Author's Note: Because I love you, I'm giving you chapter 12. If you guys want 13, I'll post it later on in the day.

Chapter 12: Without You.

Your love is deadly.
Tell me life is beautiful,
They all think I have it all.
I've nothing without you.
All my dreams and all the lights mean
Nothing without you.

-Lana Del Rey.

Olivia's POV:

A million thoughts were running through her head. Olivia's eyes were wide as she looked at Amanda. All she knew was that she'd started to say something, but now she had no clue as to what. Amanda licked her lips, and Olivia's pulse quickened. She could feel Amanda's fingers in her hair, softly rubbing her scalp and the sensation alone almost sent her into convulsions of pleasure. Amanda Rollins had broken her.

Amanda leaned back in. Olivia's eyes fluttered closed as Amanda's mouth overlapped with hers. Amanda nipped at her bottom lip. Her snapped back open, and she realized what she was doing. She was kissing Amanda and loving it. For a second, Olivia started to loose herself again. Then Amanda moaned and tugged softly at Olivia's hair. She clenched her thighs together and turned her head away.

"Amanda," Olivia started again, now breathing heavier. "We can't."

Amanda didn't seem to hear her, and used her grip on Olivia's hair to tilt her head back. Then Amanda's lips were nibbling over her pulse point, and she almost gave in. God, it felt so good. Amanda made her feel incredible.

"Stop," Olivia managed to choke out. "Amanda, we have to stop."

It pained her to say those words, but she had to. She promised herself she would never take advantage of Amanda, but here she was.

"Liv," Amanda mumbled, nuzzling her face into the soft skin of Olivia's shoulder. Amanda was all but purring in satisfaction.

Olivia gathered all of her strength, everything she had, and pushed Amanda away. She needed to get those delicious lips away from her, she needed to think. Her heart and her brain were at war. Her heart wanted to pull Amanda back into her arms, and continue. Her brain told her to stop this, she was taking advantage.

Amanda looked at her with confusion. "Olivia?"

She pulled completely away from Amanda, and put her head in her hands. "I'm so sorry, Amanda."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Olivia. I want you," Amanda said, moving to come closer.

"No. You don't know what you want Amanda, I'm taking advantage of you!" Olivia said, her voice shaky.

"Liv, you didn't. I'm telling you that I wanted it, I want you," Amanda said, her voice raising.

Olivia just shook her head. Amanda really didn't understand how wrong this whole situation was. She was a woman in her thirty's who was in love with her student, her high school student. Olivia felt disgusted with herself. Not because of Amanda, she could never hate Amanda, but because of what she'd done to Amanda. She was in a position of power, and she was abusing that power.

"Olivia, why can't you understand?" Amanda asked softly, her hand reaching out to touch Olivia. Olivia jerked back.

"Why can't you understand, Amanda? I'm abusing you!" Olivia shouted, her hands covering her face.

"You are not! I promise you, Olivia," Amanda started, but Olivia cut her off.

"I am! God, It's so wrong for me to feel the way I do," Olivia mumbled into her hands, trying to hold back her tears.

"Olivia, I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions. I need you."

"No, you're not an adult! You are a child. Don't you get that?" Olivia shook her head, running a hand through her hair.

"Olivia-"

"Just no. Amanda, I can't. I couldn't hurt you like that. You mean too much to me," Olivia said, her voice gaining a strength.

"You can't expect me to stay away from you," Amanda murmured, her fists clenching. "Because I can't. I won't."

Olivia sighed and stood up, looking out the window. Amanda was making this so hard. It was hurting her to hear the desperation in Amanda's voice, the fear. Olivia was sure she was doing the right thing, for both of them.

She almost gasped when she felt a hand on her shoulder, turning her around. Amanda pushed her back against the window, and Olivia moaned as Amanda sealed their lips together. Amanda's arms went around her waist, pulling their bodies together. Amanda pulled back.

"I want you. I need you. Eventually you will see it," Amanda whispered against her lips. Then the arms disappeared and she heard her bedroom door slam shut.

Olivia was still in shock. Her body was trembling. Amanda had just turned her around, and planted one on her. Olivia's fingers came up to rub her lips, her eyes still wide.

She had made the right decision. She knew she had, but it felt so wrong.

Her tears finally started to fall. Olivia turned back around just in time to watch Amanda storm onto the street.

Olivia's fingertips hadn't left her lips.

~X0~X0~X0~X0~

Amanda sat next to Fin on her couch, drinking beer they'd gotten from that place that didn't I.D. They were watching a sports game, and Amanda really was trying to have a good time with the guy that was quickly becoming her best friend. She couldn't.

She hadn't even been able to manage a smile. She couldn't act like nothing was wrong after everything that had happened today, Olivia had rejected her. She knew that Olivia thought that she was doing the right thing, but Amanda couldn't have disagreed more. She wanted the older woman, and it pissed her off that Olivia thought of her as a child. She loved Olivia, this wasn't just some random crush that had developed overnight. Olivia had been one of the only people to offer her a smile when she'd first gotten here, Olivia had taken care of her when her mother had beaten the shit out of her, Olivia had held her while she cried. All Amanda had wanted to do was repay the favor, but Olivia had pushed her away.

"You alright, Manda?" Fin asked.

Amanda nodded her head, taking another swig from her beer. The bitter aftertaste made her feel slightly better.

"You don't seem like it. You know you can talk to me," Fin smiled reassuringly.

"Fin, I screwed up," Amanda sighed, pressing the cool beer bottle to her forehead.

"Ms. Benson?" Fin asked.

"Uh-" Amanda stuttered, not knowing how to answer. How had he figured it out? Was she really that obvious?

"Come on, Manda. We're friends, and I see the way you look at each other. You know I won't say anything," Fin shrugged.

"I kissed her," Amanda said.

"Oh shit," Fin's eyes widened. "How did that go?"

"She pushed me away, told me that we couldn't. She seriously thought she was abusing me, Fin," Amanda groaned.

"Oh man, no wonder you feel like shit," Fin sympathized. "We should have gotten something heavier than beer, you could use some Vodka."

"No! That's how I ended up in this mess to begin with," Amanda said. "Kim fucked with me last night, and I ended up on Olivia's lawn."

Fin tried to stifle his laughter, but it came out loud and clear after a second. Amanda glared at him.

"Look, Kim's fucked up. But you passed out on her lawn, you know how to woo a lady, Manda," Fin chuckled, taking a drink from his own bottle.

"Shut up, Fin," Amanda cracked a smile.

"I just hope you weren't drooling," Fin teased.

She punched him lightly on the arm. "Fin, I just, I don't know what to do."

"Give it time, Manda. The key to being the love master, is that you let them come to you," Fin smirked.

"The love master?" Amanda laughed.

"Hell yeah. I've got em' lining up. Haven't you noticed?" Fin fluttered his eyelashes at her.

"You're something else, Fin," Amanda giggled.

"That's what they tell me, but I'm also starving. Pizza?" Fin asked, already picking up the phone to order.

"Sure," Amanda agreed, turning her head back to the game as he ordered. She was suddenly really glad that she had invited him over. After she had come home, Amanda had realized that she didn't want to be alone, so she dialed Fin's number. He'd shown up thirty minutes later with a six pack of beer and a smile.

Amanda couldn't be more grateful for his friendship right now.

~X0~X0~X0~X0~

Sitting in Olivia's classroom was awkward for Amanda. She'd gotten there early this time, and she had managed to snag her usual seat in the back. Fin had grabbed the one right next to her, and had given her a supportive smile. She could do this.

She had made it through the rest of the weekend without talking to Olivia. Now all she had to do was get through this hour. She wanted more than anything to be near Olivia, but the older woman had made it clear that she didn't want Amanda. Amanda would respect her wishes, no matter how much it hurt.

Then Olivia walked through the door, and all of Amanda's previous plans flew right out the door. Olivia looked beyond beautiful. Amanda's fists clenched, and Fin put a hand on her shoulder. Today, Olivia was dressed in a black sweater that showed a peek of perfect olive cleavage, a creme color pencil skirt that stopped just above her knees, and a pair of red pumps. Olivia's hair was pulled up into a ponytail, and it gave a perfect view of Olivia's neck. Oh god, she could see a slight hickey, Amanda had left her mark on Olivia. Her panties were instantly soaked.

Amanda looked away, she couldn't take this. She was temped to get up and walk out, but she didn't want Olivia to know that she was falling apart. Amanda needed Olivia, but she damn well wasn't going to admit that again. So she stayed in her seat, slumped down hoping not to be noticed. She couldn't even take Olivia's eyes on her right now.

"Okay, today we're going to be preparing for our field trip. It's tomorrow, I hope you are all excited!" Olivia said. The rest of her classmates whooped but Amanda just tried to keep her head down.

"We are going to be taking a bus, and you will be sitting with the person beside you." Olivia said. At least she got to sit with Fin, he would entertain her.

Then Olivia continued. "But because we have an uneven number of students, all of you have partners, except.." Olivia looked down at her clip board.

"Amanda Rollins. You'll be sitting with me," Olivia said.

Amanda swallowed and nodded her head, letting Olivia know that she'd heard her. Sweet mother of Jesus, why did the universe hate her? She was going to be sitting very close to Olivia for the hour it took to get to the place, and then the hour back. Fuck.

Amanda could barley handle being in the same room with the woman, how was she going to share a seat with her? For a brief second Amanda thought about calling in sick, but that would require a parent note, and she didn't have a parent. She would be going on this field trip, and she would be sitting next to Olivia. Fucking great.