All too soon, it was time for the funeral. As Peyton had requested, it was held in Tree Hill. The reception was going to be held at Peyton's old house, which she was currently staying at, and Haley had been a big help in getting that ready. Peyton hadn't really been able to be involved at all. Ever since she had been released from the hospital a couple of days before, she had done little more than sit, curled up on the porch swing. She only ate when forced, and she barely spoke to anyone except the children.
When it was time to leave the house, Jake stepped outside to find Peyton on the porch swing, like he'd expected her to be, wearing a loose black dress that used to fit her like a glove. Her curls hung lank and lackluster and she wore no makeup. Jenny was sitting on her lap, which had recently returned. Peyton had gained virtually no weight, except for the weight of the baby, and so with that gone, she was her former skinny self. Given the fact that she barely ate, she was slowly fading away, it seemed.
As he stood in the front doorway, watching his wife stroke his daughter's hair as Jenny curled up next to the woman she viewed as a mother, Jake couldn't help but wonder if she really was fading away. He hoped that the funeral would help her to move on, but he wasn't sure it would. She showed no emotion anymore, except obviously faked emotion for the kids. It was hard for her to even do that, considering all she wanted was to know that Annabeth was still coming, and that would never happen.
Of course, Peyton was aware of Jake's presence, but she pretended not to notice. She didn't want to go today. It was something she never wanted to do: put the baby she never even got to hold into the ground forever. She was only going for one last chance to say goodbye. She shouldn't have to be doing this, though, and she hated herself for not paying better attention. Granted, she wasn't the one who ran the red light, but neither was Jake, and a part of her blamed him as well. If only he had been driving. If only they had taken longer at the hospital. If only they had taken a different route.
None of that was Jake's fault, and it wasn't hers either. Truthfully, she knew that, in her brain. In her heart, she just wanted someone to blame, just so she wouldn't feel the hurt in her heart. She wanted her baby girl, safe in her stomach, the baby that was her and Jake, which, at that point, she wasn't sure she'd ever get again. She didn't feel comfortable around him anymore, and she didn't want to open up to him. She hoped that would pass with time, but she wasn't sure it would.
Checking his watch again, Jake decided it was time to go to the service. He cleared his throat as he stepped forward, closing the front door behind himself, making sure it was locked. "It's time to go," he said softly, and Peyton avoided his gaze as Jenny climbed off of her lap. She took the girls small hand as she stood up, nearly falling over as she lost her balance. He steadied her with his good arm as she placed her free hand on her ribs. She gently pulled out of his grip to grab her crutches, which were resting against the house next to the swing.
Keeping a careful eye on her as she made her way down the porch steps, he took Jenny's hand and followed her to the curb, just as Brooke pulled up. She had been a lot of help, but mostly to Jake, since Peyton didn't really talk to her. Lucas hadn't been around much, respecting Peyton's wishes. She kind of wished now that he didn't give up so easily, but she didn't expect anything else, really. Brooke got out of her car and helped Peyton and Jenny into it. Peyton chose to sit in the back, and Jake got the passenger side.
As Brooke started driving, Jenny asked where Nathan, Haley and Jamie were, since they were supposed to be the ones to pick them up. Brooke glanced at Peyton in the rearview mirror before returning her eyes to the road. "I offered to pick you guys up, since their car was full. Lucas went with them, and they should be there already, because they left at the same time I did," she answered the little girl's innocent question. Peyton wondered why Lucas rode with Nathan and Haley, instead of his fiancee, but she stayed silent, keeping her thoughts to herself as she continued to stare out the window.
The service went quickly, because Peyton tuned out the speaker. He didn't know her baby. No one did, except her, because she was the only one who actually got to come into contact with her. No one else knew what she was going through, and no one would. There was nothing anyone could say to make this justified, especially not some stranger. So she thought about her baby, her hand resting on her stomach that felt a lot emptier now. Then it was time to go to the cemetery, and put the tiny coffin into the ground.
More words were said before the casket was lowered, but Peyton tuned those out too. Her eyes were focused on the box containing her baby. She knew that Jake was crying, and most everyone else was too, but she couldn't summon the tears, not in front of everyone who would never understand. She just stood, leaning on her crutches, watching as Jake and Jenny stepped forward to drop a handful of dirt on the casket. When it was her turn, she stepped forward and dropped a handful of dirt in the hole, mouthing, 'Mommy loves you.'
After that they all drove to the Naley house, for lunch. Everyone came up to give Peyton their condolonces, but she really wished they wouldn't. She was only there for half an hour before she had to leave. Jake was somewhere around the house, and Haley was making her a plate, but she'd never be able to eat. She got to her feet and grabbed her crutches, hobbling to the door. She made it to the front porch before she was caught. "Peyton, where are you going?" Brooke asked from behind her.
The blonde couldn't help her hostility. It had been bugging her so much that Brooke was acting like nothing had happened. Not to mention the stress of the day. She just snapped. "I don't see how that's any of your business. It hasn't been your business for nearly five years, and you haven't cared at all. Now this happens and you expect to just pick up like nothing happened. You expect me to just forget all the hurt, and forgive you for just stopping contact with me. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work like that," she shouted, turning on her heel to leave again.
Brooke stood there in shock for a moment, before she started after Peyton. "Wait, Peyton, just wait," she called, but the blonde didn't slow down. She kept right on hobbling along. Luckily, Brooke wasn't on crutches. "The phone lines run two ways, you know. You're just as much to blame for our lack of contact as I am. You can't shove all the blame on me. You're the one who left, Peyton. You abondoned me!" her voice rose on the last sentence and she stopped in her tracks, as Peyton finally stopped walking.
For a moment, silence passed between the two. "Brooke, you abondoned me long before I left. You were spending more time with Haley and Lucas, and you were starting Clothes Over Bros. You didn't need me anymore, and I needed Jake. I needed to feel loved and needed, and that's what he did. I needed to get away from seeing you and Lucas together every day, because everytime I saw you guys, it killed me inside, a little more. I just needed to be with someone who I knew could love me back," she paused with the revelation.
Both of them were a little shocked by her outburst, and they were both glad the shouting hadn't attracted anybody yet. Peyton shook her head slowly. "I emailed you all the time, Brooke. I tried to make it work. I showed up at your graduation, and I tried to reconnect, but you were more focused on Lucas, and the fact that Rachel was gone. You didn't answer one of my emails. You didn't call me to tell me you were engaged. You didn't even come to my wedding, Brooke! How the hell did you think that made me feel?" she gestured wildly with her hands as she spoke.
Taking a deep breath, she tried to reign in her anger. Brooke had no response. "I tried, Brooke, I did, and you didn't. Eventually, I just stopped trying, because I realized I just needed to move on. You obviously had, and it hurt everytime you didn't respond to one of my emails. I had to hear news about you from Nathan and Haley. We were supposed to be best friends, Brooke, forever. I guess forever has a different meaning for you, but, in my book, it doesn't mean you can pick up like nothing happened. I have to leave," she said as she began hobbling along again.
As Peyton got further away, Brooke couldn't move. "Peyton, I'm sorry," she spoke softly, but the wind carried her words to the blonde. Peyton stopped walking, but her back was still to Brooke. "I think I was always worried that one day you'd come back, saying you still loved Lucas, and he's never been able to say no to you. So I pulled away from you. I know it was wrong, but I think it was a defense mechinism. Hearing what happened to you, it put a lot of things into perspective, and I don't want you out of my life. I miss you, P. Sawyer," she said.
For a moment, Brooke watched Peytons back, but then Peyton started moving again. Without turning, or saying anything, Peyton continued down the walkway. Brooke watched until Peyton disappeared before she started walking toward the house again. She sat down on the porch and just let the tears fall from her eyes. She desperately needed a good cry. After a while, someone came and put their arms around her. Her first thought was Lucas, but it didn't feel like Lucas. A quick glance up told her it was Jake. She buried her face in his chest and continued to cry.
As for Peyton, she kept walking until she reached the cemetery. She went to her moms grave first, because she saw the workers filling her baby's grave with dirt. For a long time, she sat silently, staring at her moms name etched in stone. "Take care of her, both of you. I love and miss her, but I know she's in good hands. That doesn't make me miss her any less, or miss you any less, but I know that you'll keep her safe, until I can meet her. That's all I can ask for," she pressed her fingers to her lips, then placed them on the stone.
The ground was replaced, so Peyton moved to her daughter's stone as the workers moved away. She dropped her crutches and laid on the ground, digging her fingers into the fresh dirt as she laid there. Peyton didn't pay attention to the time as she lay on the dirt. She didn't talk, just laid there. When dusk started to fall, and so did the rain, Peyton still didn't move. The rain actually allowed a few tears to escape from her eyes without being noticed. She didn't really cry, like she needed to, but it was a start.
That was how Lucas found her: Laying with one hand digging into the dirt, soaked to the skin, shivering, even though she didn't notice it. He sat down next to her, took off his grey Keith Scott Body Shop sweatshirt, which was still somewhat dry, and covered her with it. She acted like she didn't even notice him there. Maybe she didn't. If she didn't, she was far worse off than he thought. She blinked and her gaze flickered over to him for an instant, letting him know that she knew he was there.
At least there was that. Although, that wasn't much. "Peyt, you can't do this to yourself. Annabeth would not want this for you, and neither would your mothers. They'll take good care of her, I'm sure of it. And if she needs it, Keith will take care of her too. We know far too many people up there who will take care of her. She wouldn't want you to be one of them. She'd want you to live your life, and come to meet her when it was time, and it is not time yet, Peyton, I promise you that," he said.
Finally, this got a respose. She sat up, moving back, away from him, and leaning against the headstone. Her head was swimming because it had been so long since she had eaten, and her movements were too fast. Still, that didn't make her pause. "No, damnit, Lucas, you don't know what she would want. That's the point! We'll never know what she would want, because we'll never know her. She should be here, in my stomach. No one understands, because it wasn't anyone else's job to protect her. It was mine, and I couldn't do it," she yelled.
No one else was around, because they were in a cemetery and it was raining, so he didn't stop her. He'd allow her to yell to her hearts content, and he'd try to get her to cry. She'd never be able to move on if she didn't let it all out. "Peyton, listen to me. I want you to listen," he said, taking her face in his hands so she would meet his gaze. "It's not your fault. She doesn't blame you. No one does. It wasn't your fault, and you've got to stop feeling guilty about it. It was an accident, only an accident," he said firmly.
Pulling away from his grip, Peyton shook her head. She couldn't meet his gaze anymore. "I blame me, Lucas. I blame me, for not protecting her, and I blame Jake, for not protecting me. I blame the stupid idiot who ran a red light. I know, it's not Jake's fault, and I'm horrible for blaming him, but none of you can understand how I'm feeling. I had just found out my little baby was a girl. I could picture her in my mind. And then that car came out of nowhere, and took it all away. The living being inside me is gone, and not the way she's supposed to be. No one understands that," she said.
Taking a deep breath, Lucas returned his hands to his lap and contemplated what to say. "Yes, Peyton, no one knows what it's like to lose a baby while it's inside them. We all know how to deal with loss, though, at least on some level. We all know that you've lost more than any of us, but how do you expect us to understand what you're feeling, if you don't talk. You don't talk to anyone over ten these days, and we can't help you if you won't let us. We all want to be here for you. If you can't talk to me, at least talk to someone," he told her.
Closing her eyes, she prepared to admit something to him. "Lucas, you're the only one I feel like I can talk to. I don't know what it is, or why it is, but it's kind of always been that way. I haven't said this much to 'anyone over ten,' as you said, since the accident, except for the fight I had with Brooke. So, it's not you, or anyone else really. It's just me. It's always been me," she shook her head quickly, trying to erase all that she had just admitted. She hadn't meant to open up to him, but he had a way of making her open up to him.
Secretly, he was glad that she still opened up to him, and only him. He shoved that emotion away though, because he didn't quite understand it. She had Jake, and he had Brooke, right? Still, they both knew that it had always been there between them, and it was so easy that they made it hard. Both of them were guilty of that. He was somewhat glad to know that it was still there, though, and part of him wondered why that was, but a smaller part, which he refused to acknowledge, already knew the answer to that.
Instead of saying anything, he moved over, so he was sitting next to her as she leaned against the headstone. She let her head fall onto his shoulder and he wrapped an arm around hers as he rested his chin on her head and they both got soaked by the rain. They'd always been able to sit and talk, or sit and not talk, and they were both glad time hadn't changed that. Peyton was glad that she had someone to talk to, and Lucas was glad that she had finally let some emotions out, even it she had only scratched the surface.
A little while after that, the sun was almost completely set, and the two blondes had yet to move. Finally, Lucas decided to break the silence, and he knew he had to get Peyton dried off soon, or she'd be sick as a dog. "So, that's what Brooke was crying about in the arms of your husband?" he asked. She tilted her head to look up at him, confused for a moment, having forgotton about Brooke for the time being. "I mean, she was crying in Jake's arms for a long time before I left. You two had a fight?" he cocked his eyebrow as he looked down at her, his eyes asking his unspoken question.
With a shrug, Peyton moved away from him. Just like that, her walls were back up again, albeit, not quite as high as before. "Yeah, I yelled at her, she yelled at me, I yelled some more, and then she apologized and I left," she said, and he knew that was all she would say on the subject for the time being. He was a bit disappointed, but he knew that she would open all the way up to him at her own time. Peyton Sawyer didn't follow anyone's time line but her own, no matter who the person was. He knew that.
That didn't mean he wouldn't try to see if he could figure out more from Brooke. She had always been closed off to him too, at least a little bit, and while he'd been able to break down most of her borders, he'd never quite been able to break down all of them. Maybe that was why they wouldn't work. Maybe they both knew that, and that was why they hadn't set a wedding date. Either way, he needed to sit down and have a long conversation with Brooke, and neither of them were going to particularily like it, but it had to happen.
Since Peyton had pulled away, both physically and emotionally, Lucas decided it was time to go. He stood to his feet, holding out a hand to help her up. "I think your daughter would kill me if I let you get sick out here," he said, only partially joking. When he saw the look on her face, he quickly clarified, before she got mad at him. "I'm talking about the one that's still alive. Jenny is your daughter too, Peyt, maybe not by blood, but you'd have to be crasy not to see the way Jenny looks up to you. She may call Nikki her mom, too, but she looks up to you the way you looked up to Anna," he met her eyes.
The blonde woman didn't say anything, just handed him his sweatshirt and took her crutches from him when he picked them up for her. She didn't know what to say. She wanted to believe him, but she didn't know if she could. So she turned and headed toward home. "Where are you going?" he asked as he caught up with her. She sent him a look, but remained silent. "I'm driving you back to your house. You're not walking all that way, on crutches, in the rain. No way, no how," he said, leading her to the car.
What he didn't mention, but took a mental note of, was that they were back to silent Peyton. Peyton the fighter had come out for just a little while while they talked, but now they were back to the silent Peyton that had been seen lately. He didn't try to change that now, though, because he knew he would get get to share her feelings again. He promised himself he would get her back to normal if it was the last thing he did. He only hoped that she would stay in Tree Hill long enough for that to happen.
A/N: I think this chapter is kind of short compared to some of the chapters i've been writing lately. I was trying to hurry and finish it so I could post it, though, so excuse me if it's not as good as my other chapters. I kind of liked it, but I think it could be better if I had more time to spend on it. Tell me what you think. Any questions, comments or suggestions you may have, leave a review! Thanks for the reviews on the last chapter, and I really hope you all like this one.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my ideas.