A/N: I'M SOOO GOOD! I know I told you guys last night that I probably wouldn't have an update for you until next week at the latest, but I also told you that as soon as the next chapter was up I'd post it. This one gave me a hard time, but I finally got it all out and despite the tone at the end, I feel PUMPED!

I'm going to tell you right now, if you are depressed, DON'T READ THIS!!! It will not help you. And I would feel awful if someone hurt themselves because of my writing. So this is my warning.

For all you regular readers, this is a sad chapter. It's not as low as the Cullens will get in the next few chapters, but it is almost there. The plus side is the next chapter will be a little better because Carlisle and Esme will have a very nice New Year and then a wonderful surprise (if you think you know it, PM me. Don't put it in a review so you don't spoil it for others)!

So I hope this gives you something to think about and look forward to the next couple chapters. We are in December. Things will start picking up again after January. Don't forget to REVIEW!! Please! As always, you guys are the best for keeping with me. I'll shut up now and let you read.

-Wish

Chapter 46: So Much for "Happy Christmas"

The months crept by with a snail-like quality. In the past, months and years hadn't meant much. When you had forever, who cared about a day? But now, each day felt like a year. Each month felt like a decade. With Edward gone, and Rosalie and Emmett still in Europe, the family was broken. Alice and Jasper took to spending more time at home now. Jasper didn't have it easy, particularly with Esme, who still mourned the loss of Edward, but he accepted the challenge. He knew Esme needed him and Alice.

But Alice had other things on her mind. She'd been doing research in the library at Cornell while Jasper had been avoiding Edward and focusing on his studies. After Edward left, Alice revealed that her research had been into her own past. The encounter with James earlier that year had shaken her. He'd revealed a bit about her past, a past that she couldn't remember. She'd hidden her curiosity at the time, but it made sense that she would want to know. The rest of us did. Rosalie even took a trip back to Rochester with Emmett, twenty years after we'd left.

"I want to head south," Alice said, one night. "To Mississippi. I think I might still have family down there."

Esme tried to hide the pain Alice's announcement caused her, but almost one hundred years of being married to her let me read her expression like the text on a page. It wrenched my heart, that once more, Esme would be subjected to this sort of pain. But what could I do? All of our children were adults, capable of making their own decisions. It wasn't like we could ground them, or refuse to let them leave.

"Alice," Esme said softly, "Do you think that is a wise idea? Sometimes the past can hurt."

Alice nodded. "I think I need to," she replied. "Otherwise I'll always wonder. We'll be careful, Esme, I promise. And it won't be for long. A few weeks or so. I just want to go down there and look around, learn a few things. Everything will be fine here; I've already checked."

There was silence. Jasper hadn't said anything about his wife's intentions. Obviously she'd talked to him about this already. He stood by, his expression passive, though I couldn't begin to imagine the emotions he was sensing. I, myself, was feeling defeated and useless, like a failure. I was a failure at being a "father". This was the last bit of family left at home, and they were leaving.

"When do you intend to leave?" I asked, fighting to keep my voice calm, my expression serene. I needed to, for Esme, for Alice, even for Jasper, though I had no doubt he could feel the despair blatantly.

"The day after Christmas," Alice answered. "We'll drive down."

"Take my car," I told her, "you'll need the dark tint with the sunlight down south. I can use one of the other cars." Rosalie had left her convertible and Emmett had left his Jeep in the garage. But I wouldn't dream of touching Rosalie's red BMW, so I would probably end up driving Emmett's Jeep. Edward's Volvo would've been my second choice, after my Mercedes, but he'd taken that with him on his hunt after Victoria.

Jasper nodded solemnly. Alice kept looking down at her hands, not willing to meet either Esme's or my eyes. I knew she had to do this. She deserved to find answers to the questions she had of her past. I just wished this could've come at a different time. Any other time.

~*~

The four of us decorated the house for Christmas, like we did every year. Except this year, Jasper and I went out to get the tree instead of Jasper and Emmett. And I helped Esme and Alice hang decorations around the house and on the tree, rather than Esme, Alice, and Rosalie. And although all seven, hand-painted stockings were hung, we all knew only four would be needed this year. Christmas was typically a joyous season in our house. With the winter weather moving in, there were more overcast days, which meant less time hiding in the house or out of sight. We all looked forward to snow and snowmen and snowball fights. The cold didn't affect us; we never felt it anymore. But this year there were no snowball fights because there was no Emmett to instigate them. And, although Alice and Esme did build a snowman in the front yard, there were no others to compete with it. Its lone figure out on the lawn reflected our mood exactly. We were all alone, even when the four of us were together.

It had never been this bad before. The children have come and gone multiple times, sometimes living with us, sometimes living at a university, or sometimes just living alone for a cycle. I'd missed them, but never before had I felt this overwhelming feeling of loss. It felt like they weren't coming back. Perhaps it was the fact that, I didn't know when they were going to return, or even if. Rosalie and Emmett probably would, but it would be a while. Alice and Jasper also would take some time, but in the end, they'd more than likely return. Alice said she was just going to check on a few things in Mississippi. "A few weeks," she said.

Edward was a whole other story. 'Edward,' I thought with a sigh. Esme looked up at me curiously from where she was reading a book on my lap. I smiled down at her and she smiled back, before returning to her novel, leaving me to my thoughts. They were, for the first time in almost one hundred years, completely private. Edward was gone, and only God knew when he would return. Edward had lost more than any of us. He'd suffered, for her sake; so that she might live a safe, normal life. I understood his logic, just not how he could follow through with it. I didn't know if Edward would ever heal, like he wanted her to do. But he was out there, trying to make amends in his own way.

That night was Christmas Eve. In the spirit of the holidays, Esme, Alice, Jasper, and I spent the night together in front of a fire, telling stories and simply enjoying each other's company. Around 2 AM, Alice and Jasper slipped upstairs and that was Esme's and my cue to bring out the presents. One for each of them, from each of us. I'd gotten Jasper an original, Confederate civil war pistol. It was used by the officers as a sidearm. I'd hoped Alice hadn't given it away. For her gift, I'd recruited Esme's help. I got her a pair of boots, of some sort, from a designer that was one of Alice's favorites. They were Italian and had arrived only the day before. I had no doubt Alice had known about them since I'd first asked Esme a month ago.

I nestled the presents under the tree with Esme's. Alice and Jasper would bring their presents down when Esme and I retired to our own bedroom. As I stood up, I looked around for my angel and found her in front of the fireplace, running a gentle finger over Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward's stockings. Her expression in the flickering light of the fire wrenched my heart. The loss and sadness, as she thought of her three missing children marred her heavenly features. I was at her side in less than a moment, pulling her into my arms. She came willingly, burying her face in my shoulder.

"I miss them Carlisle," she murmured. "So much."

"I miss them too," I replied, stroking her soft hair as I comforted her.

"I wish they were here," she admitted. "I wish I could hold them, wish them a Merry Christmas, see their faces when they opened their presents."

I sighed, nodding, agreeing.

"Will they ever come back, Carlisle?" Esme asked, looking up into my eyes with her faded butterscotch. My angel. My beautiful angel.

"Yes," I replied with conviction. "They will. They just need time, Esme. But they will come back. All of them."

She seemed to understand my emphasis on the "all" part. "Even Edward," it said. Even Edward would come back. I had to believe it, for her sake. Esme nodded once, before returning her head to my shoulder. We swayed back and forth to the crackling of the fire and an internal rhythm, not driven by our hearts, but by our souls and our love for one another.

That morning, Alice waited to open presents until 6 AM. Then she dragged all of us back into the living room where the tree stood with the final, dying embers of our fire from that night. She and Jasper had added their own presents to the small pile of Esme and mine under the tree. Alice handed each of us a present and we took turns opening them.

From Alice I got a new, formal jacket. It was black and fell to about my knees and would be perfect for a cold night out with Esme. From Jasper, I got a new book on Auto-immune diseases and the latest treatments. I thanked him for it and looked forward to using some of the information for my course, once it began again in February. From Esme, I got my favorite present of all, and a new stethoscope with my initials carved on it.

It was Christmas Day, a day of family and festivities. Rosalie and Emmett even called from Barcelona, Spain with wishes of a Merry Christmas and promises that they will be home soon, though they wouldn't give a date. The four of us spent the day together, as a family should. But the time was marred by the little signs of Alice and Jasper's departure. Around 1 in the afternoon, Jasper asked me for his and Alice's passports. And that night, Esme and I could hear them packing in their room down the hall. Esme almost winced at every thump of a dresser and zipper of a suitcase. I held her close through the onslaught until they were finished.

"First Bella, then Rosalie and Emmett, then Edward, and now Alice and Jasper," Esme whispered. "What are we going to do, Carlisle?"

I sighed and kissed her hair gently. "We're going to eagerly await their returns," I replied. But I couldn't help but think, 'If some of them return.' I noticed Esme included Bella in the list. She'd thought of her as another daughter during the time we were in Forks. Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper I had no doubt would return. But Bella and Edward would have the hardest time of all our children (yes I include Bella in that list). They would have the most to overcome, before they were ready to rejoin us, if they would ever be ready.