Feeling as if she'd been hit by a ton of bricks, Peyton just blinked at Jake, trying to tell herself the words that kept playing through her head were real. "We were never married? That's ridiculous. We have a certificate. We were married in front of the city hall. How can you be telling me we were never married?" she rambled, trying to make sense of it all. She replayed the day of her wedding in her head, then flashed through the whole of her marriage. It was all a lie? It couldn't be true. It just couldn't be.
There was silence, until Jenny came bounding into the room again. "What is taking you guys so long?" she asked, then took one of each of their hands, and began pulling them toward the living room. Jake and Peyton sat on opposite ends of the couch, with Jenny between them, as they watched a movie, waiting for her to fall asleep, like she always did, with her head in Peyton's lap and her feet in Jake's, and they both contemplated the new curveball life had thrown at them.
When Peyton was relatively sure that Jenny's breathing had evened out, she brushed back her hair, leaning over so she could get a good look at the girl's face, letting out a sigh that was halfway between relief and fear as she noticed the girl was soundly sleeping. She leaned back again and continued stroking Jenny's hair as she tried to decide what to say. "I guess you'll be taking off soon, then," she finally said, unsure of what she was feeling, or how to handle the fact that she and Jake hadn't been married.
Jake looked over at her and their eyes locked, for a moment, as if each of them was trying to figure out what the other was thinking. Neither of them had any luck, really, and the eye contact became too intense for Peyton and she looked away. Jake kept his gaze on her, and ignored what she said completely. "My lawyer said that the guy who married us was a fraud, who never had a license to marry people, and our certificate was forged. I guess that means we don't have to fight over our stuff, though," he tried to make a joke, but she just sent him a horrified look. "Too soon?" he asked.
A little shocked by his callousness, Peyton nodded. "Too soon? Of course it's too soon. When is it ever the right time to joke about the fact that the person you thought you were married to for the past five years was never really your legal spouse?" she made an effort to keep her voice down, only because Jenny was sleeping on her lap. "How can you be acting like this? Like you don't care at all that we were never married? Like you couldn't even care less that our marriage is over?" she found herself asking.
His face softened for a moment, before he reigned in his emotions before he could start throwing hurtful words at her. "Of course I care that our marriage is over, Peyton. I love you, and I've loved you since our junior year of high school. I can't believe this is happening. I never thought it would end this way, you know. Even when I thought you wanted to divorce me, that was somehow better than this. That way, at least there was still proof that we had had all those good years. Now, we don't have a daughter, and I find out I never had a wife either? God, Peyton, you will never know how much I care," he told her the truth.
That hurt her more than the idea of him not caring, to be honest. She looked down at her hands, which were still stroking Jenny's hair, and then looked back up at him with tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Jake. Really, I am. You have no idea how much I wish I could take this all back. I wish I could wake up again, pregnant, and happily in love, but that accident changed things. It took everything away from me, and I don't blame you. I could never blame you, but I just can't be around you anymore without thinking of the little girl that could have been ours," she broke off, unable to say anything else.
There was a moment where they both just stared at each other, but Peyton couldn't even handle that. She looked away, tears still flowing down her cheeks. It took Jake only a second to scoot over and wrap his arms around her, and for a moment, Peyton pretended that they hadn't lost their daughter, that they were still happily married, with Jenny, and their new baby girl. The fantasy couldn't last long, though, because the front door opened, startling both of the adults on the couch.
By the time Nikki entered the living room, Jake and Peyton were back on opposite ends of the couch. She took one look at Peyton's tears, and Jake's posture and knew something had happened. "What's going on, guys? Jake, I figured you would be gone by now. What happened?" she asked, walking further into the room, standing next to the couch, not knowing who would need more comforting.
Wiping at her tears, Peyton sniffled, glancing quickly over at Jake to see if he was going to say anything. She realized he wasn't, but decided that this affected Nikki, too, since she was Jenny's mother, and Nikki had been the closest thing Peyton had to a best friend for the last five years. "Well, Jake called his lawyer today, in regards to our divorce," she paused, unsure if she would be able to say the words again. "Apparantly that won't be necessary, though, considering the fact that we were never married," she finally blurted out.
The words floated in the air between the three of them, but Nikki didn't know what to do. She was so shocked, she needed a moment to process this. Peyton, the woman who had become her best friend, the woman who had always stood between her and Jake, wasn't married to Jake anymore? In fact, they had never been married? She didn't know what to do, or what to feel, or anything. So she just stood there, complete and utter shock written all over her face, trying to decide who needed her most in this moment.
After careful consideration, she walked over, and picked up her daugter, looking back and forth between the blonde and the brunet. "I'm going to take her and go outside. Jake, I don't know how you got here, but if you need a ride back to Savannah, I'm probably going to need a passenger if I'm going to make it back without falling asleep," she offered him a smile, sending Peyton a sympathetic look before taking her leave, leaving the living room in silence as the two tried to figure out what to say.
With a sigh, Peyton closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the couch. It had never been this hard between her and Jake. She had never felt this much tension and she had never been afraid to tell him what she was feeling. "What happened to us, Jake? I mean, I know the obvious, but I hate that it's come to this. I hate that I don't know the next time I'm going to see you and Jenny, and I hate that I feel like this is the end. I'm scared you're going to leave tonight and we're not even going to be friends anymore. No matter what you think, I don't want that to happen," she told him, eyes still closed to keep in her tears.
Looking down at his lap, Jake took a moment to reply. He reached over and took her hand, but it wasn't a loving touch, so much as a comforting one. When one of the tears leaked out of her eye and made its way down her cheek, he gently brushed it away. "I don't want that either, Peyton, but we both know this isn't going to be easy. Being friends won't be easy for us, and I don't think I'll be able to handle it for a while. I don't ever want you to feel like you can't see Jenny, because she loves you, but I think we should just spend some time apart for a while," he said, hating the look on her face that made him feel like he was breaking her heart.
Her heart was breaking, but his was too. He hated that she couldn't trust him anymore, and a part of her knew that. So she didn't push it, even though she knew it would be a long time, if ever, before she and Jake were friends again. She knew that he needed time to heal, and so did she. Her heart wasn't the only broken one, and she had to respect that. "I guess you're right, and there's nothing left to say then," she said, closing her eyes again against the fresh pain that was washing over her. She figured she should be getting used to pain by now.
As Jake realized she was dismissing him so he wouldn't see her pain, he got that familiar urge to comfort Peyton, to do anything to make her feel better, but he knew he couldn't. He knew it would be easier in the long run, for both of them, but mostly for him, if he just left right now. He couldn't handle any back and forth, and he couldn't handle looking at her and knowing that it was his fault that their baby was dead. That it was his fault Peyton no longer trusted him, or loved him like she used to.
Almost as if sensing his thoughts, she looked up at him with her piercing green eyes. She squeezed his hand, so it was now her comforting him. "Jake, I want you to know, I don't blame you. That has nothing to do with this, and I don't want you to blame yourself, because I really don't. It just changed me. I'm not the same anymore, and I can't seem to find myself. I don't want you to think this is your fault, though. You just can't blame yourself," she said earnestly, wanting to make sure he knew she didn't blame him.
After searching her eyes for a moment, he knew the truth. She really didn't blame him. After everything, he found that amazing, but then, she was Peyton, and her compassion had always been one of the things he loved about her. He couldn't help it anymore. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead, before standing, and dropping her hand. "I hope you find whatever you're looking for, because you're an amazingly strong person, Peyton Sawyer, and I hope you don't forget that," he said, before leaving the room.
The sound of her name really made her realize that this was real. She was no longer Peyton Jagielski anymore, and she never really had been, and she definitely would never be. She was Peyton Sawyer, a twenty-two year old who had been through a fake marriage and the end of that fake marriage. A woman who had lost two moms and two daughters, one who was biologically hers, and one who wasn't, and had an absentee father. She had been through a love triangle and losing her best friend, twice, and she had both men who had ever meant something to her.
A few seconds later, she heard the door close, and she knew he was gone, for how long she wasn't sure, but she knew it would be a while. The sound seemed so final, even more final than his last words. Suddenly all the weight of the day came crashing down on her, and she felt tired. She folded her arms across her chest and laid on the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest. She rested her head against the arm of the couch and let her eyes closed as she drifted into a dreamless sleep, to a place where she didn't have to feel the near constant pain she felt when she was awake.
Seven days later, Lucas found her still on the couch, wearing the same clothes she had been wearing the last time he'd seen her, with a blanket covering her. Larry had called him that morning, asking him to check on her, and he knew by now that she still wasn't doing well. Still, he hadn't expected this. This was way worse than he had even thought, and it made him wonder what had happened now that had made her go back over the edge. She had seemed to be doing better that day at the Rivercourt with Jenny.
Taking in her pale, sunken appearance, he decided she needed some food and sunlight, first thing. He moved closer to pick her up, noticing her smell, and decided that as soon as he got her to eat something, he was going to force her to take a shower. As it was, he was sure that she hadn't eaten in at least a week, because it appeared that she hadn't left the couch since the day he had seen her. She stirred as he pulled her into his arms, but she didn't say anything as she looked up at his face for a moment, then let her eyes drift closed again. He wasn't sure, but her grip on him might have gotten marginally tighter as her eyes closed.
Instead of heading to her kitchen, Lucas went to his truck, putting her in the passenger seat. He closed the door on her, and then pulled out his phone while he walked around to the driver's side. He talked to his mom for a couple moments, and then put his phone away as he started driving. "Hey, Peyton," he asked, gently shaking her shoulder. She had her arms crossed over her chest, like she was holding in her pain, and he noticed that that was her most common pose lately. He didn't know if she did that all the time prior to the accident, but he had a feeling she didn't.
It took her a moment to get her eyes to stay open, and then another few seconds for her to focus on him. Her vision was blurry, and her head was fuzzy. She knew she should ask where Lucas was taking her, but for some reason, she felt safe with him. She had been drifting in and out of consciousness for the past few days, spending most of the time unconscious more recently, and she was feeling weak from not getting any food or water into her system. She knew she should, she just couldn't bring herself to do it. She trusted Lucas to keep her safe, though, if only she could focus on him long enough to figure out what he was saying to her.
Glancing from the road to Peyton, he realized he hadn't heard her. He knew it was bad, if she hadn't eaten. He didn't repeat himself as he parked in front of the Cafe. He got out of the truck and ran around to the other side, opening the door for her and helping her out. She didn't last long on her feet. She wobbled, and her knees collapsed beneath her, causing him to sweep her into his arms again. "Listen to me, Peyton," he said, his mouth next to her ear. "I need you to wake up enough to eat. We need to get food into your body. I'm going to help you get past this," he promised, carrying her into the Cafe.
As soon as she saw the two blondes, Karen rushed from behind the counter, over to Lucas. "Oh my gosh, Luke. You said she was bad, but I didn't imagine this. How could she have let herself get this way?" Karen fussed over the blonde woman as Lucas sat Peyton in a booth, sliding in next to her to keep her upright. Karen disappeared for a moment, and returned with a couple plates of toast. "I figured it would be easiest to get her to keep this in her stomach. If you're right about how long it's been since she's eaten, her stomach might revolt anything, even the toast. If she can't keep this down, I want you to take her to the hospital. You probably should take her to the ER anyway," Karen said as Lucas picked up a piece of toast.
Hearing the words Karen said, Peyton managed to move away from the toast Lucas was trying to get her to take a bite of. "No! No hospitals, please," she whimpered, obviously trying to talk loudly and forcefully, but all she managed was a low whine. Her eyes were more wide and alert now, though, and he knew she hated hospitals, and was determined not to go to one. She looked into his eyes, her green gaze, which had lost so much of it's fire, begging him not to take her to the hospital.
Of course, Lucas couldn't say no to her, even if she really should go get some sustenance in the form of an IV. There was actual fear in her green eyes, though, and he could do nothing but promise not to do what he knew he should do. "Okay, Peyton, I promise, I won't take you to the ER, but you have to eat for me, okay. You have to have some toast, and you have to stay awake for me, okay?" he asked, because as soon as he said the word okay, she was already drifting out of consciousness again.
Her eyes were glazing over, but she took a bite when he held the toast in front of her, albeit, a really small bite. In the middle of chewing, her eyes drifted closed, and her jaw stopped moving. "Peyton, Peyton, sweetie, you need to swallow. Chew and swallow for me," he said, getting closer to her and putting his hand on her face. He was worried about her, worried that he was doing the wrong thing by not taking her to the ER. He was just about to get up and take her back to the truck, but her eyes opened and she began to chew again.
As Lucas tried to get Peyton to take another bite, Karen stood, unable to stand watching the blonde woman deteriorate anymore. She loved the woman like a daughter, and it killed her to see that the girl had fallen this far. She wondered if Peyton had been not eating on purpose, but she was sure that wasn't it. She couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose a child, but she had a feeling that all the care for life had been taken from Peyton when she lost her baby. Karen only hoped Lucas, or someone else, would be able to help her find it.
When she walked back to the counter, Karen noticed Brooke, who was still sitting in a booth by the door, her eyes on Lucas and Peyton. She had forgotton that Brooke was in the Cafe, and as she took in the look on Brooke's face, she looked at the two blondes, trying to see what Brooke was seeing. Looking at them in a different light, she saw the meticulous care that Lucas was giving Peyton, she saw the love in his eyes for the blonde in his arms, and she was pretty sure it had been there since their junior year. She only hoped that Brooke wouldn't get involved this time, because she wanted her son to be happy, and she knew Peyton deserved happiness.
Still, she felt for Brooke. She knew how much Brooke had loved Lucas, and she knew that Brooke would have done anything to get Lucas to look at her like that. So she grabbed her coffee pot, and walked over to Brooke's table. She refilled the coffee cup, and then took a seat next to Brooke. She didn't say a word, but she knew Brooke understood as she pulled her into a hug. Brooke hugged back, feeling the tears well up in her eyes, and she was glad that even though she couldn't have Lucas, she could always look up to Karen as a mother figure.
Back at Lucas's booth, he managed to get Peyton to eat two whole pieces of toast. The more she ate, the more she seemed able to stay awake. She seemed to gain better control of her limbs. She leaned her head on Lucas's chest and he just held her, sensing that she wasn't ready to talk. He sat with her until he noticed Brooke in the Cafe. Brooke was sitting in a booth not far from theirs, and she was watching the two of them together. He hadn't noticed her when he came in because he was too worried about Peyton. He couldn't read the look on Brooke's face.
As soon as Brooke noticed Lucas noticing her, she stood, picking up a napkin she had written something on. She strode right past their booth on the way to the door, and she dropped the note in front of Lucas, not breaking her stride once. She left the Cafe with Lucas's eyes on her, and Peyton knew exactly where he was looking. She also read the note before Lucas picked it up and tucked it into his pocket. He didn't think she noticed it, but she was a little more alert than he thought she was.
A few minutes later, he kissed her temple, shifting her so she could sit up on her own. "Hey, Peyton, I have to go to a meeting right now. Will you be okay if I drop you off at home and come back in a little bit?" he asked her, his eyes searching hers. She knew he was going to meet Brooke, that was what the note had asked. She wondered why he was lying to her, but then wondered why she was surprised. She had always been second to Brooke in Lucas's eyes, why should she expect that to change? So she nodded, and let him take her home without her saying anything about it.
Once Lucas was gone, Peyton went back to the couch, wallowing in self-pity. All she could think about was all she had lost lately. She had lost Jake, her daughter, the one girl she had come to think of as a daughter, and now Lucas, once again, to Brooke. Not that she had ever had Lucas, but she was just beginning to think that maybe she did have a chance with Lucas. He had, after all, been here for her since the accident, and he wasn't with Brooke anymore, at least, he hadn't been, until she had written him one little note. She convinced herself that, even now, Brooke and Lucas were back together, probably laughing over how weak she was.
That thought made her pounding head feel like it was going to explode, along with the pieces left of her heart. The headache had come on while Lucas was focing her to eat, and now she was not only nausous, but her head felt like someone was going at it with a sledgehammer, each pound harder than the last. She was caught off-guard by the phone ringing, making her head hurt worse. She found it only to stop the shrill ringing, and answered with a weak hello. She listened to the voice on the other end for a few moments before dropping the phone in horror.
Nausea swept over her as the new information hit her. Her father, once again lost at sea? Only, this time they found and IDed a body. She hadn't even gotten to say 'I love you' when he left, and that thought made the puke come up her throat. She slapped her hand over her mouth and ran to the bathroom, but both pieces of toast made a comeback before she could reach the toilet. This was the last straw. In her eyes, she had lost everything she had in the too short a time to recover from it. Not to mention the pounding in her head was getting worse.
After she finished dry-heaving over the toilet, she stood and went to the medicine cabinet. She had no intention of dying, but she wanted to get rid of the pain she was feeling. She poured a handful of every type of pain medicine in the medicine cabinet, and downed the whole handful at once, dry swallowing them and wincing at the taste of them in her mouth, mixed with the vomit. She wanted to go back downstairs, but the pain in her head was blinding her now, so she curled into a ball on the floor of the bathroom, planning on waiting for the pain meds to work, but all she did was slowly let the consciousness slip away from her.
A/N: So, I decided to update on Mondays from now on, partly because I think this is a really good chapter and partly because I wanted to talk about the new episode that was on tonight. First, let's talk about the chapter. Peyton drew into herself once she realized she had never been married, and she couldn't find the desire to do anything other than lay on the couch. She's hit rock bottom now because she's sure she lost everything, including Lucas and, now, her father. I promise, this will be as low as she goes, because she will get help, and I should make you guess about whether or not she's going to OD and die before anyone finds her, but I just don't have the heart to even pretend I'm going to kill Peyton. What do you think the note from Brooke is about? Well, tell me what you think, and you'll find out next Monday.
Okay, moving on to tonight's episode of One Tree Hill. If you haven't seen it yet, don't read this part of the authors note. May I just say at first that I don't think Dan and Rachel make a good couple. I really don't care for that idea from Mark, at all. I also want to say that I miss Peyton and Lucas and Sawyer. I really really hope that he brings them back for the finale, at least because, if the rumors I've heard are correct, and this is the last season, I would hate for Leyton to have been in it every season previously only to not be in the last season at all. I still can't believe they took out two of the members of the core five, although, I am glad that Peyton didn't die in the season six finale. About tonight's episode in particular, I can not believe Millie is snorting coke. What is up with her? She's completely changed and I don't like the new her. I feel bad for Brooke for not being pregnant as well. I don't really like Alex, but I guess she brings drama to Brulian, so I guess I can accept that. Jamie is sooo cute in this season. The little talk he had with Nathan about forgiving Dan makes him seem a little wise beyond his years, though. He is only seven, after all. I think it is time I stop going on and bring this horribly long A/N to a close.
If you have any comments, concerns or ideas, about my chapter or about the actual show, I would love to hear them. Thanks so much for the reviews for the last chapter. It's good to know people are still interested in reading this. I hope you continue to let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything involving One Tree Hill.