Ooops...It's been a while, hasn't it?
Sorry about that. I'm planning to finish this story at 40 chapters, so we're nearly done here! Let me know what you'd like to see happening next, i'm running out of ideas slightly to be honest and it's proved tougher than I thought to keep up with all of the individual plot lines and characters.
Chapter 39 coming soon,i promise!x

2 months later
Lily piled her hair on top of her head and put her hood up. She let herself fall backward, hitting the cold snow that covered the ground.
She closed her eyes, breathing deeply. Marlene, Alice and Hestia were chatting in hushed voices to her right, sitting on a fallen log. Lily could feel their eyes on her, but ignored it.
They'd noticed her acting differently, and even thought something was seriously wrong. But Lily firmly disagreed. She was fine. She just felt like she'd finally…grown up, matured. All of the drama, the tears, the screaming and shouting; it was all just unnecessary. And it was, wasn't it?

Lily had been 'James-free' for 2 months now. Ever since that night that she so longed to forget but never the less frequently played through her mind, everything had changed.
Lily and James were acting entirely different than ever before. The emotions towards each other were no longer anger, no longer hatred, certainly no longer any type of affection or friendship. No, they were indifferent.
James acted like he'd never met Lily before, and Lily acted like she didn't care about the way James was acting.
Lily trained herself not to look him in the eye, not to laugh at anything he said. In the beginning, it had been difficult. She'd even thought it impossible.
Lily remembered going to bed that night and staring at the ceiling, her head aching from crying so much. She remembered telling herself that James didn't mean it. Of course he would be her friend. It would be fine.

Now she knew better.
Coming down the next morning, with every eye in the room following her, was the worst feeling in the world.
Or so she thought.
Turned out, the very worst feeling, was tapping James on the shoulder, ready to have a calm talk about what had happened, and him turning around and raising his eyebrow, before walking away.
After that, Lily hadn't even bothered to make the situation better.

Lily snapped back to reality; the snow was making the back of her neck go numb.
"Lily?" Marlene's voice. "You okay?"
Lily sat up but kept her eyes closed. "Yes." She said. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Well," said Alice. "You were lying on the snow, you're soaking Lily!"
Lily opened her eyes and squinted at the girls.
"Whatever." She stood up. "What time are you guys going home at?"
The girls, and most other inhabitants of Hogwarts, were leaving for the Christmas Holidays today. Unlike Lily, who had decided to stay here rather than go on a 'joint family holiday' with the Dursleys. Her parents actually hadn't argued with her about it; they didn't seem to want to go either.
"We really should be heading to the platform now, actually." Said Hestia, standing.

She walked over to Lily. "Have a lovely Christmas, Lily." Hestia hugged her.
"You too." She replied.
She exchanged similar goodbyes with Alice and Marlene, and then they were gone, heading to the carriages.
Lily stayed out for a while longer, until she couldn't feel her toes and her cheeks were burning with cold.

James felt a snowball hit his back, and he turned around, glaring at Sirius.
"Piss off, mate. I'm not in the mood."
Sirius laughed, striding up beside him. "You're never in the mood these days. For anything."
James rolled his eyes, putting his hands into the pocket of his coat. They were walking back to the castle from saying goodbye to Remus and Peter at the carriages.
Sirius and he, quite frankly having nowhere else to go, were spending their Christmas at Hogwarts.
"I can't believe I have to spend another three weeks with you." Grumbled James.
Sirius scoffed. "You spend every minute of your day with me."
"Exactly," James argued. "I don't even get a break now."
"Oh, shut up."

The rest of the walk was spent in silence. James stared at the steam coming from his mouth and nose every time he breathed out.

James didn't know what was wrong with him. He could never think of anything to say, to anyone. Not even Sirius.
He couldn't be bothered with the pranks, the jokes. He was constantly tired.
James was living. But that was it.
He didn't feel like himself. James longed for the parties and the wild nights, but he just couldn't be bothered anymore. In a way, it was good that it was Christmas; a time for peace and quiet and solitude.
Merlin, even in his mind, that sounded sad.
James could feel himself drifting away. Teachers had eased their watch on him, girls walked right past, even Snape was finding the nerve to actually look at him in the halls.
It was getting ridiculous.

And, what James did know, was that it was all the fault of Lily Evans.
She'd single handedly destroyed everything that was good about him.
It made him angry sometimes, thinking about how she'd ruined everything. Mostly, it made him sad. Made him want to cry and crawl into a warm cupboard and stay there forever.
But, well, that was just impractical.

"Earth to Prongs!" Sirius shouted into his ear.
James looked up and raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"You've been staring at the sodding wall for 5 minutes."
James sighed, pushing open the portrait hole. "Sorry." He muttered, walking away and over to the chair beside the fire.
Sirius followed.
"Listen, mate." He said. "I've had enough of this; this sad act. I know you're all depressed about Evans, but there's no need to ignore your friends for the best of two months. I feel like you're a different person! This…this angsty teenage girl that has possessed you, needs to leave. Because I know James Potter and this isn't the boy who I became best friends with way back in first year, when girls didn't even exist in our eleven year old minds." Sirius stared hard at James. "Snap out of it."
James rolled his eyes, but Sirius's speech had made him feel better.
"I am sorry," he said, smirking. "I didn't think I'd bothered you that much."
Sirius shifted his feet around, mumbling. "Didn't mean it that bloody much…" James laughed and Sirius joined in. For the first time in months, he felt kind of normal again.

The portrait hole swung open, and James turned his head around to see who was there. The laugh died on his lips and the smile faded away. Lily had walked in.
She paused at the door, her cheeks were red and there was a blue tinge to her lips. Her hair was damp.
James stared at her, his lips pursed, and Lily stared right back.
Sirius, trying to break the tense silence, started speaking. "You staying for the holidays then, Evans?"
Lily blinked twice and turned to Sirius, nodding her head. "Yep."
"Cool." Said Sirius, shaking his hair out of his eyes. "See you later then."
Lily walked forward a step, nodded once at Sirius and hurried up to her dorm.

Once she was gone, James relaxed back into his chair.
"You really need to sort that out, Prongs." Said Sirius. James rolled his eyes.
"There's nothing to sort out. This is the way it is now."
"Yeah," his friend said. "It's the way you're forcing it to be, not the way it has to."
James sighed.

Lily tore off her wet jumper and lay back on her bed. Now that she was inside, the cold was making itself known. Soon she was shivering and shaking, her teeth chattering.
Lily got up, and went into the bathroom to have a hot shower.

Half an hour later, she was out and dried, snuggled in old jeans and a huge jumper with a blanket around her. But she still felt freezing. Lily wished she hadn't lain in the snow earlier because she really felt terrible now. She thought it would be warmer down in the common room, but didn't want to risk seeing James again. Every time she saw him she felt like throwing up. She felt like she was slowly suffocating, the air around her disappearing with every look into his eyes.
She was bored. She was tired. Tired of looking around corners and having her eyes anxiously sweep the room to check if he was there. It wasn't fun. It was monotonous. Lily wanted to talk to James, but not just that, she wanted to talk to Remus and Sirius and Peter casually without feeling awkward about who their best friend was. She missed the chats with Remus and jokes with Sirius.

Lily decided not to go down for dinner. She stayed wrapped up in bed with a book she'd read before.

"This is weird." Sirius said, as he glanced around at the nearly empty hall. There were just 9 students eating currently, so it seemed ludicrous that they were all spread out in the colossal space. Two Slytherins were sitting at opposite ends of their table; three sad looking Hufflepuffs were sat at their table, there were two Ravenclaws and then James and Sirius.
It was hard not to notice Lily's absence.
"Wonder why she didn't come down." James said nonchalantly.
Sirius shrugged. "Maybe she's not hungry."
James nodded.
"Cheer up mate, it's Christmas Eve tomorrow!" Said Sirius through a mouthful of Shepherd's Pie.
James smiled, though the thought of Christmas made him ill. It would be his very first Christmas without his parents beside him.

It was three in the morning.
Lily couldn't sleep. Her stomach was rumbling and she realised she hadn't had anything to eat all day. After searching the dorm for sweets with no luck, she decided to go down to the kitchens.
Lily felt strange; her head was spinning, but she put that down to being so hungry.
On arrival in the kitchens, she found a couple of the house elves sitting down at the table eating miniature mince pies. Lily giggled to herself, she'd never even seen a house elf sit down before, but obviously they had to rest some time.
"Hello, miss." Said the one closest to her. He stood up and skipped over to her. "Would miss like to try one of the house elves special Christmas pies?"
Lily smiled. "Yes please." The elf too Lily's hand and led her to the table. She sat down and was immediately brought three of the desserts. Her hand dived for one and she stuffed it into her mouth, the cinnamon flavours exploding and making her mouth water even more.
"These are amazing." She said, grinning.

After she'd eaten all of the pies, the elves brought her a cup of tea and Lily settled in the chair, staring lazily at the wall.
Unfortunately, doing nothing caused her to think. And think and think and think. Think about the things she'd tried to push from her mind.
How five ministry officials had been kidnapped the other day and were believed to be dead. How dark magic was roaming the streets, striking fear into the hearts of both Wizards and Muggles. It was considered dangerous to be out by yourself in Diagon Alley these days, though with half of the shops closed, many had no reason to visit anyway.
Her parents were in constant danger. Everyone was.
All because of that deranged, psychotic maniac who clearly loved ruining other people's lives. Lily clenched her fists and breathed in, pursing her lips. She could feel herself getting angry.

Perhaps if Voldemort would just piss off, Lily could get her old life back. But of course, it wasn't all Voldemort's fault, was it?

There's the great big walrus that is Vernon Dursley, waltzing in and stealing her sister away from her and putting an even bigger wedge between Petunia and she.

Then there's the slimy git that is Severus Snape, who had ruined their friendship and was even smugger these days now that he knew that it hadn't worked out between Lily and James, as he'd predicted.

Professor Slughorn, making her teach the annoying first years potions every single week.

James Potter who refused to be friends with her because she hurt his pride.

And of course…Lily herself. She'd ruined it all, in the end.

Lily was shaking. On impulse, she knocked the empty cup off the edge of the table. It smashed into powdery fragments. She heard the house elves inhale and one knelt over to brush up the mess.
It wasn't enough.
Lily needed to get her frustration out. Suddenly, with a loud cry, she stood up and took out her wand. She flicked it and sent all of the neatly lined plates on the shelf flying and falling onto the crowd. Noise was all around; smashing porcelain and the scared elves shouts.
Lily turned to the glasses, which were half full of pumpkin juice in preparation for breakfast. She raised them high, up to the ceiling and let them fall with a screech of rage.
Lily let her eyes focus for a moment, and saw the elves, cowering under the tables by the stove. She felt tears dripping down her cheeks and let her arm fall limp.
"I'm sorry." She whispered, looking around at the debris. Her breathing became erratic, her whole body trembling. With a grunt, Lily fell to her knees and held her head in her hands.
What's the point? She thought to herself. Then her throat seemed to close up. Lily gasped and gulped for air that wouldn't come and she felt her eyes clouding over, black spots blotting out her vision.
Panic attack…
Her heart was pounding, her head aching.
Heart attack…?
Lily laughed manically, one short, wracked gasp. She wasn't old enough to have a heart attack…was she?
Insanity
Lily scratched her neck with her fingernails. Yes, that sounded about right.

Exhaustion took over her. Lily's head felt like it weighed a ton. Unable to keep upright, she tumbled over and drew her knees up to her face, still sobbing in choked breaths.
She didn't realise when she fell asleep, in the middle of the smashed crockery.

"Suspended?!" Sirius barked out. "Evans got suspended? I don't believe you!"
James nodded sombrely. He'd found out from a Hufflepuff that Lily had freaked out in the kitchens last night and destroyed the whole place.
"Apparently she lost it. Scared the elves half to death."
Sirius shook his head, evidently in shock. "I can't believe it."
"Something must have been badly wrong." Said James.
Sirius nodded.
"I think Dumbledore understands though, she's suspended during the holidays…so basically nothing is different."
James sighed. He felt bad for Lily. He also felt guilty. James was pretty sure that part of Lily's freak out had been due to him. He just hadn't realised it had bothered her that much. She was a good actress; that was for sure.
"Maybe…" James said. "Maybe I should talk to her."
Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Are you mad? She'll kill you!"
He shrugged. "But, I feel like some of this is down to me." James stood up.

"I'm going to find Lily."