I own absolutely nothing. All credit goes to Rebecca Donovan and Tom Lynch. Enjoy!
"You will never believe who just asked me -"
I wasn't able to throw my varsity jersey over my head in time. I closed my eyes and took a breath in preparation for her reaction.
"Shit," Madison whispered, still frozen at the door of the locker room.
I didn't turn around. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I knew the large circular bruises that covered my right shoulder and continued to the middle of my back said more than enough.
"It's not as bad as it looks." I mumbled, still not having the heart to face her.
"Looks pretty bad to me," she murmured. "I can't believe that was for forgetting to take out the trash." We were interrupted by voices and laughter as a few girls entered the locker room. The girls brushed past Madison, who remained unmoving in the doorway.
"Hey, Spence. We just heard about you telling off the hot new girl," one of the girls exclaimed when she noticed me.
"She must have totally pissed you off," added another as they began to change.
"I don't know. I guess she caught me on a bad day," i mumbled, my face changing color. I picked up my shoes, socks and shin guards and left the room before anyone could say anything else, especially Madison.
I sat at the top of the steps leading to the fields behind the school and proceeded to put on my shin guards and shoes. I needed to gather myself after everything that had happened in under two hours. This was not how my days were supposed to go. This was the place where everything was supposed to be safe and easy. No one tried to get involved with me, and i kept to myself. How could Ashley Davies unravel my constant universe in just one day?
That's when i heard her voice again. What was with this girl? First i didn't notice her for over a week and now i couldn't avoid her. She walked around the locker rooms, talking to a guy i didn't know about giving him a ride to the football game the next night. I caught her eye and she nodded in recognition. Why wasn't i invisible to her like i was to everyone else? To my relief, she continued to jog toward the practice fields, a small black bag in her hand. From her attire, I realized she was heading to the guys' soccer field. I recall Madison telling me that she played on all guys teams before she moved so they let her continue to do so here. While i thought it was weird, i was thankful she wasn't on the girls team - i didn't need the distraction.
The sun danced off the glints of gold in her tousled light brown hair and she jogged farther away. The lean muscles along her back brushed against her over-worn T-shirt. Why did she have to look like she just stepped off the Victoria's Secret runway?
Madison exhaled looking after the same image. "Nice." I turned with a start, not realizing she was next to me. Heat spread across my cheeks, fearing she could read my thoughts. "Stop it - she's hot. It's just taken you way too long to notice."
Before i could defend myself, a bus pulled along the dirt road that circled the school, separating the fields from the building. The open windows carried the synchronized chanting and hollering that were indicative of a high-school sports team.
"Who are we going to beat?" several boisterous voices screamed.
"Weslyn High!" the bus rumbled in response.
"Don't think so," Madison stated. I smirked and jogged with her to the field.
"Ohmigod!" Madison screamed as we drove home. "Stanford! Spence, this is so amazing!"
I couldn't find the words to say anything. The stunned smile on my face said it all. I was soaring from our win, then taken to a different level when i discovered that four colleges had been scouting the game in which i happened to score three out of the four goals.
"I can't believe they're going to fly you out there this spring," she continued in a rush. "You have to take me with you! California! Can you imagine?"
"Madison, he said they'd be interested in setting up a visit, depending on next quarters transcript."
"Come on, Spence. That's not going to change. I don't think you've received less than an A your entire life."
I wanted to be as confident, but then we pulled into my driveway. I was immediately grounded - the win and the scouts dispersing as if i'd woken from a dream into a nightmare.
Carol was strolling up the driveway from the mailbox, pretending to get the mail. She was up to something, and my heart sank into my stomach. Madison glanced over at me, just as concerned.
"Hi Madison," she said, completely ignoring me as i got out of the car. "How are your parents?"
Madison smiled her dazzling smile and replied, "They're wonderful, Mrs. Carlin. How have you been?"
Carol sighed her exasperated, pathetic sigh. "I'm surviving."
"That's good to hear," Madison returned politely, not falling for the woe-is-me bullshit.
"Madison, i feel terribly uncomfortable asking you without speaking to your parents directly." I froze in anticipation. "But i was wondering if it would be a bother to allow Spencer to stay the night tomorrow night. George and i are going out of town, and it would be easier if she were with someone who was responsible. But i don't want her interrupting your plans." She spoke of me as if i weren't standing next to your car, listening.
"I don't think that'll be a problem. I was planning to go to the library to work on a paper. I'll check with my parents when i get home." Madison smiled, playing along.
"Thank you. We would be so appreciative."
"Good night, Mrs. Collins."
Carol waved back as Madison drove away. She turned her attention to me in disgust.
"You have no idea how humiliating it is to have to beg people to take you just so that your uncle and i can spend some time together. It's a good thing Madison pities how pathetic you are. I have no idea how she can stand to be around you."
She turned and walked back to the house, leaving me standing in the driveway. The words slipped from her tongue with ease, slicing barbs leaving a vicious sting.
There was a time when i'd thought she was right. That Madison was only my friend because she felt bad for me. Honestly, all you had to do was look at us standing next to each other to easily conclude the same thing: Madison in all her gorgeous brilliance, compared to me in my ordinary plainness. But i learned that my friendship with Madison was probably the only thing i could really trust.
I entered the house to find life waiting for me, the sink full of dishes and pans from dinner. I set my bags in my room and returned to clean up. I didn't mind the monotony of washing the dishes, especially tonight, as i engrossed myself in scrubbing to keep from smiling.
When i woke the next morning, i felt more optimistic than i had in a long time. I had my backpack over one shoulder and a tote bag full of clothes in my hand.
Then reality came crashing down with a jolting tug of my hair. "Don't embarrass me," seethed into my ear. I nodded, my neck tense, resisting getting any closer to her as she tightened her hold on my hair, her hot breath scorching my skin. And just as quickly as it happened, she was gone - calling sweetly to the kids to come down for breakfast.
Madison was giddy when i entered the car. She gave me a hug and exclaimed, "I can't believe you're going to the game tonight!"
I pulled back, still shaken by the threat. "Madison, she's probably still watching. We'd better get going before she changes her mind and locks me in the basement for the night."
"Would she do that?" Madison asked, concerned.
"Just drive." Yes, she would, was the answer i couldn't say out loud.
Madison drove off. The top was up; the brisk fall air was finally catching up with us as we headed into October. The leaves on the trees were beginning their yearly change to the vibrant hues of red, orange, gold, and yellow. The colors looked brighter to me today, maybe because i was actually paying attention. Despite Carol's threat, i was still floating from our teams win along with the positive comments from the Stanford scout. And knowing i was going to the game with Madison tonight eased a smile onto my face that actually felt comfortable. This would be my very first football game - it had only taken me three years.
"I've decided that before we go tonight, i'm going to pamper you a little."
I looked at her cautiously. "What are you planning?"
"Trust me, you'll love it!" Madison beamed.
"Okay," i gave in. I feared my idea of being pampered was going to be completely different than what Madison had in mind. I preferred to hang out, watch movies and eat junk. While that might seem very predictable and boring to most teenagers, it was a true luxury to me. I decided not to worry about it. She knew me, so i trusted her.
"I'm going to ask him out tonight after the game," Madison declared while we walked to the school from the parking lot.
"How are you going to do it?" I was finally able to ask after tunneling through Madison's entourage and their gleeful morning acknowledgments. I couldn't believe about how matter-of-fact she was about putting herself out there. But then again, who would say no to her? No didn't seem to be in Madison's vocabulary, whether it was receiving it or saying it.
"I was thinking...but only if it's okay with you" -she gave me an apprehensive glance- "after the game we'd go to Scott Kirkland's party, and i'll ask Jason to meet me there."
A party?! I'd never been to an actual party before. I overheard the gossip about them in the halls and locker room, and even saw photographed moments displayed in lockers throughout the junior and senior halls. It was a rite of practice i hadn't been privy to, and wasn't sure i was ready for. A wave of panic surged through me just thinking about walking through the doors and having everyone stare at me.
Then i looked into Madison's anxious eyes and i knew this was important to her. I could make meaningless small talk with people i'd been in school with for the past four years, yet knew nothing about. This would definitely be interesting.
"That sounds great" i said, forcing a smile, falling in line with all the others unable to disappoint Madison.
"Really? We don't have to go to the party. I could figure something else out. You looked pale when i mentioned it."
"No, i want to go." i lied.
"Perfect!" Madison exclaimed, hugging me again. She was very affectionate today; it was throwing me off. I think she realized it too because she pulled back. "Sorry, i'm just so excited that you're going with me. I don't think i could go through with it if you weren't there. Besides, we hardly get out of school time together, so this is going to be the best."
I smiled awkwardly, my stomach still twisting with thoughts of the party. It was for Madison. I could get through it. What was the worst that could happen? Well...people might actually try to talk to me. My stomach turned again just thinking about it. This was going to be terrible. I swallowed hard.
More than ever, i needed to retreat to art class to recover from these panicked thoughts. Art was the rotating class that moved through my schedule. Today it took the place of English, my first class - thankfully. I was desperate to escape in my work.
I walked into the open space of the art room, inhaling the calming sense of paints, glue, and cleaning chemicals with a gentle smile. The room was inviting and warm, with all its yellow walls covered with art projects and its oversize windows that glowed with natural light. I breathed easier in this room. No matter how my day was going or what i'd left behind at home, i gained control over it in here.
Ms. Meir greeted us as we sat at our stools at the tall black worktables. Ms. Meir was the sweetest, kindest person i'd ever met. Compassion exuded from her, which made her an amazing artist and an inspirational teacher.
She invited us to continue working on our assignments, replicating a picture we'd torn from a magazine that portrayed movement. There was some murmuring, but it was fairly quiet, as our attention was primarily focused on the art. The quiet was another reason i loved this class so much.
My heart skipped a beat - among the murmurs, one stood out. I didn't want to look but was drawn to the smooth voice. There she was, standing at the front of the class, talking to Ms. Meir while holding a camera. She flipped through a book of what appeared to be photographs, making comments. She glanced up and grinned when she saw me. I shot my eyes back to my canvas. I wished i really were invisible.
"So i guess you are pretty good," Ashley said from beside me. I looked up from my canvas. My heart was behaving insanely, beating at a pace that didn't coincide with sitting still. Calm down - what was wrong with me? She continued, since i could only stare up at her blankly. "Soccer. That was quite the game yesterday."
"Oh, thanks. Are you in this class too?" I felt the heat rise in my cheeks.
"Sort of," she responded. "I asked if i could switch to this class if i could work on photography instead. Ms. Meir agreed so here i am."
"Oh," was all i could mutter. She grinned, which sent more color to my face. My body was betraying me - between my hyperactive heart and fiery face, i had no control. It was not like me, and it was driving me crazy.
To my relief, Ms. Meir interrupted us before the possession could completely humiliate me. "So you know Spence Carlin? That's wonderful."
"We met yesterday," Ashley replied, glancing at me with a smile.
"I'm happy to see that you've made some connections. Spence, would you mind showing Ashley the photo-lab supplies and the darkroom?" My heart went from being on speed, to a dead stop, but my face kept beaming red. It must have been radiating heat by now.
"Sure" I said quickly.
"Thank you." Ms. Meir smiled in appreciation. Why was she, of all people, torturing me?
Without looking at Ashley, i stood and walked to the back corner of the room. I slid open one of the cabinets that hung above the counter.
"This is the cabinet with all of the photo supplies. There's paper, developer, whatever you need." I slid the door shut with my back to her.
On the counter below i pointed to the paper cutter and sizing equipment. We crossed the room to the darkroom, where i explained the developing light and the switch on the inside wall to turn it on.
"Do you mind if we look inside?" she asked.
I stopped breathing for a few seconds. "Sure," i replied, glancing at her for the first time.
We walked into the small rectangular room. In the center was a long metal table lined with trays for developing pictures. There was a sink in the back right corner. Cabinets lined the long wall on the right, and to the right there were two rows of wires with black clips for drying the developed pictures. Even though the developing light wasn't on, the space seemed unnaturally dark - not a place i wanted to be alone with Ashley Davies.
"Here it is," i declared, holding my palms up to present the room.
Ashley walked past me toward the cabinets and started opening them, examining their contents. "Why don't you talk to anyone besides Madison?" i heard her ask from behind the cabinet door. She closed it, anticipating my answer.
I remained frozen. "What do you mean?" i shot back, sounding defensive again.
"You don't talk to anyone" she stated. "Why not?"
I didn't answer. I didn't know how to answer.
She recognized my stalling. "Okay," she said. "Why don't you talk to me?"
"That was direct," i accused.
She smiled, causing my heart to attempt another escape from my chest. "Well..." she pushed.
"Because i'm not sure i like you." i blurted without thought. She looked at me with that devious, amused grin. What kind of reaction was that?! I couldn't stay in the confined space with her any longer. I turned abruptly and walked out of the room.
Concentration evaded me for the remainder of the class, so my art piece remained unfinished. Ashley left to take pictures of whatever she took pictures of, but her presence lingered. This class was supposed to be my sanctuary, and leave it to Ashley to turn it upside down.
Madison noticed my agitation when we were switching books at our lockers.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"Ashley Davies in my art class." i fumed.
"And..." Madison looked confused, waiting for me to continue.
I shook my head, unable to find the words to explain how disruptive she was to my predictable day. As much as Madison understood me, i wasn't ready to talk about it. My blood was still surging; i was having difficulty collecting my thoughts.
"I'll talk to you later." i said in a rush and walked away. I couldn't make sense of what was happening to me. I survived by keeping my emotions in check - by maintaining my composure and tucking it all away. I managed to stay under the radar, skating through school without anyone truly remembering i was here. My teachers acknowledged my academic successes, and my coaches depended upon my athletic abilities, but i wasn't important enough to make a recognizable social contribution. I was easily forgettable. That's what i counted on.
There were times when people tried to befriend me by talking to me or inviting me to a party, but that didn't last long. Once it was obvious i wouldn't accept the invitations, or provide more than one- or two-word answers, i wasn't interesting enough to acknowledge any longer - making my life easier.
Madison was the only one who'd stuck by me when i first moved here four years ago. After six months of Madison persistently inviting me over, Carol finally said yes. She wanted to go shopping with a friend and didn't want to take me along, so the invitation was convenient for her. That serendipitous moment sealed our friendship. I was permitted to go to Madison's every once in a while, and i got to sleep over on rare occasions when it suited Carol's social schedule. It helped that Madison's father was a local judge, so Carol relished the prestige through affiliation.
Last summer i was even allowed to go to Maine with Madison and her family for a week. It coincided with a camping trip George and Carol had planned with the kids. When Madison's parents invited me, they made it sound like they were inviting the entire soccer team and were obligated to include me, which made it easier for Carol to agree. I ended up paying for it when i returned home - i guess i wasn't grateful enough.
But the bruises couldn't take away the best week of my life. It was during that week that i met Nicole Mercer. Nicole was a lifeguard at the beach that was walking distance from the lodge. Her family owned a summerhouse on the lake, so she stayed for the season.
For two days, we went to the beach and drooled over her. After her shift on the second day, she invited me and Madison to a bonfire at a private beach.
When Nicole introduced us to her friends, i lied and said i was Madison's cousin from Minnesota. That lie developed into a more elaborate story that Madison and i prefabricated before the party. My false life revealed itself comfortably, allowing me to be anyone i wanted, and no one knew the difference. I didn't have to be invisible, because i really didn't exist.
Swept up in my story, i allowed Nicole to get close to me. I was able to talk and laugh with ease. Nicole and i ended up having a lot in common - she played soccer and we listened to a lot of the same music. She was an easy person to like.
At the end of the night, while everyone was sitting around the fire either coupled off or involved in conversations, Nicole sat next to me on the sand, leaning against a large log intended to be a bench. In the midst of the calming mood, with the sound of a few guys playing guitar in the background, she put her arm around me and i leaned against her. It was oddly comfortable being with her, considering this was the closest i'd ever been to a girl, other than Madison.
We talked and listened to the music. She shifted her body to face me and casually leaned down to kiss me. I remembered not breathing for a minute, paralyzed with fear that it was obvious i hadn't kissed anyone before. She was gentle as her soft lips touched mine.
It wasn't easy saying goodbye, with false promises of e-mailing; but it wasn't hard either. Not for Spence Carlin from Weslyn, Conneticut - the overachieving. self-contained shadow who roamed the halls of Weslyn High. It wasn't hard because that girl truly didn't exist to Nicole.
That's what was bothering me so much about Ashley Davies. She knew i existed. She was determined to pull me out from the shadows, and i couldn't get away from her. She wasn't deterred by my one-word answers or abrupt responses. She wasn't supposed to be paying attention to me, and i was trying, without success, to ignore her. But she was getting to me, and i think she knew it - and it seemed to amuse her.
I took a deep breath before entering AP European History, prepared to see her as i walked into the room. She wasn't there. I looked around in surprise and felt my heart sink. That was another problem. My heart was beating, stopping, and sinking like it had a mind of its own, not to mention the absurd flushing that was overtaking my face. I was beyond annoyed!
Ashley wasn't in my chemistry class either. Maybe she wouldn't be everywhere, as i feared. Distracted while retrieving my homework assignment during trig, i tensed at the sound of her voice, which incited rapid beating in my chest.
"Hi."
I continued opening my notebook for today's lesson, refusing to look at her.
"Not talking to me at all now, huh?"
Angered by her antagonism, i couldn't contain myself any longer. I turned to face her.
"Why do you want to talk to me? What could you possibly want to talk to me about?" i snapped.
She raised her eyebrows in surprise but quickly replaced the look with her taunting, amused grin.
"And why do you keep looking at me like that?!" My face flushed as i tightened my jaw.
Before Ashley could answer, Mr. Kessler walked in to begin class. I stared at my book and the front of the classroom throughout the period. I could feel Ashley looking over at me every so often - it kept me on edge the entire class.
As i was gathering my books to head to anatomy, i heard her say behind me, "Because i think you're interesting."
I slowly turned around, my books clutched firmly to my chest.
"You don't even know me." I replied defiantly.
"I'm trying."
"There are so many other people in this school - you don't have to know me."
"But i want to." she said with a grin.
I walked out of the class confused. She never said what i thought she should. What was i supposed to say? I started to panic.
"Can i walk with you to anatomy?" I was too distracted to realize that she'd followed me out of the room.
"You're not in my anatomy class too, are you?!" Seriously, the world was conspiring against me, along with my rapidly beating heart. I tried to take a deep breath, but i couldn't fill my lungs.
"Didn't notice me at all this week, huh?" People stopped to look at us as we walked down the hall. I'm sure their universe was getting tipped upside down too, to witness Spence Carlin walking down the hall with another student, who was also a girl - the same girl she'd made a scene with in the hall yesterday. Let the gossip begin.
It didn't take long to reach the classroom due to my escaping pace. I stopped outside anatomy and turned to face her. She peered down at me in anticipation.
"I get that you're new, and i must seem intriguing to you. But i assure you, i'm not that interesting. You really don't need to get to know me. I get good grades. I'm decent at sports, and i keep myself busy. I like my privacy. I like my space, and i like being left alone. That's it. You can get to know everyone else in this school who's dying to know you. I'm not. Sorry."
She grinned.
"And stop looking at me like i'm entertaining you. I'm not amused, so leave me alone." I rushed into the classroom. I thought i would feel better, relieved - but i didn't. Instead, i felt defeated.
I had no idea where Ashley sat during anatomy, but it wasn't next to me. Actually, no one was sitting next to me. The seat where Karen Stewart usually sat at my table was empty. Karen was always lost during the lessons ans constantly asked me questions to try to keep up. Today, i finally had the silence i kept pushing everyone away to get, but it wasn't comforting.
By the time the bell rang at the end of the day, i was over it. Knowing i was staying over at Madison's and didn't have to return home helped - as did not seeing Ashley again.
"Hi!" Madison greeted me as we gathered our books from our lockers. "I feel like i haven't seen you at all today. How are you? You didn't get to tell me-"
"Don't mention it. Later, okay? I'm finally feeling better and just want to have fun tonight, alright?" i pleaded.
"Come on, Spence. Don't do this to me. I heard you and Ashley walked together to anatomy. You have to tell me what's going on."
I hesitated, not wanting to say anything where we could be overheard. I scanned the halls, stalling to make sure i wasn't going to add to the already circulating gossip.
"She keeps trying to talk to me." i explained to Madison. I thought this might be enough, but Madison shrugged her shoulders, waiting for me to continue.
"You were right yesterday. She told me she thinks i'm interesting, whatever that means. Madison, she's in all of my classes, or at least it feels like it. I can't get away from her - she's always right there. I finally told her that i wasn't interesting and to leave me alone. That's what the walk to anatomy was about. I don't get this girl."
"Spence, she's interested in you. Why is that so bad?" Madison asked genuinely perplexed. I was surprised she didn't understand the problem.
"Madison, i can't have anyone interested in me. You're my only friend for a reason." Her eyes lowered, beginning to understand my dilemma.
"I can't go out. I don't go to the movies. Tonight will probably be the first and only party i'll ever go to. I don't want to have to lie. And if anyone ever got close enough to touch me..." I couldn't finish the sentence. The thought of being afraid of being touched because i might cringe in pain made me shudder.
I wished i didn't have to be so convincing, but until i said it, Madison hadn't put it together. For just a moment, she saw the world through my eyes, and her sorrowful expression made my chest tighten.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I should have realized. So, i guess you shouldn't talk to him."
"It's okay," I assured her with a tight smile. "I have six hundred seventy-two days left, and then anyone can find me interesting."
She smiled back, but not as big as usual.
The pity in Madison's evasive eyes reflected the pathetic-ness of my life; it was hard to take. It was harder to escape - literally.
I couldn't remember a time when my life wasn't a disaster. I had images of a smiling child stored in shoe boxes, but my father was in most of those pictures. When he was taken away, i was left with a mother who didn't know how to be one. I did everything i could do to get by with as little parental interaction as possible. If i was perfect, then there wasn't anything to regret or distract her from the replacements she sorted through, who would never live up to my father.
I was still too much - a burden. I hoped my academic drive would help my aunt and uncle accept me as an addition to their family. Unfortunately, the reception never warmed beyond the frigid steps when i crossed their threshold four winters ago. Guilt opened the door that night, and i couldn't be perfect enough to earn their forgiveness for what they never wanted. So, i mastered evasion and over-achievement. Neither as deftly as i would have preferred, since Carol was right there to brand me with my lack of worth at every opportunity.