. She wasn't even sure she believed in love anymore. Yet, the feeling she got when she even thought of Lucas-that fluttering in her heart, the butterflies in her stomach-made it very clear that love was very real.
More than anything, she realized that her love for him hadn't diminished in the slightest. Throughout everything, all the good days and the bad, she still loved him just as much as she had loved him on the day they had said their vows. She still loved him as much as she had when she was sixteen, and he was putting her through all that crap with Brooke, and everything that happened then. She still loved him just as much as she had on the day their kids were born. She still loved him. Perhaps more than on any of those days because she realized that all she wanted was to be in his arms again, and she really wished that could happen.
The one thing that stood in her way was herself. She was sure she couldn't say those words to him. She didn't know how. She was afraid that he would hurt her again, and she couldn't stand being hurt like that a second time. She was also afraid of what would happen if she didn't take him back. The way she was currently feeling wasn't really something a feeling she wanted to have indefinately. She really didn't want to hurt Julian, but could she really continue to hurt her heart in this way by not allowing herself to be with Lucas? She wished she could know the answers.
Parked by the riverbend where she first talked to Lucas, she cries hersefl to sleep, just as the first rays of morning light peek over the horizon. It isn't until hours later that she wakes up, and as she regains her bearings, she frantically turns the key in the ignition so she can check the time. It was just after three o'clock in the afternoon. She didn't understand how she could have slept so long. Her first thought was of her children, and she would bet that about half of them were asleep or only just rising because she hadn't been there to wake them up and get them out of bed. Second, she considered Julian, and she wondered if he was wondering where she was.
After giving herself a moment to really wake up, she started driving home. The girl's convertable and Madison's and Kari's cars were gone, and, she noticed after feeling the hood of the guy's truck, it had recently returned. Julian's car appeared to be in the exact place she had left it, which meant he hadn't gone to work, which meant he was probably worried about her. She felt only slightly guilty, which probably didn't say anything good about her personality. The thing was, she was more concerned with the fact that her kids might be worried about her.
Just as she was approaching the steps, the front door opened. Ainsley came running out, wrapping her arms around her mother. "Thank God you're home. Mom, where have you been? Julian came into all of our rooms this morning, asking us if we knew where you would have disappeared to in the middle of the night. The middle of the night, Mom? Didn't you and Dad always tell us never to go anywhere in the middle of the night without telling at least one or two people?" she cocked an eyebrow, letting go of her mother as she stopped rambling.
Unable to resist a slight smile, Peyton noticed a few more of her kids pouring out of the house. Seth, Ryan and Martin were all surrounding her in the next moment, throwing questions at her rapidly. Peyton held up her hand for silence before speaking. "I'm fine. I just woke up in the middle of the night and went for a drive, then fell asleep in my car. I'm sorry I didn't tell anyone, but I really thought I would be back before anyone could notice my disappearance," she explained, smirking at the irony of having to explain herself to her kids.
The convertable pulled up and Marissa was out of the car before Jessalyn could even stop it fully. She ran over to her mother and pushed through the crowd, wrapping her arms around her tightly. "Mom, what the hell? We can't disappear in the middle of the night, but you can? You've always said you wanted things between us to be fair," she scolded. After moving back so Jessalyn could hug Peyton, Marissa pulled out her phone, typing out a text quickly. It must have been to her sisters, because both Kari and Madison pulled up to the house within minutes, each with their own questions for their mother.
Breaking up the third degree, Peyton ordered them all into the house, and as they were walking in, Ainsley sheepishly admitted that she should call their father. Glaring at all of her kids, she sent them inside and decided to dial Lucas's number. As she pulled out her phone, she realized that it was dead, which explained to her why she hadn't received any calls from anyone. She put her phone back into her pocket and headed inside to the house, searching for the cordless, which wasn't on the charger, she noticed.
Everntually, she located the phone, but not until running into Julian, who she sidestepped with a quick excuse before she retreated into the bedroom she and Lucas had shared, dialing his number after locking the door behind her. As she heard a worried hello in a familiar voice, Peyton felt her stomach swoop. Calling Lucas just to hear his answering machine was great, but it just didn't compare to the actual sound of his voice. "Hey, Luke, it's, um, Peyton. I hear the kids-" that was all she managed to say before she was cut off by Lucas.
For a good five minutes, Lucas went on about how worried he was, barely giving her a chance to explain herself. When she finally managed to convince him she was fine, she had to admit to him that she had been parked by the river when she had fallen asleep in her car. She didn't say the words, but she knew that he knew it was because of him. He told her he loved her before hanging up, and she was really glad that he said the words, but she couldn't say it back. At least, not to him. "I love you, too, Lucas," she said aloud when she heard the dial tone.
A few minutes later she emerged from the room, having made calls to Brooke and Haley, so they knew she was okay. She found Juilian in the guest room, and from the look on his face, she knew that this was it. "Can we talk, please?" he asked, and she nodded, slowly walking into the room and sitting next to him on the bed. He stayed silent for a minute before taking a deep breath, turning to look at him. "I've see the box in the closet, and the one in the attic. I know that you write letters, and, considering they're in a box of stuff that reminds you of Lucas, I'm sure that they're to him. I just have one question, Peyton. Are you still in love with him?" he asked, speaking quickly, before she could even become indignant about the fact that he looked through her stuff.
Given the question, she really couldn't get mad about the fact that he had been looking in her stuff. Well, she could, and the Sawyer part of her, with a temper, really wanted to be mad, but she just didn't have the heart to. He deserved to know the truth. Unfortunately, she didn't really know what the truth was anymore, she had been lying to herself and everyone else for so long. Did she love Lucas or not? The answer her heart gave was yes. The answer her head wanted to give was no, but the heart wants what the heart wants, right? She really wished it was that simple.
Her silence was more than enough answer for him. He broke the eye contact and stood, walking over to a suitcase she hadn't noticed before. "Julian, wait, please, let me explain," she said, standing and moving to the door before he could walk out of it. "I don't want to love Lucas. I really don't. I would love to be in love with you the way you're in love with me, and I do love you. No, I really do," she said when he snorted in protest. "I'm just not in love with you, and as hard as I've tried to be, it just isn't working. It's not you, but it's not really me either. You just can't help who you're in love with," she said, stopping when she realized she was babbling. "I'm sorry," she added.
for a moment, Julian doesn't say anything. "I'm sorry, too," he finally said, then he moved around her, and Peyton knew she wouldn't be hearing from him for a while, if she ever saw him again. As she heard the front door close, she walked out of the guest room and into the master bedroom. She laid on the bed and started crying, not for Julian, but for Lucas. As she had been trying to convince Julian that it wasn't his fault, she had realized that she never would get over Lucas. She'd already known that, but now it seemed so final. She couldn't even love a great man who had done her no wrong. Would she ever be able to accept Lucas into her life again, or would she be on her own once her kids moved out?
Not wanting to stay in bed forever, Peyton decided to get up and do something. She was suddenly struck by inspiration, and she hopped out of bed, grabbing clothes so she could take a shower. She dressed, applied no make-up to her face and pulled her wet curls into a low bun before grabbing a few things that were stashed in the very back of her closet. She hadn't seriously drawn in months. Sure, when school had still been in session, she had done something for every assignment she had given her students, but aside from that, she hadn't touched a sketchbook.
After remembering to call out that she was leaving the house and grabbing her now-charged cell phone, she headed out to her Comet, tossing the sketchbook onto the seat next to her. She drove for a while before ending up at the Rivercourt, and she had a feeling that had been her destination all along. She grebbed her sketchbook and pencils, which she hadn't used in over a year, because she only used them when she wanted her drawings to mean something. She walked over to a picnic table and began to draw from her heart in the first time in way too long.
Getting lost in her own world, Peyton never noticed Lucas stride up to the court with a basketball. He was wearing a grey hooded sweatshirt, much like his old one, without the Keith Scott Body Shop logo and he had his headphones in his ears as he dribbled the ball up to the court. He didn't notice Peyton until he was getting ready to play, but, after taking note of her concentration, and remembering the fact that their kids mentioned they never saw her drawing anymore, he decided to just start playing ball. He would deal with whatever Peyton's reaction to his presence was when she realized he was there.
About halfway through her drawing, Peyton glanced up and saw Lucas, but she didn't say anything. She just ducked her head again and concentrated on her drawing with a smile on her face. She concentrated on finishing her drawing before she took the whole thing in. It was no suprrise to her that it depicted her and Lucas, with him standing in front of her, and her holding his hand to her heart. Her thought bubble read: 'Can I trust you again?' That was the real question, she knew. Could she trust him with her heart? She was scared that the answer would be no.
Closing the sketchpad, so Lucas wouldn't see the drawing, Peyton stood, moving to the other side of the table and sitting on it. Lucas noticed her movement and pulled his earbuds out of his ears, pulling his hood off as he strode over to her, the basketball tucked safely underneath his arm. "So, are you going to yell at me now, for spending time here while you're here? I mean, this is the Rivercourt, and my turf, but you were here first, and I could have respected that, but to be honest, it was nice to spend time with you without yelling or anything, and it was nice to talk civally to you on the phone earlier," he said with a shrug, unapologetic.
To be honest, she had enjoyed spending the time with him, too, even if they weren't doing anything together. It was nice just to be in his presence. It reminded her of all the times they had come to the Rivercourt to do this very thing while they were still happy. Except back then she always rewarded him with a kiss afterward for every basket he had made. Suddenly she just decided what the answer to her sketch question was going to be. She was going to take a risk. "I'm not going to yell at you. I kind of like not yelling at you, actually," she joked.
For a minute she contemplated how she was going to tell him about her decision. Recklessly, she slid off of the bench, sauntering toward him with a seductive look in her eyes, which she knew he recognized by the change in his posture, and the fact that he dropped the basketball. "Julian left me today. Do you want to know why?" she asked, but didn't wait for an answer. "He knows I'm still in love with you, and I'm always going to be," she said, waiting for him to process the information before reaching him, taking his hand and placing it on her heart. "I don't want you to break this again," she said, looking up at him with vunerability in her green eyes.
Meeting her gaze steadily, Lucas left his hand resting above her heart, even when she removed hers. He hated the pain that was in her eyes, and he hated that he had caused it, especially over such a horrible lie. He wanted to know that she still had his heart, and she always would, and he would spend forever convincing her that he was going to keep her heart safe. "Never," he said softly, sincerely. "I love you, Peyton Elizabeth Scott, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to regain your trust, because there's nothing else I'd rather do," he said, before dipping his head down to catch her lips.
A/N: I've decided to move my updates to every Monday now, because I have this issue I want to discuss with y'all. Okay I have to admit, that in the last few chapters, I've totally forgotton that Haley was pregnant. I bet y'all did too, because no one had reminded me of it. So, I have to ask y'all what you want me to do. I can either pretend she already had the baby, because she was supposedly about five months pregnant over four months ago, and so would have had the baby by now. Or I could pretend she's in her ninth month next chapter and make her have the baby then. What do y'all think? Please, let me know what you would prefer. I already know what she's going to have, and I think I even know what I'm going to name it, but you can give me ideas for that too, if you want. Review and let me know. I really appreciate any input y'all give me.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.